Anyone else struggling with whether independent is financially feasible?

[pembelimum]

DS has been offered a secondary place at a selective London independent school. I put him in for the 11+ in the autumn following a bit of a panic after lockdown disruption to end of year 5 and because going into year 6 he seemed quite unhappy in his state primary - which is the main feeder (same site and overall principal) for the local secondary where he’s sure to get a place. Seems he was being picked on for not having a mobile phone/games console like some of the other kids and was getting called ‘swot’ and ‘nerd’. He’s pretty bright and curious but I think he really feels he has to hide it currently. He’s very quiet during his online lessons and seems reluctant to put the camera on or contribute even though I know he’s interested in the subjects. In short, I’m worried local secondary is going to be hard for him. I went to a state school where it wasn’t cool to be clever and had a pretty awful time. I’d really love to be able to avoid that for him. DH is on quite a low income - which has turned into almost no income since the start of the pandemic. I’m in a professional job with a good salary (so probably just put of bursary territory) and so could just afford the fees (though with next to nothing leftover). We also have a younger child who will start secondary in 5 years (when DS will start sixth form) and who has additional learning needs. I think I could just afford the independent for my DS, and from what I know of the school I think he’d absolutely love it, but can’t see myself being able to do it for both of them when younger sibling starts secondary. My DM has offered to help out when we get to that point but I’m nervous about relying on that and wonder whether she has underestimated how much she’ll need for her retirement. I’m really struggling to decide whether to accept the place or not. I want it so much for DS but can’t quite see how I can make it feasible.

[KihoBebiluPute]

Given that you can just about afford it with just one salary I would totally go for it in your position. Your DH isn't going to be low/no income for ever, once covid has passed surely he can ramp up his earnings to get some wiggle room back into the balance sheet. Whatever amount he can boost his earnings by, use half towards your current living and leisure costs, and the other half save it towards future fee increases and towards the 2 year overlap (and 2 years is not that long) when there are 2 lots of fees. You might well qualify for bursary assistance during those 2 years - or its perfectly possible that DC1 may choose to go to a non-private sixth form college.

[WombatChocolate]

Bursary applications need to be made ahead of applying to the school/offers being received.

The school will know it’s pot of money for scholarships and bursaries and offers have now been made for the coming September entry. To be honest, it’s too late for the coming September.

Schools usually have hardship funds and if someone’s circumstances change whilst they are at the school, they will look to spread fees over a longer period and /or give a temporary bursary ...usually up to the end of a phase of education ..ie up to the end of GCSEs.

This is the wrong time to start thinking about bursaries though because earlier in Feb was offers time, and the bursary offers go out at the same time. There is a time schedule used by schools because bursary pots are not unlimited, more a people apply than there is money and so applicants have to meet the deadline so the school can look at all the applicants and decide who to offer what to...usually at the same time as the offer.

[Pencilsandpaper]

If you are having doubts now about the private school fees these aren't going to go away. Fees will only keep going up over the years....
Also there is a misconception that in private schools kids don't get picked on.
Id give the state option a go first , if your son really dislikes it then reconsider the private school.

[teachocolate]

There are hidden fees such as uniform/shoes(£1000 you often needs three pairs of sports shoes), sports equipment(£200), extra curriculum(for example music lesson £1500 as many children do), school coach(£1500), lunch(£1000), trip(£1000), pocket money, smartphone, iPad/laptop etc... It would be better to add another £5,000 to calculate your budget.

[Pencilsandpaper]

Exactly. There are alot of hidden extras they don't tell people about. Running about to sports events all over the county , overnight trips away, costumes for school plays and events.

[pembelimum]

Thanks all. We turned the offers from the independent schools down. Seems like the impact on our finances and family would be greater than we can contemplate at the moment. I’ve cried with the unfairness of it all.

[frontiersback]

OP we are about to turn down a fabulous school my child's dream and turn down a fantastic scholarship.

I feel you.

But I decided I did not want to live always so worried about finances and didn't want it to lead to further stress.

But you have to back your child to do well.

Don't let the ridiculous unfairness of private / state and the sheer competition of it get you down.

Expect your kid to do brilliantly where they go.

Let's face it most of us go State. Maybe you can save up for Sixth form?

[frontiersback]

Actually you are totally entitled to wallow in the sadness and unfairness but give yourself a couple of days and then get right back into thinking and backing yourself that you have made the right decision for your family. All the very best!

[pembelimum]

Thanks @frontiersback it’s really comforting to know it’s not just us. Which of course it isn’t as loads must be in exactly the same position given it’s a minority that can afford it without too much struggle. DS got offered a scholarship too which makes me feel even guiltier for turning it down. I’m going to let myself wallow today and then try to brush it off and look forward with some perspective. My DH is very relieved so that’s a silver lining.
All the best to you and your child too!

[thetell]

@pembelimum One of my close friends was in a similar situation to you and went private - husband ended up having a breakdown and being off work for months and it was triggered by the enormous financial worry, and they ended up having to sell their house to keep the children in the schools as they were settled by then. Unless you can afford it comfortably it really is a very heavy burden to carry with no real guarantee of it being worth it. Save for your pensions, university and educational holidays and tutoring - you will end up with just as happy a life for your children.

[pembelimum]

@thetell I’m so sorry for your friend and her husband. I hope he’s recovered.

[thetell]

@pembelimum he is doing really well thank you!

[Jonticlair]

We have done the same thing you OP, turned down a top ten indie for my elder DC because we are uncertain we can fund it for both children (well, we could fund it, but it would be years of stress and we had to weigh how that would’ve impacted us all). It is the sensible choice, but I do feel really sad about it.

[frontiersback]

How are you feeling today OP?

I am feeling very good about it all.

We have an excellent state school option.

We are really looking forward to it now.

Jonitclair I feel more relief than sadness now, we have a great kid. It really is the sensible choice but the stress of the money would be a very negative and the entire selection process is an anxious one.

[JackieWeaver4PrimeMinister]

In your position I'd hands down do state school, and use the "leftover" cash to support DC into a really fun club he might like, or tutoring and reassess after year 7. School is important but so is having enough leftover so that parents aren't stressed, you can have fun experiences in holidays etc.

[pembelimum]

Thanks @frontiersback for asking. Still wish it were doable but feel a lot better. I’ve been dreaming about it a lot but much less anxious since I’ve finally made the decision. Glad you feel relieved too.
@Jonticlair I know what you mean about sadness even though it’s the right decision.
I love JackieWeaver’s suggestion on fun holidays. Have resolved to sort the kids passports so we can try to travel when it becomes possible.

[frontiersback]

Onwards and Upward pembelimum all the very best to you and your family!