Husband wants to move closer to his family

[ConfusedDippy]

First time posting so hopefully it is ok!

My husband of 2 years told me at Xmas that he hates everything about where we live (in the Midlands) - the people, accent and the fact there is nothing to do and he wants to move back to his home town 2 hours away up North. He hasn't lived in his home town since he was a teenager which was 16 years ago. He has his family there, 1 school friend and 1 uni friend and his work is based in London. He has been wfh but his work have said they expect people in the office 3 days a week now, which has added another layer to things, as his company has an office in his home town, however he would still need to regularly travel to London.

We have also been TTC for 18 months now with no luck and have found out that I have a low egg count. I am 35 and my husband is 34.

He has been here for a total of 10 years and was already living in the city for 3 years prior to us meeting. He has now decided that he hates it and that his family being a 2 hour drive up North is too far. And the fact that there is nothing exciting to do where we live. He has friends where we live but he doesn't see them as being close. His other close friends are scattered all over the country but the majority of them are in the South (so closer to where we live now)

Very early on in our relationship I did make it clear that I wouldn't want to move from this city, so if that is what he wanted we shouldn't become serious. I have a job in research that I cant do remotely and I have spent the last 13 years building a reputation in. It would be very hard finding a similar, permanent position somewhere else as funding is very low. I also have all my school friends, family and family friends here. We also live in a house that I own. I would find it really hard to leave all of this to go somewhere where my husband only knows a handful of people and the level and amount of support isn't the same.

Husband packed his bags on Valentines Day (I came home from work to find that he had spent the day packing) and left. He wants to come back to our home to try and work things out. He said he would join clubs etc to try and make more friends here but I don't know what to do. Have totally parked the idea of having a baby now and postponed our fertility appointment. I just don't know what to do - anyone have any advice?! Thank you :)

Do you want him to come back or were you reasonably content with the reality of him leaving?

What do you want?

I doubt he’ll change. The lure of home can be a massive pull.

He will always want to be back up north. Sorry to say this but some people can't resist the tug of home. No amount of making the city you live in more attractive to him will work. It's just hard, for both of you. I hope you can find your way through it.

So you are supposed to be ttc and starting a new chapter as a family but he yearns for more friends and time to himself? Speaks volumes imo.

In the 10 years he has lived in the Midlands he has not made friends ( other than you) . What will he do differently?

Seems that you want to live near your family and friend network, and he wants his . That’s tough.

If you want to try again, in the Midlands, just be sure you keep your eyes wide open - it’s a trial, you may end up splitting in the long run, so ask yourself if that’s something you want to risk?

Mmm, as a rule, I'd say that there are often challenges when you both want to "go home". But you and your DH sound like me and DH, except the other way round. We met in London. We are both from somewhere else. I always wanted to go home. As our relationship got more serious, DH made it clear that he was 100% NOT moving. He had no interest in moving back to our home country and very little interest in moving anywhere else within the UK. He was upfront and honest about it.

I gave it serious serious thought before I decided that the relationship was important enough to me that I was willing to stay here. My only proviso was that I asked him to agree to let us talk about it after 5 years but, if he felt the same way, I'd accept it. ie, I wanted him to at least keep an open mind.

That was nearly 20 years ago and here we are, still in London (well, London-Surrey border). The only change is that now we are considering moving to the coast in a few years when the DC are grown.

Your Dh signed up for this. I am sympathetic to his desire to go home. But nonetheless, this is not something you lied about or that you hadn't both planned for. If you take him back - and be honest, did you miss him while he's been gone? - you need to be 100% in agreement that you're not moving.

Is this your hometown that you live in now? What's your support network like? Do you think he's feeling wistful that he does t have what you have?

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds to me like he's not just wanting to go home, he's looking for a different life that doesn't necessarily include you. I only say this because I really miss my hometown and have a great gang of mates, but nothing would make me leave DH to move back there. He is my home.

Do not move.

It would be a disaster.

A move isn't suddenly going to fix everything. You could very well find yourself out of a job and very isolated if you moved. Do not do it.

Perhaps if your relationship was more secure or there were job opportunities but right now? No.

Fix your relationship first (if that's what you want) and then readdress the move in a year or two.

You've only been married a short time with no kids. I would stay separated to avoid him making a claim on your house. Get to a solicitor for some advice.
I'm sorry. It sounds like you want different things. Don't let him shaft you.

I think there's something else going on with him, the move North is a red herring. Doing that makes no sense. Do you think deep down he's terrified about the next step - having a baby - or even doesn't want to have one as is putting obstacles in the way. I can see why you don't want to move to a different part of the country.

So you wouldn't just be giving up a job but possibly your career to move with no guarantee that he'd be any happier and life could be more difficult?

No

Sorry OP. It looks like he is finding an excuse to end this marriage rather than the REAL REASON ( not to be blamed). He could have his head turned or not, be it a life style or OW.
You said he packed his bag on Valentine’s Day. Where and who did he spend his Valentine’s Day evening with?
He is so determined to leave. That sounds like he has got something line up. I really do hope I am wrong.

Hi @nextcrapthing - he went back to his Mums house and has been there since, albeit with time spent in both London and Portugal for work. I really don't think there is OW, but like you say the lure of what he thinks his lifestyle will be in his home town. I just don't think he has thought through that being in your mid 30s is very different to when you are 18 :(

This is what I have been thinking since he left - I am not enough for him. It is just hard as I thought because he married me and wanted to have a baby with me that he saw a long term future with me in the town we live in. Surely you don't start trying for a family if you think the place you live is awful?

I have really, really missed him to the point of it physically hurting. 4 months ago I thought a stable, secure life with plans for IVF and now it seems I have none of that and my future is up in the air :(

I have to say that my support network is big and maybe he did feel suffocated by it? He doesn't have the same level of support - no one from his family ever comes to visit us (his mum has only been 3 times in the 5 years we have lived in our home and she is in her early 50s so fit and well) and even whilst he has been back up North he hasn't seen his Dad or sisters. My brother lives on Jersey and I see him more than he sees his family so I don't know if he left to prove he has that closeness to family?

It sounds like some couples counselling might help you both figure out what's going on and whether the marriage has a future.
It does seem that there is more to his desire to move, a fantasy of a close knot support network; or maybe yours is indeed stifling for gim.
Some proper open communication, saying the things that hurt but are honest is difficult but leads to understanding and the possibility of strengthening the connection, with the risk of leading to a split - but those conversations are valuable and needed.

I'd be focusing on what you want. Do you actually want him back? I mean, in reality, half-hearted about the marriage, unhappy, loathing your city, in completely the wrong place to have a baby with, rather than the fantasy version of him who loves it there, is fully committed to you, and on board for having a baby?

I think leaving you on Valentine’s Day but not the day after, he is sending you a big message. If he really does love you, he will drive back to see you every weekends and not just paying lip service that he will try.
I hope somebody here (men) will give you prospectives from men points of view that what your DH is thinking. You do need a closure to move on.
My take on this is the “ moving back to hometown” is just an excuse /distraction. The real reason he could be fallen out of love with you or even has his head turned by OW ( phone messages). Again, I could be wrong. It also depends on whether he is willing to go counselling.

Mid-thirties is still prime time for men and there are a lots of temptations in big cities in Portugal and London.

You are intelligent, well educated, got good career, good RLS and a house ( already on property ladder). Don’t sell yourself short! You have got everything except a husband! You can still find someone later.
Also, considering freezing your eggs, you will thank yourself later.

Would such a man enter into couples counselling?. Given what the OP had written re him I doubt it very much.

Why does he apparently want to move at all given that no one from his family has come to visit you people?. He has also not lived in his hometown for the last 16 years and so has some idealised version of it. Apart from family members his connection to his hometown now is tenuous to say the very least.

I remain far more concerned re the fact he moved out in February and has not returned to you. Do not let him dictate how this plays out- what are your intentions going forward?.

That sounds really awful for you. What a horrible thing for him to do, to leave on Valentine's Day. He's living in fantasyland if he thinks his life is suddenly going to be great back home - he hardly sees his family now, so why bother going to live near them?

Personally I think he's checked out and is off seeking new adventures. It's so tough for you right now but in a few months I think things will look a lot better.

It makes even less sense if he has seen his family so little.

I suspect he has tried out the ‘let’s go back home’ for a few weeks, has realised the grass isn’t greener and is trying to inch his way back.

The question is now: do you want him back?

Because I get how hurtful it has been to see pack and leave like that. But basically he told you he wanted to move and 6 weeks later just packed to go so you. And it sounds like he didn’t tell you about it in the first place either.
id struggle to trust him and the relationship after that.

Hi there - he did actually say last night is no point with counselling as all I would do is argue back and disregard his feelings.

He did want to move back to our home but tbf to him I said not yet as he hadn't experienced the humdrum of life in his hometown. I didn't want him coming back and the same thing happening again in a few months where I am told everyday how much of a 'shithole' where we live is compared to his hometown, when has hasn't experienced normal life there. So this is probably where him thinking I would disregard his feelings has come from?

Hello :) this is one of the reasons I posted on here (took a lot of umming and ahhing!) as no one I know has experienced something similar and my support network are going to have some level of bias towards me. Just wondering if your DH helped you settle and build a life for yourself where you live? Or did you do that of your own volition? I just ask because I have suggested so many clubs etc in the past and DH was never interested so I assumed he was content with everything.