How do you date a man who has his dd every weekend?

[talie101]

Have just met a lovely guy and I would love to see him again.... the only trouble is he has his daughter EVERY weekend and once in the week. We live 45 mins apart, which isn't much but having two young children myself, I would find it difficult seeing him more than once a week if that... due to lack of babysitters and work the next morning.

I am childfree every other weekend as my children go to their dads every other weekend, but he has his daughter EVERY weekend so I could only see him in the week unless there was a change of plan. I don't think he gets to change access very often either.. his ex calls the shots by the sounds of things as she has a new partner and wants to see him!

If we managed to establish a relationship, only seeing each other once a week, I have no problem with him having his daughter every weekend (although it would be nice to have some fun 'weekends' alone together).... do you think this is a complete non starter in trying to form a relationship with him?????

Anyone in a similar situation?

[Scrumplet]

I feel for his DD's mum TBH (but maybe she doesn't mind ) not seeing her DD on any weekend. I am a lone parent, and really value my alternate weekends with DS. That's when we go off to stay with friends or have them to stay; go on trips; lounge in our pyjamas all day; rent movies and get pizzas in. If DS's dad had DS every weekend, I feel it would emphasise the 'novelty dad' syndrome, rather than lessen it - and feed the mum-does-the-nagging-and-disciplining perception, too - since the dynamic of weekends is so different to the school week and I don't think it would be healthy for one parent to be associated with one, and one with the other. At least this way - with alternate weekends - DS gets to experience and enjoy both his parents in a fun sense, and both of us nagging encouraging him to do chores, etc, too.

Beehive, I can completely see that it is ideal for a child of separated parents to see both those parents as much as possible. I am just not convinced that the dad having the child(ren) every weekend is best for all parties. DS spends one school lunch time per week with his dad, one night in the week with his dad, and every other weekend. I think this is about the best balance we can achieve. What was your relationship with your mum like, Beehive, given that you saw her mostly in working/school week mode?

(OP, sorry not to address you directly. I hope I'm still sort of relevant in this post. And I think the best solution is where everyone gets a share of their needs met, and one of yours is to have time to nurture a new relationship. Of course, as parents, you both have to prioritise the wellbeing of your kids - but not to the point of you being martyrs.)

[nappyaddict]

Could you get a babysitter on a week night so you could meet up then? Does she stop friday night or just saturday night? Does his DD go back to her mum's on a sunday night or monday morning?

[Rindercella]

Scrumplet, your post - particularly the first part of it - really struck me, especially given what I said earlier on in the thread. DH had his DS every weekend because his xW refused to. Point blank. She basically said to DH that she did all of the drudge work during the week, so DH could do it at weekends.

DH once said to her during a mediation session, "xW, just once I would love to hear you say 'sorry ex you can't have DS this weekend because we're going to be doing such and such together'". She apparently looked quite shocked and embarassed by this, but never changed.

Unsurprisingly, DSS hhas a great relationship with his father, and a huge amount of respect for him. Sadly the same cannot be said for his relationship with his mother.

[BonsoirAnna]

I agree with the OP that it is an odd arrangement for her new man to have his DD every weekend, especially if the underlying reason is that her NM's exW wants her weekends along to see her NP.

You need to sort this out pronto by explaining to the new man that he is being railroaded by his exW. If he doesn't or won't understand, give him up - you don't want your life to be ruled by some guy's ex!

[talie101]

Have to agree about the time spent with your children at the weekends... as a single parent, in the week I just don't have enough time to have as much fun with my dd's as at a weekend... come friday evening it's almost like a great weight has been lifted and you can just relax and enjoy doing lots of nice things together that you just can't in the week. I really look forward to 'my' weekends with my dd's as I'm sure their dad looks forward to spending his weekends with them too.... but I would absolutely hate the thought of only spending weekdays/nights with my children... finish school/work at 3pm, come home, a little chill time/play, chores, tea, bath, bed at 7pm... where did the time go? ... and to be honest I'm so shattered in the evenings I'm just not much fun.

It obviously suits his ex wife to hand over their dd every weekend so she can just spend time with her partner... surely she is missing out on quality time with her dd too?

Hopefully down the line maybe we could suggest him not having her at least one weekend a month, even every now and again... but would that not cause tension between him and his ex wife? I think things are pretty amicable between them... but I do sense an underlying 'control' issue from her and him 'anything for a quiet life'..... I don't want to rock the boat being a np.. I get enough crap from the OW and my xh, but like Bonsoir says, I also don't want to be ruled by some guy's ex!... maybe I just need to bide my time, hopefully get to meet his dd and take things from there....I may feel completely differently then.

His dd stays with him overnight once in the week and from friday to sunday night. Sunday's would be impossible for me to go over and see him as it's so manic here getting everything ready for school Monday morning.

The weekends I am 'childfree' is just much easier for me to see someone as I don't have to rely on anyone to babysit... the only person who does babysit for me is my mum and it is really hard work getting her to do it for me at times... she will only when it suits her... date or not.. she couldn't care less! I don't have anyone else and just couldn't afford the expense of a babysitter.

I guess I really should stop thinking too much and just go with the flow shouldn't I.. if it's meant to be it will and everything will work out the best way for ALL of us.

I do appreciate all your views... thank you

[zanz1bar]

I was in the same situation , except i also worked weekends so our couple time was very limited.

He had his then 9 year old DD every weekend.

Make the most of what time you can spare during the week.

I also would stress how important it was for Dp and DD to still have some time alone together at the weekends.
If i was around i would provide toast/cake/tea shut the door and leave the two of them to catch up without me being around (good excuse to soak in the bath for and hour or so)
Dp was all for us to do everything together as a family straight away but i felt dd still needed her dad to herself.

It worked out fine, and reader i married that man. I was childless when i met him , we now have 2 dc together and i never had that transition problem of 'where has our prechildren life gone' as we started off dating with saturday nights in and sundays at the park.

[Scrumplet]

talie101, I do feel for you - and for your new man and his daughter. It strikes me that, although some of us might think it sad that this little girl doesn't have any relaxed/fun weekend time with her mum, maybe it's for the best that she doesn't (in a way), because it doesn't sound as though her mum wants this time - and the little girl would, I'm sure, pick up on this resentment if she spent weekend time with her mum. And that would be damaging; a sort of rejection. So as much as caring for his daughter seems to be monopolising your new man's free time, it's possibly in her best interests, given how her mum is.

But the dynamic between your new man and his ex - regardless of whether it's about custody or anything else - is a bit worrying: her being controlling and him doing her bidding for a quiet life will likely impact on you, and in turn your children, down the line, if you stay together. It's early days, and of course you need to see how your relationship evolves, but I'd keep a close eye on this and be prepared to say something at some stage.

It sounds, with him having his DD three nights a week, as if he and his ex are bordering on 50:50 access/custody/whatever you want to call it. If this is the case, would it be workable for them to split this, say, Sunday-Wednesday for one parent, and Thursday-Saturday for the other - or something like this? Then each parent would have some weekend time alone/with a new partner, some weekend time with the daughter, and they would maintain roughly the same division of care? Or would this be unworkable with your new man's work hours? Worth thinking about, maybe.

Rindercella, that's sad - that your DSS's mum didn't want him at the weekend; it's such a different quality of time! I'll be honest and say that I do fear a super stepmum like yourself coming on the scene and eclipsing me - but I hope our circumstances are different enough for that not to happen. Your DSS's mum doesn't sound that interested, so you filled a void - and brilliantly, by the sounds of it. I'm sure it's paid dividends WRT the wellbeing of your DSS. I love my son to bits and do try to enjoy him and make happy memories with him as much as I can, so hopefully any stepmum will be an addition - an enrichment - to our family set-up, rather than a replacement for me, which I think would be sad for both DS and I.

talie101, you could have a valuable role ahead as a stepmum. Good luck with this situation.

[Hawkmoth]

My DP has his DSDs every weekend. IMO, it's best to show them a normal family life at our home, rather than it being a series of wonderful experiences with every precious minute filled with joy and treats. I think that's a trap some dads can fall into, and it's a shame because all their kids really want is stability, love and a safe family home.

In this vein, we do go out and get babysitters, as we would if we had them all the time. We also make sure we eat together at the table, do homework, bedtime stories, bathtime... all in a nice routine, and the girls feel at home even though it's only two nights a week.

Of course, I also think giving up all my weekends with my kids would be very tough, so things might change in the future for you, OP, as well as me. I hope that it's a choice made jointly by them, as I've been through times when DP has been totally steamrollered by his ex and he's done nothing, and it's absolutely bloody awful.

[Rindercella]

I just discussed this thread with DH, and his opinion was that he had his DS every weekend, not just because his ex demanded that he do so, but it was far more to do with wanting to see his DS as much as possible. As he said, it wasn't like he was being asked to look after a pain in the butt nephew (or whatever) every weekend, it was his son.

I know that when DH first left his ex, he bent over backwards to see his DS. At first she made it awkward for him - saying he was a crap father, didn't want to see his son, etc., and once or twice tried to stop him seeing their DS. Then, when she saw that DH would drive 150 miles each way, stay in Travelodges or whatever (at that point he was living with his sister) every weekend, just so he could see his son and that nothing was going to stop him, she turned tact, and went to the other extreme demanding that DH had him every weekend.

Now I have DD (and even long before tbh), I see this as awful parenting by the exW. But it was so important during all of that time that DSS knew his father was there and was not going to abandon him.

Now that DSS is 18, we don't see him nearly so frequently and we really miss having him about. What I will say though is that apart from the usual teenager grunting, he is a very stable, balanced and responsible young man. He is a credit to his father.

Scrumplet, thanks for those very kind words . I don't know about being a Super Step Mother, I just tried to do the best I could during some quite challenging times, all the while knowing that DSS wasn't responsible for any of the mess.

talie101 good luck & let us know how you get on

[talie101]

If things do progress, then yes, I'm all for him spending quality time alone with his dd ... something I try to bring to the attention of my xh as my dd's are desperate for 'alone' time with him... but unfortunately it falls on deaf ears

I guess I'm also lucky that I would get to see both sides and understand the role of being a 'step parent' a little more. I must say (I guess I would though wouldn't I!! lol)....my ex's partner is very lucky to have my dd's for dsd's though.. they are really good girls and I'm sure she has no complaints.... and I equally must praise her for her being a great step-partner? in my dd's lives... even though I have no wish to meet her yet as she is the OW and we do have our clashes at times, I cannot fault the way she is with the children.

I'm seeing him again Wednesday evening, and as I feel so comfortable talking to him, I may ask a few more questions and tbh I like him so much that I think (after hearing your views and getting my head a little clearer), it would be easy to adapt to this situation.... and I know my dd's would love another playmate, so no problems about that side of things.

[BeehiveBaby]

Scrumplet, my dad had full custody initially, then after a few years 3 nights at Mum's, then I moved to live with my mum for my GCSEs and saw my dad every third weekend. I think the 4/3 split is great if school can be accessed from both and both parents can afford the space and duplicate possesions.

I take your point about 'novelty dad'. I suppose I see the weekend as Saturday AM, to Sunday PM, whereas every other but Friday PM to Monday AM would be good to

We have DSD every other weekend and for longer periods in the hols, which is not even nearly enough IMO.