DH has told me to move out AGAIN

[Bonkerz]

OK, just wondering what you would all do.

Dh and i had a stupid row today because i watched TV down satirs till midnight last night and he HAD to come upstairs (his choice!)

Every time we argue he uses the same old lines but they are now starting to get to me. He always says that he pays the bills and mortgage so therefore he should be able to watch what he wants, the argument always ends up with him saying that if i dont like it i should leave!

The house is his and has been for 9 years so he has a lot of history here and the mortgage is in his name. I have requested my name go on it a few times but get told that i will have to pay half the mortgage which i cant afford to do.

Im getting fed up of made to feel like im a guest in his home and terrified that if we do ever split up that i will be made homeless with my ds.

What should i do? I do work full time but earn half as much as he does. He has always paid the mortgage and most of the bills. I pay water bill, buy the clothes for ds and dsd and also pay for all the food we eat so feel i pay my share. I also pay three quarters towards a loan we have and i pay for the upkeep of one of our cars.

Its not as if we are skint either, we have a comfortable life.

Im just sick and tired of feeling so damn insecure about things.

[expatinscotland]

I agree w/nikkisherri's point about this person being emotionally abusive. I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. And yeah, he wasn't like that most of the time. I wouldn't have stayed w/him so long had he been. It was during arguments that he was, however. And yes, I defended him to others. Then, after he dumped me, I realised they were right and I was wrong.

B/c there is no excuse for someone blackmailing you w/life on the streets and making you feel like hired help instead of a wife. It's controlling and abusive behaviour. Nor does having been shafted in the past give a person an excuse to be act that way. I have been royally screwed over in relationships. Who hasn't? That's not my husband's fault and I'd NEVER take my insecurities out on him. I'd go see a counsellor first.

Hun, I hope you don't take offense, but after going to the CAB to find out what your rights are, please contact Relate and go yourself if need be. Counselling works wonders. I realised that people like this do what they do in cycles -be it striking their partner or belittling her/him or threatening to throw them out. They're not like that all the time. They lash out, then apologise or calm down. But they need counselling to learn how to manage their anger in other, more constructive ways.

[HappyDaddy]

He's being totally unreasonable, whatever his reasons.
As you are married with children he can't just kick you out. If you divorce he will be made to either give you the house or sell it to give you money for somewhere to live.
If he says otherwise he's lying and just trying to control you.

[emeraldefmach]

Bonkerz, another big factor to consider is his recent diagnosis of diabetes. He may be feeling really angry that he has got this condition and this in itself, could cause a lot of resentment and bad feelings in the house. It's will be a huge adjustment for you all. Maybe this has escalated things for you.

[nikkisherri]

Well Bonkerz you are missing the point, your situation may not be identical but I was pointing out that its about not letting someone push you around in any shape or form and that includes mentally like.. threatening your HOME which is your security and your childrens.

I am tough when it comes to being shoved around by men or anybody because of my own experience and because I have seen my sisters in the past get hurt and helped them pick up them pieces before.

My husband now is lovely we have been together a long time 15 years and he adores me still and quite alot of friends are envious of that and say how lucky I am but I think I made that luck and it has much to do with the fact that I don't take c*ap.

Thats all I was ever trying to say here.

Turn the tables and show that you are no push over.

well anyway you made up now so good luck.

[aloha]

Glad he has apologised. It does sound as if he has 'issues' about his previous relationship breakdown and unfortunately takes those out on you when he is stressed/upset/angry. Does it help to know he is wrong and he can't just chuck you out?

[Bonkerz]

well thanks NS but my husband has never physically hurt me and his only problem is that he is immature and knows what my weaknesses are so plays on them when we argue. As someone else has said, if you had been on here a little longer and seen some of my threads you will know that dh and i dont normally argue and generally have a great marriage. Your comment really upset me mainly because it was a uninformed opinion by yourself of my DH. Your comment was not helpful in the slightest. Obviously from what you have said you did the right thing by walking away from your relationship BUT thats not always the answer. Our situations are completely different im afraid.

[nikkisherri]

Look yes firstly I am the lady that makes handmade jewellery.

That does not effect me being open and honest.

I wrote the thread it was not meant to be vicious I didnt have much time on my hands to respond properly when I wrote it

I just feel angry at men like this and women also that put up with it.

Sometimes a shake is what is needed and I should know I was with a man years ago that was a complete bully to me and my friends and attacked one of my friends cars smashing it to bits when she was trying to protect me. He was a nightmare to get rid of ending in police call outs , injunction etc. to get him to stay away which still didnt seem to do the trick!

It took strength to walk away and strength to face upto the reality of the sitution despite myself constantly making exuses for his behaviour well I finally did wake up one day and got myself out of there.

And all I can say is glad I did as I went on to meet my husband who wouldn't dream of treating me badly.

All I am trying to say is that life what you choose to make it and hanging around with a man that blackmails you with your home down to the point of him saying he will watch what he wants on T.V. because he pays the bills ..well.....wake up call I think.

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

Glad he's apologised and you're going to talk things through tonight Bonkerz .

[AnnieQ]

LGJ: she's the lady that sells the hand made jewellery on the Small Businesses section. It's a pity she couldn't come up with something a little more sensitive and constructive, but I suppose if she hasn't been around much she hasn't seen many of bonkerz threads.

Bonkerz, so glad that you've managed to at least get him to accept that he was wrong and that you need to talk. It sounds as if both of you are feeling a bit insecure and talking should help.

[LGJ]

nikkisherri


Who is she ??

[Bonkerz]

aloha: to answer your question, no hes not divorced but he did live with someone and she shafted him big style when she left mainly by taking his daughter without a word and using that to get ridiculous amounts of money! He has been hurt so has issues (as do i) i suppose we just need to learn to talk!

[Bonkerz]

Thankyou for all your advice.

I was really upset this morning and my post sounded (when read back) really bad. My Dh and i have a good marriage all in all. We have had a tough 2 years with 2 miscarriages and diagnoses of insulin dependant diabetes in my dh to contend with and it has taken its toll alittle bit. I love my DH so what nikkisherri said is not the least bit helpful BUT i do agree that i need to be a bit tougher and wiser and find out what my rights are with regards house etc. What upsets me is that every time we have a row dh ends up threatening this.

DH actually came back at 11.30 and apologised(hed taken ds to swimming lesson), he said he didnt mean what he had said and that he didnt want to lose me. I had a big cry and told him he was an immature arse and that he had to stop saying those things to me as it just makes my insecurity worse. He has agreed that tonight when the kids are in bed we will sit down and work out what we are going to help this whole situation. As i said DH and i do have a good relationship but i do feel that he undermines the work i do just because im home all day with children and dont earn as much as him.

Thanks again for all the advice.

[aloha]

BTW, the law is different for cohabitees, hence the fact that before you could be asked to leave. That is NOT the case once you are married. I see you have a stepdaughter - does this mean he was divorced? Did he lose out in the settlement (in his view at least)? If so, that might explain his attitude to money and marriage. In which case counselling really might help.

[aloha]

Bonkerz, next time he tries this line, say 'actually, legally, I could file for divorce and YOU would have to leave and I would stay here with the kids, so think about that before you start shouting at me" - that would shock him. It's correct too. When you are legally married it doesn't matter WHO pays the mortgage or whose name the house is in. Matrimonial property belongs to the relationship, not the individual and in the case of a divorce, where there are children, women will often get to stay in the home, or if there is a LOT of equity and you could both buy a home from the proceeds it can be sold and the proceeds divided - but you would get the vast majority of the cash, because you would be looking after the kids.
Don't let him intimidate you. Do you think your relationship would benefit from Relate counselling? He certainly seems to have some issues around money that would certainly make me think about leaving him.

[tribpot]

I agree, getting a clear handle on your legal rights will help you feel more confident in dealing with him, but that is hardly the basis for a marriage, as you appreciate! Do you think dh is actually wanting to split up and so is using spurious and immature arguments to try and force you into leaving? Or is just a very selfish person who needs - finally - to learn something about sharing and commitment?

Either way, I think step 1 is get some basic legal advice from the CAB but step 2 had to be to talk to dh about what's causing this unreasonable attitude, whether just the two of you or with a counsellor.

[Freckle]

Marriage doesn't automatically confer equal rights to everything, but it does give a married woman (or man) greater rights than a co-habitee. Even if the house is in his name and he pays the mortgage, you will have matrimonial rights - and this can even extend (in the event of a divorce) in the house being transferred to you to house you and any children. This won't happen in every case as each is decided on its merits (what needs each of you has and what resources there are there to meet those needs).

Anyway, he is clearly using your ignorance (and his come to that) of the legal position to undermine you and make you feel insecure in order to get his own way - bit of a bully, it would seem.

Have you considered counselling as your relationship doesn't sound as though it is particularly equal?

[snafu]

lol, that should of course read 'Bonkerz', not bonjerz, sorry!

[nikkisherri]

well telling it like it is.

[snafu]

'Sorry but get a grip'?? - helpful, nikkisherri, very helpful.

Bonjerz, as others have said, he can't chuck you out. That house is as much yours as his, whether you pay a penny towards it or not. In fact, if it came to the crunch it would probably be him that had to go since you are, I assume, primary carer?

This is about power and control. It's very underhand and immature and you don't have to put up with it. As others have said, why not go and see a solicitor/CAB and at least enquire about your rights, then you won't have to feel so horribly insecure when he starts throwing these pathetic threats around. Loads of luck xx

[nikkisherri]

sorry but get a grip tell this loser to sling his hook

[PuffTheMagicDragon]

My understanding is that if you are married, assets like the house belong to you equally - I don't think he can pull stunts like this. Go and see the CAB or, a friend of mine recently went (secretly) to see a solicitor to check her rights as she and her dh were having a really bad time of it. She got half an hour/an hour's advice free which really put her mind at rest.

His behaviour towards you in this respect is awful Bonkerz. If it were me, I would gather all my facts and then present them to him calmly and clearly, together with your expectation to be treated like the equal partner that you are.

Sorry if this sounds strong, but to my mind, he's dishing out a form of mental/emotional abuse.

[Blackduck]

Don't know the legal stuff here, but have a friend whose marriage broke down - she isn't on the mortgage either, but he moved out and they are now negotiating the settlement. Think if you are married you do have a claim even if your name isn't on the deeds.....BTW his attitude stinks....I'm not married, I pay the mortgage, but there is no way I'd tell dp he has no rights to it....
I'd be sick of it in your situation too... and would probably be inclined to tell him if he doesn't like HE leaves...

[alux]

Bonkerz, dh also earns twice what I do. Like you, he had bought our first home long before he met me. Never has he used this as a powerplay over me. We never put the mortgage in both names b/c it would cost £500 at the time and made not a piece of difference in the event of a divorce. Our first is only just on the way after 7 yrs of marriage.

Sweetie, you are being emotionally abused. Your children do not have to see it and live with this either.

What anorak and www have said is true. Even if you were not married, the longevity of the relationship and the presence of children means that you have equal claim on the house irregardless of whose name the mortgage is in or whose bank acct the payments come from.

You are living with a man showing the emotional maturity of a stroppy 3 yr old. If it is not the house, it will be something else. Can you imagine being 60 yrs old and him still treating you like this?

Same advice, definitely see a counsellor or a solicitor or both.

[Whizzz]

Here you go Bonkerz legal stuff . Note the bit about the law being about to change though.
I'm no expert - just did a quick Google for you - seems to be a lot of advice out there.
Best of luck

[AnnieQ]

Go to CAB and check out your rights. He can't just kick you out, you're married so you have rights over the property.