Help me be nice....

[StarlightMcKenzie]

I have a disagreement with ds' school. It's quite big.

I don't really want to put much of the details on here because they are a good and nice school and don't deserve to be picked apart.

But how can I be nice, and not upset anyone whilst making it clear I am not happy about something.

You'd think I'd know. But in the past it was always about being reasonable and polite, realising that any implied friendship was just about them using as much of their tool as guilt as they possibly could.

With this school it is more genuinely about being friends - I hope.

So what? Take party bags? booze perhaps?

[lougle]

Can DS read?

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Yes, but 'specialist' means even more removed from parents than mainstream I think, as it is an environment that you can't possibly have any understanding of since you didn't go to that kind of provision as a child yourself.

He really needs the teacher to say something nice, and then for me to go overboard about how much that teacher was impressed with whatever the behaviour was. It is that joint approach that has proven so successful in his after school clubs and frankly made it possible for him to attend without 1:1 support.

I just want to replicate it at school, using a system that they already use with other children.

I don't understand why this is such a mountain to climb. I really don't.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

DS is on the cusp of being able to read, but has no chance with people's handwriting.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

DS also needs the practice of word-finding, and sharing information that is true (if you don't have an idea he will make it up and it will be plausable).

[moondog]

'if you don't have an idea he will make it up and it will be plausable'

Of course
So many kids like that.
Hence the need for specifics for him to get his teeth into.
I feel like I live in a bloody parallel universe.I can't think of one teacher or TA out of dozens I work with who would not be more than happy to work with that system (and moreover be absolutely delighted to have such an enthusiastic parent on board.)

[StarlightMcKenzie]

None of these things I raise are in his IEP (set without any parental input at all, on the basis that it isn't the whole package).

[silverfrog]

Starlight, do you know that his teachers aren't going overboard with praise when due?

eg in the examples you've given - maybe ds was praised at the time for good listening in art/nice sitting at story time etc, and then you were given the info too?

I have to read between the lines of dd1's home/school book a lot, and have the added bonus of being able to see and chat briefly with tutors at pick up or drop off. combining the two, I can turn 'dd1 tried very hard at headsprout' into a 2/3 exchange conversation with dd1:

me: dd1, XXXX says you did Headsprout today
dd1: yes, I did (on a good day! - 'I don't want to talk about it' or 'I don't want to answer questions' on a bad day )
me: XXXX says you tried very hard
dd1: it was tricky
me: oh dear. but XXXX was very pleased.
dd1: yes, XXXX was pleased. she said 'well done, dd1'



over time, I have gleaned enough info from the communication book, along with info from IEP meetings, to knwo what it is she is finding tricky, and so only a brief comment in the communication book is needed for me to have all the info necessary to talk to dd1 about it.

I can't see anything which would lead you to suspect that his teachers aren't using social praise at the right time, unless they have told you they aren't.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

'Starlight, do you know that his teachers aren't going overboard with praise when due?'

No. I'm sure that they are, but given that he has deteriorated recently, I suspect it isn't working and engagement is still the biggest barrier to his learning. I know that social praise is not given much value unless me or DH 'big it up' with enourmous impact being when I support ds reporting positive behaviours to DH.

Given that ds goes to school by taxi there is nothing except the written book to go by, so it is pretty essential that the key stuff is in there. Also, ds will get confused as to which particular comment that the teacher has made is THE ONE that is worthy of sharing at home, and THE ONE he needs to repeat in order to get the home report again iyswim.

We don't have IEP meetings. In fact we only have parent evenings once a term where you can book slots of no more than 5 minutes.

I could only dream of that level of conversation with ds that you have with your dd, about past experiences. Tape measures on the other hand.....

[lougle]

The reason I ask about being able to read, is that DD1 can't read. She gets variable info in the home-school book. However, if, say, they say 'baked rhino biscuits today.' I turn that into a positive praise moment.

(DD1 love to prove me wrong, so I have to phrase everything negatively for maximum effect...)

So, I say 'DD1, come here a minute! I'm reading your book and your teacher says you baked rhino biscuits. Is this true?'

She'll say 'yep'

I say 'I can't believe that! Who baked those with you?

"Pat"

I bet you didn't do the hard work.

"Oh yes!"

etc

So I'm wondering if it needs to be so specific as to be the exact words your DS heard? Or could you turn their report into something more meaningful with him?

I know at DD1's school, they barely have time to use the loo in the day, let alone giving detailed feedback each day. What they do write is often done in lunch breaks. I have to trust them that important stuff is communicated and give up a bit on the more day to day stuff.

One thing that worked for me, when DD1 was excellent at school but awful at home, was a photo of me looking happy and a photo of me looking sad. I had to send a photo in each day, and the teachers would ask why I had sent that photo in. DD1 hated the teachers knowing she'd been naughty at home.

Could that work in reverse?

[StarlightMcKenzie]

No. A typical conversation about school with ds:

Me: Did you bake Rhino biscuits today?
DS: Yep
Me: I can't believe THAT? Who baked them with you?
DS: Mary
Me: But Mary doesn't work on Tuesdays.
DS: Okay Charlie.
Me: What did you do with Charlie?
DS: Played with trains
Me: No you didn't.
DS: Did skipping?
Me: er, maybe - who knows

[lougle]

Ahh, similar here, tbh. I capture the best moments to present to you

[moondog]

Star, which was exactly the reason why we changed over to the communication system I discussed with you.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Yes I know. We did use that system for almost half a year and it has been fairly successful, but I kind of offered it up as a compromise when the behaviour book thing was promised as I felt that was so urgent a thing to address and didn't want look like I was expecting multiple book completions.

I figured I could 'make' questions out of the positive behaviour comments easily enough and I put a positive behaviour from home at the top to be shared at school but that box seems not to have made the book grid drawn by the TA (despite being in my draft). I have not had an answer as to why that has been removed. Probably they just aren't interested in that because they are not willing participants in rest of it.

[EllenJaneisstillnotmyname]

Will they allow you in to observe, Star? My DS's SS used to welcome parents (and their young siblings) in regularly to either be a 'volunteer' or just a passive observer. The idea was to share good practice/strategies and to keep consistency between home and school. They also had a parent's room where you could just get a cup of tea (with a box of pre school toys) and talk to other parents. Even in the less welcoming SS they had a 2 way mirror type observation room cupboard.

[moondog]

How lovely EJ.Nothing to hide there then.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

They have a parent support group but it is facilitated by a member of staff and they charge for it.

They don't let parents in during lesson time.

[moondog]

Charge???

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Poltergoose, thank you for that suggestion. That might be worth a go.

In a kind of 'DS excellent listening, let me write that down right now in your home book as mummy will be so pleased to hear about it' kind of way, which can then be stuck wherever, for the TA to collect and stick in the book.

[moondog]

A lot of classrooms use a Post It system to keep track of good things happening throughout the day.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

Yes. They charge.

So, it's not for me.

I think the group is seen by those delivering it as a service that parents can purchase with expertise on hand. I dunno. I never thought much about it before other than, er, no thanks, I have plenty of free support.

[moondog]

That sounds well dodgy.
I'd be taking it up with the governers myself.

[StarlightMcKenzie]

LOL. I'm not going to fall out with the school over anything that doesn't directly benefit my ds now am I?

But I suppose it says something about their perception of the relative balance of power and expertise.

[moondog]

No. One has to pick one's battles.
It is still astounding however.
Morally reprehensible too.

[EllenJaneisstillnotmyname]

Wow! My DS's old school employs a family worker who sets up coffee mornings, parenting classes, SHARE sessions etc. They even provide a free crèche for these events. I know, I've been paid as a crèche leader a few times. The difference between schools is staggering. I knew his old school was good, but it's my only experience of SS so perhaps my perception of SSs is a bit overly positive.

It is a state school, though, perhaps that's some of the difference.