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Relationships

I can't forgive my SIL - sorry long post - please advise

61 replies

susia · 10/06/2008 21:16

I am a single mother of a lovely 4 and a half year old boy. I think I am bringing him up well and we have a good life. I have a well paid part time job, own my own house, have lots of friends and although sometimes life is a bit lonely for me, my son is happy and well adjusted.

However, an incident happened 3 years ago that I find impossible to forgive with my SIL. It was on her hen night and at the time we both had one year olds. Until that point I thought we'd always got on ok. Anyway, I was staying at their house and after going out with her friends she was really, really drunk. She then proceeded to tell me loads of stuff about her family such as how her father had sexually abused her as a child and had committed suicide when she was 14 and how they weren't close as a family etc.

Obviously I was really shocked and felt really sorry for her. BUT then she said, 'you're lucky having such a close family...AND your father told me you were the cross he has to bear' I said 'WHAT???!' and she said 'you've always been the black sheep of the family, your father is at his wits end about you, he came into your brother's shop (my other brother) ranting about you...I know you and X (other brother) don't get on...'

I was completely flabbergasted, can't remember what I said but I remember her saying 'you're twisting things...like you always do!' but went to bed, drove home and then spoke to my parent's about it. My dad denied it to the hilt and wrote her a letter which she didn't respond to. Two weeks later it was their wedding. I went to it for the sake of my parents but couldn't look at her let alone congratulate her and for a long time my family supported the way I felt.

Time has obviously moved on, they now have 2 children, she has never apologised and over time I have learned to be civil to her for the sake of my parents who are in their 70's and would hate a confrontation.

My brother and I have lost the close relationship we once had. We were really close, in fact he lived with me rent free for about 2 years when he first met her.

My brother unfortunatley had eavesdropped part of our conversation that night and had misunderstood another part of the conversation where I had been telling SIL about how much he loved her. That he had previously been a real player (everyone including her knew that) and had cheated badly on his ex. The point of the conversation - although really stupid now I realise (I was quite drunk too though not too much to remember every word) was to reassure her that he loved her - he never would have committed to another relationship. Anyway, my brother heard snippits of this and they must have discussed it and she told him nothing of what she said.

The three of us fell out for about a year, he took her side (obviously as he had just married her) and had heard nothing about what she said to me.

Even now I still can't forgive her, she has ruined my relationship with my brother (which is now alot better but not like it was), and tried to ruin the relationship I have with my father. To be fair, I split with my son's father when I was 6 months pregnant and then moved house so wasn't in the best of places and there was one family row in that time where I behaved immaturely. However, considering the circumstances (both my SILs were pregnant at the time) I think I coped really well, didn't go off the rails, sold my flat, bought a new one nearer my family and since then I have brought up my son without looking back.

To an outsider we get on ok, we only see each other at family functions (still about 8 times a year) but I can't forgive her. I have told my brother about what was said and he doesn't say anything/denies it. She has never apologised. For a long time I felt so insecure - that my father must have felt that although he has completely denied ever feeling that way.

I would really like some advice, do you think I should one day say something to her?

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susia · 10/06/2008 21:25

anyone? sorry it's so long

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MerryMarigold · 10/06/2008 21:31

I think the point of forgiveness is not for her, but for you. Forgiving her will allow YOU to let go of this thing which obvously still bugs you. Forgiveness is NOT 'forgive and forget' (how can people forget things like being abused by a parent) but to let go of the anger, resentment and bitterness. Please see it not as doing her a favour, or your parents, or anyone else except yourself and in the long-term, your son as you will be able to explain this to him should he need to forgive anyone else. I'm not sure of the 'prcoess' of forgiving and letting go, but I think much of it is deciding you really want to and see what else changes in your heart as a result.

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susia · 10/06/2008 21:35

I suppose I have forgiven her in the sense that I see her and to an outsider we get on and as far as my son can see we get on well.

But it is the fact that she said it in the first place while it was untrue (if it was true it would have been even worse), never apologised despite it upsetting her future SIL and parents in law (my dad was really upset about the lies), and to this day acts like nothing happened.

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MerryMarigold · 10/06/2008 21:40

No, I mean have you let go of it in your heart? Not whether you can be civil to her? Why has it come up again? Letting go needs to be done regardless of her beahviour (although of course it would be nice for her to apologise, though if she was that drunk, does she even remember?). Forgiveness can't be conditional on another person's actions, or else you're still paying for their mistake.

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susia · 10/06/2008 21:43

No I can't forgive her in my heart. It has hurt me ever since, the vindintiveness of what she said and how she tried to hurt me and cause me isolation when I least needed it. I still don't forgive her, to be honest I loathe her and I think I always will.

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MerryMarigold · 10/06/2008 21:45

Still paying for their mistake by carrying around the burden of anger, resentment etc. INSIDE regardless of how good you are at being nice to her on the outside. And your original post does sound quite angry tbh. Sorry if harsh, but just wanted you to understand that letting this go will benefit you more than anyone else. And it can't be dependent on anything she does. It's up to you, and you alone.

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MerryMarigold · 10/06/2008 21:46

Sorry x posted with you there. I do feel for you. Forgiveness is not at all easy, but I think seeing that it is setting yourself free is the first big hurdle. Because loathing someone is quite a horrible thing to carry around with you forever more.

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MerryMarigold · 10/06/2008 21:47

I wish someone else would post as well, so you could get some other advice! But that's mine...

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susia · 10/06/2008 21:47

The thing is I don't want to forgive her in case I ever forget. I don't want to ever forget or forgive someone like her and yes I am still full of anger.

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madamez · 10/06/2008 21:48

You are hurting yourself most of all. She may even have forgotten what she said to/about you (the day after, if she was that drunk). You don't have to be best mates with her but you really need, for your own wellbeing, to draw a line under it and move on.

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susia · 10/06/2008 21:50

I don't think she has forgotten. She is not as friendly as she once was (and neither am I) and she knows because I have brought it up with my brother. TBH I want to tell her one day what hurt she caused.

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cornsilk · 10/06/2008 21:53

Saying something will just cause a lot of grief. She's remembering it from her viewpoint and is unlikely to change it.

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dittany · 10/06/2008 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 10/06/2008 21:53

It also sounds as though you want her to be 'punished' in some way - or you want someone on here to tell you that you should bring the whole business up again. Well, you shouldn't. That would be a really stupid thing to do. It's not going to do you any good as she is hardly going to fall on her knees and beg your forgiveness: the best you can hope for is something like 'oh, that, I'd forgotten all about it'. Mind you, there's also a lieklehood that she will have a go at you for what you said to her the same night about your DB(her DH) being a fanny-rat. SHe may well have found that just as hurtful as you found what she said. Did you ever apologise to her? ANd there is a fair risk that you will cause a huge family row and force your brother to take sides once again.

YOu really need to let it go. Your parents have presumably shown over the past 3 years that they love you and do not see you as a burden - if they ever did - so does someone's drunken ranting in the past really matter.

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HAPPYMUMOF5 · 10/06/2008 21:54

Apart from the worry about it escalating and upsetting your parents - what have you got to lose by bringing it up to her?

Is their someone you both know and respect who will unbiasedly listen if you arrange to meet up with her so it doesnt end in a slanging match?

If not then your only course is to let it go on as it is now. Can you face that for the next xx years?

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TheFallenMadonna · 10/06/2008 21:57

I think you should let it go. She was drunk. She had just spilled her guts about something really dreadful and shocking and I doubt she was thinking straight. For the sake of your relationship with your brother I think you need to move on from this.

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susia · 10/06/2008 22:00

But what I said about my brother wasn't meant that way, it was meant the way in that he loves her. Maybe she did say it in retaliation - I don't know.

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susia · 10/06/2008 22:04

I do really feel for her about her father. I know her mother didn't believe her. My SIL has also attempted suicide when my brother was with his ex, my brother said at the time it was to get him to go to her...shortly after that they got together and she got pregnant. Of course, it would be better to forgive, but I don't think I ever can. I was really vulnerable at that time and she tried to turn me against my family and believe that I was a burden to them

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dittany · 10/06/2008 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susia · 10/06/2008 22:08

I wasn't saying he'd shagged loads of women. I was trying to make her feel better as I knew she was insecure about how much more he felt for her. He cheated on his ex (his fiance who he'd been with for 7 years) with her

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ravenAK · 10/06/2008 22:09

Yeah, let it go. Might be worth tackling if you were saying that you & she used to be mates & you want to clear the air so you can re-establish your friendship, but you obviously can't stand the girl, so no point re-visiting what either of you may have said whilst sodden several years ago!

Stick with being polite to each other at family occasions - if you subsequently do start getting on better then it might be the time to have it out. Although even then IME stupid things said in drink are best with a line drawn under them.

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susia · 10/06/2008 22:13

I do appreciate everyone's opinions. although I am surprised that you all think I could let it go so easily. No I can't stand her and don't want a friendship, but would like her to know the hurt she caused.

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ravenAK · 10/06/2008 22:16

I would imagine she has an inkling, if her dh's sister has been looking daggers at her for the past 3 years.

What response could she make, if you did have it out with her, that would make either of you feel better?

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warthog · 10/06/2008 22:24

i suggest you write a letter and get it all down, and then burn it.

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madamez · 10/06/2008 22:24

What good would it do, though? She obviously knows you don't like her, and by the sound of it you never did - a lot of what you say about her is pretty spiteful.
Quite honestly you need to get over yourself, and if you can't, you might actually find counselling helpful.

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