Need a reality check on my relationship, please help,....long post... sorry

[HoneyBadger]

I'm new to this forum but think it's brilliant and would dearly like some advice on my own situation. I feel i'm thinking through treacle at the moment!

My DH and I have been married for 15 yrs and have one DS (17) and one DD (9). We have been mainly very happy together, he has a more dominant personality whilst I am pretty easy-going. I think that's how we managed to get along, although I have always been worried because he has been possessive and a bit controlling.

DH took medical retirement in 2000 on the grounds of clincial depression. So I have been the main wage earner for a number of years. DH was very good with the children, although he did virtually nothing around the house, but I didn't mind so all worked reasonably well.

This changed about 2 years ago.
In 2006 there were major problems at my place of work concerning bullying. I (and others) chose to support a number of colleagues putting my job on the line. DH was very critical of my decision, criticising my colleagues and being rude to them and about them. I believe he was jealous of the time and concern I spent on their issues and it saddened me.

He accused me of having an affair with one of them (female) when he discovered she was lesbian - that was total rubbish. He then looked at our computer, accused me of having accessed dating websites. In the meantime, he had convinced me I had a personality disorder of an OCD nature because I am very organised (he is not) complained that I didn't spend enough time with DD, was obsessed with housework and did not give him enough affection.

Luckily GP referred us to a family therapist who was amazing. She helped me to see that DH was over critical of me, putting me down, was judgemental and opinionated. She also made suggestions about areas that I could improve, him helping with the house work etc. For the first time I found the confidence to stand up to him when I didn't agree with his opinions or ideas. Eventually DH blew up at her in one of the sessions saying she was biased in favour of females and refused to go again. He said he'd come to get me sorted out not look at him.

Then DH relationship with DS began to go downhill. DS is a very rebellious teenager and it is not easy parenting him. We have totally different views on this. I believe in creating a safe supportive environment, setting firm boundaries and guiding him but DH takes a more punitive and disciplinarian route. DH says (to me) that DS is a loser and he swears about him and to him,

DH now says I am a control freak because I have refused to go along with his way of thinking, that I undermine him and stop him from being a parent.

About 6 months ago it all got too much, I told DH that I wanted a divorce. Stupidly I did this in the heat of the moment when we were mid-row. DH hit the wall, breaking his hand then proceeded to drive off into the night (over the limit)stop at every service station during the night and buy paracetamol. He then phoned his relatives and me saying he was going to commit suicide. He turned up the next morning very sheepish and spent the whole day railroading me into not leaving - involving DD which I thought was disgraceful (please mummy stay).

I agreed to stay provided he sought help for depression and stopped being possessive. Neither of which he has done.

Now my feelings are that the marriage is over, I have no respect for him anymore and he talks to me and DS like he hates us (swearing). I can't understand why he still says he loves me and wants us to stay together. He is negative all the time, morose and miserable. I am so tense waiting fro the next row. As soon as he goes out the atmosphere changes in the house. There is no joy in our lives anymore.

But I feel intense guilt that I feel this way. I've tried to make this a balanced posting - I am not perfect by any means, i am annoyingly organised and I'm sure I've added to the difficulties by being so passive in the early days of our relationship.

Please help me make sense of what is happening, I'm so sad our relationship is dying and feel really sorry for DH but just want to get out....

[misselizabethbennet]

Sorry, HoneyBadger, you sound like you're having a tough time. You have obviously spend a lot of time thinking about this situation and you seem to have a very clear picture of what's happened over the years.

I can see why you might want to leave this relationship - are there any reasons you might want to stay? I think you have to make the decision based on what you want. You have tried to help him.

Have you ever discussed his refusal to get assessed/treated for depression. Seems odd to retire on these grounds and then stop getting treatment.

for you.

[expatinscotland]

'I agreed to stay provided he sought help for depression and stopped being possessive. Neither of which he has done.'

Your marriage is over.

Go and ring a counsellor NOW so that you can end it and still have your sanity.

Because this person is not just toxic, but emotionally abusive and has what sounds like some serious mental issues which he refuses to get help for.

You need to get out of this for your sake and your childrens'.

[Overmydeadbody]

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrible time

Your H may say he loves you and wants you two to stay together forever, but it sounds like what he is actually doing is mistaking dependancy for love. You may also be dependant on him to some extent.

Love is an action, not a feeling. How is he acting to demonstrate his love to you?

[HoneyBadger]

I want to stay for all the wrong reasons. Fear of being alone, not wanting to disrupt others' lives, stability for the kids, what his family will say etc. I don't want others to blame me for not having supported him and that is what he tells me all the time. But if I am honest the relationship is dead.

[HoneyBadger]

Dependency is exactly what it is Overmydeadbody. Without me he will have no income, soon no driving licence as he is about to be convicted of a roadrage incident and no crutch. That's exactly why I feel such guilt!!

[MrsMattie]

Hi there.

This sounds like a really stressful, painful situation to be in and I feel sorry for you having to go through this .

Your DH sounds like a very angry, controlling, unstable man. You sound like you have tried very hard to support him and, to be honest, made a lot of excuses to yourself about his behaviour for a very long time.

Now sound slike the time to move on and try to make some positive changes in your life - for your sake, and for the sake of your son (this must be having a terrible effect on him. Your DH is effectively behaving abusively towards your son. God only knows how he will cope with a teenage daughter when that comes around!)

I wish you luck. Sounds like you are turning a corner and getting your strength together. Keep it up.

[expatinscotland]

god, if i were your poor son having to grow up like that i wouldn't just be rebellious, i'd be long gone.

[Overmydeadbody]

It is not your responsibility to support him, or look after him, or enable him.

You have to put yourself first. Yoour priority should be in supporting yourself and doing what's best for you.

It is his responsibility to look after himself and deal with his needs.

Regardless of what he may tell you, others will not think you should have supported him.

You are not his mother. You are not tied together forever, you are not under any obligations to support him if it is not in your own best interests.

[Overmydeadbody]

Your poor son.

You owe it to put his needs ahead of your H's, and your H sounds horribly toxic towards your DS.

[expatinscotland]

'DH says (to me) that DS is a loser and he swears about him and to him, '

Imagine being your son. And how, before he was 17, he couldn't legally go anywhere else.

He had to just put up with that.

[HoneyBadger]

Thanks Mrs Mattie this is the first time I have ever told this story which is all kept behind closed doors, apart from two very close friends, and I really appreciate the advice you are giving and views.

DH of course can be very charming too when he wants to be, but less and less often, which makes it all the more difficult. But I guess that's the same for all umpleasant characters.

[HoneyBadger]

Expat I've thought that too. I want to do what's right for all of us but probably no one thing will work for us all. DS is very unhappy and tends to spend a lot of time out with his friends. The other problem is DD adores her dad who is better with younger DC's and she will be devastated if we divorce.

I'm sure when she becomes a teen DH will be equally authoritarian with her though.

[HoneyBadger]

Lulabelle did you have individual counselling or therapy for you and the DC's? So glad things have worked out well for you.

[HoneyBadger]

Oh if only mine would find a girlfriend....... I know for sure if I left he would make my life hell so I'm under no illusions about that!

[lowenergylightbulb]

I'm sorry that you are going through this honeybadger. It sounds like a really hard situation. As an outsider I'd say that you owe it to yourself to leave. You've done all that you can to 'save' things and you can't do it all on your own.

[unhappy]

Hi Honey and all on this post - this story sounds so much like my own - its really interesting to read. Not meant to sound flippant - my dp is a control freak not constantly abusive but more so recently - mine is a very long story too perhaps one day I will have the courage like yourself to tell it. I wish you all the luck in the world Honey in your decision - I know I am no where near strong enough to leave yet if ever - I keep thinking when dd is older I will be free - it feels to me like a prison sentence. We are all bright women why the hell do we put up with so much crap for such a long time.

Will put a watch on this one to see how you are doing - xx

[HoneyBadger]

OMG Lulabelle - mine wanted a paternity test too!! Do you think they compare notes?

Unhappy I know how you feel I've been watching lots of posts on here and seeing bits of my story in others peoples and it does help. I'm not at all brave and tend to do things for a quiet life. It's now getting so bad that I'm going to have to do something, especially as he's targetting DS too.

[Overmydeadbody]

Sending bucketfulls of strength to you Honey and unhappy to one day have the courage to change your lives for the better.

Rememer, MN is here to support you through everything. Once you have made your decisions you will be surprised how much courage and strength you actually have.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Honey Badger

Do you think he feels sorry for you?. NO, he has feelings more like contempt.

If you haven't done so already I would get a copy of "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Its about controlling men and how they operate.

The suicide threat was an empty one designed to keep you in line. He knew exactly what he was doing there, he would never have carried it out. He is a controlling bully who is doing untold harm to you and your children. He cares not a jot for any of you really.

Controlling men are often angry as well, I am not at all surprised he is being abusive towards your son (these people have set patterns of abusive behaviour). He will likely act the same towards your DD when she is of age and what will he as a male role model teach her about relationships. If you do not act now she'll likely end up with a partner as controlling as he is when she is adult. Is this the legacy you want to leave her?.

You realise the relationship is dead and you certainly cannot enable this situation to continue any longer. You CANNOT stay for all the wrong reasons and you can start over without having to walk on eggshells around him. Your children will be badly emotionally harmed by this man, harm that will take years to overcome.

You were not placed on this earth to be his emotional punchbag or enabler. It is only when you leave this dead relationship will you perhaps realise how abusive he is and has been.

You have a choice ultimately - your children have no say.