Happy fecking fathers day...just kicked dh out!!

[Nemoandthefishes]

feckfeckfeck
he pisses me off so much we have been down this road before but this is the first time I have physically turfed him out the door. He has spent stupid amount of money on his computer crap again and I cant be doing with it. He bought something for £150 on a week when I was scrimping[he was well aware] to get £50 together to buy some food shopping. Its the last straw so have kicked him out dont know where he has gone but am so angry with him i dont care. dont know if he will be coming back but I packed a bag for him

[wotulookinat]

Yes it might the shock he needs. Mind you, I was declared bankrupt a couple of years ago and lost my home. I still have a problem though and will spend flippantly if I can, hence DH having th card.

[Nemoandthefishes]

so then if I take him back how long do I leave it?

[NotABanana]

Can you meet somewhere neutral wihtout the children and talk to him about the real situation you are in?

There is no point just letting him come back with nothing resolved. I suggest one account for enough for all the necessary bills and then you split what is left for own personal spending.

I get a certain amount from my husband each month and I know what it is for and that that is all there is until the next pay day. Having said that I would not spend £50 or more on anything without running it by him first.

[Nemoandthefishes]

have nobody to mind the children and do agree at the minute nothing would be resolved

[NotABanana]

Could you put down on paper your in and out goings and make him realise in black and white what he is doing? You can't eat a computer can you? maybe give him toast for dinner until you next get money so ram the point home?

[Nemoandthefishes]

we have our incomings and outgoings put up on the fridge but have a feeling he has lied about how much exactly he gets for a wage.

[TheTickListQueen]

Would he be open to sitting down together and working out a monthly budget? He has to accept that in your situation he needs to be responsible. As IllegallyB suggested put bill/grocery in a separate account he can't access without you. Split up whatever is left. Agree an amount that you can't spend above without discussing it first.

Have you done things like look at whether you have the cheapest utilities/ phone contracts / insurance etc to free up a bit more money to relieve a bit of the pressure of the IVA. The situation might hit home a bit more if you can get him involved and then it wont be you taking on all the stress.

Not sure if he'd have access to credit with an IVA but as protection I'd speak to your bank to make sure he can't take out a loan or o/d without your agreement.

[Nemoandthefishes]

no luckily he cant take credit now but it was this stupid spending then me getting ill that made us end up in this position

[TheTickListQueen]

Can you not get a hold of his bank stmts to check his wage? If he's not going to be honest and work with you on this if you take him back it will happen over again. You need to talk to see where his head is, has this been a shock enough to make a difference?

[Nemoandthefishes]

I actually just took his bank card from him before he left as I transfered £85 of my money in yesterday and according to him he only has £10 in there so will check it later

[milkgoddessmakesthefinestmilk]

hi nemo, perhaps you need to overhaul your whole system?
i think both you and him need a little spending money each so you have that bit of freedom.

anyway this is what we have always done, both are incomes go into a joint account, the bills and morgage etc go out from the joint account, also 200 [100 each] goes into our own accounts each month,
so me and dh have 100 each pockets money we can spend on clothes or cds or whatever we like, we can also save it up if there is anything we really want etc.
we never have a any rows about money.
and never have times when ones saying to the other how much have you spent on this or spent on that, and it works really well

anything thats left over in the joint account is saved or spent on joint family things like holidays etc.
when there is a fair amount in the joint i take it out and out and put it in a different savings account split between two isas, which is our money.

i think this is the ideal way, as you both have the same amount of pocket money,as such, theres no him saying youve spent 300 quid on clothes or me saying youve just brought x amount of computer stuff etc
this system works when either the dw or dh earns the most money, we have had times when ive earn the most and times where hes earnt the most etc.

anyway hth

[QuintessentialShadows]

Nemo.
I manage my husbands finances. His salary goes to my account, all the bills go direct debit out of my account. He spends pocket money on his credit card (and occasional food shopping, petrol) and I pay his credit card bills (out of his bank account).

Sometimes this is the only way. You have to take full control if he cant handle it. This way we have eliminated that my dh overspends, and there is always money for bills.

[Nemoandthefishes]

thanks milk
think that would work if not for the fact that we dont actually have money to spend..I have spent 3 months uming and aaing over whether I can afford a new pair of shoes at £20!! He has spent the money from what his dad gave to us as a family which is what annoys me the most.

[Nemoandthefishes]

well apparently he is at his parents house and has told his dad about his spending problems and his dad has flipped and been giving him a big talk about responsibility and money.

[Nbg]

Awww Nemo
What a twunt hey.

His dad giving him a talking too mgiht be a good thing.
Somtimes men need to hear from someone else and it might be that extra kick up the backside he needs right now.

[misdee]

hopefully his dad giving him an earbashing as well will sort him out.

[NotABanana]

Hopefully his dad will give him the kick up the backside he needs.

I don't understand why you don't know how much he earns.

[Nemoandthefishes]

notabanana I know his basic wage but he gets a bonus which allegedly alternates but now im not so sure

[NotABanana]

What are you not sure about?

[Nemoandthefishes]

how much bonus he gets used to always be £200 a month but last couple of months he has said its only been £50-100

[biglips]

aww nemo...only just came in now and just saw this......hope his Dad will knock some sense in his head as youve got a lovely family and hope he is gonna start thinking straight. Is this the first time youve kicked him out? if yes..surely that will scared the s**t out of him.

[NotABanana]

Do you think he is getting more and keeping it from you?

If you are struggling to gather money for a food shop then he needs a kick in the balls.

[stoppinattwo]

nemo......just seen this, sorry i missed your msn, you wanna come round for a bit??

[wotulookinat]

that's good that he has now been honest with his dad and admitted there is a problem - could be the start of a change for you all.

[lulumama]

so so sorry
i think you should talk to his Dad. let your DH take some shame and responsibility

spending £150 on something shite when you need food is bad

spending mortgage money previously is very bad

this is not the right environment to be TTC number 4

will he get some help? sounds like he is quite compulsive with money

so so so sorry.

you also need to tell him clearly why you have told him to go and how much of a negative impact this spending has on you

spending £150 on something non essential when you are hard up is absolutely ridicolous and, franky, immature