So apparently there are a LOT of undiagnosed autistic mothers around

[Nicknameofawesome]

Trigger Warning - This article contains some stories that are heartbreaking.

www.theguardian.com/society/2016/dec/26/autism-hidden-pool-of-undiagnosed-mothers-with-condition-emerging?CMP=share_btn_tw

I find this fascinating and terrifying in equal measure. I am currently fighting for an autism diagnosis for DD(12) and have realised that I am myself autistic. I find it comforting that there are others like me, terrifying that so many of us have fallen through the cracks and horrifying that some have been treated so badly.

Overall I hope research like this will help us all to get the support, help and recognition we need for ourselves and our kids. The system has been broken for a long time. Diagnosis is difficult to get and to find that some mothers have had issues themselves and been questioned about their parenting because of their own autism breaks my heart.

I never thought I could be autistic but I didn't struggle academically (I'm a B student through and through) and I can empathise with people. I am perfectly capable of identifying with someone who is hurting it's other stuff that baffles me like how to do small talk, how to relate to someone I have nothing in common with or how to know when to shut up...

My own research and talking to family and friends about it has made me realise how little most of us know about autism. I don't fit the stereotype but I do hit 90% of the things on a list of Aspergers traits. It doesn't make me a bad mum but it does make certain things a huge challenge for me.

I hope this is the start of some hope for myself and others in my situation.

[toffee1000]

I still remember all my teachers! And which classrooms we were in and what they looked like. And the names of my forms as well... how can you forget that stuff?

[Trinpy]

I can remember all the teachers and pupils names from my primary school but I can barely remember any of the kids I was at secondary school. There were about 400 people in my year group alone though, so I never even came into contact with a lot of them. What I am good at remembering is phone numbers and dates of birth. I can remember the birthdays of all kinds of random people, they just stick in my head for some reason. Same with car number plates. It's very weird.

Shelagh I share one of your current obsessions. I wasn't sure whether to post this the other day because I didn't want to come across a Internet wierdie, but you mentioned worrying/wondering whether you were unlikeable or uninteresting. I 'know' you from my time spent lurking on the CTM threads and from various asd threads and I've always thought you seemed very interesting and likable; I'msure your personality isn't the problem. I have the same issue with people around me seeming to form close bonds while I feel like I'm left behind. In my case I think I just do friendships a bit differently to other people and it probably comes across to them as disinterest.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

Yes I find numbers stick as well. I remember my friend and I had to sign in at school and she needed to put her number plate but couldnt remember it. I told her what it was .

[LeftoverCrabsticks]

Numbers and dates definitely stick, unless I've just been told them and my short term memory doesn't want to play ball!

On long car journeys I would work out where cars were from from the final two letters of their registrations - I'd memorised the location list. I would remember the dates of anything even vaguely significant, I regularly amaze my husband by recognising obscure names in TV and film credits and what else they were in, and I still remember all the phone numbers I ever had.

Totally relate to the fictional worlds thing - my entire LIFE has been one fictional world obsession after another (usually sci-fi TV in my case) - it's what drives me.

DD1, now 10, was an early reader due to her ability to memorise words so easily, no phonics for her. She read all seven of the Harry Potter books at six years old.. then she went on to read them five more times after that. There is nothing she can't answer about it. She's now probably one of the biggest experts on Minecraft ever (another favourite for ASD children!) If they say she's neurotypical after assessment I'll have lost all faith in the NHS mental health system!

[NotCitrus]

Apparently memorising your credit card details so you never need to actually find the thing is unusual! About once a year I lose mine and have the chat about "when I last used it", which is often a couple weeks since I last saw the thing...

Dd has taught herself to read and write in order to play Minecraft, and I might wonder if she were ASD but she's very similar to her aunt, basically both copying their much-admired ASD older siblings and trying to get their attention! So she bonds with ds over Minecraft and loves the power of building stuff, but the mentality is different, I think.

I do hope it will be possible to keep ds happy being who he is and that he can avoid the depression if not the anxiety that so often comes with ASD. So far he has a nice bunch of classmates who are remarkably accepting of him crying or screaming or ignoring them, though mostly he likes them all and has a great line in deadpan humour for an 8yo.

[G1raffePicnic]

Ah I'm the other extreme and can hardly remember anyone. But I'm also prosopagnostic.

I might not be on the spectrum though just curious!

[toffee1000]

I remember numbers and stuff too. If we check into a hotel my parents rely on me to remember the car registration, and Mum teases me about remembering stuff like what the house number of a place we stayed in on holiday was.
Also a Potter fan. My Mumsnet name just popped up when I registered because it was also my minecraft name or something. The "Toffee" part refers to my guinea pig, and the "1000" is just random

[ShelaghTurner]

Trinpy thank you not internet weirdy at all although if it's internet weirdy you're looking for, it's me! And I can bore on about CTM for days without coming up for air

Friendships are so so hard, even when I think I've got it sussed. I just never seem to be able to cross that last line and then I worry that they don't really like me at all and they're just humouring me. So I back off and then they wonder what's up. It's a vicious circle. I even feel out of place on here. Madness. What I wouldn't give to be able to interact with people the way everyone else seems to.

[ThirdThoughts]

I am awful for names - I had to look up who Shelagh Turner even though I think I've seen every episode of Call the Midwife, even now I know it doesn't ring a bell - they just don't stick - I'm really dreadfully crap at remembering actors and directors.

I'm rubbish with face/name recognition, I think largely because the context I meet people who I might see occasionally, I'm much more likely to not be giving proper eye contact because I'm nervous.

[LeftoverCrabsticks]

G1raffePicnic - I am as well. As a child I used to drive my parents crazy asking "which one is the bad guy again?" when watching TV. I honestly can't tell people apart until I've really got to know them, and even then I couldn't be certain if faced with somebody who looked similar. I tell people apart by their clothing, voice, the way they walk/move and most of all their hair. I get thrown whenever a school parent changes their coat or hair!!

I joke that I used to hang around with goths (I never was one properly, but I got on with them better than most) because they all had such different coloured hair, it was the only way I could tell them apart..

I often think my good memory for names is to make up for how I can't otherwise recognise people!

[NotCitrus]

Crabsticks - sounds like me! Though with goths you can recognise the jewellery, piercings and boots. I've learnt slowly that so much TV relies on one person being multiple people, so I was proud I sussed that Mr Tumble was just Justin, and then ditto everyone in Gigglebiz, but only because I was looking for it (ds didn't believe for years that JF was also MrT, whereas dd and DP noticed immediately.)

Did get rather fed up with DP telling me every time Alec Guineas popped up in Kind Hearts and Coronets (he plays eight people), so didn't like to point out I wasn't sure who wasn't him...

At work people used to change jobs a lot, so it usually worked to ask them what job they were doing now. Except the day this bloke replied 'oh you know, still the Minister...' Could be worse, knew someone who helped count votes in Parliament and couldn't remember some MP's name. It was Tony Blair, PM.

Hot desking was a total nightmare, and wasted so much time finding desks and then finding your colleagues even for people who could recognize them. Though when people move, it's no problem - I once recognised an ex from the rear view walking away while translating for someone on TV, having not seen them for 10 years. DP didn't believe me until the credits tolled!

[ShelaghTurner]

Imndememte

[ShelaghTurner]

I'll start again...

I'm demented with remembering people's names and faces. I only have to meet someone for 30 seconds and their details go into my memory bank, never to be deleted! Which means that my head gets all tangled up and cross because I remember minutiae about everyone in the world but no one remembers me! Birthdays, registration numbers, phone numbers, names, faces, shoes size and blood group. I have it all.

[Eliza22]

I'm not diagnosed. I've a 16 yr old do with ASD. He was diagnosed aged 4. I remember always feeling I didn't "fit" anywhere. Even now, as an adult, I would rather stay in with a good book than go to any social gathering. Socialising drains me.

As a kid I was "the quiet one". I was "quirky" and very very ridged. Now, as an adult, I "act" sociably but deep down it's hard and given the choice, I'd just rather not.

A couple of years ago, I joined a choir. I loved it. The singing. We'd meet once a week and it was all very positive, all very Gareth Malone 😊 When it came to the "let's all go down to the put after next weeks' session" I had to stop going. I just couldn't face it. I'm an adult woman! I've had a 26 yr career as a nurse in junior and senior roles and yet.....I remember just sneaking out of the Christmas parties, more years than I care to admit to, not even saying a goodbye because I was happiest just in the background socially or better still, being invisible.

Am I autistic? Don't know. I'm different from the norm, for sure.

[Eliza22]

"Going down to the PUB" that should read 😊

[SuiGeneris]

How much of this resonates- it's incredible. Like many upthread I have great memory for numbers and facts (very helpful in my profession and at school) but can never remember names or match them to people. Business contacts I only recognise if I have had their card, mothers at school are a complete blank. The other night I chatted to someone for 10 minutes before she mentioned I had been to her house for coffee the previous week- I had no idea.

DS has ASD and learning more about how it presents in females I (and my DH) are pretty sure I fit. Don't think I will ask for a diagnosis because I function well enough, but knowing it is a possibility means I accept what feels right (e.g. Sitting here in complete silence rather than downstairs with background noise, which drives me nuts) much more readily.

Question: does anyone else on here find fiction, both in books and on TV, too intense to bear? I can just about watch "Victoria" but anything else feels too raw and gives me nightmares. Documentaries I generally find slow and chatty, so basically don't watch TV. Over time books have also started feeling too intense, so I am
happy reading scientific books, politics etc but can rarely bear novels (they are now less than 10% of what I read). It would be interesting to know if others feel that way.

[SuiGeneris]

@NotCitrus: how funny re credit card numbers. DH and I know ours, as well as NI numbers etc. Recently discovered that's unusual. I always knew I had better memory than most for technical stuff in my field but had not realised how the basics are not the same. E.g. I know credit card numbers but can never remember actors, directors or even brands (e.g. I have no idea which clothes detergent I use- I recognise the pattern on the box but not the name)....

[BlackeyedSusan]

Late to the thread, as usual. Getting organised is not a strong point.

Also struggle with names and faces.
Background noise
Can only follow one conversation with one or possibly two people
Socially inept
Pedantic
Know my NI number, professional number, a few telephone numbers, and many many songs off by heart but can't hold a tune.
Clumsy weird shy loner eccentric all describe me

[ginting]

I relate to so much of this. It's awful, the struggle between being myself and the human need to be loved. I feel like I can only be loved by not being me, and therefore it isn't really me who is loved. It's horrible. Even though I quite like myself, the idea that other people don't like the things about me that I value highly in myself really hurts me at my very core and withers my self esteem.

[BlackeyedGruesome]

ginting.

[TragicRabbit]

Oh wow! Only just found this which is very typical of me.
I will read and digest (slowly).
So happy to have discovered you all.

[BlackeyedGruesome]

Tragic rabbit, I was very late to the thread as well. Fed up of trying to deal with schools and getting the children's needs met and having to deal with people.