Panicking. Update for partner not being supportive when I moved out

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

I posted last week about my partner not being supportive when I moved out. For background I lived at his for around 8 months as I sold my house and bought off plan. My house was ready 3 weeks ago and I just moved in. It was planned I was only at his temporarily.

since I moved in he has not stayed a night or contacted me much. First night in my house he came round on way back from football. Said he wanted to go home and grab his overnight bag. He was tired as stressed with work and not really sleeping.

3 hours later and he hadn’t turned up. I called him no answer. He called back 20 mins later and said he fell asleep. He then video called me to prove he was at home. This was odd behaviour as we don’t really video call. Because he was shattered and not feeling well. He will come round if I wanted but wanted to sleep early. I said leave it. He said he will come the next day.

Next day I went round to collect my last things in the morning. He was quiet and had packed up my stuff and cleaned his house. He hadn’t lifted a finger when I live there. He said don’t forget your things. I gave him a hug and said don’t you forget me. He said not at all.

he then said without looking at me, I have my lovely house that I wanted, away from him. I hated his village and moaned about the distance from work and my friends. Go to your house be happy and I will see you later.

he came to mine and was very quiet. He hadn’t brought his overnight bag in and asked where it was. He said it was in his car and he will get it later. At bed time he went to get his things out the car and said he forgot his work clothes. It was too late to go back and then come back to mine due to distance. I got upset and he was really sorry, hugging me lots.

due to our plans we agreed to meet on Wednesday. He would come to mine. He has not been sleeping well for weeks and is having a freaky tough time at work. so when I lived with him he was moody, quiet when he was stressed.

Since Sunday he has not texted me or called me. Well he has replied once a day to my texts. He said he was on call and worked till 3am and was up at 6. I called him today and he said he was in the middle of gardening and the call lasted 1 minute. He has gone silent on me.

so I am not too sure if he is upset I have left and adjusting to change. He did say on Friday we were taking a backwards step. I agreed but said I had sold and nearly bought before he offered his place. I was going to rent. He said it made sense to live at his despite the long travel time as it was temporary. He understood it was the plan.

I am also wondering if he is forcing me to end it. I can’t seem to get an answer. I talked about it before I left and he said he wanted his own property and security which I understand as I do too. He said he would look into renting his house out to move to mine. But says he would be at mine for most of the week. Let’s see how it goes.

so give mind. Help me with strategies to approach this. Am I overthinking or am I out of sight and out of mind?

[AltitudeCheck]

How long were you together before you moved in? Perhaps living together made him reconsider the relationship but wanted to avoid breaking up when you were living together?

[PineappleTime]

Maybe he's just sad you've moved out? His comment about going backwards suggests he may be. BUT he was lazy and moody when you lived with him so it's not clear how living together benefits you, though it does him! Does this trial living together period not give you second thoughts about the future of the relationship? He's given you an insight into how he will be forever...

[ChampagneNightmares]

He's sulking cos you've moved out. He's upset cos you don't want to stay with him.

What happens when you talk about this? Do you actually talk about this? Do you tell him you still like him, still want a relationship with him but would like your own house? How does he respond?

There has been an awful lot of worrying about things on your previous posts OP, but do you actually have meaningful conversations with him at all?!

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

I do have conversations with him. I asked him what he thought and the future. He said nothing will change as we go back to before. Then he stopped the conversation.

@ChampagneNightmares what was worrying?

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

I am not to sure I am getting anxious as he won’t respond.

[turkeymuffin]

He has broken up with you, in a cowardly manner.

Enjoy your new home& build a new life! Don't chase him for scraps.

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

@turkeymuffin i think he has. I would rather he was honest with me.

I just don’t understand why he didn’t say.

[Loubelou14]

I think he's struggling because you've moved out. I've been through similar to him and although it was the right move I felt rejected and unsure. I felt sad staying over because it reminded me we weren't properly together. I found it really difficult so if that's what he's going through maybe reassure him of your feelings.

[Bookworm1111]

Having just read your previous thread for context, it sounds like after two years the relationship is coming to a natural end. You've moved into a shiny new house in a busy area you love that's close to your friends. He lives in a rural area where his friends are and where he has an active social life. You weren't happy living at his – you said you were bored and tired all the time from the commute. He may feel that if he was to live with you, the same thing would happen with him. I think he's withdrawing because he knows deep down that if the pair of you couldn't make it work living with him for ten months, it's never going to work long term. It's sad, but your lives are incompatible.

[DrJoanAllenby]

He could be jealous.

It does rather sound like that he is forcing your hand to end it as he is perhaps embarrassed at his reasons for wanting to end the relationship sound rather lame.

His reason being that he was fine whilst you were there as he didn't have to make much of an effort and now you're in your own place he's got to make an effort to visit and bring stuff with him to stay and he hates all that as he loves his own home and own bed.

That's just my thoughts.

[Daleksatemyshed]

Even though women have jobs, houses and their own money I think a lot of men do still expect women to slot into their lives. He likes where he lives and his friends and hoped if you lived there you'd like it too and change your mind. Maybe he thought if you loved him you'd be happy living there because he was happy.
He wanted you to fit in with his life Op, you don't want that so I think this relationship will just fizzle out now

[Chersfrozenface]

OP, you say "He was quiet and had packed up my stuff and cleaned his house. He hadn’t lifted a finger when I live there."

Is it possible that he's upset about losing his domestic skivvy?

And has he cleaned his house to impress your replacement, either existing or intended?

[JamesPringle]

I think he feels rejected and is trying to end it with you before you end it with him. I understand that you were always planning to move out, but I think I'd be a bit sad and feel rejected in his position now.

The big question is, do you want to be with him? He doesn't really sound all that kind, and you sound like your interests and friend circles are very different.

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

we arranged for him to come tonight but not heard anything. I am going to assume no.

I think he may be feeling rejected as his out burst on Sunday suggests - accusing me of wanting a house and getting what I wanted. . Or maybe space has given him tons to think. He did say a little while ago we have nothing in common. But we do.

his active social life is going to the pub to meet pub friends. These people live in the pub, unemployed, single and most likely alcoholics. I have said to invite them round but he says they are only drinking buddies.

he always says a pub and that’s all he needs.

[Limer]

he always says a pub and that’s all he needs.

Bullet dodged in that case. Be thankful he's no longer in your life. Move on.

[Aquamarine1029]

He hadn’t lifted a finger when I live there.

He's pissed off that his skivvy has moved out, that's what this is all about.

This man is a massive twat, op. He's selfish and useless. You should be thrilled to be rid of him.

[Bookworm1111]

his active social life is going to the pub to meet pub friends. These people live in the pub, unemployed, single and most likely alcoholics. I have said to invite them round but he says they are only drinking buddies. he always says a pub and that’s all he needs.

It sounds like you've dodged a bullet! Why would you want to be with someone whose social life is so limited?

I wonder if he doesn't want to drive to yours because it interferes with his drinking time.

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

@Bookworm1111 he did video call me on Saturday to prove he wasn’t in the pub. But that it’s self was suspicious as it was only that point in time

[kelsaycobbles]

Do you really think you couldn't do better- that he is the best you can find ?

[Spirallingdownwards]

I think he got used to you being there and liked having a hand maid.

I think he may be jealous that you have bought your new home and can be independently him when he had got used to you being around.

I think you need to decide what you want and set it out to him. This is the new reality and he is in it or not in it. But don't let him leave you hanging on wondering whether he is or isn't.

[whatsitcalledwhen]

He hadn’t lifted a finger when I live there.

Why did you find this acceptable at the time OP?

Men who expect or allow a woman to do all the cooking / cleaning / childcare (any or all of these) fundamentally see these jobs as beneath them and therefore see women as beneath them, as they expect women to do those jobs rather than them.

Never be with a man who fundamentally believes you (and all women) are worth less than he is.

[Crazycrazylady]

I think you know deep down that this is not working for either of ye. I think it's clear that ye both just want different things from life .

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

I did the cooking and gleaning as I was paying no rent. I love cooking so didn’t mind this. He said he would help cleaning. We ended up with his jobs that didn’t get done much. However as soon as I moved out, he cleaned his house and sorted his garden out.

[Smokeysgirl]

I remember your other posts and how disappointed you were in his behaviour when you stayed with him whilst waiting for your new house. I think he enjoyed having you living with him, you cleaning etc whilst he just carried on as normal going down the pub etc. I really don't think he wanted you to leave and I think he realised he'd blown it with you with his behavior and that he should have made more of an effort whilst you were staying at his, not taking you for granted etc. It was his opportunity to impress you and he knows he's missed it. That's why he packed your stuff up and cleaned everywhere, to show you he is willing and capable of doing it, to almost try and erase his lack of effort whilst you were staying there. I don't think he wants the relationship to end, I wouldn't worry about that, I think he is just feeling insecure about where he fits in with your life now, it's like he's seeking reassurance from you by waiting for your reaction when he doesn't stay over, keep in touch as much etc I suspect he actually feels jealous that you are so happy without him in your new home, nearer friends, work etc Whether you want to give him another chance is entirely up to you, only you know your feelings for him and whether you are both suited with your different lifestyles. Maybe this has been a wake up call for him, the only way you'll find out is to have an honest discussion with him but it's up to you whether you want to continue with him or use this as the ideal opportunity to break things off and begin a new life in your new house.

[WallaceinAnderland]

Stop contacting him now. Let him contact you if he wants to keep in touch. If not, just get on with your life, enjoy your new home and assume it's over.