Could you live with your MIL?

[arabella2]

I ask because my MIL is almost 70, and despite having 6 children, lives alone. This is a recent development because until now she lived with her second son, though he hasn't officially moved out however, he spends a lot of the week at his girlfriend's and so she might go a lot of the week without seeing him. She lives in the same town as 3 of her children: the aforementioned son, and 2 of her daughters. One of these daughters comes to see her once a week but the other seems to ignore her existence unless there is a family gathering (roughly every 4 to 5 weeks). Of her 3 other kids - her youngest daughter lives abroad and has asked her if she wants to live with her but she doesn't (though she gets on with her very well, and this daughter visits several times a year, for several weeks, with both her kids and her dp), presumably because of moving so far away. Her other two sons (of which one is my dh) live in other towns in the UK.
It seems ridiculous that she should be spending so much time alone when I (for example) am at home all the time with one of her grandchildren. I feel that it would be my duty to ask her if she wants to come and live with us - she is my dh's mother etc... She is not extremely mobile (though not disabled) and she is also in need of company. I have also been wondering today whether somebody phones her every day, because if son number 2 doesn't go home for several days, how would anyone know if anything had happened to her eg: she had had a stroke or something like that.
Okay, you might ask, just ask her to come and live with you... Herein lies the problem, I would have to make a very big adjustment. I like lots of things about her and am okay with her for about 3 or 4 days in a row. If tired however, she can be extremely bossy and I think sometimes rude. I know it is normal to behave differently when in a bad mood, but it is not as if I can talk to her as if she were my family. I would lose a lot of freedom if she were to live here because she would be perforce more involved in ds's care and I don't think I could handle this. Already if she stays with us for longer than about 4 days I start to feel edgy because I get the feeling that she is the head of the family and I am one of the employees (occasionally, if she is bossy with me...). I like being in charge in my own home and do not want to be questioned about things. She does have a much softer side, but my position would undeniably change if she were to move in. She is Indian and the Indian family structure is such that the older mother does in fact have a lot of power.
I wouldn't really want to live with my own mother either, the only difference being that I could be more open with her or have fights with her without her going off in high dudgeon.
Is it selfish not to want to ask? I think it is... Ds would certainly be very happy to have another person around and he likes her and I think would certainly learn to rely on her. Does anybody live with either their parents or their in-laws? I would be interested to hear people's opinions.

[Gobbledigook]

NOOOOOOOOO!! Not if my life depended on it!!!

[suedonim]

Yes, no problem at all. In fact, mil is getting a bit frail, at 85, and I said to dh that it's a pity she won't consider leaving her hometown as we could live side by side comfortably. But my own mother.....not in a month of Sundays.

[zaphod]

Yes, because I think she feels sorry for me because my dh is so like her dh

[Fimbo]

My pil's are bl$$dy fantastic and are more like parents to me than my own m & d.

[SPARKLER1]

Haven't read through rest of thread..'tis long! There is NO WAY I could live with my MIL. She would drive me insane.

[SPARKLER1]

Had to sit in the car with her for a two hour journey before christmas. It was a bloody nightmare.

[Gwenick]

Just read the whole lot - discovered it's an old thread - but I'll comment anyhow.

I wouldn't have my MIL to live with us - but then she did die 6 months before I met her son (my DH). I think really it's decision that has to be talked through carefully with BOTH sides involved so that things like rules can be set down. May sound 'odd' saying rules but I think general things that 'irritate' either party have to be ironed out before making such a huge commitment. If you wanted the MIL to stay OUT of discplining the children that would have to be said at the start, if you wanted your MIL to help out with stuff (if still able) lay that out too.

If you didn't have a granny flat (or space for one) I'd tried and make their 'room' as useful for 'independent' living as possible - TV, kettle, chair/sofa etc etc so that it was 'their' space so they don't always have to come and join you in the family lounge.

I'm in the position at the moment where my dad has now lived to a greater age than both his parents (he's 57 - but his parents both died in their 40's of heart disease). Unfortunately he doens't 'really' seem to have taken this on board properly and is overweight, has a high colestrol and is very inactive............recipe for disaster but he doesn't want to listen. Actually apart from his older sister (who's only a half sister) he's the oldest member of his side of the family!!

Anyhow, my mum's side of the family tend to live to quite old ages (my gran died last year aged 88, and my grandad is still going strong at 92), and all other family members have tended to live at least into their late 70's and 80's.....so I expect my mum to out live my dad. But she's disabled now, and I expect if she is left on her own that she'd move in with us - 'hopefully' that won't be for a few years - until we've moved to somewhere more suitable - but I'd certainly have her hear - despite the amount of care I know she'd need (she has homehelps now and she's only 55)

[Hawaiiangal]

I should have became a member and read everyones answer because now I am in the middle of a family fued due to sending my mil back home due to her lies about me hitting her. My mil was diagnosed with emphizima and lives with an oxygen tank. Doctors say she has to use the tank 24/7 or what happens when my mil doesnt use the oxygen is her sense of reality is lost. Her mind of thinking will be close to a child. This is what caused our problems. My mil kept telling my husband I dont love her, I hate her, I'm talking about her. Last she told my husband I hit her. Me and my adult son was standing in the darknest of the kitchen watching her hit her own arm. I told my son what is she doing? We later found out her motive. I guess it backfired because I sent her back. I learned the hard way. The answer is NO, do not let your mother in law live with you until you are sure no problems will occur.