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Relationships

DH has told me to move out AGAIN

34 replies

Bonkerz · 17/04/2005 09:55

OK, just wondering what you would all do.

Dh and i had a stupid row today because i watched TV down satirs till midnight last night and he HAD to come upstairs (his choice!)

Every time we argue he uses the same old lines but they are now starting to get to me. He always says that he pays the bills and mortgage so therefore he should be able to watch what he wants, the argument always ends up with him saying that if i dont like it i should leave!

The house is his and has been for 9 years so he has a lot of history here and the mortgage is in his name. I have requested my name go on it a few times but get told that i will have to pay half the mortgage which i cant afford to do.

Im getting fed up of made to feel like im a guest in his home and terrified that if we do ever split up that i will be made homeless with my ds.

What should i do? I do work full time but earn half as much as he does. He has always paid the mortgage and most of the bills. I pay water bill, buy the clothes for ds and dsd and also pay for all the food we eat so feel i pay my share. I also pay three quarters towards a loan we have and i pay for the upkeep of one of our cars.

Its not as if we are skint either, we have a comfortable life.

Im just sick and tired of feeling so damn insecure about things.

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AnnieQ · 17/04/2005 17:58

LGJ: she's the lady that sells the hand made jewellery on the Small Businesses section. It's a pity she couldn't come up with something a little more sensitive and constructive, but I suppose if she hasn't been around much she hasn't seen many of bonkerz threads.

Bonkerz, so glad that you've managed to at least get him to accept that he was wrong and that you need to talk. It sounds as if both of you are feeling a bit insecure and talking should help.

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PuffTheMagicDragon · 17/04/2005 17:59

Glad he's apologised and you're going to talk things through tonight Bonkerz .

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nikkisherri · 17/04/2005 18:33

Look yes firstly I am the lady that makes handmade jewellery.

That does not effect me being open and honest.

I wrote the thread it was not meant to be vicious I didnt have much time on my hands to respond properly when I wrote it

I just feel angry at men like this and women also that put up with it.

Sometimes a shake is what is needed and I should know I was with a man years ago that was a complete bully to me and my friends and attacked one of my friends cars smashing it to bits when she was trying to protect me. He was a nightmare to get rid of ending in police call outs , injunction etc. to get him to stay away which still didnt seem to do the trick!

It took strength to walk away and strength to face upto the reality of the sitution despite myself constantly making exuses for his behaviour well I finally did wake up one day and got myself out of there.

And all I can say is glad I did as I went on to meet my husband who wouldn't dream of treating me badly.

All I am trying to say is that life what you choose to make it and hanging around with a man that blackmails you with your home down to the point of him saying he will watch what he wants on T.V. because he pays the bills ..well.....wake up call I think.

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Bonkerz · 17/04/2005 20:24

well thanks NS but my husband has never physically hurt me and his only problem is that he is immature and knows what my weaknesses are so plays on them when we argue. As someone else has said, if you had been on here a little longer and seen some of my threads you will know that dh and i dont normally argue and generally have a great marriage. Your comment really upset me mainly because it was a uninformed opinion by yourself of my DH. Your comment was not helpful in the slightest. Obviously from what you have said you did the right thing by walking away from your relationship BUT thats not always the answer. Our situations are completely different im afraid.

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aloha · 17/04/2005 20:56

Glad he has apologised. It does sound as if he has 'issues' about his previous relationship breakdown and unfortunately takes those out on you when he is stressed/upset/angry. Does it help to know he is wrong and he can't just chuck you out?

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nikkisherri · 17/04/2005 21:28

Well Bonkerz you are missing the point, your situation may not be identical but I was pointing out that its about not letting someone push you around in any shape or form and that includes mentally like.. threatening your HOME which is your security and your childrens.

I am tough when it comes to being shoved around by men or anybody because of my own experience and because I have seen my sisters in the past get hurt and helped them pick up them pieces before.

My husband now is lovely we have been together a long time 15 years and he adores me still and quite alot of friends are envious of that and say how lucky I am but I think I made that luck and it has much to do with the fact that I don't take c*ap.

Thats all I was ever trying to say here.

Turn the tables and show that you are no push over.

well anyway you made up now so good luck.

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emeraldefmach · 18/04/2005 08:30

Bonkerz, another big factor to consider is his recent diagnosis of diabetes. He may be feeling really angry that he has got this condition and this in itself, could cause a lot of resentment and bad feelings in the house. It's will be a huge adjustment for you all. Maybe this has escalated things for you.

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HappyDaddy · 18/04/2005 09:13

He's being totally unreasonable, whatever his reasons.
As you are married with children he can't just kick you out. If you divorce he will be made to either give you the house or sell it to give you money for somewhere to live.
If he says otherwise he's lying and just trying to control you.

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expatinscotland · 18/04/2005 09:39

I agree w/nikkisherri's point about this person being emotionally abusive. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. And yeah, he wasn't like that most of the time. I wouldn't have stayed w/him so long had he been. It was during arguments that he was, however. And yes, I defended him to others. Then, after he dumped me, I realised they were right and I was wrong.

B/c there is no excuse for someone blackmailing you w/life on the streets and making you feel like hired help instead of a wife. It's controlling and abusive behaviour. Nor does having been shafted in the past give a person an excuse to be act that way. I have been royally screwed over in relationships. Who hasn't? That's not my husband's fault and I'd NEVER take my insecurities out on him. I'd go see a counsellor first.

Hun, I hope you don't take offense, but after going to the CAB to find out what your rights are, please contact Relate and go yourself if need be. Counselling works wonders. I realised that people like this do what they do in cycles -be it striking their partner or belittling her/him or threatening to throw them out. They're not like that all the time. They lash out, then apologise or calm down. But they need counselling to learn how to manage their anger in other, more constructive ways.