Destroying Daughters life

[sef23]

Hi everyone, the title is not meant to be headline grabbing, its really what i feel im doing. This is a 1st world problem, i know theres a lot going on in the world and we are lucky to be alive and healthy. For years ive struggled with the childrens schooling. We are in WALES , DS & DD both in welsh school, made the incredible difficult decision to put son in Private English, he hated it, struggled with the conversion to english, but is now ok as he has always stayed in touch with his friends outside of school as the private school kids live all over the place and they do not socialise outside of school. Hes sort of accepted his fate.

DS on the other hand is way out of her depth, She was taken out of welsh in year 5 and struggled all year. Really struggled. The kids in year 5 operate about 2 years ahead. We were gonna put her back in Welsh in year 6 but then thought shes lost a year of welsh! and had one eye on secondary school and the local comprehensive is terrible. She is shouting screaming lashing out as she doesnt understand the predicament she is in. She called herslef the 'stupidest girl in the class' last year.

As again the private school girls dont meet up outside of school, and we still live in the same locality (small welsh village) all the local girls her old friend dont really want to know her anymore bar 1 or 2 as its a village the kids go out, meet up, yes - at 10 yrs old. Shes also missed their school trips etc and feels lonely, left out and doesnt have a best friend. We thought that she would have the best of both worlds. See s her old friends and gets a good education. She doesnt understand whats she learning in private and her teacher informed she is about 3 years behind!

What do i do??? put her back in her comfort spot being her old school? where now her welsh is back to basic. Leave her where she is? where she is at the bottom of her class? will she get better? will she catch up - yes with alot of external effort and daily tuition yes maybe.

I had her accepted after xmas, so start back Jan 8th. I didnt know what to do drove her mad with false hope and said to myself im gonna stick with the private school it will help her in the long run and put her back.

But this week all of her old friends are going cinema to watch mean girls and one of her old friends added her to a snapchat group and another girl said why, we dont want DS to go and it devastated her.

Do i put her education first or let her struggle for years with the hope she gets good grades at A level to become something somewhere eg pharmacy law dr, i mean thats why shes in private.

Do i listen to my gut and pull her out? do i put her in an english state primary and let her start all over again? make new friends again? do i leave her in private. Do i put her back in her welsh school?

Please help.

Thank you

[lostontheunderground89]

What does she say she wants? She's at an age where you can have this conversation with her, and she'll be aware of things like if her old friends at the Welsh school will accept her back or not

Staying in the private and paying sounds like a total waste - she's miserable and behind and isolated, so it's not sounding like the ideal choice

I'd also be cautious of moving to a third school. What do the secondary schools in the area look like? Do people from the Welsh school progress on to the same one?

[Notalldogs23]

You're focusing on her university and eventual career- pharmacy, law or medicine - but private school at age 10 isn't going to guarantee any of these and you don't seem to be taking her interests or abilities into account in planning her future.

She's miserable and has lost self- confidence at the private school, so I think you need to pull her from that and focus on rebuilding her self-confidence and making friends.

Did you tell her she could go back to her old school this term and then change your mind? If so, you need to rebuild trust with her. Ask her views on secondary school and really listen. If the local comp really is out of the question, would you move to a village/town with better schools, and save on school fees.

[WandaWonder]

Does she want to do medicine etc. or is this what you want?

[Ponderingwindow]

Why is she behind?

[Lamplight101]

Three years sounds a great deal to be behind at that age and I would want to explore that further. Had the indie perhaps spotted some sort of SEN that might have been missed in the previous larger class sizes. Did the teacher simply say she is three years behind or was it more "she appears to struggle with [ ] and a recent assessment that we did suggested she was up to three years behind where we would expect in that area". Getting to the bottom of that would be an early priority for me. If there is an issue and steps are taken to address it then it might play into the wider confidence issue. Might returning to the early school be paving over the cracks. I would also be aware of changing group dynamics at that age - might there be a hint of jealousy on the part of the other children is the indie offers much more by way of extra curricular and a fancy uniform etc. (I say this as someone also from a small Welsh village by the way). My first step would be a sit down and a cup of tea and chat with the current school head master to talk over the options. Yes take into account your daughter's view but she is only 10.

[HawaiiWake]

3 years behind, focus on this and ask current school for guidance. It could be another private English school etc. This is a huge gap and is it because it was topics not covered in previous school or they ok at that level. National GCSE curriculum so you need to cover this.
Ask which subjects, 3 years behind, Maths or English or both?

[Elphame]

@Ponderingwindow

Why is she behind?

The standard of education in the Welsh state system is generally poor. Welsh school children lag behind English, Scottish and N Irish children on all key indicators and the gap is widening.


We sent both our DC privately.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Op you said Welsh school operate two years ahead, but in private school she's 3 years behind. That doesn't add up

[Catrionajane]

I took what OP said to mean the private school was operating 2 years ahead @SleepingStandingUp.

I don't know OP. I'd be tempted to send her back to the Welsh school and get tutors to supplement her education and build her confidence. However you said the local comprehensive is terrible so I'd worry about that. Will all her old classmates be going there?

[lostontheunderground89]

@Elphame Gosh I had no idea! Is there a specific reason?

[Oblomov23]

I'm struggling to grasp this 3 years behind, v 2 years behind. Really? I bet that's not the case. Unless your child has SN, or the primary teacher in any Year said she was so far behind, then she clearly can't be that far behind, not so much that a period of intensive support and extra from you, and a year of tutoring, won't sort.

[TizerorFizz]

@Oblomov23 Have you never come across sen dc in state schools. At 10, they really can be 3 years behind in reading. Absolutely. Especially with two languages involved. It can slow both down. That’s why dc are behind in Wales some people think. When you look at English dc who cannot manage a MFL, why do we think Welsh dc are good at languages? It’s obvious some won’t be.

Reading this my immediate reaction was move house. Get away from the problem. When you leave a village school you cannot keep a foot in the camp. You have moved on. It’s very difficult to know what to do but I think I’d stay put. Keep going English but if you can move away, I would. Surely the school is in a town. Move there?

[Oblomov23]

Eh? Oh purlease. Of course SN children can be behind. I was saying to op that assuming her dc is not sn, being 3 years behind is a big deal, and one would hope that any primary school teacher had mentioned it before. Eg if a non sn child got to yr 6, and parent suddenly found out they were only at a year 3 level, having never been told anything before, one would question why school hadn't highlighted this before.

[sef23]

Thanks all, thats just it, i thought i could have 1 foot in each camp.

Prior to this debacle i already moved them both twice to an english school but within 3 months we were back. 1st time when they were young but they cried and i gave in after 3 months. Terrible. Second time after Covid. Their welsh school fell out of estyn/offstead so i thought ok time to go english again. Was sons last year so we moved back ...again.

The private school generally i would say do work that is 1 to 2 years ahead of everyone else. the teacher said she is up to 3 years behind based on this. In her welsh school when she was in year 4 she was doing ok.

Im still lost and have no idea what to do.

[Zapx]

I’m not sure I’d send her back- the “friends” she had there don’t exactly sound very nice?? What a tricky situation. I think I’d be tempted to stick with private, aim for more play dates/facilitate meeting up with other children from there, and in the meantime do all you can to boost her education at home. (Doesn’t necessarily has to ‘look’ like schoolwork, e.g lots of educational games etc out there). Really feel for you OP

[Newchapterbeckons]

I wouldn’t judge the village children too harshly - they must feel somewhat rejected for a private school. That was always going to create tension. It does in our village too: there is a divide between private and state school children sadly.

Move her back.
Organise a party and tell the families you missed them, and prefer the Welsh school after all. The grass isn’t always greener.

Being behind by three yeas is too long - her confidence will be crushed. She is lonely, friendless and not enjoying it. Private schools are tricky to navigate at times, and your dd is really struggling.

Put the money into private tutoring so she does well in her Welsh school, and towards savings for other things such as a car, driving lessons etc.

I would mover her, things are likely to get worse once she starts having to take exams etc.

[Toddlerteaplease]

How many moves have they had? They really need stability and no more moving.

[Ritasueandbobtoo9]

If you live in Wales and understood the culture you will realise that people get a bit peeved by people who send their children to private school because community & culture are important. If your child is English 1st language but been taught in Welsh then goes to an English private school then she will appear behind. Stop messing with your kids education. Pick a side. If you are English speaking, stick your kid in the English stream so that she can catch up. Where on the border are you? I don’t know many horrendous state schools.

[Ohnoooooooo]

I would concentrate on the friend who added her to the whatsapp group as she clearly like's her and have them do something nice together. You can't make a decision on education based on how the other girls in your village treat her they may still exclude her if she goes back.

[Itwasafterallallaboutme]

Sorry @sef23 if this seems like prying, I will understand if you don't want to answer my question, which is:

It sounds like your DD (I think, but I'm not sure that she is your daughter as you refer to "her" as being your DS, but also as her or she) might not have a biological father who you can discuss this problem with? If she hasn't got a DDad, has she got Granparents on either your side or her DDad's, who could give you intelligent advice, but who will understand if you don't appear to be following their advice?

I am asking about this because I think that her other closely related loved ones - if she has any - should be able to give you some of the best advice, as they both know and love their DGC very much, and will therefore only give you very well intended advice. Unfortunately, you cannot trust strangers to always give you the best advice, firstly because they don't know your DD and all her intrinsicalities, and secondly, because very sadly not all strangers give their "advice" for positive and genuine reasons.

I hope you find your version of Soloman to help you reach the best decision for your DD xx

[CliffsofMohair]

@Toddlerteaplease

How many moves have they had? They really need stability and no more moving.

Absolutely this. They must know if they are coming or going most years. Supplement with tutors if you need to but pick one and commit to it. If you want her to be proficient in her Welsh then leave her in the Welsh school.

[lostontheunderground89]

@Itwasafterallallaboutme

She has 2 children. A son and a daughter

[sef23]

This is still ongoing now to the point she hasnt been to school in 10 days. Help. Me. Please.

[deeprealisation]

I'd go back to welsh & tutor her.
Private is sounding misearable for her and a waste of money

[RedFluffyPanda]

Can you afford tutoring? She can have a tutoring with the A level pupil who had A and A* at GCSE and they would charge like £15 per hour. You can then arrange .lre than once per week tutoring.