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Original poster

In my first relationship, I’m kinda exhausted.

34 replies

WhatDoIKnowAboutThis · 06/08/2023 06:48

Maybe.
I really don’t know.

I don’t know what relationships on average are like, but I’m just overwhelmed.
He talks, A LOT. About everything: his job, friends, about his mom and sister not getting on.
How much am I supposed to care? Does anyone?

He touches me, A LOT.
If it’s not holding my, it’s my thigh or my hair. And trying to move it towards sex, A LOT.

I don’t know what happened.
I knew him before, he was calm, not needy, quiet getleman, independent before we started going out.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 06/08/2023 07:15

It is usual to care somewhat about your BF's life. That you need ask may indicate you are somewhere on a spectrum- we all have different levels of empathy.
Also, a lot of sexual advances depends on your point of view, is it daily? How often do you see him? Of course he's not going to behave the same way now as he did when not dating, but what you want is what counts, not what a perceived 'normal' is. If you don't like it, say so. Maybe he's not for you, or perhaps relationships on this level are not for you in a general sense.

WilkinsonM · 06/08/2023 07:20

If you don't enjoy being with him for any reason you don't have to be. It doesn't matter what's normal for other people.

Wheatear · 06/08/2023 07:33

Well, what ‘relationships on average’ are like is irrelevant, surely. This isn’t working for you.

guineacup · 06/08/2023 07:35

Opentooffers · 06/08/2023 07:15

It is usual to care somewhat about your BF's life. That you need ask may indicate you are somewhere on a spectrum- we all have different levels of empathy.
Also, a lot of sexual advances depends on your point of view, is it daily? How often do you see him? Of course he's not going to behave the same way now as he did when not dating, but what you want is what counts, not what a perceived 'normal' is. If you don't like it, say so. Maybe he's not for you, or perhaps relationships on this level are not for you in a general sense.

Suggesting that the OP might be "on the spectrum" because she is questioning whether it's normal to care about all the incessant ramblings of her new bf is ridiculous.

You can care deeply about someone and their well-being, without caring what they are for lunch, or what John did in accounts that afternoon.

guineacup · 06/08/2023 07:42

Speaking as someone who's had many relationships, if you find you're with someone who saps your energy and is making you feel like you are, you are with the wrong person.

The right person will be a joy to be around and you'll feel settled and comfy in their presence, not on edge or irritated.

This isn't a LTB situation as there's no evidence he's a bad person, but definitely seems to be a "leave the man" situation as, however good he might be asa person, he doesn't seem to be the man for you.

guineacup · 06/08/2023 07:49

Of course he's not going to behave the same way now as he did when not dating, but what you want is what counts,

Well yes, there's going to be a sexual element, but otherwise I wouldn't expect someone to be completely different once I started dating them. If they were laid back and relaxed beforehand, I'd expect them to be the same personality characteristics afterwards!

Olika · 06/08/2023 07:50

If you feel like this then the person is wrong.

DustyLee123 · 06/08/2023 07:50

He sounds like a sex pest. Move on.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 06/08/2023 07:52

It's not working for you. End it.

TookTheBook · 06/08/2023 07:58

In my experience your tiredness and boredom and irritation is a sign to move on! With the right person at the start of the relationship you'll be excited to talk all night with them, you'll be interested in what they have to say, there will be sexual chemistry and importantly you'll be able to express your sexual preferences. Leave him and find someone else.

abyssofwoah · 06/08/2023 08:01

It doesn’t sound like you’re that into him. Move on!

mildlydispeptic · 06/08/2023 08:15

Sounds like he's starting to give you the ick, OP. Also if he's constantly on "transmit" hes not giving you a chance to get your needs met. If this is your first relationship, you might want to read the 5 love languages book (by a guy called Chapman) to give you an idea of what you need from a partner.

Coffeetree · 06/08/2023 08:24

In a normal relationship you should feel comfortable enough with someone to let them know you're a little talked out or touched out. Like with my partner, if I move away a little or pat his hand, he'll easily get the hint that I'm touched out and it's not a big deal.

Are you both very young?

Feeling exhausted by someone isn't normal in a relationship. So either he's obnoxious or you guys just aren't a good fit.

Lapflop · 06/08/2023 08:27

It might just be that you're incompatible OP rather than relationships in general being draining. I like time to myself and so does DH so our relationship works well for us, I've dated intense men in the past and it's not for me.

Original poster
WhatDoIKnowAboutThis · 06/08/2023 08:48

Thanks everyone.
I really didn’t know what’s been going on.

We’re not young, we’re in out 30’s.
I just never had luck before, I’m ugly and have never asked out before, so it’s all totally new to me.

I thought that perhaps my sensories were going crazy, because all of a sudden I had this guy touching me (no one ever touches me in any way, that’s how off putting I am) and I thought maybe it was confusing to my system.

OP posts:
Lapflop · 06/08/2023 09:01

I mean it could be that OP, but as others have said in a caring relationship you should be able to talk about it. I'm not saying say ew get off me or anything, but to respectfully say how you feel should be fine with someone who really likes you. I hate being tickled but instead of saying this to my ex I just let him do it and laughed along whilst inwardly feeling very uncomfortable. I eventually snapped and said about it to him and he was mortified and didn't do it again; all the hurt would have been avoided if I had just said. Also please don't put yourself down, or think you don't deserve someone decent because you see yourself as ugly.

gannett · 06/08/2023 09:07

There's no real normal in relationships - there's just what works for you. If you're feeling exhausted by someone else's relationship style, that's incompatibility - not necessarily that either of you are right or wrong. Some people are chattier and more tactile, others not so much.

It's important to feel able to communicate what you want and don't want to your partner, too. You're not always going to be intuitively compatible on every single level and finding a balance where you're both comfortable sometimes needs to be talked through.

Both these things are quite individual. Most relationships will have an element of talking to your partner about your day or your family issues, and hopefully an element of wanting to touch each other. And it's normal that you'd do those things more with someone who's your partner versus when they were just a friend. At the same time too much of either can be way too much!

I thought that perhaps my sensories were going crazy, because all of a sudden I had this guy touching me (no one ever touches me in any way, that’s how off putting I am) and I thought maybe it was confusing to my system.

This is interesting, it reminds me of how I felt in my 20s after an ugly-duckling adolescence. Being touched so much was a bit alien and jarring to me. So two things then happened - first, I learned I had to relax a bit to enjoy being touched. And secondly, I realised that regardless of this, I am still essentially not a very tactile person. It was about finding the balance that works for me, finding a partner who's compatible with that and realising that all of this is fine and normal.

catsnore · 06/08/2023 09:21

Maybe you need some space? If you've not had such an intense relationship before and you are used to being alone, it can feel a bit overwhelming. Have some time alone or away and see how you feel after that.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/08/2023 09:26

He sounds very normal
no red flags 🚩

but ! It’s irritating YOU
so on that level you maybe need a different type ??

EmmaEmerald · 06/08/2023 09:35

I can relate to some of this. I'm in a relationship for the first time in years and I do find myself thinking "why you are telling me this, I don't care" but I reckon it's part of the deal. My best friend does the same though, to the point if you ask what she's been doing, if the answer is laundry, you get a detailed description how of it went!

I like that he is constantly affectionate. But it doesn't lead to being pestered for sex. I have had a couple of times when I have turned down a gentle ask, but he's fine with that. Being pestered for sex would drive me mad.

I do find it emotionally tiring but I do miss him when he's not around for a couple of days. So I guess it depends how you feel overall.

Seaoftroubles · 06/08/2023 09:35

If it feels uncomfortable and overwhelming then listen to your feelings, they are there for a reason. I would slow things right down, you can say that it's all moving too quickly for you and then see how he responds.lts early days and you can end things at any time if you feel under pressure.

drunkpeacock · 06/08/2023 10:32

*I’m ugly and have never asked out before, so it’s all totally new to me.

I thought that perhaps my sensories were going crazy, because all of a sudden I had this guy touching me (no one ever touches me in any way, that’s how off putting I am) and I thought maybe it was confusing to my system*

Hmm, it sounds as if you feel you ought to be "grateful" for the attention because you're "ugly" so don't like to tell him what you want and need.
Is this his first relationship too?
Are you able to tell him what you've said here, in a tactful way?

If you do tell him that you need a bit of space, need it to not all be about sex, need him to listen as well as talk, or just be quiet with you and he doesn't respect your boundaries then yes it's time to move on. But it might be worth having a conversation about it first because it might just be enthusiasm/nerves on his part that's making it all feel a bit too much for you.

Prelapsarianhag · 06/08/2023 13:53

He's a boring twattish sex pest, move on.

WhiteChocMocha · 06/08/2023 15:16

He's just not right for you/ you don't feel much for him.

I care very much about every little thing my bf tells me and remember it, he remembers random little things I say too even though I tend to ramble on.

The touching part... He fancies you. He wants you. All the time. Sounds like you do not, or you aren't into that sort of thing.

Sounds like you really just see him as a friend and a different type of relationship would suit you better.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/08/2023 15:22

You can end a relationship for any reason at anytime.