Relationship with 15 year daughter has deteriorated

[ICanBuyMyselfFlowers72]

Hi,

Not sure how to deal with this one but I am struggling to have any sort of relationship with my 15 year old daughter. She'll be 16 in June and has GCSE exams coming up.

Basically, she went from a lovely girl (smiley, happy, girlie) to being very sullen, kept out of my way and stayed in her room and downright ignorant. My 23 year marriage ended when she was 11. I had struggled in the marriage for years - sexless, no affection, big age gap, I wasn't attracted to him, loneliness - and it was me that called it a day. Both children (she has a brother 20) who blamed me and thought I was just being silly (I wasn't). Her brother became more understanding as I had a chat with him and explained my reasoning. He has matured into a lovely, caring young man - now at university and with a girlfriend. He spends his time split between university, my house, his dad's and his girlfriend's house.

My daughter, on the other hand, has gradually withdrawn from me over the last 4 years. I'm not sure if it's just teenage hormones (and she's being awful to me, as a result) or if she still blames me for the breakdown of the marriage. The thing is, I feel I can't discuss with her why I did it as she is too young to understand what I mean.

She hardly ever talks to me. Even when I take her out she just sits there staring at her phone and doesn't speak. It's quite upsetting for me. I'm a good mum and have worked hard to support both of my children (senior management in the NHS). In the mornings she will go into the kitchen and make her breakfast but shuts the door so I can't see her. She lives in her room. She is working hard on revision, at the moment, but she's been like this at least a couple of years that I know of. She goes straight upstairs when she comes in from school and insists on eating upstairs. I spend lonely nights on my own downstairs (I have dated on and off but she hasn't been aware as I've brought no-one home). I have no other family (parents and siblings are all RIP) so I am finding it tough. I took her to London for a few days a couple of months back and all she did was moan. I took her to Canada last year and she just didn't appreciate anything and was a grump most of the time. Her brother tries to help with no joy. She doesn't like him either! She hasn't wanted to stay at her dad's so I've had her 100% of the time with no child support (he said he can't afford it) and no free time from her. I rush to get home from work in the evenings and just wish I could get a break from her because of the way she is.

I have started booking myself a 3 night break every 3 months (as I'd crack up without it) and she knows she has to stay with her dad while I'm away. She doesn't seem to grasp that I need some 'me' time. Her dad is getting lots of free time and isn't dealing with a moody, miserable teenager all the time.

I returned from a 3 night trip to London on Monday and she is still at her dad's refusing to come home. Again, in a mood!!

I'm planning to take her away for a week when her exams finish (I can't tolerate more than a week away with her because of the way she is) but starting to feel like I can't face it. She is very messy at home. Never cleans anything and leaves a mess in every room she goes in. Again, I spend hours tidying up after her - another reason why I have started to enjoy my three monthly breaks!!

She is quite high maintenance in that she wants the best of everything. Latest iPhone etc. I pay for her endowment, phone (£54 a month) and she gets £50 a month pocket money from me and £50 a month from her dad. Never does anything for it though!

Is there anything I can do to improve this situation? My mental health is suffering (my job is also extremely stressful). I'm finding it tough not having any family to turn to.

[Egghead68]

What do you think she is going through? How is she feeling?

[supercali77]

In my experience what you're describing isn't uncommon in teenage girls.

[ICanBuyMyselfFlowers72]

@Egghead68

What do you think she is going through? How is she feeling?

She won't talk to me. I've tried.

[polkadot24]

I don't think she's too young. I think that now would be the time to take her out and explain why the marriage broke up - without slagging off her dad. Is she in her room with access to the Internet? Do you know what she's doing? I'd be concerned about her safety because teens NEED validation and they will seek it online, particularly if they aren't getting that at home. How involved is her dad? I'd be concerned for her mental health. Teenage years are a time of rapid growth and brain development, and this will shape her future, now is the time to have some rules, boundaries and respect for each other.

[CountFucula]

every day tell her something you like about her
every day without fail
she won’t thank you and she won’t acknowledge but do it anyway

[CrikeyDozes]

Don’t buy her nice phones etc if she won’t treat you with respect. She gets those things if she eats with you, chats, says hello and goodbye and acts like a normal human being who understands her impact on others. That’s the rule in our house anyway. Also no screens in rooms after 10pm, or before breakfast, and never at the table. screens allow them to withdraw from human interaction. However, these rules will be much harder to introduce now as opposed to at the start of teens/beginning of screen ownership.

[Octavia64]

Things you can do to improve the situation:

Claim cms from dad.

Stop paying for all her expensive things. You don't like her and it comes through. That's understandable at this stage - it's not unusual for teens to go through this stage. If you stop paying then you will feel less resentful.

Don't take her away on holiday. It isn't an enjoyable experience for you. Quite likely she doesn't want to go either.

Start building up some friends and other things in your life. Think about what you want your life to be like when she has gone to uni and start building towards that.

[Justsomethoughts]

Could you write a letter - keep it completely blame free and just outline how upsetting you’re finding all of this?
There could be something going on that is entirely unrelated and you have no idea- keep reiterating you’re there to support her.
Agree with PP re her not being too young to understand about your marriage. Obviously you know her best but I would think at that age most girls would understand.

[ChanelNo19EDT]

Teenagers, I had 2 and now my eldest is communicative agsin in her 20s. My son (17) what a brat. Its so tough. You have all of my sympathies. Carry on taking your breaks, good plan. Don't beg her to come back. What's the point? If she can talk to her dad, so be it, but I bet she's just sulking at his house instead.

[MiltonNorthern]

Let her stay with her dad for a bit. The detachment sounds fairly normal for a teenager but she's taking it to an extreme. She does get a lot from you materially - £100 pocket money and a £54pm phone is a lot. Do you think she's been a bit spoiled? Is she entitled because she's been given a lot? Could you renegotiate her allowances at the end of year 11?

[Pepsimaxedout]

What's the situation with her dad? Is it her choice she doesn't go or his? Because it's a bit shit and bound to have a negative impact on her if it was her dad's choice?

Other than that, she is your child, not your friend. You don't need her for company in the evenings or nice trips out. The iPhone and everything else stops. Dad can pay for that out of CMS he's not paying. She can earn her money.

It also sounds like you have a lot of unprocessed baggage about your divorce that you need counselling for. There is an undercurrent to your post that you left your ex cos you were miserable and you're still miserable now with your DC while ex has the life of Riley. If you haven't already, I'd find someone to talk to about those feelings.

[ChanelNo19EDT]

Also, when youu spoke to her dad, what reason did she give for staying there? Might be a clue? Or just pure anger directed at you.

All I ever got from my brat of a son was "I hate you" But no reason why. I asked why. Got nothing back. Just 'you're a bitch" Yes, but why? How? Luckily I know his hatred for me is all about him. If he ever communicates something specific I'll listen.

[user1492757084]

Do say something positive about her every day, that is a great idea above.
You could talk about general reasons why you separated but don't burdon her with details.
Do not replace her phone and have a talk about her getting a small part time job to pay for her own phone.
Make a chart of household chores.

Your teenager should be able to, for example, put her washing out, cook a meal for you both each week, clean the bathroom, vacuum her own room and put the bins out.
Becoming independent and skilled in looking after herself will build her self esteem.
Things will get better but your daughter could be suffering a depression that needs professional attention.
Do not allow her to eat her meal upstairs. Change the rules as she is not learning common manners. Tell her that there will be no more eating in her bedroom unlesss he is ill in bed. Sit together at the table routinely. Polite silence with music chosen by daughter and you is better than a moody disgruntled and ungrateful girl eating upstairs. It will be like training a toddler, Op. Stay consistent.
Organise a monthly outing with her brother and his girlfriend. You could all go to a water slide park, or a bush walk, a zoo, learn to sail etc. The connection with her brother should be nurtured. Your daughter needs an option of a friend in the family.

Also consider asking your daughter to accompany you on one of your 3 day holidays every now and again and ask her to suggest where to go. Once she is adult enough to join you she will agree; it might take a few months.. or years..

[Happyinarcon]

It’s odd that this behavior has been going on over 4 years and you have no information other than to say she’s constantly in a mood. It’s like you don’t know anything about her. If a child doesn’t want to talk to a parent, it’s the parent’s job to investigate and find out what’s going on or arrange counseling so the kid can at least talk to someone else. You cant wave a magic wand and just make your child agreeable and fun, you need to put in the hard yards and parent.

[Elektra1]

Teenage years are so tough and it can feel like it will never get better. Speaking as the mother of a DD who was very like yours from about age 12-17, my only advice is that it will get better. I thought she hated me. She didn't, she hated the world, and herself.

She's 20 now and about a year ago she turned to me one day and said "you always used to say we'd be best friends Mum, and I'm so glad we are now." I nearly fell off my chair. I now love being in her company and we chat about all sorts. She came home from uni yday and we sat and played cards for hours. If I could have fast forwarded to the future 3 years ago and seen that, I wouldn't have believed it possible. Hang in there.

[notanothernana]

It sounds perfectly normal to me. What I hear in your post is that you're perhaps lonely? When my dd was that age she was the same, but me and her dad are happily married. We would laugh about her sullenness as we had each other.

I echo what others have said, love bomb her. Don't pressure her to spend time with you and don't berate her for choosing to be in her room.

[Trickofthetrade]

@user1492757084

Do say something positive about her every day, that is a great idea above.
You could talk about general reasons why you separated but don't burdon her with details.
Do not replace her phone and have a talk about her getting a small part time job to pay for her own phone.
Make a chart of household chores.

Your teenager should be able to, for example, put her washing out, cook a meal for you both each week, clean the bathroom, vacuum her own room and put the bins out.
Becoming independent and skilled in looking after herself will build her self esteem.
Things will get better but your daughter could be suffering a depression that needs professional attention.
Do not allow her to eat her meal upstairs. Change the rules as she is not learning common manners. Tell her that there will be no more eating in her bedroom unlesss he is ill in bed. Sit together at the table routinely. Polite silence with music chosen by daughter and you is better than a moody disgruntled and ungrateful girl eating upstairs. It will be like training a toddler, Op. Stay consistent.
Organise a monthly outing with her brother and his girlfriend. You could all go to a water slide park, or a bush walk, a zoo, learn to sail etc. The connection with her brother should be nurtured. Your daughter needs an option of a friend in the family.

Also consider asking your daughter to accompany you on one of your 3 day holidays every now and again and ask her to suggest where to go. Once she is adult enough to join you she will agree; it might take a few months.. or years..

Edited

This is all easier said than done !

[Maray1967]

She shouldn’t be allowed to eat her dinner upstairs- I’d change that now. I insist on basic good manners m, but let a fair amount of ‘kicking off’ over revision wash over me.

My DS16 gets £5O a month pocket money out of which he pays his gym membership. I think £100 is far too much, to be honest, if she’s doing nothing for it.

I would ask her to explain why she won’t show a basic level of decency towards you. If it’s easier, write it in a letter.

[KalaMush]

Don't give up on her OP. Keep trying and hopefully she'll come around in the future.

[Lighteningstrikes]

There’s a time and a place for everything, so be very careful.

Do NOT stop the iPhone or pocket money.

She’s got her GCSEs, so do not rock her boat.

Let the poor girl get through this very tough time before you do anything drastic.


Believe me I know what you are going through and you really have my sympathies, but bide your time first 💐💐

[MonkeyTennis34]

I could have written this OP.

Except for the marriage split, my DD15 sounds very much like yours.

Just last night she was telling me I never stuck up for her (I do), I'm not on her side (I am when I am), I favour her brother (I don't).

I have 2 DSs who are and have been the complete opposite....straightforward, laidback, aged 17 and 26.

Like a PP commented, I always thought we'd be very close, as I am with my Mum, but I think I'm hysterically going to write off the teenage years and hang in there.

Love the suggestion of always saying something positive every day.
I read somewhere that although teenagers can seem to push the parent away, they're actually asking for support.
It's bloody hard though.

I hope things improve for you PP, even if it's just about how you view your situation and accept that it won't last forever.
From what I can gather, it won't.

[mumonthehill]

You just have to hold your nerve, keep communicating with her, show her love and give her space. I do think she needs to eat with you so I would enforce that as a must. She has had quite a lot of change and I do think you should talk to her about it. Even if you think she is not listening she will be. They do come back in the end, she needs you to be her constant and her safe place.

[Tillievanilly]

I would think it will improve with age. School is tough if she doesn’t enjoy it. I know my teen hated me for sending her to school. I don’t know if the separation comes into it. But will she talk to her dad if she won’t talk to you. I don’t think I would make her life harder by enforcing more rules. But I would probably start with her eating with you once a week and making it a family chat. Maybe start by talking about how you feel about the relationship without criticism. Does she have friends? Would she go for counselling. Keep doing things for you. Have you got friends and hobbies you can do more of.

[PithyLion]

How often do you tell her you love her?

[PithyLion]

meals and computer need to be downstairs