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In despair at the state of my marriage and stuck abroad

72 replies

bluebells29 · 12/02/2024 15:13

I don’t know what to do. I’ve been with my H for 7 years, will have been married 5 this summer. I have one dd aged 9 who has no contact with her bio dad. She calls my H daddy and he has been in her life since age 2. We live abroad for H job (I also work here, remotely) and have an amazing life on paper; nice flat, holidays, no money worries, great healthcare, good savings pot.

But. I am just at the end of my rope with H. Things have been up and down with us since probably the first year we were together. We got together when we were late 20s and he didn’t find blending into my family easy, he had a strict dysfunctional childhood with an alcoholic bipolar mum and he had no experience with young kids. He is very strict about things like ‘answering back’ and I think his punishments are too harsh eg suggesting naughty step when she was barely 2 or confiscating favourite toys for ages. He always has been insecure about his role in my DDs life. It is something we have argued about for years, and most recently on Friday when we had a huge blowout because he feels DD doesn’t show him “any respect” (she’s going through a tough time at school and I think is a bit hormonal and she said she ‘hated him’, which he refused to accept was just something kids say and that I’d told her off appropriately for it.) This has happened for years, probably at least once a month, and he will storm off/sulk, be angry with me and accuse me of undermining him or not ‘listening”. For him, in arguments me responding equates to me “not listening”. He can be so cruel when he’s angry and worked up. Has called me a “shitty wife”, said I’m “not suited to relationships”, I “hate all men”, “have no ability to communicate” and I want everything my way. We have separated 4 times in the past 7 years for between a week and a month at a time, we had about a year of couples therapy to sort things out before we moved but after the fun of moving wore off we were back to episodes of sulking and arguments. I also got a little too close to a male friend (no physical affair) as I was lonely and even though I was honest with him about it and curbed it, now H will throw at me stuff like “you’re a cheater, you’ll always be a cheater” and uses it as an example of why I’m a shit person. He also hates that I chose not to wear a wedding ring and has yelled at me about it constant times. I have ASD and sensory issues and don’t even wear earrings, but now it’s become a stick to beat me with. We used to have great sex and a laugh and I loved him, but all that feels like it has eroded so much.

A couple weeks ago he told me to ‘get out’ even though my name is on all the household bills and it’s DDs home. He’s now said in an argument that he didn’t even want to move here, which involved upending all our lives 2 years ago and me leaving a well paid job, and he only did it because I wanted to (and I’m so controlling etc), and now he wants to hand in his 2 weeks notice and go home. This would mean a big move (planned probably by me as I had to arrange all packing/shipping last time), hauling DD out of school and her friends, and going back to the U.K. where we have no property or base. He also said he thought our marriage couldn’t ever work. Then the next morning he said he didn’t mean those things. I feel like I don’t know which way is up. I hate exposing DD to our issues and his moods. Should I just take her back to the the U.K. myself? I absolutely love it here and so does she but this situation feels so fragile. Since the most recent argument he has booked a therapy session for himself. He is trying to talk me round saying that in the U.K. we can build a “forever home” for DD, something I have not been able to do for her yet, and something I don’t have myself as my parents divorce was awful, the house repossessed and I grew up mainly in poverty and have little family now.

He is not all bad. He can be fun on holidays or when he’s in a good mood. He does the cooking and shopping and some DIY (but I do everything else.) But. He is a depressive and games in his spare time for hours and we have nothing to talk about anymore. He doesn’t take DD out unless I specifically suggest it. He has gained 2ston since we met and has bad dental hygiene and I don’t fancy him anymore- I would never say that- but we haven’t had sex in about 7 months now. I know it sounds terrible but I’m no saint though. But it just seems like he is unhappy and it’s leading him to act in a way he doesn’t even like. He also wants a baby with me and I cannot imagine it, much as I do want another, our relationship is so volatile.

Whenever we have separated I have always caved and gone back because he feels ‘safe’. But I don’t know why he feels safe when he hurts me (and DD) so much with his outbursts and moods. I’m scared of what comes next, and I feel like I should suck it up and let her stay here in school with her friends and her nice life, and make ways to accommodate H more so he doesn’t get angry so much. But I do worry that if he’s like this now, what will he be like when she’s a bolshy teen? She currently describes him as ‘grumpy’. She’s heard us argue a lot as we have little childcare and live in a flat.

We are meant to be going on holiday on Saturday for a week and I’m dreading it. Wtf do I do? Please help.

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momtoboys · 12/02/2024 15:22

Sounds dreadful. The separating and getting back together must be very unsettling. Can he go back to the UK and you stay in the US?