Dp totally obstructive about frugal wedding talk

[violentviolet]

We are constantly skint and everything we do (or, usually, don't do) is dictated by this absolute lack of money. We have one dc together, and we have been together a few years. We've talked about getting married but only as a functional thing rather than a romantic notion.

I am fat and unattractive, my parents are dead, and I barely have any friends. So for me, the wedding would be a quiet trip to the registry office in smart clothes, followed by a family party at his family's house (they live a long way away)

But everytime I say that, he says he's not happy with it, he wants his family there at the service. I've tried explaining that as soon as you start involving other people, the costs rise. Suddenly you have to arrange places for them to stay, you have to wear proper wedding clothes, arrange someone to take photos, sort out flowers, hire cars - and then the issue of bridesmaids, not to mention feeding them all and finding reception venues etc (up to 10 people might come on my side, at least 40 on his)

So once again we've had a big row over it and it has been shelved, again. We have this row a few times a year, with him saying he doesn't like my idea, but not offering any solutions or input of his own. And the years go by with no plans being made.

He knows we will NEVER have the money to "do it properly" so I'm starting to think he just says that as a stalling tactic. Oh, I'm fed up. All I want is to have the same name as my son, and before the next dc arrives.

[BEAUTlFUL]

Go on a diet and have a makeover (free -- get cosmetics counters to give you make-up tips, and grow your hair long then have it cut/restyled at a trainee night at a hairdresser's). Really. Not only will you feel better, it will give your DP the kick up the arse he needs to start treating you nicely.

[jasper]

mamhaf, wise words

[mamhaf]

I don't mean to be rude violentviolet, but is there anything more you could do to earn extra cash? Not just for a wedding, but generally.

You sound unhappy e.g "fat and unattractive" and it's not surprising if you're broke all the time.

If you're not already working and have to stay at home for childcare, what about offering an ironing service or something?

Sorry if I sound patronising, am trying to help. Hope you sort it out between you anyway.

[MrsMattie]

I can understand him wanting his family there (he is talking close family, though, right? not every single aunt, cousin etc)

We had our parents and siblings at our registry office wedding. Quite a few relatives and friends were unhappy we didn't invite them, but we explained as best as we could that we really only wanted the simplest of weddings. Made slightly easier by the fact that we both have large extended families, so we really couldnt have had a small reg office wedding and invited them all.

We kept it very simple and frugal. I got a dress in the sale from Monsoon. DH had his favourite blue Armani work suit copied by a cheap tailor in black . I got a small bouquet from my local florist, and a friend did my hair and make up.

Went for a meal afterwards and had a glass of bubbly in the pub over the road.

Having a few people there doesn't mean you have to push the boat out.

And don't say that about yourself - that you're fat and unattractive . I'm sure you will make a beautiful bride and your DH will be more in love with you than ever

[jasper]

violet I think you are being 100% reasonable.

I completely agree with the sort of wedding you would want ( ie none) and the lack of money makes it a no brainer as far as I can see.

[gigglinggoblin]

We had 8 other people our wedding. Very immediate family only, I have 1 brother, dh has none, if we had more than 1 sibling each it would have just been parents and witnesses. I know I offended some people but tough!

Getting married is a good idea, it saves all sorts of hassles in the future and for that reason I would recommend it. I dreaded my wedding day, like you I hate being the centre of attention and I dont look the way I want. We booked it and then told our parents, mil is v laid back so I knew she wouldnt be a problem, I told my mum if she wanted a party she could arrange it. She did, everyone enjoyed it and I left after an hour!

If you can get your dp to narrow down who he wants to invite there has got to be a way to do it without all the fuss. Invite pils up for an anniversary or birthday or something they would come up for anyway and then spring it on them. Alternatively tell dp if his mum is a nightmare he is dealing with her. Then he gets his family there and you dont have the hassle. If there are only a few people there its not that bad, the ceremony is quite quick if you want it to be.

[vezzie]

Violentviolet, you say you are fat and unattractive.
a. I don't believe you!
b. you don't have to be gorgeous to deserve and enjoy a lovely celebration with your DP.

There are lots of ways to position a wedding that won't make it look like you are some ego-crazed bridezilla who thinks she is the most beautiful princess in the world for the day (puke) - lots of good suggestions on here in that vein.

Ask DP what he really honestly wants, and how, and then take it from there. If you start by saying, "we can't have this, we can't afford that" he will just hear negative stuff that sounds like "I want to get married without your family around". Instead try having a conversation like: if these things are very important to you, how do you suggest we manage them? If the answers involve things you are not happy with like debt, waiting a decade, etc, then explain why and tweak the suggestions down to something you can be happy with.

I think people should be happy to put themselves up and contribute booze or whatever to a celebration, because your guests are an elite handpicked punch of people who really love you and DP. It is not that you have few friends: it is that you have a small number of very sincere and important relationships who would be thrilled to be part of this event.

[cory]

Not everybody who has a family wedding has to do it meringue style. You could rent the church hall and do as Chick suggests: make everybody bring something.
My friends had an absolutely beautiful renewing-of-vows ceremony in the local church/church hall, and people did club together and bring things and it was great.

In your case, I would try to get your dp to focus on what is the essential for him (having his family there, presumably) and make him see that this does not depend on any expensive arrangements. You can have family without flowers.

[EightiesChick]

A couple of practical-focused suggestions...

The easiest way to stop his family from taking over might be to not tell them you are getting married till the last possible moment. Could you agree on a compromise arrangement, along the lines people have suggested, for a small wedding ceremony, and then either a) only tell them the week before so they still get to attend, but have minimum time to whinge or interfere, or even b) tell them something else (kids' party? naming ceremony for kids?) that they will dress up reasonably nicely for, and only let on that it's your wedding when they get there on the day?

As others have said, it doesn't have to become a big frilly expensive affair. The suggestions about booking a restaurant and getting everyone to pay for themselves etc are good, but also, how about asking friends to contribute something as your wedding present? e.g. get a friend who can bake to do a cake, another to buy you a few bottles of wine to toast with, another who has a nice big house/garden to lend it to you for bringing people back to afterwards.

I do agree that you and your partner need to think more clearly about what you want, and whether both of you aren't 'stalling' in some way because you are afraid of getting married, but if you decide you want to be together and both want to do this, it would be a shame to think that practical obstacles can't be overcome. I'm sure they can.

[ChoChoSan]

Also, you don't sound very happy with yourself and your relationship.

Why not forget about the wedding - your kids' surname is unlikely to add to your happiness.

Instead why don't the two of you sit down and talk about what you want out of life as inidividuals and together, then make changes to make your selves happier...be it things to improve your attitude to your appearance, lifestyle etc.

Good luck, whatever the outcome!

[ChoChoSan]

Why don't you both sit down together and set a budget. Do this by figuring out where the money is going to come from (either saving up or a loan), and how long you are willing to have money coming out of your monthly income to either save or pay off the loan, and how much you can afford each month.

Work backwards from what you can afford to how much you need to spend, rather than budgeting a wedding, then trying to pay for it.

When you have done this, then tell him to do some research to see which elements he can afford.

By the way, my partner is a complete pita for refusing to go along with something I plan or decide, but then failing to come up with an alternative. I have now started saying that if he does not present a useful alternative, I will continue to make plans. If I had not started doing this, we would not have gone on holiday/decorated the house etc. many times over.

It might be a stalling tactic that he is using, but he will have to face reality if you say, 'right, in the absence of input, I am going to make a start on the arrangements!

[EmmaBridgewater956]

Do you have a garden? Could you literally do tea in garden and tell everyone to bring a cake or bottle bubbly?

[EmmaBridgewater956]

Am in a very similar situation. Have an aunt and a father I havent spoken to for ten years. My mother died recently and I worry from a slefish point of view that I am just going to feela gaping hole that these people SHOULD be there and are not. DP has an enormous family and is insistent they will all be there.

Have not come to a solution yet and we have had the conversation a million times - he seems to think that one day a solution will just appear.

[KristinaM]

are you serious that all you want is to use his name? if so, just do it by deed poll

and use some of the rest of your £100 to make sure you have wills and all the legal/financial things are in place to care for your child/ren if anything should happen to one/ both of you

sorry to be so unromantic

[Gorionine]

Dh and I had a very quiet wedding 11 of us! It was lovely, and if we decided for somwe reason to marry aother tine, we would do it exactly the same!

[beanieb]

"Yes, I don't want people there, really. I absolutely hate being the centre of attention"

just seen this and OH my - I am so with you on tis one. I would so much prefer a quiet ceremony on our own but I have agreed a compromise. He will have something like 30 people in the register office, I will have 10. I have a small family and only a few close friends so I am sure we will be top-heavy with his friends and family.

I am dreading being looked at but have decided to just go with it. Am not having bridesmaids though, nor an official photographer and my mum is making my dress.

[violentviolet]

Thanks all for the advice.

[beanieb]

Hey there. sounds llike you are just like me in your wants for your wedding.

could you tell him that it's fine for some of his family to attend the register office ceremony but that the spaces will be limited (they will be) and so only certain people can come. Also could you make it clear that there will be no reception, no food, no booking of hotels etc and that if they want to come then they will have to pay their own costs?

Also - you don't have to have bridesmaids so just don't have them.

I think there's compromise to be made where people attending is concerned but this doesn't mean you have to foot the bill for a costly after party you can't afford.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Speak to your dp and see if there is a compromise.

What is the absolute minimum he would be willing to do ? Would he do a registry office with immediate family (say maybe 10-20 people) and all just go for a meal in a restaurant after (with everyone paying for themselves) or a BBQ in your back garden with people bringing a bottle.

If he really wants the "big day" and you know there is no way it will happen in the next 10+ years because of financial restrictions, then he needs to understand that you are not happy to wait this long to be married to him

We did have similar discussions before we got married. I would have gone to a registry office and grabbed a couple of witnesses. DH was insistent his mum was there. I then felt I couldn't not invite my parents if his were there and then it just spirals into a "weddingy wedding"

There has to be a compromise

[MorrisZapp]

Great post cat. All the best weddings I've attended have been cheap/ cheerful and not expensive.

When my dad married my step mum we went to a local resturant afterwards and each adult paid for themselves - this is how people prefer it!

Nobody really wants a bland, lukewarm chicken dinner at the expense of bankrupting their friends.

Honestly. People will prefer a low-pressure wedding. (Read India Knight on the subject in her Thrift book!)

[MorrisZapp]

I know I'll get flamed but... if you are so skint that you have to hunt down behind the sofa etc for change, why are you planning more DC?

Sorry if that sounds cruel, I am genuinely interested in how you would manage it.

[Dropdeadfred]

why do you WANT to get married????

[violentviolet]

Yes I suppose I am a bit defeatist, it's just that we've had the conversation so many times and yet nothing is decided, and it just turns into a bitter row.

He hasn't even properly asked me to marry him, there is no ring, it's just been a depressing conversation about money and guestlists so far. Dp is happy to carry on with how we are, he never makes any decisions or plan for the future in any way so it's all down to me, and then he sits on his arse and says "no" but doesn't suggest any ideas of his own. That's why I'm so frustrated.

[flowerybeanbag]

You are sounding a teeny bit defeatist tbh. Of course it will happen if you both want it to. You just have to both compromise on the various issues, set a realistic budget and ignore MIL.

Would actually booking the registry office date in give you 'the fear' and make sure you get all the other stuff sorted and compromised on?