So confused

[snowlady4]

I have been with my partner 5 years. We rent together. Landlord is selling so we have found another house. No problem.
Around the time we signed, I started having dreadful anxiety about moving, committing for another year and about my relationship in general, to the point I'm considering breaking things off.
I have had bouts of anxiety like this before and gotten through it, but this one feels worse, like we actually might/should break up.
We are also due to go on a really special holiday together in a few weeks.
I don't know if it's all anxiety related- caused by moving (new house is more expensive,) or if something within me is telling me the relationship isn't right.
Can anyone relate to this at all?
I feel sick and sad all the time, can't sleep and just feel generally tormented to the point a breakup might be easier.
I have spoken to him about it all. He thinks I'd be foolish to theow the relationship away when nothing has happened-we were fine and looking forward to the year just a few weeks back- also trying to get out of the tenancy etc could be difficult.
Im so worried about everything. Just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation.

We all feel like that at times - see GP

Re OH - I get it, not just the move but shared AST and what ifs etc

If you feel you are good togther, then go for it and see GP.

I'm not sure how the renting, move and new AST can be manged if one leaves etc - I'm sure othe FM's will be able to help

BTW - have you had spells like that during the previous 5 years?

Anything else new happening in your life?

Thank you.
What is AST? What is FMS?
Yes I have had these spells before but not as bad.
Nothinh much else happening really.

FM's forum members

AST - Assured short-term tenancy

Thank you

Honestly I feel this about any long-term decision. And I've been married 15 years. It's anxiety I think.
I worried about booking a family holiday for in 18 months time. When we moved house years ago, I panicked that it further committed us... We were already married and have children for goodness sake. I am fiercely independent, to my detriment at times, and I think it's related to some deep seated fear of being dependent or beholden or something.
I don't understand it and it isn't something I could ever discuss with anyone else.
Unless you have a true gut feeling you shouldn't be together I'd consider it an irrational thought and crack on with life together. Ultimately if things fell apart, there are always ways out and ways to resolve things...no-one is truly stuck.

@NCNCfor24
Thank you for your reply.. it's really reassured me actually.
Practically, I know there is nothing that can't be sorted or 'got out of,' if needs be.
It's interesting you have been like this too. Feel free to dm if you want to talk about it at all!

Has anything happened, big or small, within the relationship that makes you anxious?

I get you regarding the new tenancy, its daunting having to uproot and move and also unpack and make the new place feel like home.

Has your work increased? is there anything that is causing the anxiety?

I completely understand this , I had an anxious breakdown over ordering an iPad on contract that ended in early 2027. I started spiralling, thinking how I've got no idea where I'll be in life in 2027.. so I had to send it back.
It's shit.. but relatively normal I guess. Especially when you already suffer from anxiety

There is nothing that has happened that I can put my finger on.. its more a general feeling of un-ease.
Holidays always make me anxious too- even though I love them! Something about being far away I suppose.
My partner is obviously upset and frustrated because, the way he sees it, nothing has happened or changed, we're moving to a nice house and have a good life.
Work is actually good.
I'm planning to move from where we are in 12 months time anyway- well, we were planning to as a couple. It's all up in the air now I guess.

@WhimsicalMoth I understand this completely.
I do have anxiety.. the gp recommends citalopram but I'm just not keen. I found it dulled all my moods before so I came off it.

OP, as other posters have said it sounds like your anxiety has ramped up because of the stress of moving and also possibly the pressure of the special holiday.
Try to stay calm and get things in perspective, maybe consider some therapy to help get your anxiety under control if you don't like taking anti depressants. Don't rush to end things, if everything else is good see how you feel after the holiday.

He thinks I'd be foolish to theow the relationship away when nothing has happened

So he thinks your uncomfortable feelings are 'nothing'? Is he Mr Respectful-and-Kind, usually? Do you generally feel heard and accepted by him?

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree, just sensed a hint of him perhaps minimising your experience a bit?

@Seaoftroubles I think I have to just go with it and see how it pans out. Have the holiday, move into the house.. and if things aren't right we will have to end it and cross the bridge of trying to get out of the tenanacy if we need to. I don't see what else I can do.. rash decisions aren't usually the answer and we actually do need somewhere to live either way. Rationally it feels like this wouldn't be happening if we weren't moving house.. everything was fine a few weeks ago. But emotionally, I feel something telling me that things just aren't right.
It's made more difficult with the increase in rent (same for everyone, I know, but new to us,) and also having minimal support around us. Most of the time its just us two, which is intense when things aren't right.
Unfortunately, I can't keep these feelings to myself so now telling him might have made the whole thing worse.. but if there's a break up on the cards, it's fair for both people to have warning about it.

@Watchkeys yes he's incredibly kind and respectful tbh. It's difficult for people to understand anxiety if they've never had it or experienced it. He's not dismissive of my feelings, its more from his point of view that nothing has happened, we get on, we have a nice life, he can't understand why I might want to chuck the relationship away.

@snowlady4 l do understand, moving can be very stressful but if you can to weather the storm just see how you feel when you are settled in your new place. Your partner sounds calm and supportive and if you have no other concerns about the relationship don't rush to finish things at this point. I would definitely try to get help for your anxiety though, l do understand as l also suffer and also don't like taking A/Ds. Therapy can help though, so please do consider it.

@Seaoftroubles
Thank you so much.
I think this is good advice.
Trying to change my mindset and be a bit more positive.

If we decide to split up after a few weeks or months in new house, thats ok. Not ideal by any means and I'm sure expensive but I don't see any other way to face it- other than pulling the plug on the move, cancelling the holiday and ending the relationship with immediate effect. We will both then have nowhere to live and will cause a whole new set of problems. It seems like that will be carnage for both of us and ultimately might not be the right route to go down.
Thank you, I am ringing my GP right now.

I completely understand where you are coming from ..in my opinion I think it’s anxiety due to all of your catastrophizing I suffer it to it’s worrying from one thing to another that’s all it is ..GAD I got help through talking therapy from my dr wish I done it years ago …enjoy that super holiday with your partner talk about what’s on your mind and try to come to a solution either by giving your relationship a time scale or getting help with your anxiety or both ..good luck ..I absolutely understand

@snowlady4 so glad that helps, it sounds like the best approach for now and you might well find your anxiety reduces if you adopt that line of thinking; after all nothing is set in stone and you can decide after the move and the holiday if you still want to make changes. As@Nicetobenice7says, catastrophising and anxiety goes hand in hand and makes you feel very out of control. See if the GP can refer you to talking therapy, l have found that very helpful in the past when my anxiety has been bad. Good luck!

That is so kind of you.. thank you.
It's so hard to see straight when you're in the middle of it all isn't it.
It's sad because I've put a downer on the house and the move and everything now.. but even if I wanted to hide it, I couldn't!
I think a timescale and help with the anxiety are going to be helpful.
It's also helpful to hear I'm not the only one who goes through this. It can be very lonely and isolating indeed.
And of course anxiety makes us want to rush things and have instant solutions.

Awwww bless you anxiety is awful and comes in many different ways from mild to severe…some ppl don’t take the time to understand ppl with this condition it’s really debilitating…I am a lot better since having talking therapy and have coping mechanisms which is great don’t get me wrong I still slip into catastrophizing and going from one worry to another that’s how it is don’t beat yourself up it’s part Of who you are you just have to learn to cope with it sometimes think before you react I know it’s hard but all your feelings sound like GAD the same as me …I was in denial for years but after getting diagnosed last year I can now understand why I am how I am and I except it more …go and enjoy your lovely holiday …the excitement of moving somewhere new ….I know I know it’s not that easy please keep us updated xx

I relate to this and found I was almost suffering from an anxious physical state then my brain was looking round to attch something to the anxiety.

I did find CBT helpful for managing some really severe attacks, but I also use around 10 mg of citalopram to keep it at bay. Otherwise I too can start waking up in the morning feeling sad and a bit desperate - and I find even though I know it's "just my brain" I get heartlily fed up with having to tell myself that over and over again all day long. A very low dose of ADs just keeps it at bay.

I wouldn't say I feel numb although maybe things are a bit muted. Tbh over the years I have grown to prefer it though - I can just get on with my life . I can (and do) still have very nice experiences eg lovely holidays, but the lid is thoroughly put on all the second guessing myself and everything around me. It's so much more restful!

@cancandycane222
Thank you.
Great that you have found some coping mechanisms that work for you.
I can understand what you mean by attatching your anxiety onto something. Perhaps my partner is the easy, obvious thing to attach it to! There's nobody else here anyway!
I really hope we can have a nice holiday and that things settle down. I also get consumed with worrying about 'what if/if not,' which is not helpful at all.
I am definitely going to come back and check in on here and let you all know how it pans out.

Have a wonderful holiday!

Have a great time ..yes please keep us posted

If he’s kind and respectful, what’s the problem?
Sorry to say it, but in his shoes I’d probably be looking for a new partner who can commit rather than someone who might flake out in 3 months time.

It sounds like you really need to explore ways to deal with your anxiety - therapy helped me a lot.