Dp totally obstructive about frugal wedding talk

[violentviolet]

We are constantly skint and everything we do (or, usually, don't do) is dictated by this absolute lack of money. We have one dc together, and we have been together a few years. We've talked about getting married but only as a functional thing rather than a romantic notion.

I am fat and unattractive, my parents are dead, and I barely have any friends. So for me, the wedding would be a quiet trip to the registry office in smart clothes, followed by a family party at his family's house (they live a long way away)

But everytime I say that, he says he's not happy with it, he wants his family there at the service. I've tried explaining that as soon as you start involving other people, the costs rise. Suddenly you have to arrange places for them to stay, you have to wear proper wedding clothes, arrange someone to take photos, sort out flowers, hire cars - and then the issue of bridesmaids, not to mention feeding them all and finding reception venues etc (up to 10 people might come on my side, at least 40 on his)

So once again we've had a big row over it and it has been shelved, again. We have this row a few times a year, with him saying he doesn't like my idea, but not offering any solutions or input of his own. And the years go by with no plans being made.

He knows we will NEVER have the money to "do it properly" so I'm starting to think he just says that as a stalling tactic. Oh, I'm fed up. All I want is to have the same name as my son, and before the next dc arrives.

[flowerybeanbag]

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want his family at the service tbh.

Are you sure this is a money issue? 50 people coming doesn't mean you have to wear a meringue, or have flowers, or have hire cars, or bridesmaids, or professional photos, or find them places to stay. You don't have to do any of that just because a few more people are coming.

You could have a trip to the registry office in your smart clothes as you want, then you could have a very cheap bash in the village hall, with cheap buffet and get everyone to bring some drink, cheap and cheerful.

Is it more that you just don't want people there, rather than it will cost too much if they do come?

[violentviolet]

Yes, I don't want people there, really. I absolutely hate being the centre of attention, plus it won't feel right without my mum there anyway, plus I'd have an embarassingly small number of people there, and my best friend's boyfriend (who I would have to invite) is my ex who broke my heart.

Plus dp's family haven't really met my family, and dp's family are really pushy on how things should be done so once again everything would be about them, not us. His mother would start dictating on where we should get married and have the reception (in her village church and her house, at great expense to MY family and friends, who would have to find accommodation, no doubt)

I don't want any of that.

[kingprawntikka]

To be fair it is your DP's wedding too and he should have an equal say into how he wants it to be. I had a very small wedding with just twenty guests, we had a meal afterwards and a photographer , we did not hire fancy cars, lay on a band etc. You do not have to have all 40 people from his side , it may be just some of them are those he really wants at the service . Only people you chose to invite will be at the service and it is up to them to sort out accommodation etc.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Would he consider nipping to the register office now and then planning a blessing/party to celebrate, say, in a couple of year's time. You could combine it with a naming ceremony for dc's or something

You get to benefit from the practicalities now and he gets to have a celebration with friends/family in due course

[AccioPinotGrigio]

You can do a smart clothes at the registry office ceremony AND have 50 people there with you. YOu can then all head to nearest pub and have a drink up, a buffet and a boogie. It needn't cost the earth and people can make their own over night arrangements.

With the utmost respect, I think this has more to do with a fear of being the focus of attention than money. Are you worried that you will be judged by your guests?

I also think it would be very sad and unreasonable of you to ban his family from your wedding. I would be heartbroken if my dh had demanded that of me.

[AccioPinotGrigio]

X-posts sorry. So it is about being judged and found wanting and also about domineering MIL taking control.

[DorisIsAPinkDragon]

Maybe ask him realistically exactly who HE (not his mother) would like to be there. Agree it and stick to it.

Tbh although I can see where you are coming from with regard to centre of attention I can also see his side, why should his parents miss out on something he obviously wants to share with them. And obviously does feel it's something special!

With regard to your friend make it family only ( so what if you have less v few families are actually equal in size) and with the registry office most people would sit whereever so it's not really obvius ike a formal church do. Maybe invite her to the pub/ drinks afterwards.

You do not have to sort out accomdation or anything that is for the guests you send an invite to whatever you want to do and it's up to them to do the rest.

[Dropdeadfred]

Have closest family there only as a compromise. Go for a meal afterwards if you want and tell everyone they will be paying for themselves if they wish to come.

by the way you an change your name by dded poll if having the same name as your son is the most important thing.

what would your dp say if you named the next dc with YOUR surname?

[AccioPinotGrigio]

I think what Doris suggests is very sensible - don't involve your MIL in the planning, your wedding your rules. You and your dp need to reach a compromise otherwise you will never do it.

[rubyredfort]

I think you need to agree to having his immidiate family there.
Then have champers and canapes.

then piss off home.

Otherwise I agree its a stalling tactic.

[violentviolet]

Oh, I'm not banning his family - I'm not cruel, if money were no issue then they'd be there (although I wouldn't enjoy being the focus of attention, still) I wasn't going to invite my family or friends either. I just wanted it to be about me and him, instead of being a free piss up for everyone we know.

Money is so tight that we could literally afford the £100 for the actual registry wedding and notices etc, but no more. We can't afford to do a buffet, and if we invited his family (who also have no money) they would all expect to stay at our house for a few days. I know they would because they all insisted on staying over the first night we came home from hospital with newborn ds.

His mother is a bragger, she harps on about weddings she was ivited to years ago as if she was invited to attend the baftas. She won't be happy unless it's in a church, with her granddaughters as my bridesmaids, and me looking like a big fat polished turd wrapped in very expensive toilet roll.

[flowerybeanbag]

Well if she won't be happy unless it's a big expensive church do, she ought to pay for it then! Surely she understand that you don't have the cash for that sort of extravaganza?

I'm not seriously suggesting you do what she wants even if she wants to pay for it btw, good lord no!

[ThumbBurns]

VV< is it more about the name than the marriage itself? COs if so, you could just change your name by deedpoll to his.

I knew people some years ago who got married when their DS was 10 - I had always thought they were married already as they all had the same surname, but no! She had changed her name by deedpoll.

[Paperchase]

It is his wedding too.
Can't you put up with it, just for one day?

Of course, as he knows best how to arrange the thing, he should do the bulk of the organising. All the phone calls. Finding dresses for bridesmaids. Getting the cake. Sorting out the food and reception venue.

It is especially important that he does all of this within an agreed budget. Perhaps holding the purse strings could be your job. Feel free to invite contributions from family members who feel that it's not done properly without involving the Archbishop of Canterbury and inviting the farking Queen.

You will not look like a polished turd in loo roll (but lol at the phrase). you will look fabulous.

[violentviolet]

Yeah it probably is more about the name than the marriage itself, but it's also depressing that other people are getting married and they have this big long list of wants, when mine is really very small and practical and it's still too much. This is never going to happen, is it.

[violentviolet]

Paperchase, we have no money for any of those things. We have NO money. At the end of some months I'm emptying pockets and drawers for change, and it's been this way for years, we get by but have no savings, and we can't lend any money at all. This is why I mean we can only afford a regster wedding, and why I'm so frustrated at him insisting it's not good enough for him. Why can't he be practical?

[flowerybeanbag]

You are sounding a teeny bit defeatist tbh. Of course it will happen if you both want it to. You just have to both compromise on the various issues, set a realistic budget and ignore MIL.

Would actually booking the registry office date in give you 'the fear' and make sure you get all the other stuff sorted and compromised on?

[violentviolet]

Yes I suppose I am a bit defeatist, it's just that we've had the conversation so many times and yet nothing is decided, and it just turns into a bitter row.

He hasn't even properly asked me to marry him, there is no ring, it's just been a depressing conversation about money and guestlists so far. Dp is happy to carry on with how we are, he never makes any decisions or plan for the future in any way so it's all down to me, and then he sits on his arse and says "no" but doesn't suggest any ideas of his own. That's why I'm so frustrated.

[Dropdeadfred]

why do you WANT to get married????

[MorrisZapp]

I know I'll get flamed but... if you are so skint that you have to hunt down behind the sofa etc for change, why are you planning more DC?

Sorry if that sounds cruel, I am genuinely interested in how you would manage it.

[MorrisZapp]

Great post cat. All the best weddings I've attended have been cheap/ cheerful and not expensive.

When my dad married my step mum we went to a local resturant afterwards and each adult paid for themselves - this is how people prefer it!

Nobody really wants a bland, lukewarm chicken dinner at the expense of bankrupting their friends.

Honestly. People will prefer a low-pressure wedding. (Read India Knight on the subject in her Thrift book!)

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Speak to your dp and see if there is a compromise.

What is the absolute minimum he would be willing to do ? Would he do a registry office with immediate family (say maybe 10-20 people) and all just go for a meal in a restaurant after (with everyone paying for themselves) or a BBQ in your back garden with people bringing a bottle.

If he really wants the "big day" and you know there is no way it will happen in the next 10+ years because of financial restrictions, then he needs to understand that you are not happy to wait this long to be married to him

We did have similar discussions before we got married. I would have gone to a registry office and grabbed a couple of witnesses. DH was insistent his mum was there. I then felt I couldn't not invite my parents if his were there and then it just spirals into a "weddingy wedding"

There has to be a compromise

[beanieb]

Hey there. sounds llike you are just like me in your wants for your wedding.

could you tell him that it's fine for some of his family to attend the register office ceremony but that the spaces will be limited (they will be) and so only certain people can come. Also could you make it clear that there will be no reception, no food, no booking of hotels etc and that if they want to come then they will have to pay their own costs?

Also - you don't have to have bridesmaids so just don't have them.

I think there's compromise to be made where people attending is concerned but this doesn't mean you have to foot the bill for a costly after party you can't afford.

[violentviolet]

Thanks all for the advice.