Total deadlock with DH over school choices!

[NW11985]

DH went to state school, state 6th form, worked his butt off, got 7 A's at A Level and went to Oxbridge getting Bsc and MA.

I went to fee-paying school (co-ed), got 2 C's and went to a mediocre regional university (though loved it).

I subsequently taught in state comprehensive schools for 20 years.

DH and I simply cannot agree on DS schooling. DH feels he himself missed out on many opportunities his contemporaries at Oxbridge had, such as all the benefits of private school ed. He wonders what he could have achieved if he's had this start in life (as if 7 A's wasn't enough)! He is therefore passionate about sending DH to private school.

I on the other hand am passionately pro state ed, and co-educational / mixed. I think our DS will get a real richness of experience from his upbringing with us as conscious parents who encourage him to do lots of activities, travel etc, and that the social benefits of attending comp with a more inclusive range of young people will make him a more rounded person (like my husband is!)

I believe my DH is brilliant because of his state ed and not in spite of it. He believes he missed out and does not want that for our son.

We are in good humour but absolutely at deadlock! We are joking about using DC2 as an experiment and sending one (mine) to state and one private (his) and then placing bets. Jokes obviously!

Please help! How on earth do we ever find a compromise or solution to this which has been going on for years!

[HPFA]

I wonder if anyone has done any research comparing outcomes from the "top" public schools and your more standard private school? I suppose it would be hard to devise a methodology but it would be interesting to know - I would guess that the difference in terms of eventual careers etc would be as great if not more than between state and private but it would be interesting to know.

[Bekabeech]

HPFA you could just look at the number of MPs who attended certain schools?

[DailyWailEatsSnails]

I feel very uncomfortable at idea of playing along with a system where it's not what you know but who you know that gets you success. Anyway, the vast majority of people who go to Eton don't do anything special with their lives. You could call them underachievers for that, given the supposed importance of connections.

[CruCru]

This is an interesting thread. One comment has jumped out at me - "the social benefits of attending comp with a more inclusive range of young people will make him a more rounded person".

I went to a state comprehensive - it was very good in many ways. However, I wouldn't have said that the social classes (if that is the best way of putting it) mixed all that much. Once we were in year 9 / 10, we were put into sets for almost all subjects so the kids I spent time with were those in the top sets. Some were better off than others but they all tended to be well spoken and middle class.

A friend used to teach in a school in east London and once had a parent come in to say how disappointed she was that her child had, more or less, only middle class children in her friendship group. My friend told her that, although the children are put into different groups and are encouraged to mix, the teachers do not choose their friends for them.

[Hoppinggreen]

I went to Private School, DH didn’t
I’m not better connected than he is - he has a close friend who married into the aristocracy in fact
My friendship group is probably more diverse than his

[spacecadet48]

Unfortunately Hoppinggreen the connected who do well appear to be mainly men sadly. Interestingly my eldest DS has more 'connections' from his local rugby club than he does from his private school. However some of the boys families within his private school were well connected. Some of them skipped out of school having achieved no A levels stayed and got a BTEC. Went to uni and got a pass and are now in working in the city due to someone knowing someone. I know some who didn't bother going to uni and didnt do particularly well in there A levels and are in good jobs too. My OH has alot of very upper class born into wealth individuals who have all their DC going to Eton. They have the freebie holidays every year as someone has invited them to their villa for a few weeks. They don't have to worry about money as they can sell one of their inherited paintings. Different world for most of us but they are lovely people despite moaning about the lack of proper cutlery for an omelet! (Thankfully not towards me!) My DS has already experienced it during interviews and they have spent most of it talking about rugby. Aren't most of our male top politicians part of the bulingdon club too?

[halfwitpicker]

As another state educated rugrat, I agree with your DH.

[DailyWailEatsSnails]

I am white, from (what Americans call) upper middle class & almost all my best buds in high school were black girls living in the ghetto & immigrant Mexicans living in overcrowded houses. The one buddy who could be called upper middle class was still Mexican (& Jewish).

Now I live 5000 miles from where I grew up. Many of my co-workers are also massive long distance transplants. That much we have in common, true.

Hence I can't imagine a life where your connections determine who you are.

[mastertomsmum]

My DS started off in a large Pre-Prep and Prep school. We switched to a primary school for the last 2 Yrs. When it came to choosing secondary schools we did all the state school visits and most of the independents.

Even the local branch of one of the academy franchises hereabouts could offer most of the opportunities - skiing, good school trips, links to local industry, Air Cadets etc. - that I had thought were amongst the advantages of an independent school setting. Academically the school is less good on paper but their best students have done very well.

My son could have gone to one of the private grammar schools with Yr7 being main year of entry or one of the other independents with Yr9 being the main year of entry. Instead he chose another of the local state academies.

In terms of opportunities his school has all of the same things the independent school with the best facilities - Duke of Edinburgh Awards, skiing, links to an African school, residential school trips, theatre, drama studio etc. The school is also more academic than the independent with the best facilities.

Breath of subjects is better than the most academic of the local independents, the best of which does not offer Food Tech.

Help and the pastoral side - it’s my feeling a state school almost always does this better.

Basically it just comes down to class sizes.