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Relationships

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Original poster

How do you date a man who has his dd every weekend?

36 replies

talie101 · 07/06/2009 19:20

Have just met a lovely guy and I would love to see him again.... the only trouble is he has his daughter EVERY weekend and once in the week. We live 45 mins apart, which isn't much but having two young children myself, I would find it difficult seeing him more than once a week if that... due to lack of babysitters and work the next morning.

I am childfree every other weekend as my children go to their dads every other weekend, but he has his daughter EVERY weekend so I could only see him in the week unless there was a change of plan. I don't think he gets to change access very often either.. his ex calls the shots by the sounds of things as she has a new partner and wants to see him!

If we managed to establish a relationship, only seeing each other once a week, I have no problem with him having his daughter every weekend (although it would be nice to have some fun 'weekends' alone together).... do you think this is a complete non starter in trying to form a relationship with him?????

Anyone in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Earlybird · 07/06/2009 19:25

Need more background info:

How old is his dd?
How long have you known the new chap, and how often have you seen him?

purpleduck · 07/06/2009 19:29

Do you resent this? Seems so by the capital "EVERY".
Does he resesnt this?

I would love some fun free weekends too, but I am a parent. As is your new guy.
I would have thought being a parent yourself, you would have more understanding, and be HAPPY to have found someone who is a responsible parent.

What if he started complaining that YOU have YOUR children EVERY weekday?

spottydognonorks · 07/06/2009 19:33

My ex has our dd every weekend. She is autistic and wouldn't cope with longer distances between visits as she can't understand the concept of every other weekend.

So just in case you are talking about my ex, I'd have to say no, he's a bit of a twat...steer clear

Surfermum · 07/06/2009 19:35

Why can't you see him when he has his daughter? He could get a babysitter and go out with you on a Friday or Saturday night.

BeehiveBaby · 07/06/2009 19:43

I agree with Surfermum. It sounds like a really good access arrangement that might help prevent some of the step parenting trials that creep up down the line but with having her that often and on the same days it is not unreasonable to get a sitter. IME when dads see them less often, it tends to become a ore artificial 'treat' time that brings its own difficulties.

BeehiveBaby · 07/06/2009 19:43

more

Earlybird · 07/06/2009 19:44

Dating with children in the mix is very different to dating as a single person - obviously.

His is the more 'complicated' weekend situation, so why not let him be the one to suggest the way forward? You can then decide if you're happy with the quantity and quality time you have together.

With all due respect, it sounds as if you need to slow down and take things as they come. All these questions sound very premature for someone you've just met.

travellingwilbury · 07/06/2009 19:49

I just wanted to say that my dad was just like your new man . I am now nearly 40 and a couple of years ago I thanked him and his wife for being so consistent in my life as I was growing up . I know that it was probably hard at times never being able to to have a free weekend but his new partner knew that my dad was a comitted father to his children and that has got to mean something surely .

What exactly do you want him to do ?

ginnny · 07/06/2009 19:55

I think thats a plus point that he sees his dd every weekend. Shows how committed he is to being a good father.
Have you met his dd? How old is she?
Surely in time you could go and spend time with them both and when things settle maybe get a babysitter and get some free time together.

ginnny · 07/06/2009 19:55

Original poster

talie101 · 07/06/2009 20:05

His dd is 7, which is a bonus as my eldest is 6.

I met him two years ago but the timing just wasn't right... I was going through hell with my then recent divorce and he was just getting divorced. We have kept in touch ever since and arranged to meet up again. There is lots of chemistry between us and he is just a lovely genuine guy. I have only had one date so far with him because of our situations, but we've spoken every day since.

Purpleduck.... no, I don't resent this fact, It's just so far I have never dated a man who has his kids every weekend... I have only come across those whose access is every other weekend, like my situation.... so it has been easy to date on our 'childfree' weekends and really spend some time together and get to know one another. I have no idea if he resents this (I think he adores his dd), but from a few things he has said to me, I get the impression his ex lay down the law when he sees his daughter...so I'm guessing his time with her is very precious.

Yes, I do appreciate him being a responsible parent as a lot of men aren't (my ex isn't always one of them!) ... it just seems a shame that his ex wife gets to pass their dd onto him every weekend so she can have all weekend free to establish a relationship with her new man but doesn't give him a free weekend to get to know someone? I'm crap at explaining what I mean and I don't want it to sound awful, cos that's not the way I mean it to sound.

Spotty... I understand totally the reasons behind access being every weekend for your daughter.... haha and no it's not your ex... I have a twat radar now due to my ex also being one! lol

I really don't have an issue with him having his daughter, I just wanted opinions on whether people thought seeing a guy once a week (if that) would be enough to get a relationship going or whether to just leave it?

OP posts:

Original poster

talie101 · 07/06/2009 20:14

Sorry... lost internet connection and didn't see the rest of the replies before I posted mine.

Thank you for the replies... now I see different views, things seem much clearer and easier to understand.... that there are ways around the situation.

I have only had one date with the guy so it's way too early to be introducing the children to the other person and I haven't asked him if he ever gets anyone to look after his dd so he can also go out now and again at a weekend... I guess, I should stop thinking too far ahead and just slow down like you say.

I think I've fallen for him in a big way though, and from what he says to me I think he's pretty keen too.

OP posts:

lostinthecitylover · 07/06/2009 20:59

i think that some of the replies have been a bit harsh. Of course when you become a parent you have to be responsible but the 'norm' when you split is to see dcs every other weekend. (not making a judgement about that btw)

And seems to me that his exp will be missing out if she doesn't see her dd at all at weekends. That's when you can do some fun stuff with dcs. Maybe she would be willing to change to three wekends a month.

As to whether it would work I would think that it might not be easy at first but eventually if a strong relationship develops it could work with a bit of flexible thinking eg possibly getting a babysitter if something important at weekend.

Am negotiating the dating minefield as a single parent myself (with varying degrees of success) and can't help thinking that if the man is right then then the situation will will work itself out rather than the other way round.

Good luck

BeehiveBaby · 07/06/2009 21:38

I maintain that that 'norm' damages the relationship with father and child/ren to the extent that his personal reationships are made more difficult.

lostinthecitylover · 07/06/2009 21:53

are you a stepparent beehive?

lostinthecitylover · 07/06/2009 21:53

sorry step parent

BeehiveBaby · 07/06/2009 22:02

Parent and child

BeehiveBaby · 07/06/2009 22:03

All I mean is that it can become a more high maintenance relationship during the fewer hours....was really focussing on th OP's situation and the positives therein, not trying to pick a fight with single parents and their access choices.

lostinthecitylover · 07/06/2009 22:12

no I am not wanting to pick a fight either beehive to some extent I agree with you - it's not often enough to make it real - it can be very artificial. And having step children descending upon you every other weekend must be difficult. I think my exhs exp finds it really stressful.

But from point of view of op I can see why it could be difficult and would think that her nm's exp is missing out

ie I would not want to sacrifice my weekends with dcs (I am resident parent) at all they are precious and it's a totally different pace to the weekdays which are manic. And I would not put any new relationship over and above my weekends with dcs either.

purpleduck · 07/06/2009 22:24

Can you guys book the odd afternoon off - and have a week-day afternoon date instead of the usual Saturday night...?

Obviously you can't do that all the time...

Also, I would have thought that maybe when his dd gets a bit older, there will be more sleepovers, and that sort of thing.

Does your guy live in the same area as his ex? I suppose I'm asking if his dd's friends are in the same area as he is?

purpleduck · 07/06/2009 22:25

Does his access start on Fridays?
Perhaps he could negotiate the odd weekend where she comes to him on Saturday morning?

twoclimbingboys · 07/06/2009 22:38

purpleduck - surely he should not cut down access to his daughter for the sake of a relationship?

I think see how it goes and it will be much easier to manage when you can be introduced to his daughter and all spend time together.

purpleduck · 07/06/2009 22:45

I'm talking maybe one weekend a month.

And I love Friday nights with my kids - knowing we can stay up a bit later, etc -perhaps the DD and her mum would like this as well?

Certainly not saying New Man should marginalise his dd for a relationship - his dd needs to be happy with any changes as well.

Rindercella · 07/06/2009 22:57

When I met my DH he was recently separated and had his DS every weekend, without fail. It was tough sometimes (and initally we lived 80 miles apart), but I knew he was the man for me - there was a lot of chemistry there. DSS was 9 years old when I first met him (about 6 months after DH & I first started dating), and he is now 18. I like to think I have been a postive influence in his life and we now share a lot of love & respect.

It was bloody tough sometimes. I would even suggest to DH to get a babysitter sometimes, but DH would have none of it - those weekends were his priceless time with his DS. I guess if he had been any other way I may not have found him quite so remarkable/amazing/gorgeous/etc..

My advice? Take your time. Make the effort to get to know this man more - during the week, on a long Sunday night together. In time, the arrangements may well change. He sounds pretty good to me. Good luck

MadameDefarge · 07/06/2009 23:58

I am with Rindercella on this. My Dp has two dcs he goes home to in another city each weekend. I know how much he grieved for them in the early days. Now he is sort of accustomed to not seeing them during the week. All this time I had my ds who I would have during the week. Bizarrely I then had the situation of having DP and DS during the week and then be alone every weekend, which I hated.

Now I have DS every weekend, because that works for ds' school and exp. and we have a wonderful time, and I would be devastated not to have that time with him,and I miss him so much during the week and I do now understand how dp felt in those early days.

My ds comes first, as my DP's children come first, we both know that and love that about each other, if that's not too soppy.

but it is very hard. I do know

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