Relationship advice - GF & her ex

[Dadjoke007]

Been in a relationship for 9 months now. Both of us around 50, 2 kids each, teens, similar ages. Met last summer, I was a few months out of long relationship and she had only been single a few weeks after a long distance relationship (she had dated him at uni too).

Things have been great - we had instant attraction, got on so well. We have the perfect balance of independence but being together, live a few miles apart, kids get on, been away a few times including kids and all good. We have opened each others eyes to new activities as well as having some in common. No arguments and we just click.

Trouble is she has been having some doubts of late after ex got back in touch. She feels she didn't fight for relationship (he finished things) and there is still some attraction which I get as he did leave wife for her 2nd time around and they dated at college.

She has been pretty open with me and we have been able to discuss and even joke about it but this is killing me inside. We had been away for a couple of weeks and yet met up the next day as we both missed each other. She keeps saying how nice I am, she feels bad as she knows (her words) I give her everything she needs, am supportive etc.

I have tried to take this lightly and not put pressure on her but I feel the only thing to do is to encourage her to meet him and see what happens, if its meant to be its meant to be. Maybe the spark or attraction is not that great, maybe it is.

We have both said that subject to all the detail (kids, finances) we would be happy to love together so its not that there is anything wrong between us, just that she seems to have feelings for two people?

Not really sure what I am asking for here, anyone been in similar situation, I feel like giving an ultimatum but that will not kill the problem?

On the one hand it’s really great that you guys are so great at communicating and you know what’s going through her head.
It says good things about the relationship you have created that you can share honestly and fully where she is at.

But it seems like that sharing is only going one way as it reads that you are unhappy and not sharing that?

Not many people would feel happy in your situation.

She will have to make an active choice to chose you or you will have to let her go.

It will do your self esteem and mental health no good hanging on hoping.

If she can’t commit to you she’s been future faking with you.

sorry OP

The fact that you have such open communication is great. But the point of good communication is to know where you stand, and she's told you, and it's not great. She's still not over this guy.

If I was her friend I'd be telling her that going back to him is an obviously terrible idea, even if she was single. "Don't go back to people who dumped you just because they're fit" is something I wish so many people would learn! But that's where she is and that's what she wants to do. And at the moment she's trying to keep all her options open, which isn't fair to you.

I actually think your solution is a good one - encourage her to meet up with him. She could well come away with a reality check and saying to herself "God I don't know what I was thinking, nearly throwing away what I have with Dadjoke". But if she doesn't and if she is still into him... well then you'll really know where you stand.

I was in your shoes a few weeks ago, my BF still has a “connection” to an ex with whom he had a very turbulent relationship (trauma bond?). He thought he was ready to move on and start dating again after 3 years but they both obviously still have a pull to each other, chat about every 6 months (mainly about what they could have done differently) and agree they it won’t work between them and move on.

I felt like the other woman, or the second wife of a widower at times, that there was this big love that he couldn’t quite let go of, that I would never quite match up to, its soul destroying.

I thought I could handle it if I kept things casual, just treated him as a lighthearted fun fling not as a potential “The One” but tbh his heart was never really in it, and I felt that, so I pulled away and then he felt that I wasn’t serious about him, which put even more distance between me and the perfect fiery mess that he was used to.

We’re now separated, still text occasionally as friends and maybe meet up for a coffee etc, so I get the benefit of spending time with someone that I really like and whose company I enjoy, but without that unrequited love feeling that I’ll never be enough. I know I should probably cut him off completely but I just really like the guy and he likes me, so we’re doing this for now and maybe in future he’ll realise what he had, but most likely I’ll move on, he’ll stay stuck and they’ll give it another go and probably totally destroy each other a 4th/5th/6th time.

Give her the space to see what she really wants. And in the meantime take time for yourself to work out what you really want v what you’ll settle for.

And something people have said to me about it, sorry, which I meant to include first off…
I was always like “oh I really value his honesty, he’s let me know what’s going on 100% of the time”. He kept in touch when he went to see his ex and stayed with her overnight,( I totally believe nothing happened btw) and has always been very open with me.

But friends reminded me not to be blinded by the honesty without listening to WHAT he’s being honest about. It’s almost like I was so impressed that he told me he still had love for another woman rather than someone cheating or lying etc that I failed to see that the thing he was being so open about was harmful in itself.

What does the right level of independence look like to you? For a short 9 month relationship, you seem to have done a lot and involved your DC's a lot at an early stage. 2 weeks away together and needing to meet the next day, is not shouting out keeping independence. It's saying too full on from the start. If it all ended tomorrow, would you then realise the guilt at your DC's no longer seeing each other after forming bonds? This is exactly why it's a bad idea to go full steam ahead when DC's are involved.
Fast in often becomes overwhelming and too much for one or the other, and in this case it could be her, which leaves the other deeply hurt.
I think it's time you held back a bit, stop planning futures and give it some space, stop involvingthe DC's. It's not fair for her to keep you dangling and it's not fair on the DC's. Intense relationships often occur soon after a long relationship has ended, but they tend to fizzle out fast one reality of life hits. So far it looks like you've been in a bubble of exploring new things, but that's the fun of the new and that level of excitement levels off. You need to know the daily regular routines of life are enough to hold you together without the bells and whistles at the start. Ideally, honeymoon phase over before DC involvement, then you know it's real.

I think you should drop her altogether, not hang about.

If she can't make her mind up, don't be the fall-back option. You deserve to be chosen whole-heartedly.

Maybe you were a rebound, maybe it was too soon for her to start dating, but it shouldn't be a question.

Thanks all. We do share the same morals, views on life and sync really well, feels very natural, we are happy being who we are. Yes, we did leap in a bit fast but that because it felt right. Her words were that "she is worried she doesn't feel the spark as much as I do and is worried she will push away when honeymoon period is over and becomes mundane" (but I think any honeymoon period is over anyway and it is life as normal now with lower highs than you get at the start). She said "that's the only thing stopping me committing to you , my (her words) head says stop looking for problems and does it matter when everything else is so good"

We are both slightly different to our "ideal types", not in lots of ways but I am a big sports fan and she has not had many relationships with sports fans, I am a spender, her a saver. I shop lots, she doesn't. Looks wise I am a bit shorter than her type, she is taller than mine. I normally favour women that are a bit more into nails & fashion (not OTT though) but in this relationship I have realised that's not an issue as I love her for who she is, not that her nails are painted/not painted. So there are so many factors that are in our favour, friends, family & kids have not been an issue, finances and all other stuff are all good.

Part of me thinks that maybe for her the spark has worn off a bit and because we get on so well she is not wanting to hurt me or is even having second thoughts as we are starting to get more serious and its a natural doubt. Part of me thinks it may be she wasn't fully over ex and there was not the closure someone like I had with mine. Maybe as they have been together for 9-10 years on and off there is that bond, maybe being together at 20 and being maybe the first true love/relationship will skew how you look at things.

But, I don't think I can cope with being a 'second choice' - surely even if Tom Cruise comes along you don't seriously reconsider relationship - maybe that points to something being broken.

The problem I have with this is because everything else seems so good. In every relationship I have had there has always been much stronger reasons to break up in that we argue lots, clash, have very different views on things. Am thinking that what has been said is right and I think I will 'force the issue' later. I don't want to push her but do think a quick decision is in order.

Update: She just popped in at my request. Pretty much ended now, we have said we won't message for a week to give her some space but I can't see it getting back on. There are just feelings there she can't supress. Who knows, maybe it will be different in a few weeks but I doubt it.

Doesn't really matter how well-matched you think you are, I think she's been trying to let you down gently. Or hedging her bets.

And if she's not all in, you are honestly better off with it ending.

Appreciate you must be hurting now, but don't hold on for her. Be kind to yourself.

So sorry this has happened to you. I am in my 50's and just got dumped after an 11 month whirlwind romance. I thought we had a future and we were so happy. It's the worst feeling - be kind to yourself.

Thanks.

It had been a weird last month, this had been touched upon before but as we were going on a big holiday we sort of put it to one side and said we would talk after. Thing is holiday was amazing and faultless. Even when back when we popped to the shops we held hands as I drove. That said I had been sort of expecting it, although we had both discussed houses we had seen online too!!

It's tough - some 5 hours later I am so fighting the urge to message. Going to have to keep strong and just hope (although not expecting things to change) that in a few days she does miss me.

Its a weird feeling!

You can’t compete with this long history and she was completely on the rebound. Sorry this has happened but probably a blessing in disguise. You need somebody to be into you wholeheartedly. My advice is to leave her be. If your relationship was everything she wanted she wouldn’t even consider revisiting her ex

Hello. Its a horrible feeling. Here is this person who you are trying to look forward with and build up presumably whats left of a lifetime together and you have this person with years of history you cant compete with tugging on your wifes emotions.

I understand this because my now boyfriend who i am very close to splitting up with had emotional baggage with his ex and it made the first 2 years of our relationship feel really hard. I felt like she was the one who had done all the holidays, trips, house sharing, dog owning with. I rememeber now looking back how awful i felt and i should have really left it there and said no thanks.

It was weird with them. Hed had a massive drink problem and she drank alot too but was functioning fine. Where as he was alwsys in a state of depression and low. He would get attention outside of their relationship along with finanically lean on her alot. He was wreckless and she ended it when yet another woman had taken his attention. He moved out and she continued from decemver 2019 until some time in 2022 to message him. Even when she knew about me. We broke up for 8 months in 2022 because i went through his phone and discovered these caring emotional messages and i realised all my fears were valid. He was not over her. He came back to me in january 2023 and one of the first things he told me was "nothing went on with my ex and shes seeing somone else now i never hear from her"

Hes mentioned her a couple of times today. Almost called me her name earlier. So i believe shes back on his mind.

I dont think its right or fair that your partner is expressing regret at not fighting for him or telling you theres feelings. Because shes potientially going to be messaging him behind your back and things could get messy.

Youll always have this feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Ive walked around for 4 years now knowing that she was the love of his life and he likely wont ever love me like he did her. Its a secret only he knows the answer too. But i think im what hes had to settle for and she will always stay in his heart. I may not even be loved. Its only words.

Be careful x

Thanks - I don't know whether she was actually over him. Our relationship was different, he didn't get on with her DD and I did, and they were 3 hours away, I am 3 miles away. I think when he got in contact it triggered some feelings and can understand if things ended without closure that door can still be open. I was actually worried that would be the case with my ex-wife (20 years) but the break up was bitter and actually her attitudes killed off any feelings very quickly.

I think she had to say something as everything else between us was good and that is not me looking with rose tinted specs.

Have so far resisted messaging, she says she needs time to think through things but am resigned that she will go back with him. Hopefully we will speak midweek and that will give certainty although I am 95% certain we won't get back.

You sound a very lovely understanding person. This is why phones suck, because its so easy to contact people and keep an eye on your exes. I hope she realises what a lovely thing she had with you. Keep your chin up.

So a question for people.

what is the right balance between giving up and fighting for a relationship? I need to respect her decision amd dont want to guilt her but also am in love. Am hoping we can meet midweek. If nothing else just to give back stuff etc but i am hoping we can chat having had a break from each other. I want to reaffirm my feelings and see if the break has changed anything. I know it may come across as desparate but for my own sanity i think I need to give it my all.

Leave her alone.

Let her come to you if she changes her mind.

(And then really consider if being a difficult choice is actually good enough for you or whether you'll always feel insecure afterwards. Surely you deserve to be a shoo-in with someone, not a maybe you'll do?)

You can't "fight" for something when she doesn't reciprocate your feelings in the way you want.

Also, consider this - when faced with a man who wants a relationship and the woman doesn't (or no longer wants to), sometimes it's easier and safer for women to let a guy think another man is in the way or otherwise try to let him down gently.

The most important bit of what she has said is that it's over.

I'm sure you're a nice safe guy personally, but it may not be that she's unsure at all, just that her experience of men generally has led her to prefer trying to extract herself from relationships in a convoluted way.

It's so hard isn't it? Give her space to miss you.

You need to really listen to the words she is using.

I would take this as her letting you down

Dump her and she will probably choose you because you have become her unattainable

I would still dump her

You both sound a lot younger than 50 and don’t sound compatible

You aren't desperate. You are genuine. Id ask her to ring you later and make a decision today because you dont want another 4 days of this.

It doesnt take days to decide. She already knows what she wants and needs to accept she needs to be all in or nothing.

Dont wait another day. You arent her side salad or second choice. If she wants her ex or wants her exs time and attention again then you dont stand a chance.

You dont need it.

I don't think thats the case. But we went on a big holiday at start of April so maybe it was a case of carry on as normal so not to mess that up. If it is a letting down gently then I think I need it to be more final - would rather she said something like she cant stand being with me!

There are pointers that she has been thinking about him for a month or two now. But I have been in relationships that end and there are always obvious signs they dont find you attractive in terms of sex, less time together, not touchy and tactile, being one way in who wants to meet etc and none of that applied.

I dont think being unattainable is anything to do with it. Re: compatibility - I think we have a really good balance. Both independent but like time with each other. Some shared hobbies and interests, some we do ourselves and some we have done with the other person and both enjoyed. A few weeks before holiday we had a week when we didnt see each other much due to kids/work etc and she said she didnt think she would miss me as much. That said I do think that maybe she is closer to a friend zone thing than romance?

Tempted but I said I would give her time and think thats the best thing. Maybe limited contact may work in my favour, maybe not?

If it is a letting down gently then I think I need it to be more final - would rather she said something like she cant stand being with me

You say that, but experience tells women differently, generally.

Endings are always hard.

I really think though, you'd be better stepping way back and letting her come to you if she wants to. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming clingy and that's very off-putting. Not to mention potentially concerning.

Take a no as a no. Even soft, hedged ones.

She knows you want to be with her. If she chooses you, you'll know.