Need a reality check on my relationship, please help,....long post... sorry

[HoneyBadger]

I'm new to this forum but think it's brilliant and would dearly like some advice on my own situation. I feel i'm thinking through treacle at the moment!

My DH and I have been married for 15 yrs and have one DS (17) and one DD (9). We have been mainly very happy together, he has a more dominant personality whilst I am pretty easy-going. I think that's how we managed to get along, although I have always been worried because he has been possessive and a bit controlling.

DH took medical retirement in 2000 on the grounds of clincial depression. So I have been the main wage earner for a number of years. DH was very good with the children, although he did virtually nothing around the house, but I didn't mind so all worked reasonably well.

This changed about 2 years ago.
In 2006 there were major problems at my place of work concerning bullying. I (and others) chose to support a number of colleagues putting my job on the line. DH was very critical of my decision, criticising my colleagues and being rude to them and about them. I believe he was jealous of the time and concern I spent on their issues and it saddened me.

He accused me of having an affair with one of them (female) when he discovered she was lesbian - that was total rubbish. He then looked at our computer, accused me of having accessed dating websites. In the meantime, he had convinced me I had a personality disorder of an OCD nature because I am very organised (he is not) complained that I didn't spend enough time with DD, was obsessed with housework and did not give him enough affection.

Luckily GP referred us to a family therapist who was amazing. She helped me to see that DH was over critical of me, putting me down, was judgemental and opinionated. She also made suggestions about areas that I could improve, him helping with the house work etc. For the first time I found the confidence to stand up to him when I didn't agree with his opinions or ideas. Eventually DH blew up at her in one of the sessions saying she was biased in favour of females and refused to go again. He said he'd come to get me sorted out not look at him.

Then DH relationship with DS began to go downhill. DS is a very rebellious teenager and it is not easy parenting him. We have totally different views on this. I believe in creating a safe supportive environment, setting firm boundaries and guiding him but DH takes a more punitive and disciplinarian route. DH says (to me) that DS is a loser and he swears about him and to him,

DH now says I am a control freak because I have refused to go along with his way of thinking, that I undermine him and stop him from being a parent.

About 6 months ago it all got too much, I told DH that I wanted a divorce. Stupidly I did this in the heat of the moment when we were mid-row. DH hit the wall, breaking his hand then proceeded to drive off into the night (over the limit)stop at every service station during the night and buy paracetamol. He then phoned his relatives and me saying he was going to commit suicide. He turned up the next morning very sheepish and spent the whole day railroading me into not leaving - involving DD which I thought was disgraceful (please mummy stay).

I agreed to stay provided he sought help for depression and stopped being possessive. Neither of which he has done.

Now my feelings are that the marriage is over, I have no respect for him anymore and he talks to me and DS like he hates us (swearing). I can't understand why he still says he loves me and wants us to stay together. He is negative all the time, morose and miserable. I am so tense waiting fro the next row. As soon as he goes out the atmosphere changes in the house. There is no joy in our lives anymore.

But I feel intense guilt that I feel this way. I've tried to make this a balanced posting - I am not perfect by any means, i am annoyingly organised and I'm sure I've added to the difficulties by being so passive in the early days of our relationship.

Please help me make sense of what is happening, I'm so sad our relationship is dying and feel really sorry for DH but just want to get out....

[HoneyBadger]

Thanks everyone for moral support. I have posted on legal and finance now to try and obtain some practical advice. How naive I was to think I just had to get my head together!!

[izyboy]

oh Hun I feel for you. Must be so hard to come home to that sort of stuff. Stay strong - you must separate but ultimately I agree it has to be done in stages.

[unhappy]

Hi Honey glad to hear you OK(ish) yes finances are a big problem arent they dont think people realise its not always an option just to walk out the door and wave goodbye - it must be really hard now that you have made up your mind to leave. I hear you about good days/bad days - when we have a period of relative calm I tend to think I am overreacting !! (I can just hear all the other MN's out there ready to tell me thats what he wants me to think). I hope that you find a solution - I tend to think I will be stuck in my situation until the kids are older - my dp does not live with us full time so I do get respite dont think I could cope with the moods full time - thinking of you - good luck - x

[HoneyBadger]

Hello Unhappy - I am still here but have so many questions I didn't know what to post first!!

So I've been making some enquiries of my own first to try and narrow down the problems.

I've seen a solicitor (free half hour) and she has advised not to leave because of the house which we jointly own, but to sit it out. We've had it on the market since March anyway but of course it isn't selling. There is hardly any interest even though we've dropped the price considerably and changed estate agents.

My next quest is to see CAB for some financial advice as I would struggle to pay the whole mortgage and rent my own property. There's no way DH would move out or be able to afford the mortgage on his own or even half of it and I don't want to get in arrears. We're already on interest only and he cannot get housing benefit on a mortgage. I can't afford to buy him out either. So I'm a bit stuck at the moment. I could go to my parents for a couple of months but they couldn't cope with me and DCS for too long. In the meantime we battle on with good days and bad days. I daren't speak to him about leaving yet until I have a plan in place as the consequences will be dire and I will need to have a workable plan so I can get straight out.

Thanks for your thoughts and postings - it really does help!

[unhappy]

Thanks Atilla I hear what you are saying I have ordered this book from my local library - I know what he does and why he does it and like your friend I will not be leaving any time soon - thanks for your advice though

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

unhappy

You have every reason to be unhappy. Your controlling partner uses his house (I reckon as well you're not named on the mortgage and or title deeds) and the everpresent threat (this is an empty threat btw) of taking the children away from you to keep you in line. This is all about power and control. It is not a healthy way to live at all, everyone including your children suffers at his hands.

My friend is still there, still trapped in a loveless controlling relationship. She does not love him or even trust him yet she's still with him. These women become conditioned by these men to accept their abuse. Its very sad and their child is affected too (she does realise this). I can't wait for the day she breaks free of him frankly but it ain't going to happen anytime soon. And the longer it goes on the more damage that is done. I know its not easy at all but you need to break free somehow. It can be done.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft if you haven't already done so.

[unhappy]

Honeybadger where have you gone are you OK did you start another thread - cant find you ?!!

Hope you are OK - I am still plodding on - my dp not too bad at moment so not much to groan about - I am trying to be positive for my dcs sake and stop dwelling so much on "poor me"

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

ISBN-10: 0425191656 (thats the ISBN no for Why does he do that?").

HoneyBadger - your last post outlining your day made me go cold - there is no doubt whatsoever that he is abusive. All of his behaviours you outline ring big alarm bells.

You are NOT responsible for this man and his behaviour ultimately - you are only responsible for the wellbeing of your own self and your children. You have not made him this way; controlling behaaviours often are deeply rooted and start in childhood. You cannot fix him, nor should you attempt to.

I do not say this lightly but you have no other choice but to leave him. He won't make it easy though - controlling men don't let go of their victims easily. You need a definitive plan of escape.

[HoneyBadger]

Thanks Dittany, good plan, I'll order them from the bookshop as I want to pay cash so he doesn't ask what I've bought from Amazon on our joint bank account!

[unhappy]

Wow Honey you have had a week and a half havent you - will look out for your new thread - good luck with your escape plan - big hugs x

[BlackNarcissus]

Oh my Gosh!
I have just seen this. Yes, you must get out. Your instincts were absolutely correct. NONE of this is your fault.

I will look out for your other thread. You'll find lots of advice here xxx

[HoneyBadger]

Oh Unhappy, you may wish you had not asked me that! It's been a rollercoaster week. i've tried to get the book that Attilla the Meercat mentioned (Lundy Bancroft)and another by Patricia Evans but even the big book stores in my city don't stock them. However, the books are reviewed in detail on the internet so that's been useful for the moment and helped me to understand a little about what is going on. At the end of the day whether I label him an abuser or not (and I think it's borderline) it doesn't matter if it's affecting DS and I like this.

At home we have had two days where we got on pretty well, as life with DH is not all bad. And then yesterday was just bizarre.

I put on a new cardigan to go to work (not exactly the most provocative item of clothing!) DH said "you have a new outfit who are you meeting at lunchtime? BTW the outfit looks horrible." I said my friend Melanie (known her for 16 yrs she's nearly 60). He made sarcastic comments as though he thought I was meeting someone else. "Oh meeting her again are you, you saw her last week"

I get to work, phone rings it is DH he has locked himself out of the house and DS has used the spare key hidden in the garden and not put it back. DH says DS is a little bastard and he will kill him when he gets home. I remind him that it is not DS fault he has locked himself out.

DH gets let into the house 2 hours later by MIL but his day is messed up. In addition later on that day he thinks he may have been flashed by a speed camera going 10mph over.

I dread getting home from work and how DH will be with DS. DH is fairly reasonable with DS, as it happens, as both I and MIL has urged caution. I say to DH did you know your son is doing really well on his new college course? DH says he is stupid, so stupid he can hardly put one foot in front of the other - that's a quote! However, DH starts making comments about my lunch with Melanie and how can I get a longer lunch hour than 30 mins, why don't I meet him for lunch etc. I say have you got a problem with me meeting a friend for lunch because let's talk about it. He storms out.

It's dinnertime, I find DH is crying in the bedroom and won't eat his dinner. I start feeling dreadfully guilty that I have upset him. He is looking at info on internet in an obvious way about depressed men needing loads of support from their partners and are very likely to commit suicide.

I'm worried now. Later on DH comes out of bedroom and we sit down together. I feel terribly guilty. I say let's talk about difficulties and what we can do about them. As usual the conversation is about all the awful things that happen to him and the bad luck he gets (no acceptance of responsibility). I still feel sorry for him (a bit). As usual the conversation comes around to how I don't give him enough support, affection, love I'm hard and cold etc. Suddenly the depressed man is talking very articulately and accusingly. You do nothing for me he says.

I say have you considered I may not be the right partner for you and it may be best to finish the relationship and look elsewhere. (One of his psychiatrists has already suggested this). No that is not what he wants. We descend into full-scale row, I feel in some way threatened and afraid and want to get out of this awful relationship.

I am certain now I want to leave even though it's going to be awful but somewhere in the back of my head a voice is telling me that actually I am damaging this poor innocent man, I am a control freak, a hard, cold and unreasonable partner. We were once so happy together and I have made it go all wrong. i'm going to ruin his life by leaving him and it's all my fault. This is all stuff he has said over the last two years and I can't help buut half-believe it.

One other thing is that DS saw DH older sister on the bus. She said to him we are all thinking of you and know what you are all going through and was really supportive. DS told his aunt that life at home was terrible and she understood. This is really important because I have been so worried that DH family who I really like will see me as a mean marriage-wrecker, that I'm letting them down etc. But I think they know what it's like though no-one ever says anything.

Sorry this is such a mixed-up rant but this is how it is for me. I'm pretty sure now that I plan to leave, I'm kind of reluctant but feel I have no choice. I'm going to seek counselling and other support to help me get the strength to do it. Thanks to everyone who has posted here, I've read all your comments lots this week, and the "success stories" are so encouraging. I;ve thought long and hard about them all. And I'm going to start a new post to ask advice about how to get out!

Good luck to you too, Unhappy, your kindness and concern has been a lifesaver!

[unhappy]

Hey there Honey how is it going any improvements in the dh yet?

[TuttiFrutti]

Honey, I have just read through all this thread and wanted to give you my heartfelt sympathy. I had a relationship years ago with a man exactly like this and it was hell.

It sounds as if he is the controlling bully other posters have described him as. Is there any hope? Only if he realises what his behaviour is doing and agrees to go to counselling, which he's clearly not going to do.

Taking antidepressants is not enough, because that's just him saying he wants to feel better, he doesn't want YOU to feel better or to recognise that his behaviour is making you unhappy.

[unhappy]

Hi there Honey - glad to hear that your DH has got some help hopefully it will make a difference to your situation I do hope so. Well like I say dont think I will be getting out of my prison for some time yet. Yes it all makes you think and I know the sense in all that positive posters are making but you know sometimes life is not that easy and I am not making excuses. In some ways my situation is better than others as my dp does not live with us full time - we have another property and he chooses to stay there quite alot well thats where he stays he sleeps - not really convinced of that - thats another thread altogether - he owns our house I dont - the threat of losing my home and he does threaten to take my dcs children keep me in line - sad as that may sound - but I am sure life is not always terrible at your house as it is not at ours in fact sometimes its great - I know this is not a healthy way to live I know that I am not being a good role model but what do you do when you are too scared of rocking the boat - sit it out and wait until a good opportunity to jump ship - will keep on checking on this post to see how you are doing

[Kally]

I was in a relationship like this with my ex. I left him after 26 years, two grown children and my third was about 5 years old. I left it all behind. Packed 5 boxes and LEFT. I have never been happier. This far down the road I have new friends (I returned to the UK, married years spent abroad)a new beau who is the total opposite to ex. (Funny tho I did have a few knob heads that were similar to ex until I realised I was looking for a 'uncomfort' zone). My life is tranquil and I have only to regret not leaving sooner. The kids suffer, they grow up getting used to rows and dominant behaviour and seeing two miserable faces as parents. Kids deserve harmony and I can honestly say that compared to my older two kids, my little one is so much more 'stable' and 'cooler'. Even her older siblings say that. Its because I stepped out from under the raincloud. We all deserve to be happy. Have a good think about what you want and DO IT.

[HoneyBadger]

I'm OK thanks, I don't post over the w/e because of DH! But I did read Attilla's post. It is very strong and helpful. I did a bit of internet research about enabler in a counselling context. I can see the dangers there of both our behaviours and also interestingly the behaviours in my own parents marriage (although my father is not abusive).

Strangely at the 11th hour on Friday DH arrived home with some anti-depressants so I think the penny has dropped that he needs to do something fast. Although he still cannot recognise that there is anything wrong with the way he is. Just that everything is due to depression and he doesn't get the love and support from his family he needs to overcome it. Whether it will change the way he is though and how long I give him to improve I just don't know......

What about you Unhappy, have these posts helped you with your situation? I know you said you had decided to sit it out for the moment?

[unhappy]

Atilla that was a very strong post with very valid points. Wish it was that easy.

Honey I hope you are OK how are things going?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Honey Badger

Do you think he feels sorry for you?. NO, he has feelings more like contempt.

If you haven't done so already I would get a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Its about controlling men and how they operate.

The suicide threat was an empty one designed to keep you in line. He knew exactly what he was doing there, he would never have carried it out. He is a controlling bully who is doing untold harm to you and your children. He cares not a jot for any of you really.

Controlling men are often angry as well, I am not at all surprised he is being abusive towards your son (these people have set patterns of abusive behaviour). He will likely act the same towards your DD when she is of age and what will he as a male role model teach her about relationships. If you do not act now she'll likely end up with a partner as controlling as he is when she is adult. Is this the legacy you want to leave her?.

You realise the relationship is dead and you certainly cannot enable this situation to continue any longer. You CANNOT stay for all the wrong reasons and you can start over without having to walk on eggshells around him. Your children will be badly emotionally harmed by this man, harm that will take years to overcome.

You were not placed on this earth to be his emotional punchbag or enabler. It is only when you leave this dead relationship will you perhaps realise how abusive he is and has been.

You have a choice ultimately - your children have no say.

[Overmydeadbody]

Sending bucketfulls of strength to you Honey and unhappy to one day have the courage to change your lives for the better.

Rememer, MN is here to support you through everything. Once you have made your decisions you will be surprised how much courage and strength you actually have.

[HoneyBadger]

OMG Lulabelle - mine wanted a paternity test too!! Do you think they compare notes?

Unhappy I know how you feel I've been watching lots of posts on here and seeing bits of my story in others peoples and it does help. I'm not at all brave and tend to do things for a quiet life. It's now getting so bad that I'm going to have to do something, especially as he's targetting DS too.

[unhappy]

Hi Honey and all on this post - this story sounds so much like my own - its really interesting to read. Not meant to sound flippant - my dp is a control freak not constantly abusive but more so recently - mine is a very long story too perhaps one day I will have the courage like yourself to tell it. I wish you all the luck in the world Honey in your decision - I know I am no where near strong enough to leave yet if ever - I keep thinking when dd is older I will be free - it feels to me like a prison sentence. We are all bright women why the hell do we put up with so much crap for such a long time.

Will put a watch on this one to see how you are doing - xx

[lowenergylightbulb]

I'm sorry that you are going through this honeybadger. It sounds like a really hard situation. As an outsider I'd say that you owe it to yourself to leave. You've done all that you can to 'save' things and you can't do it all on your own.