Daughters Boyfriend staying over

[HappFridays]

Could I have your thoughts and advice please
My 18 year old daughter has returned from uni for Christmas - she went to Newcastle boxing day to see her boyfriend and was supposed to return a week laterfor my father's 80th birthday but brought him back with her and they have been staying ever since. I said it was ok but I am really regretting this now. We live in a 2 bed tiny terrace - open plan living room so there is no where to go other than my bedroom if they are watching a movie. They have stayed in bed until 1pm/2pm. I went out yesterday for a drive and a coffee as I feel so uncomfortable in my home - sent her a text to say I would be home in 5 minutes - returned and he was lying on my sofa with no top on and had obviously been at it whilst I was out. I feel my daughter has no respect for my home and now I have opened the door of opportunity to them for the future. I did not want to look like a prude as they are in a relationship and have no where else to stay.

[HelpMeUnpickThis]

Wow it’s your home. Speak to your daughter and lay down your boundaries.

[HappFridays]

He stayed before Christmas and I made it clear that they need to respect my home - I told my daughter I was not comfortable with it and not to make it a regular thing as I also work from home. As it was the Xmas week and they wanted to spend new years eve together felt I had to say yes to him staying over. I had not budgeted to feed another mouth or put the heating on either.

[Rocknrollstar]

My house, my rules. Tell them what you expect.

[usernother]

Just tell her he's outstayed his welcome and he has to go. It's your house fgs.

[StrawberryPi]

I think it isn't clear how you want them to behave.... it seems you resent them both staying in her room (thereby giving you the communal space to yourself) but also watching films/lying on the sofa. What do you expect them to do if not one of those two things?

What does "obviously been at it" mean? Fully clothed/not leaving underwear, sex toys and used condoms around the house is a perfectly reasonable request, but from what it sounds like you were just sensing the vibe.... They are 18, and are very likely to be shagging - I don't think it is really reasonable if you to suggest otherwise.

Alternatively what you are saying is that you don't want him to stay at all. This is of course your prerogative, but you will have to be prepared that you will probably see a lot less of your daughter and means you will have little to no relationship with her current and/or future partners.

[retinolalcohol]

I'd expect them to be respectful in your home... but I have to say there's nothing inherently disrespectful about watching TV on the sofa or having a lie in. Him having his top off doesn't really indicate that they'd been having sex in the living room.

They're 18 - of course they're going to be 'at it' whether you're in the house or out. She's going to want to spend lots of time with her boyfriend and she doesn't have her own place - so it's either stay over at your house, or with his parents.

It's going to be one of the two. So whilst it's not easy (I hate having overnight guests), it's going to have to be something you learn to accept - or you'll see much less of your daughter

[HappFridays]

I am confused by my emotions and reactions. I know they are in a sexual relationship and have no other options but to stay here due to the distance - he lives in Newcastle - we live in Nottingham. Perhaps if the house was bigger and not so claustrophobic it would be more tolerable. I struggle for money so had not planned on having a house guest to cook for. It was a surprise and to see him on the sofa without his top on - I wouldn't want my daughter walking in and my partner to be topless on the sofa. The old saying 'not under my roof' comes to mind. Her father has made it clear they would have to sleep in separate rooms but he lives in a 5 bedroom house and has the luxury of space

[Peoplemakemedespair]

You’ve literally told them it was ok. And from the sounds of things you haven’t told them that it isn’t now that you’ve changed your mind. She’s not psychic. And you’ve not really explained what they’ve done that is disrespectful. If the extra food and heating is an issue with a guest then why say yes in the first place? Also you don’t want them in bed, but don’t want them in the communal room? Also you’re annoyed that they’ve waited for you to leave the house so they could have sex?

[Mrsjayy]

i just wouldnt allow him.to stay again its your house and they are abusing it.

[Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter]

Tell him it's time to go, it's a small house and you want your space back.

[Backinthedress]

Tell her you can't afford it. Tell her you need, at the very least, contributions for bed and board.
Hopefully the freeloading berk will bugger off

[retinolalcohol]

@HappFridays

I am confused by my emotions and reactions. I know they are in a sexual relationship and have no other options but to stay here due to the distance - he lives in Newcastle - we live in Nottingham. Perhaps if the house was bigger and not so claustrophobic it would be more tolerable. I struggle for money so had not planned on having a house guest to cook for. It was a surprise and to see him on the sofa without his top on - I wouldn't want my daughter walking in and my partner to be topless on the sofa. The old saying 'not under my roof' comes to mind. Her father has made it clear they would have to sleep in separate rooms but he lives in a 5 bedroom house and has the luxury of space

I can understand why you're uncomfortable OP because I even hate having tradesmen in for a few hours - if you don't know someone it feels like an intrusion.

Maybe have the discussion with your daughter to put some boundaries in place - no staying for a week at a time, can he remain fully clothed in communal spaces etc.

The 'not under my roof' is a bit unreasonable from her dad when they're both adults though IMO. It makes sex into a dirty, shameful thing when in reality we all do it. Your daughter is a young woman now not a little girl. As long as they're being discreet, it's not a question of disrespect

[Mrsjayy]

it doesn' t sound like you have actually told her anything just hinted.

[OpalOrchid]

@Mrsjayy

i just wouldnt allow him.to stay again its your house and they are abusing it.

I'm not sure how they are abusing the house?

[HappFridays]

Initially I thought it was just for a couple of days (new years eve) but it is all week. Cooked a Sunday Roast and daughter sent a text from her bedroom asking for it to be at 12.30 - then 1pm then 2pm - ended up leaving it for them to heat up and they hardly ate it. Found out daughter handed her notice in at her part time job so she can be with the boyfriend so yes I said it was ok initially but have changed my min with the events of the past few days - feels like I am running a youth hostel

[Mrsttcno1]

Maybe I’m the odd one out but I’m not sure what they are doing wrong here, or what you would want them to do differently?

She asked if he could stay and you said yes.

They lie in/stay in their room until 1pm, I don’t know what’s wrong with that? Especially because you don’t want them sitting in your living room either? So where do you expect them to be, after you’ve said he can stay over?

I think the reality is that you now don’t want him to stay over and that’s up to you, but tell them that then. It’s not fair of you to gripe about them being in their room out of the way but then also gripe about them being downstairs.

[Mrsjayy]

@OpalOrchid

I'm not sure how they are abusing the house?

well eating all the food lying about with no tops on expecting that staying for a week is fine, so not literally abusing the house just being disrespectful.

[SEG152]

If shes quit her job to now spend more time with this boy you need to be sitting her down for a serious chat.

You ca

[HappFridays]

@retinolalcohol Thank you - I am exactly the same, feel so uncomfortable with tradesmen in the house too. I think we are all the same with our homes and private spaces. Had a word with her and said now I am back at work it is time to move on and plan the next visit for when she is back at uni and they have their own space

[Bobbybobbins]

I totally understand your discomfort OP. This however is a situation that is not going to go away- either this BF or a future one staying over. So it is important to have an open adult discussion with your daughter face to face about what you are finding difficult, eg
-need to be dressed in shared spaces (I get this - you barely know him)
-contribution to food costs if over x amount of days?
-expectation to eat together or not?

[OpalOrchid]

But surely as your children grow up it's normal and natural for them to want their partners to stay over. It is their home too. And no I'm not the same with my home and private spaces. I understand my adult children will have relationships.

[Mrsjayy]

@OpalOrchid

But surely as your children grow up it's normal and natural for them to want their partners to stay over. It is their home too. And no I'm not the same with my home and private spaces. I understand my adult children will have relationships.

it is also "our" home and it is fine for us to not have bf/gf lying about the housefor a week.

[AgnesX]

Why can't they stay at his home in Newcastle or at her father's? Why do they need to be in Nottingham especially if you can't afford to have them both there?

[HappFridays]

We had an adult and frank discussion the last time he stayed over - I said I felt uncomfortable due to the size of the house and that I work from home - she didn't even have friends to sleep over when she was younger as the house just does not lend itself to it. Daughter understood and respected it. She said she was going to stay over at her dads house but suddenly changed her mind and put me in a difficult situation and felt I had to say yes to NYE. I have asked her if they can stay at her dads house for the rest of the week as I need to concentrate on work and get my space back - it did not go down well

[FrenchandSaunders]

When is she due back at uni? It must be fairly soon in which case I’d tolerate them until then.

When they return for the next holiday id have a proper conversation about clearing up after themselves, contributing to food and cooking the occasional meal etc.

You can’t say he’s not welcome as you’ll never see your DD. I do understand as my DDs boyfriend is here a lot and it changes the vibe having another adult here even though we like him. What I don’t like is coming down to a messy kitchen or living room when we’ve gone to bed before them.