Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I have positive stories of an amicable seperation PLEEEEEEASE!

39 replies

lilymolly · 14/03/2010 20:25

my thread

if you can be bothered to read through my other thread thanks! but if not basically dp left me and dc 4 and 1 last week and after a few days of trauma and abandonment, we seem to be talking and agreeing with each other about aspects of the split, such as house, maintainace, child care etc etc

Can I have your positive stories about amicable splits please?

Can it be done, and if so how do you do it?

Neither of us where abusive in the realtionship and we where almost more like brother/ sister or best friends than lovers! so can we remain friends for the sake of the children?

OP posts:
chubbasmum · 14/03/2010 20:38

wish i could say yes its possible but all i can say is seek legal advice before agreeing to anything i also thought i had an amicable separation with my ex we agreed on everything but he had a hidden agenda then i spoilt it all by seeking legal advice and thinking of myself and my daughter. same here we were good friends and we talked about remaining friends for dd`s sake but now we see him every six months if we are lucky im not saying yours will be like that but just be careful

IvanaPavlov · 14/03/2010 20:41

I'm sure you can and it would be best for your DCs if you could. But if he left it might be worth asking yourself if secretly you're hoping he'll come back if you stay friends? If there really is no emotional connection between you any more, then being on good terms might well be possible.

Wish I had a positive story to share - my split wasn't amicable! I'm sure there'll be other more inspiring stories from MNetters soon.

Good Luck

Original poster
lilymolly · 14/03/2010 20:41

what was his agenda?

OP posts:
Original poster
lilymolly · 14/03/2010 20:42

No I know he wont come back.It would be nice but he has made it crystal clear he is not coming back

OP posts:
elastamum · 14/03/2010 20:47

My ex left us for an afair and we negotiated our settlement around the kitchen table on a laptop then sent a spreadsheet to our respective solicitors. His then tried to cause a fight but we both asked them to stop questioning it and do as we wanted. I wouldnt say we are friends but we are polite to each other, chat on the phone about the kids and I let him have access to the house to pick up their stuff when I am not there. The big thing I did early on was set out the ground rules about how we were to behave to each other and the importance of respect and politleness in front of the children. If he was ever rude or disrespectful to me in my house I asked him to leave or put the phone down. Now it rarely happens and if we dissagree we do it on e mail. good luck!

chubbasmum · 14/03/2010 20:47

the agenda was he was moving in with his gf whom i didnt know existed wanted everything split 50/50 and promised to help us find temporary accommodation plus help with childcare everything i wanted to hear

Petitioner · 14/03/2010 20:59

Yes it's possible.

I have had an amicable separation. Our children have come first. We have not involved solicitors. I have not gone after his money and he has not tried to turf me out of the house.

We agreed a financial split and we agreed contact.

If I went to sols they'd encourage me to fight for more than I have settled for.

I have enough to live on. I have a house (huge mortgage!!!) but it's a home and my children have a relationship with both of us that is calm. We had a family meal together last night.

Today I'm planning a weekend away with my new man. Life is good.

It hasn't been easy.....but we've worked to get to this point. No blame and no intention to destroy the parent of our children have got us here

ChasingSquirrels · 14/03/2010 21:03

Petitioner - are you divorced? I am in much the same position - all agreed etc, but now 2 years down the line and thinking divorce, so solicitors...

chubbasmum · 14/03/2010 21:12

thats good to hear Petitioner in my case i just didnt have anything to give and he didnt have anything but was prepared to take what i worked for and give it to another woman bearing in mind that he was a regular at the local pub and William Hill bookies was another hang out place for him so really i had to fight for my dd`s as well as my own. Im sorry Lilymolly to put a downer on things but this is the time you need to be strong and alert i really do wish you the best

lifeissweet · 14/03/2010 21:19

My dh (still technically married) and I have been separated for nearly 2 years. I chose to leave and it was hard and heartbreaking, but I have to say it has been incredibly amicable.

We see or speak to each other everyday because we have a 50/50 custody arrangement with DS. When I have DS we call Daddy to say goodnight and vice versa. Then after DS is asleep we talk about DS's day. What he's been doing, what he's eaten...etc. I also see him on the mornings I have DS as he does the school run.

We are not friends in that I don't really want to socialise with him or anything, but we still talk and it is still warm and not in any way awkward or unpleasant. We knew we wanted it to be that way for DS and managed to sort out all of the practicalities without an argument. I have done a lot of letting things go in terms of dividing our belongings, sorting out money..etc because I felt guilty about being the one who left, but I think it has been worth it for the harmony we seem to have maintained for DS.

The only trouble I see ahead is when one of us meets someone else - as that may throw up some issues - but so far, so good.

Hope that is positive enough for you!

RumourOfAHurricane · 14/03/2010 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Petitioner · 14/03/2010 21:34

chubbasmum - I have handled the petition myself which I found harder than the absolute or the financial stuff. The aim was to obtain a legal divorce but not lay blame

The financial stuff was kept simple by our desire to do so.

We sent it off to a fixed price consent order site (who prepared it for the courts)

Total cost
300 for petition
145 for consent order
40 for sealing consent order
40 for absolute

Price of harmony between my childen and their parents...........well ? priceless but I will be working and paying a mortgage for years. It's still worth it.

I did not have a husband who bestowed me with great wealth. Money was an issue. I have just changed my expectations in life and know that the children sleeping well and smiling is worth far more than owning more of the house I live in.

Petitioner · 14/03/2010 21:35

Sorry that was to chasing squirrels!

ChasingSquirrels · 14/03/2010 21:38

thanks.
have had some correspondence with local solicitor through a work contact, and he estimated £900-£1,100.
Am worried about it getting messy again once proceedings are started.

thesouthsbelle · 14/03/2010 21:43

yes I have as well. agree with shiney.

ours was amicable. XH stood by his word, understood when I was angry & tbh he took it, I understood when he was angry & took it.

we went for weeks without talking in the early days, we also had a lot of upset, he was a bastard and tried to carry on controlling.

agree with being totally over him. now we co parent v v v well, we talk about things (his work mostly & DS - to be fair thou he's also there if I have man troubles and need someone sorting out ) we've both had to work hard at it I think more so on my part - not forgiving & forgetting what he's done etc etc but being grown up and mature enough to see that by being arsey with his DS suffers, and I think he also sees that - ultimately it's about the kids - so if you're both mature enough to be able to seperate your problems as a couple from how you parent your children then you're half way there.

key thing is detachment, trust to a degree, and knowing when to pick your battles.

BigBadMummy · 14/03/2010 21:52

I think I have the most amicable divorce ever.

Agreed everything between us, did the divorce on line, cost £360 all in.

We haven't got anything in writing about access or the maintenance. We agreed a figure 9 years ago and it has always been paid on time. Holidays are split and it used to be every other weekend but now my son is at a school on a Saturday it is as and when he has an exeat.

We made a pact on the night we split that we would never use the children as pawns and that this was about us, not them. We have stuck to that.

We have never bad mouthed each other in front of the DCs and they are free to talk about their dad whenever they want to without fear of me asking them to change the conversation.

We have both now remarried and things are still amicable.

It can be done. But you have to work at it.

Original poster
lilymolly · 14/03/2010 21:54

Thank you very much girls

Thats advice gives me something to aspire too

Keep them coming

x

OP posts:
Petitioner · 14/03/2010 21:57

Squirrels - my costs are all court costs apart from the 145...... I question if your sol has included his fee as well as court costs?

The big reason for me not to use sols is because I have been told by so many people they encourage and adversarial attitude.

If they cost and helped an amicable divorce it would be worth paying over the odds but if you can be amicable and agree you don't need sols. I talked over my financial plans with a trusted friend who agreed with my take on it.... I was probably able to 'get more' but it would be at the expense of my amicable divorce.

I don't want my ex penniless. I want him to live a great life with his children when they are with him.

I cannot agree more with the previous posters who stress that being 'over' your partner helps an amiacble divorce

intercoursethepenguin · 14/03/2010 21:59

No

Petitioner · 14/03/2010 22:00

lily - there will be moments when it all goes tits up!

We've had very nasty rows and threats. When we calmed down we started the conversation (the next day) with an apology.

ChasingSquirrels · 14/03/2010 22:00

I was just thinking that about the costs.
Also about "getting more", I am sure I could - but as you say.
food for thought - thanks.

JaynieB · 14/03/2010 22:04

My DP has had an exemplary split from his ex. No lawyers, all sorted between themselves, kids seemed to have coped v well. Ex wife now remarried, me and DP have 3yr old girl.
Not always easy, but it is possible.

thesouthsbelle · 14/03/2010 22:06

totally agree with squirles there.

as well I think people find our set up odd we get on so well - b ut it would be nice to aspire to the sort of situation that bigb has think we're half way there, it's always been important to me that DS can openly talk about XH, we talk about his dad all the time & if he has a question I can't answer then he gets his little phone out, I ring his dad for him & he'll ask his dad - same with my ex inlaws. he knows he can ring them at any time and them him.

can't stress it enough thou it's for the kids sake not the adults - I think when one party doesn't understand that thou thats when you have problems.

also like bigb we have an 'unofficial' pact that neither bad mouths the other parent or inlaws etc, as we both see it it's still DS's family at the end of the day - which is also why DS has pics of his dad & his side of the family in his room - it's important to me more so I think than XH althou XH is in agreement that DS knows where he's come from & who his family is & his dads family are etc etc. (I am a bit of a moo when it comes to XH taking DS on holidays but am working on that one - as I ring him every 2-3 days to say night, but as I say working on it)

Tanga · 14/03/2010 22:06

Fantastic advice so far - detachment, definitely. And it feels good, not to have to worry about HIS stuff.

My DH was rampantly, compulsively unfaithful. It was on one level devastating but I had counselling and could be honest about the fact that we had grown apart, that it wasn't great for either of us. And I wasn't happy either, so divorce was a great relief all round.

I have been flamed on here for being negative about solicitors but they can stir things up and I know that ex was convinced that I would keep his beloved DD from him, restrict access and get away with it - in fact he had a bit of a funny time when he was convinced it would be better for her if he just withdrew from her life.

But now we are as friendly as you can hope for. CSA helped (no difficult discussions about money) and respect for each other as parents and people DD loved helped more. Ex and his new wife came to mine for DD's 13th birthday party, we've had days out together, we discuss important topics, attend options evenings together. I can easily imagine us being at her wedding together.

Don't try to control their time together. Don't be so arrogant to assume that you know best just because you are the mother. Don't underestimate the importance of allowing children to love both parents.

jasper · 14/03/2010 23:30

Yes,
No solicitors.
Still friends

Swipe left for the next trending thread