Can I have positive stories of an amicable seperation PLEEEEEEASE!

[lilymolly]

my thread

if you can be bothered to read through my other thread thanks! but if not basically dp left me and dc 4 and 1 last week and after a few days of trauma and abandonment, we seem to be talking and agreeing with each other about aspects of the split, such as house, maintainace, child care etc etc

Can I have your positive stories about amicable splits please?

Can it be done, and if so how do you do it?

Neither of us where abusive in the realtionship and we where almost more like brother/ sister or best friends than lovers! so can we remain friends for the sake of the children?

[SereneSwanMadlyPaddling]

We managed to negotiate a "training rate" with our solicitors, since we were the first collaborative-law clients for both of them! (My XH's idea: he always was a fantastic negiator!)

We remained amazingly amicable throughout, with only one sticking-point, relating to his future plans to move out of the UK. My solicitor persuaded me not to stress about including a commitment in our separation agreement, since - as she pointed out - it could only be enforced by a £10,000 day in court, and as far as she'd seen, we weren't the kind of people to abdicate decision-making for our lives to someone else.

It was good advice!

[purpleduck]

Glad to hear it can be done.

My ( I don't know what to call him... "ex" sounds like he's been eliminated from a gameshow, "my children's father" sounds clinical, "co-parent" sounds like we are a same sex couple..... Hmmm)
Anyways, he moves out next week - I think i really need some space

[partytime]

I am more than happy with the collaborative approach but as you say Serene you pay for two lawyers, it is costly £160+VAT per hour for just mine. They have to be trained in collaborative law and all practioners are listed on the LAw Society we site, I think. Mine was recommended.
I love and care for my STBEXH, I always will, but I didn't want us to split, he chose to leave and I am approaching it from a stand point of 'why should I suffer financially for something he has chosen to do', he thinks that is a reasonable point of view but cannot bring himself to let me be financially independent of him. He wants to keep some control I fear.
This is our sticking point, but it it still friendly at the moment.

[undermyskin]

Like many have posted, an amicable separation is certainly possible, if both parents work at it, focus on the children's interests and never allow animosity to spiral.

My partner (of 16 years) and I separated 18 months ago - he had been having an affair so he certainly wasn't my favourite person but he was still my children's father. The first 6 months were turbulent (away from my 10 yo DD's ears) as I think we both thought resolution was going to be the way forward, so despite endless conversations about separating things, no action was ever taken. Perhaps there was even some bluffing on each of our parts, just to see how far each of us would take it. It took an enormous event to knock sense into us both and realise what was important(our DS died, always expected, and a terrible source of sorrow and tension between exDP and me since DS was asphyxiated at birth), and since then we have not looked back on our very amicable separation - open access to DD, no quibbles about money, regular chats about how things are going, met each other's new DPs (and all included in DD's birthday recently). End result, a very happy and secure DD and two pretty happy adults.

I would not have wanted to involve solicitors and I firmly believe this has helped. For me in particular, much of reaching this stage has been about establishing some trust again where exDP is concerned. In contrast, new DP is back in court to try and secure some contact with his DC following horrid divorce. So, amicability, despite fraught history, has to be the way to go.

[SereneSwanMadlyPaddling]

Lifeissweet: at last - someone else who also has a 50/50 parenting arrangement! And it seems to have been working for you for some time. My DD (14 when we split) was very clear that she wanted to spend equal times with both of us, so we now live only one village away. Interestingly, after 2 years she came to the decision that she wanted to spend more time living with me: my house felt more like "home". Very hard for her to say, but XH took it very well. And - perhaps not surprisingly - she's now back to 50/50 again. It's her choice, but we do tell her to give us enough notice.

[SereneSwanMadlyPaddling]

Hi Petitioner - I'm interested that you say you could have probably "got more" in a settlement, but only at the cost of an amicable divorce. I made the same decision. How do you manage / maintain that feeling - especially if money gets tight or circumstances change? You seem to have a really good take on this - I'd be really grateful to hear from you. Swan

[SereneSwanMadlyPaddling]

Purpleduck - it does feel a bit strange talkin g amicably with your partner / husband about all the arrangements for separation - but that's all it is: kind of strange and weird. But it doesn't have to be horrible and antagonistic as well. We kind of weirded-out our friends by how open and chatty we were about about it all - that was almost fun! But we were each the person who knew how sad the other person was feeling.

[SereneSwanMadlyPaddling]

Wow Partytime - someone else who's going for collaborative law! How's it going? I'd really like to hear from someone else who's gone this route.
If your XH is being obstructive you could always play the "expense" card: those solicitors charge by the 10 minutes, and if you've got 2 of them sitting in the room, and he's dicking around, it's costing you both money!

[partytime]

I have gone for collaborative law approach due to the lack of conflict. However despite this my ex has been recently quite antagonistic, not agreeing to much, questioning all the time. I wonder if OW is putting her tuppence worth in?
But I hope we can get back on track and sort it amicably.
I wish you the best of luck OP.

[SereneSwanMadlyPaddling]

Dear Lily: I've only just found your post - I'd love to discuss this more with you. We're 2 1/2 years down the line, and still managing to be amicable. (Touch wood...)

The most important advice I would say is DON'T GO STRAIGHT TO SOLICITORS! Try Collaborative Law - a new process. You each need to find a solicitor who has trained in it. You get one solo meeting to start with your solicitor, and thereafter every meeting is a 4-way joint meeting. It really helps to avoid the adversarial-law thing, whereby it's in your your legal advisor's interests to go for the jugular. We found it really helpful. Get in touch with me if you'd like me to explain a bit more about it.

[DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE]

once dc dad accepted i wasn't coming back (took a few weeks)

we have been very amicable.

weren't married.

but no arrguements over child maintenance. we agreed a figure and thats it. i took what i needed from house for kids.

we've been on days out with him and new gf and our dc... had a little wobble at way he was introducing her initially. bit too full on.

we have some set times. but other than that the situation is very ad hoc...

we never bitch about each other in RL. at the end of day i'm mother of his dc and he is father of mine..

thats why i love mn.... i can have a good old grumble if he's driving me bonkers as cant in RL.

its not easy. you do have to be amicable but still firm sometimes. and pick your battles.

unless its having a detrimental effect on dc.... his way of parenting isn't wrong... its just different.

[purpleduck]

My H and I just separated - he's not moved out , and so far everything is amicable. Almost eerily so. We are having strange conversations like
"Hey, I gota toaster for my new place"
" ooh, nice, what colour?"
Its all a bit weird as we seem to actively be helping each other with the split. I washed his new towels and bedding that he got for his new place, and he is waiting in tomorrow for my new bed.

Is it too strange? I don't know, but it feels better than being tense and angry all the time. I just want my kids to have a happy home to live in - 2 happy homes now.

I really really hope it stays this way.

[fortyplus]

Friends of mine are going through amicable divorce. They've agreed that they have grown apart - that maybe they never loved eachother in the first place like they thought they did. But that they have loads of shared history - and the children.

The husband put it best: I want to stay friends with dw because of everything we have shgared, but mainly because - selfishly - I recognise that it's in the best interests of my children if we can stay friends.

[mmmmmbuttons]

Yes, similar situation to yours op, grew apart. Things are very amicable, he has the children every other weekend, comes for dinner and to put them to bed one night in the week.

We buy joint birthday and christmas presents (so there is no competition).

Although he has a court paper saying he doesn't earn enough to pay maintenance, he will pick up the occassional bag of shopping for us, buy coats and shoes.

Personally I beleive that if you can keep parenting and money separate it goes along way towards an amicable split.

[jasper]

Yes,
No solicitors.
Still friends

[Tanga]

Fantastic advice so far - detachment, definitely. And it feels good, not to have to worry about HIS stuff.

My DH was rampantly, compulsively unfaithful. It was on one level devastating but I had counselling and could be honest about the fact that we had grown apart, that it wasn't great for either of us. And I wasn't happy either, so divorce was a great relief all round.

I have been flamed on here for being negative about solicitors but they can stir things up and I know that ex was convinced that I would keep his beloved DD from him, restrict access and get away with it - in fact he had a bit of a funny time when he was convinced it would be better for her if he just withdrew from her life.

But now we are as friendly as you can hope for. CSA helped (no difficult discussions about money) and respect for each other as parents and people DD loved helped more. Ex and his new wife came to mine for DD's 13th birthday party, we've had days out together, we discuss important topics, attend options evenings together. I can easily imagine us being at her wedding together.

Don't try to control their time together. Don't be so arrogant to assume that you know best just because you are the mother. Don't underestimate the importance of allowing children to love both parents.

[thesouthsbelle]

totally agree with squirles there.

as well I think people find our set up odd we get on so well - b ut it would be nice to aspire to the sort of situation that bigb has think we're half way there, it's always been important to me that DS can openly talk about XH, we talk about his dad all the time & if he has a question I can't answer then he gets his little phone out, I ring his dad for him & he'll ask his dad - same with my ex inlaws. he knows he can ring them at any time and them him.

can't stress it enough thou it's for the kids sake not the adults - I think when one party doesn't understand that thou thats when you have problems.

also like bigb we have an 'unofficial' pact that neither bad mouths the other parent or inlaws etc, as we both see it it's still DS's family at the end of the day - which is also why DS has pics of his dad & his side of the family in his room - it's important to me more so I think than XH althou XH is in agreement that DS knows where he's come from & who his family is & his dads family are etc etc. (I am a bit of a moo when it comes to XH taking DS on holidays but am working on that one - as I ring him every 2-3 days to say night, but as I say working on it)

[JaynieB]

My DP has had an exemplary split from his ex. No lawyers, all sorted between themselves, kids seemed to have coped v well. Ex wife now remarried, me and DP have 3yr old girl.
Not always easy, but it is possible.

[ChasingSquirrels]

I was just thinking that about the costs.
Also about "getting more", I am sure I could - but as you say.
food for thought - thanks.

[Petitioner]

lily - there will be moments when it all goes tits up!

We've had very nasty rows and threats. When we calmed down we started the conversation (the next day) with an apology.

[intercoursethepenguin]

No

[Petitioner]

Squirrels - my costs are all court costs apart from the 145...... I question if your sol has included his fee as well as court costs?

The big reason for me not to use sols is because I have been told by so many people they encourage and adversarial attitude.

If they cost and helped an amicable divorce it would be worth paying over the odds but if you can be amicable and agree you don't need sols. I talked over my financial plans with a trusted friend who agreed with my take on it.... I was probably able to 'get more' but it would be at the expense of my amicable divorce.

I don't want my ex penniless. I want him to live a great life with his children when they are with him.

I cannot agree more with the previous posters who stress that being 'over' your partner helps an amiacble divorce

[lilymolly]

Thank you very much girls

Thats advice gives me something to aspire too

Keep them coming

x

[BigBadMummy]

I think I have the most amicable divorce ever.

Agreed everything between us, did the divorce on line, cost £360 all in.

We haven't got anything in writing about access or the maintenance. We agreed a figure 9 years ago and it has always been paid on time. Holidays are split and it used to be every other weekend but now my son is at a school on a Saturday it is as and when he has an exeat.

We made a pact on the night we split that we would never use the children as pawns and that this was about us, not them. We have stuck to that.

We have never bad mouthed each other in front of the DCs and they are free to talk about their dad whenever they want to without fear of me asking them to change the conversation.

We have both now remarried and things are still amicable.

It can be done. But you have to work at it.

[thesouthsbelle]

yes I have as well. agree with shiney.

ours was amicable. XH stood by his word, understood when I was angry & tbh he took it, I understood when he was angry & took it.

we went for weeks without talking in the early days, we also had a lot of upset, he was a bastard and tried to carry on controlling.

agree with being totally over him. now we co parent v v v well, we talk about things (his work mostly & DS - to be fair thou he's also there if I have man troubles and need someone sorting out ) we've both had to work hard at it I think more so on my part - not forgiving & forgetting what he's done etc etc but being grown up and mature enough to see that by being arsey with his DS suffers, and I think he also sees that - ultimately it's about the kids - so if you're both mature enough to be able to seperate your problems as a couple from how you parent your children then you're half way there.

key thing is detachment, trust to a degree, and knowing when to pick your battles.