Heart is breaking. Need advice & support

[Sjay123]

Hello everyone.

About 2 weeks ago my partner of 13 years told me he wants to leave. He doesn't see me as a partner anymore more like a sister and nothing will change that. We have a 6 year old daughter together who is also autistic.

We have been 'unhappy' a long time, there's issues that I don't want to go into with intimacy that were long standing, and also we have both been through a hell of a lot of crap together. As well as raising our daughter who is wonderful but it has been very challenging.

It's never been a toxic household, we don't argue shout or fight. But it's not been 'right for a long time'. I do shoulder some of the blame, which adds to my feelings of guilt & regret. He is also far from blameless in terms of never communicating with me or making attempts at 'fixing things'.

Despite this I love him a lot, he's my best friend and I cannot imagine life without him. Our daughter absolutely idolises him and she's so content and happy in her home with us both. I've no idea how she is going to deal with this change and terrified I'm not strong enough to cope alone. I've done nothing but cry when she's not around and feel physical pain in my stomach.

We are waiting until May for him to leave as we have holidays booked and need to sort out finances. That's another issue as he doesn't have a high paying job or drive, I'm breaking my heart thinking how it's all going to work. He won't even have a place of his own she csn visit.

I'm trying to process my own heartbreak and fear of the future whilst being terrified for my daughter.

Anyone have any words of wisdom, or can tell me this won't hurt forever.

S x

[ZaphodDent]

You've put some phrases in quotes. Does that mean they are his words? Do you agree with those? Is this out of the blue?

Could there be someone else?

[frozendaisy]

So he's just going to go without putting in place a home he can have his daughter to stay?

Meaning he gets to make the decision to walk out and take no co-parenting responsibility?

He waltzes out to be free and single again?

I don't think so.
Have you not told him 50/50? Which means 50% of school drop.offs and pick ups? Or does he get to pursue hobbies, rest, new relationship perhaps, whilst you will be looking after both of your daughter full time?

Fine he can not be your partner but he can't suddenly not be a dad.

And you aren't angry about this OP?

I would take him to the cleaners and make sure he did his fair share of parenting. Perhaps he would understand you more if he had to do it all at least some of the time.

Honestly OP. Fuck this arrangement.

[Newnamesameoldlurker]

@frozendaisy

So he's just going to go without putting in place a home he can have his daughter to stay?

Meaning he gets to make the decision to walk out and take no co-parenting responsibility?

He waltzes out to be free and single again?

I don't think so.
Have you not told him 50/50? Which means 50% of school drop.offs and pick ups? Or does he get to pursue hobbies, rest, new relationship perhaps, whilst you will be looking after both of your daughter full time?

Fine he can not be your partner but he can't suddenly not be a dad.

And you aren't angry about this OP?

I would take him to the cleaners and make sure he did his fair share of parenting. Perhaps he would understand you more if he had to do it all at least some of the time.

Honestly OP. Fuck this arrangement.

100% agree with this. My heart goes out to you OP. The ending of a relationship like this can feel as traumatic as a bereavement. Be very, very gentle with yourself and lean on your friends and family to the max. I wouldn't agree to not separate until May and go on holiday etc- that sounds torturous. You never know, he might come to his senses after some time apart and want to work on things properly. Hugs to you

[Veryverycalmnow]

I know couples that co- parent amicably now a while after this kind of heartbreaking situation/ end of relationship. I agree with pp that he should absolutely not be excused from parenting just because the adult relationship has ended- forget work/ driving- he will need to sort all that out around your daughter's needs and make her the priority. I am sorry this has happened. Good luck- hope you have some support.

[FlannelandPuce]

I don't understand why he has said he wants to leave, but isn't going till May. I think after his behavior he comes back home from work tomorrow to find his stuff outside the house ready to move out.

[KirstenBlest]

He seems to be calling all the shots. Are you sure there isn't an OW?

[Member786488]

if you have to split, would it be possible to leave your daughter in the family home, and you both buy/ rent a small place you move into alternately while the other parents her at home?

this would give her consistency and stability at least, and ensure she is the priority here.

[Sjay123]

Thanks for your replies. My gut tells me there's someone else but he would never admit that. I'll probably find out in a few months which will hurt me even more. He is aways at home though so if it's someone else I'm guessing more of a phone relationship or someone he wants to pursue. He says he's wanted to leave for a long long time but hasn't been able to do it because of our daughter, he's openly said in the past that the way she is is far too hard for one person to manage yet now he's willing to leave, turn her world upside down and visit once a week. I am angry but right now more heartbroken and in shock.
I'd love to have the guts to just kick him out now, but that would also really mess with our daughters emotional wellbeing. We have a strict routine and any sudden changes can cause problems, let alone daddy's gone.

I sound and feel absolutely pathetic, but I can't eat at all I can't stomach anything, it feels like grief and that the life I thought we would have and my daughter has been taken away just like that. I have been doing my driving lessons this past year and I'm about to take my test, but now I know I won't even afford to run a car!

I fear I'm not cut out to raise her alone and that sounds horrible! I love her so much everyone knows she's the best thing in my life and it revolves around her I'm so scared of letting her down.

Not told anyone IRL yet, don't want to face it but I must

[KirstenBlest]

Big virtual hug and handhold OP. If you can, tell someone who you know will have your back.
If you want to diss 'DH' do it on here.

[Sjay123]

He's an absolute tw*t for doing this too us and u want to say it must be hurting him, but if it is he has a bloody good way of hiding it. Even just to see some emotion from him would help! I know he loves our daughter undoubtedly and has been a constant huge part of her life, but I could never ever just up and leave, ever. Unless we were in danger or it was a very toxic household, which it isn't in the slightest. Our day to day is fine, happy even. So it's definitely another woman and he's fell out of love with me after all we've been through, I know I'm not the first in this situation and sadly won't be the last, but I naively never thought it would happen to us!

[IsadoraQuill]

Sorry to read this OP. But you need to start getting angry and channelling it!

How dare he drop this bombshell on you and expect you to just go along with it. Kick him out now!

[Sjay123]

Well I told him its not acceptable and asked could he do it alone if I upped and left? He said well I'd have to, I said yes but it would be tremendously hard and you know that. I'd feel a little better if I thought he was going to be living close by and always seeing her but no, I doubt it very much. She is so sensitive and this is going to shake her whole world. Why are men(mostly) like this?

He has said of course it's hurting him and that's why he's hung on for so long, I wouldn't mind but if anyone would expect to be leaving its bloody me! I know damn well I've made a few mistakes in the past(never cheated) not always made time for us etc but I'm a good woman brilliant mother and not exactly unattractive, if anything he's reaching with me always has been!

But you can't force someone to feel a certain way I'm just devastated for our daughter, it is what it is x

[Seaoftroubles]

Where is he planning on living OP? Will it be with parents as you say he can't afford anywhere himself? If he is only going to visit her once a week then he will have to pay maintenance, he can't just abdicate all his responsibilities.

[Burntouted]

I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing. It could be that he's realized the relationship isn't working and needs to prioritize his own well-being. The relationship hasn't been healthy in a long time.

He's been unhappy for a while and stayed for the child's sake, but he can't pretend anymore. Even if you don't see your relationship as toxic, living in unhappiness isn't healthy.

Whether it's another woman or not doesn't matter; what's crucial is co-parenting and ensuring stability for your daughter. He may become more involved later, or he may not.

Regardless, if he chooses to step back, you'll have to carry on and take care of your daughter as best you can. I hope things work out for all involved.

[Sjay123]

He is planning on temporarily living with a relative or maybe shared accomodation as rent is too high. He will have to pay maintenance but that won't near cover our loss so our lifestyle with obviously be a big change too, saying no to extra curricular activities and so on.

I definitely feel it's not right to stay in an unhealthy relationship for children, I just wish he'd tried or spoke to me from the get go so we could atleast work at things to try and keep the family together. I feel like he's done all he's thinking in private then dropped a bomb. I'm not asking him to stay or begging for us to remain a couple(as much as I obviously want that) I'm angry, let down & heartbroken. I will have to get through it and I just hope he can figure things out to keep being involved in daughters life

I've said we should tell her together, she's only 6 but very very inquisitive but we're not decided on what to say exactly yet except daddy won't be living here but he will still see you and we both love you.

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

@Burntouted

I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing. It could be that he's realized the relationship isn't working and needs to prioritize his own well-being. The relationship hasn't been healthy in a long time.

He's been unhappy for a while and stayed for the child's sake, but he can't pretend anymore. Even if you don't see your relationship as toxic, living in unhappiness isn't healthy.

Whether it's another woman or not doesn't matter; what's crucial is co-parenting and ensuring stability for your daughter. He may become more involved later, or he may not.

Regardless, if he chooses to step back, you'll have to carry on and take care of your daughter as best you can. I hope things work out for all involved.

Edited

You don’t prioritise your own well being at the expense of your own child. See her once a week? She’s not a tv show. That’s utterly ridiculous. He has responsibilities and can’t just take off like that. Absolute nonsense, sorry. OP should not have to pick up all the slack. He needs to pull his weight when it comes to his own child and 50/50 is what he should do. Mothers are not slaves.

[Sjay123]

@ThisIsaNiceDress

You don’t prioritise your own well being at the expense of your own child. See her once a week? She’s not a tv show. That’s utterly ridiculous. He has responsibilities and can’t just take off like that. Absolute nonsense, sorry. OP should not have to pick up all the slack. He needs to pull his weight when it comes to his own child and 50/50 is what he should do. Mothers are not slaves.

This is kind of what I was trying to tell him, I would always put her happiness first so the least he can do is agree to very regular contact and just general help with her upbringing. When this all comes out I'm sure as hell he's family will be more than disgusted not that he will listen.

I get the feeling he's just so excited about this new life he's going to have and all the 'freedom' that sadly how his daughter is going to struggle is not top priority, heartbreaking!

I shouldn't be begging him to think of a way for more regular contact, according to him he's been planning this in his head for a long time so should have thought about moving somewhere closer to us. He's said he needs to I crease his hours to 50 plus hrs a week to afford to live. He works Sunday to Thursday so has Friday Saturday free.

Our daughter doesn't cope on public transport, busy times are an absolute no go and everything has to be explained to her beforehand and shown picture cards etc her being autistic 1000% makes this so much more complex.

[Sjay123]

I feel like a slave have done for years to be honest, he's a good man but has bad traits, as I've said I do deeply love him so this is far more upsetting to me as it's a heartbreak like no other, him being my best friend and the one whos been a constant through all lifes challenges is what stings, I'm going to miss that so much. I wish I despised him so I wouldn't be hurting then I could just focus on our daughter but I am literally barely functioning when she's not around. I know time heals and one day this knot In the pit of my stomach will ease.

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

The anger will come. He is not a good man. A good man would have thought it all through before putting you and your daughter through such heartbreak and at least have things and a plan in place to allow for a smooth transition.
he is a weak and selfish man little respect and empathy. See him for what he is, it what you want and hoped him to be. Your anger will come. Try and stay strong. Sending you hugs x

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

Sorry for the typos, I’m quite annoyed on your behalf that he treated you this way and was typing quickly. Don’t make excuses for him any more. Focus on your and your daughter’s needs and clearly communicate your expectations to him. Make sure he has her on the days he is not working. You will need time to yourself to recover and rebuild your life. He needs to step up.

[Sjay123]

Well we've spoke some more, he told me he has cried a lot when he's alone about leaving our daughter and I do believe it's hurting him. Upto now he has said he would come home Friday afternoons and have her overnight at our home & then take her out saturdays, to keep things familiar for her, however it's a bit awkward for me in the early days I could stay at a friend's or my sisters for that night, but long term it probably won't work.

He's mentioned video calling her of the evenings.

To add to this stress I've found a lump in my breast & have been put on the 2 week wait to a breast clinic, but I actually ate a meal today without that sickness feeling. Counting that as a win x

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

Well done about to eating, you must take good care of yourself now.
Him crying alone and telling you about it… bollocks to that… Poor him 🙄 he is selfish and self absorbed and you have obviously treated him too well for his own good up to this point.
Also bollocks to you leaving your home so he can spend time with his daughter one night a week. He needs to put his big boy pants on and sort himself out. Do not enable him, he is not your responsibility any more. Girl, you need to be harsh with him. Seriously. I know you don’t want to hear that but you need to. Let him deal with the aftermath of his choices. He is a grown up man with mentality of a little boy. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

The lump could be nothing. Don’t let it stress you out until you have it properly examined. Everything will be ok 🤗

[Sjay123]

Thank you I really do need to let him deal with, I've caught myself a few times thinking about where he's going to live and how he's going to travel etc but this is his decision, his move that he's clearly had time to think about. If he loves his daughter and wants to maintain that then he will come good.
I will be here every day & night like always with her to play & love, she will always feel loved by me!

I've started to feel anger today, which feels much better than the sadness! It feels productive so now I'm focused on getting our house sorted, he always was lazy and self involved when it came to the house. Never cared for it. The more I think about it, the more the rose tinted blinkers come off. I will miss having a family unit with her daddy to play with, I will miss having someone to confide in and the nights will be the hardest, but I can get through it x

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

You will get through it, I don’t doubt it for a second. Just prepare for a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions, but remind yourself that a better future awaits. A man who is so self absorbed was never going to make you truly happy. You will miss the good bits but remind yourself, this is a man who was prepared to break up your family and crush your heart… not someone you really want to share your life with. You’ve seen the good in him and focused on that, but he sounds awfully immature and selfish to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he realised his mistake but think carefully if or when he does.. sending hugs x