Dating 5 weeks after moving out…

[Hmmm12345]

My head is a little frazzled….

Started chatting to a man on Bumble mid January. Met first week in Feb and have been seeing each other ever since. The “but”…..he only moved out and separated from his wife in December.

To clarify- he’s not lying about this, I’ve met his family and friends who have all confirmed they are definitely separated. Solicitors are involved, have seen proof of this as well. So there is no question of him living a double life.

He seems like a lovely, lovely man. Intelligent, kind, emotionally mature, outgoing etc

But he was literally married in December (and legally still is).

What is everyone’s thoughts? Can this work? Is this too soon for him? Am I setting myself up for heartbreak?

[Neverold6]

Why did he leave his wife?

[Yankeescot]

I found myself in a similar position in summer 2020. The only difference is that we'd known each other as friends prior to his divorce. We started dating about same timeframe as you after their separation.

It was tough going at times due to the this but I can say that nearly 4 years on, we are still together and very happily loved up. If we hadn't had known each other beforehand, and if I hadn't known he was a wonderful and very kind person, I don't think if I would have stuck around. I often felt sidelined, kept a secret from his teen kids, he was too enmeshed in his ex's family with me spending holidays alone etc. during his divorce period. Despite their divorce being amicable and they co-parent very well, it was very very stressful. They'd been married 20 years, 2 kids and had absolutely nothing in common so it was mutual on both sides. No animosity nor hostility, and it was still super stressful.

Things have moved on considerably thank goodness. Best of luck to you, OP. Meeting online dating can be a leap of faith and I hope he's a good man to you.

[Hmmm12345]

@Neverold6 no catastrophic event, just grew apart and both unhappy. Again, I have seen proof of this so know there is nothing he’s hiding. But I’m an over-thinker so have found myself on Mumsnet to see what the general consensus is.

@Yankeescot thanks for sharing. Glad it all worked out for you 😊.

One thing I’ll add - he has told his ex wife about us now and she is very angry about it all. Completely understandable! I guess I keep second guessing everything. I really, really like this man, no red flags…..but is this divorce a red flag in itself!? Gaaaah!

[Neverold6]

But why is his wife angry if they grew apart and it was a mutual decision?

[ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie]

She will assume you were waiting in the wings and are in fact an OW.
Personally, I would not go there, as regardless of what you have seen, if they have only been separates a short period, one or both of them may have been hoping to get back together.

[Lookingforunicorns]

I'd love to hear his wife's own version of why he left. You've got his (and his family's) version.
Has he got kids? What do they think?
Are you happy to be his rebound fling of freedom with no commitment/hassles/responsibility on his part?

[AliciaCared]

Does he need a house to live in, by any chance, op?

[Hmmm12345]

@Neverold6 simply because she feels it’s too soon for him to be moving on.

@Lookingforunicorns agreed. I would be interested to hear her version but also at this stage, wouldn’t reach out or expect her to want to speak with me. We are both in our thirties. He has a primary school aged child. As do I. But too early for them to be introduced.

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie he has moved out twice before and they have reconciled….so yes she was definitely expecting them to get back together. And before anyone says it, yes I do sometimes wonder does he want to go back.

Eurgh it’s hard. I’m a big believer in giving things a chance. Don’t want to write it off when there is no reason to yet.

[SamW98]

I would avoid someone this recently separated like the plague tbh.

Someone coming straight out of a LTR and hooking up with someone else before his side of the bed is even cold screams rebound imo.

Unless someone is well down the road of divorcing, I wouldn’t touch them with a bargepole. Too much fresh emotional baggage in my experience

[coraline70]

My ex husbands version:

My ex wife had an affair and I had to leave her, she was controlling, psychotic and my life was a living hell.

Actual truth - I cheated on my ex wife many times, the last time she was recovering from a hysterectomy but I didn't care, I left her and the kids, paid no maintenance and I ruined her reputation with lies to cover my arse.

[Hmmm12345]

@AliciaCared no he has his own place already at least. I’ve read about that all too much on here!

[Hmmm12345]

@SamW98 thank you….I do understand where you’re coming from. All things I have thought myself.

[Tillievanilly]

It’s not long I would be very wary of being his rebound! He needs to deal with the end of his marriage and he sounds like instead of that he is focussing on you??

[Hmmm12345]

@coraline70 yes things like this worry me! But I’ve seen their conversations and there is deffo no cheating or abandonment etc

[Lookingforunicorns]

No abandonment? He's left his wife and child!

[Hmmm12345]

@Lookingforunicorns he has left. But they both agreed to separate. They both don’t want to live together. They both have an agreed split of childcare. He pays an agreed amount of maintenance. I myself dont think that’s abandonment but I appreciate on mumsnet we all have our own opinions.

[Hmmm12345]

@Tillievanilly yes 100%. I have said this to him as well.

[ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie]

There you go. He has form for walking out when things get tough, as they can be with a young family. Whether you like it or not, if you start a relationship with someone who is married/barely separated, you are an OW.

[MermaidMummy06]

I'd be wary about this. My friend split from her exH in November. It was messy & I thought she'd be off men for years.

Within 6 weeks she was happy, chatting to someone online & making plans. I was shocked, as she still hadn't dealt with the split. She was clearly looking for the security of a partner to 'move on' (& tbh, a bit of spite to hurt exH) & to not deal with her situation. Now her circumstances have changed & I think he'll walk away & she'll be heartbroken.

So just be wary. Consider if you want to be in a relationship where there's conflict with an ex, stepkids, etc.

[Hmmm12345]

@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie thank you. I don’t agree he is solely walking away…..they both agreed to separate. Mutual decision. But I can understand your thought process and appreciate your honesty 😊.

[Hmmm12345]

@MermaidMummy06 thank you. That’s interesting to read.

[HelloWorld68]

You like him. He likes you. You're not wanting to marry him!

Your kids haven't met and I assume aren't going to until you know that it is going to be long term.

So what's the problem? Just enjoy it. Don't overthink it.

If it starts getting messy, just walk. There doesn't appear to be any drama, just enjoy it.

If drama comes along ... walk!

Don't see the problem myself.

[Opentooffers]

So far they have split twice and reconciled each time, so I'd be wary that this could be a third time same situation.
Suppose he gets bored, they drift, he dates others for a while, then goes back after she's promised allsorts of things to get him back? But then he can tell himself and her that it doesn't count, its not cheating as they were apart at the time.
Its too soon to tell if this time its permanent, you can't know that. He's also not done the work of getting over a permanent split. I suspect he's quite full on and it all seems great from your pov, but after only dating 2 months, you've already met his family. That's a fast move, if he had fully processed the past, he'd be much more cautious about involving friends and family. Beware of him being so keen to show his involvement with you to everyone, he could be more keen to be making a statement than anything else.
Slow it down, until you know more, if he wants fast progression, it's a bad sign.

[ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie]

If it was really so mutual, why is she angry with him?
You say this is the third time, so it sounds more like she went along with it, expecting the pattern to be repeated.

My own marriage has been to the brink, we had solicitors involved etc. He thought he was leaving mutually and that I didn't want to be with him. I was raging with him inside, never wanted him to leave, always wanted to fix our underlying problems. While we were separated, he bounced straight from me to another woman and didn't think I would ever get past it. I left him to it, even though it hurt like hell. I knew it wouldn't last. He came back in the end, and although we are not out of the woods yet, it sometimes feels like we needed that crisis to get us to sort ourselves out.

[Hmmm12345]

All really good points, thanks everyone xx