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Original poster

My son heard me say I hate him

63 replies

RustyBouquet · 21/12/2023 01:46

I can’t sleep. Tonight DS (10) was really misbehaving and being awful to his younger brother. My mum has just passed away as well so emotions are running high. I went into the kitchen and said to DH “You deal with him. I hate that child sometimes”. Except DS had followed me into the room without me knowing and heard what I said. I feel awful. Obviously I didn’t mean I hated him. I hated how he was acting in that moment. I apologised straight away. I told him it was unacceptable for me to speak that way about him. I said I didn’t mean it and that it was said in frustration. I said I was upset with his behaviour but I loved him and always would.
I know I’m the worst mother in the world and expect to be told so. How do I begin to put this right though? What do I do?

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 21/12/2023 01:48

Oh love, you have dealt with it completely right. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. DS will be ok. Take care of yourself.

brainworms · 21/12/2023 01:52

Perhaps now he will think twice before being horrible to his little brother.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 21/12/2023 01:57

It’s okay. If you do love him (which you do), and the past decade of parenting has shown him this, he will understand that you’re just very stressed. However:

  1. don't over apologize. He will get suspicious!
  2. make sure that he knows what exactly you’re apologizing for. Make sure he knows that you don’t hate him, that you love him more than anything, but also make him understand that his behavior has consequences. This is different from him being responsible for your feelings! He’s not. But he’s not too young to know that pushing people can have consequences (as he’s learned tonight) and that he needs to learn to be aware of people other than himself. He’s ten, it’ll take time, but we all impact the people around us.
  3. Never, ever say it again. This was your one pass. You didn’t mean it anyway, don’t say things you don’t mean. He doesn’t deserve this uncertainty.

Sorry for the loss of your DM Flowers

Lilithlogic · 21/12/2023 02:00

I'd tell him you love him but you hate his behaviour at times

PeopleAreWeird · 21/12/2023 02:05

Male sure he knows its the behaviour you hate and not him

MulledWineBeMine · 21/12/2023 02:05

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum 💐

i would have said once 'I don't hate you, I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry. I am very very frustrated with you, I am fed up with your nasty behaviour to your brother. You are 10, old enough to know better! I expect better from you!'

Dont go on & on apologising or you'll effectively be giving him permission to act like a little shit..

momonpurpose · 21/12/2023 02:31

CrapBucket · 21/12/2023 01:48

Oh love, you have dealt with it completely right. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. DS will be ok. Take care of yourself.

This op. Give yourself some grace. Besides maybe it will make him realize his behavior was not on. He knows you love him. I'm very sorry about your mother. It's so hard when we lose our parents even worse at the holidays. Sending hugs

LaurieStrode · 21/12/2023 02:40

brainworms · 21/12/2023 01:52

Perhaps now he will think twice before being horrible to his little brother.

This.

Kids aren't automatically immune from censure. He's old enough to do better.

BananaSpanner · 21/12/2023 02:52

I wouldn’t do anything more tbh unless he seems distressed by it or is talking about it. Presumably he knows you love him, you’ve apologised and explained your comment. To keep going on about it will make it more of a thing than it is.

Be kind to yourself and him, you’re both bereaved. Give him a big hug tomorrow and tell him you love him, no need to mention the hate comment again. If he does bring it up himself, just reiterate what you’ve already said but don’t overdo the guilt, I don’t think it will help.

flowerchild2000 · 21/12/2023 03:08

You just taught him how to make a hurtful mistake, and how to make it right. You turned a possible terrible thing into a very good thing. One day he'll say the wrong thing and he'll know what to do in order to make it right. Just make sure you give him lots of love, remind him again it was a really stupid moment and the wrong words entirely, apologize again if needed but don't dwell. Make sure he know he can talk to you if it ever pops in his head again. Show him how to do right and not just say you'll do right. If you do that you're a wonderful mother and a good example of a healthy human for him. I think so many parents don't apologize to their kids or admit when they're wrong, and that's a big reason we have so many messed up people in the world. He needs to know you make mistakes. He will be okay. When my DD was younger when she wouldn't follow rules or whatever I would ask her if she didn't want to live with me anymore. Basically "if you're going to live in my house you follow my rules" but I said it in an incredibly effed up way. I might as well have said I didn't want her. I still feel bad. Especially because now I know she's high functioning ASD & ADHD. She did something really horrible awhile back too, I won't put her on blast. But we got through it and became a lot closer because we admitted we were wrong, talked it out, talked it out again, reassured each other we really love each other, and then didn't make that mistake again. Or at least showed we were trying really hard not to. Everyone messes up, it's how we handle it that matters a lot.

Mirrormeback · 21/12/2023 03:12

Just apologise and say you could never ever hate him because your love for him will always be unconditional no matter what

But we do say hurtful things when we are upset or angry and that you are particularly upset because your mum has passed away

Yazzi · 21/12/2023 03:16

"I'd tell him you love him but you hate his behaviour at times"

I get the idea, but just reading this made me remember how much I hated when my mum said this. As the person- especially child- receiving it, it feels like the person is finding a way to say "I hate you" without saying I hate you. As an adult I now get it- my kids who I love can infuriate me- but it's one of those phrases I will never use myself.

Mind you my mum wasn't great at showing love, so many I was placing it in the context of very little demonstration of love compared to explicit statements of hate.

strawberrysea · 21/12/2023 03:31

You sound like an amazing parent. My mother would've never apologised to me for something like that or taken the time to try and rectify the situation. I'm really sorry to hear about your mum xx

Topseyt123 · 21/12/2023 03:36

I'd just explain to him that it is possible to love someone very much but hate the way they are behaving. Say that that is what you were trying to say but in the heat of the moment it came out wrong.

Tweedledumdedum · 21/12/2023 03:47

It sounds like you've done all you can for now. He's going to be understandably rattled, so just be sure that your actions back up what you've explained. And never, ever, say it again.

Also did your partner not pull you up on saying that?

WandaWonder · 21/12/2023 04:02

Child misbehaves, hears parent say they hate them, child sudeenly thinks 'gee I better behave or my parent will not say she hates me anymore' that'll work

Ok sounds 'healthy'

It has happened you can't change that now

Isitsixoclockalready · 21/12/2023 05:49

There was no perfect parents out there - we're all (hopefully )learning, all the time. It's the classic case of saying "of course I don't hate you, I love you, I just didn't like your behaviour" and that's it.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 21/12/2023 06:19

Don't beat yourself up. You're a human, you said something in the height of emotion and you apologised.
Im sorry about the loss of your mum

Alondra · 21/12/2023 06:27

Luv, you are not the worst mother in the world, you are just a mom. We all say things we don't mean under stress.

You handled it like a pro. Apologised for your words, explained you didn't mean them but were frustrated by his behaviour. And then, reassured him of your love. Don't overthink this. He has forgotten it all by now, while you are left with the guilt trip.

5128gap · 21/12/2023 06:42

You leave it. The more you apologise the more serious it will seem to him. He will still take much of his cue from you, so if you keep acting like you've done him a grievous wrong rather than an instantly regretted one off error, then he will see it as a huge deal and dwell on it. You've said all that needs to be said on the subject, so now it's show not tell. Carry on showing him he is loved and put it behind you.

bumtrumpet · 21/12/2023 07:05

Yazzi · 21/12/2023 03:16

"I'd tell him you love him but you hate his behaviour at times"

I get the idea, but just reading this made me remember how much I hated when my mum said this. As the person- especially child- receiving it, it feels like the person is finding a way to say "I hate you" without saying I hate you. As an adult I now get it- my kids who I love can infuriate me- but it's one of those phrases I will never use myself.

Mind you my mum wasn't great at showing love, so many I was placing it in the context of very little demonstration of love compared to explicit statements of hate.

Same here. I heard "I love you but I don't like you" so often. It was really damaging.

Mikimoto · 21/12/2023 07:38

Don't you teach your children never to use the word "hate"? Maybe apply that to the whole household.
You're now going to have to deal with him thinking you prefer the younger sibling.

Pigeonqueen · 21/12/2023 07:39

I wouldn’t go down the route of the “love you but don’t like your behaviour” thing. If there’s been a death in the family he’s likely to be as stressed and upset as you are and I think it’s better to just say sorry and that you didn’t mean it and you’re all just very stressed and you understand why he’s struggling too (ie having a moment of bad behaviour).

Unwisebutnotillegal · 21/12/2023 07:41

I personally think 10 is old enough to realise that if you act up then people won’t like you. My gran died when I was 10 and I remember having compassion for both my parents who were both struggling with her loss. I’m sorry for your loss.

Nonplusultra · 21/12/2023 07:42

I’m so very sorry for your loss opFlowers
Losing a parent, even at our age is fundamentally destabilising so try and be gentle towards yourself at this time. You don’t really deserve the sentiments you’re throwing at yourself.

You did just fine. We all make mistakes, lose our cool or say things we regret. What you did then was try and make it right. Showing your dc how to build bridges is the absolute best thing you can do. Even better than being a perfect saint they could never emulate.

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