Separated from husband, he no longer wants kids with me. Having trouble moving on.

[anoremac]

Husband (38M) and I (38F) have been together for 6 1/2 years, married for 2 years now. We have been on the same page about having kids together since Day 1. Although throughout the relationship, he had doubts about whether we should stay in the relationship leading up to marriage. I didn't hear any more issues/doubts since we got married so I thought his commitment-phobia was gone. We were excitedly telling family/friends that we'd start trying to have kids about 8 months ago. Then one day he does a 180 and started getting defensive when I tried to talk to him about actually working on a baby. Ended up getting in a huge argument. He had started to become distant, I thought because of some health issues. Turns out he was having doubts about us again. A few weeks later, he told me that subconsciously he didn't think he could have kids with me. That something was inherently missing between us, an emotional intimacy that he wasn't sure if either of us could fix. I asked him, if kids were off the table, would he reconsider? He said there would still be something missing. I asked him if we could do couples therapy together? He didn't want to do that and thought we could do our own individual therapy. I asked him if we can actively work on it? He said working on it means we have to kill the current relationship, get over each other completely, and then see if we still want to be together. Although even if we "worked on it" there's no guarantee he wouldn't have these doubts a year from now. He says he wishes we were in our 20s where we'd have plenty of time to figure it out, but he didn't want to string me along any longer now that I'm in my late 30's.

I had enough of this instability, so I moved out 3 weeks later. That was 6 months ago. We filed for divorce 3 months ago because he said that if I meet someone, he wouldn't want me to be hung up on the fact that we're still married.

The problem is, we have still been hanging out quite often. I tried to go limited contact and that seemed to help, but we still have things to wrap up (i.e. a car, a house, financial things, etc.).

One of his biggest issues he had with me during the relationship was that I didn't communicate with him enough to his expectation. I thought I was very communicative but thought I'd try harder. So I have been open and honest with him about how I feel, about the dates I've gone on, and he's been honest about the dates he's gone on. Despite my communication, he maintains his stance that he's in limbo and isn't sure what he wants. All the while telling me, I'm the only woman he's ever wanted to have kids with, he loves me so much, etc. He still wants to have kids. He says things like, if I can work on my communication then I will have him 100% -- the goal posts move a lot and this feels very conditional.

Well over the last 6 months, I started chatting more with a former male colleague of mine who I've known for 12 years. He actually used to be my boss, I worked with him twice for 4 years total. He lives in a completely different state (where I used to live). I discovered that he likes me back and we have great chemistry. Although when I knew him, he was in a similar marriage situation before for 13 years so there was never any inkling of mutual interest. He just recently got out of a 2-year relationship, so he's taking some time to heal himself. He's understanding of my situation and is in no rush. He also doesn't want us to be a rebound for each other. I agree. He has a 9-year old son and has always wanted more kids. So we are on the same page in all of those aspects and would be open to having them with each other.

My DXH had suspected I had feelings for this person before I even knew I did and had constantly questioned me about him. After DXH and I separated, he kept asking me if I had spoken to this colleague yet and I said not really. He kept asking, why not? He's handsome, he's successful, etc. I started getting sick of him encouraging me and asking so much, I finally threw in the towel and started talking to this guy more. I was honest and told DXH about the fact that I was talking to him more. He continued to encourage me, saying he was proud of me for talking to this person and exploring this option. This was confusing to hear my DXH encouraging me to date him. One night he even asked me if I was in love with him, and I said "I don't know, I don't really trust any of my feelings right now fully." He took that as a YES, and said "It sounds like you're on your way."

The very next day, my DXH calls me up, he is in tears. He says it finally hit him that he might lose me, that I would be falling in love with this person so quickly. He is so used to speaking with me often and having access to me. I told him it isn't fair that he encourages me to date and then comes back the moment I start having feelings for someone else, and he said "I know I know, I have no right." I told him I cannot live in limbo, that I have little time left and this is the consequence of the rest of my life we're talking about. The lives of my children and their children. Then he came over and brought me flowers and groceries. He was hugging/kissing on me. We ended up hanging out for several days in a row. Although I was having my own doubts by the end of it. It's been 2 days and we haven't really spoken much.

I am distraught now and unsure what to do. I feel like my DXH's actions and words are signs he wants to get back together, but at the same time, not. Now I have growing feelings for the other guy. I am also afraid that if I got back with DXH I may not be able to trust his commitment. Also, I realize that him expressing his love for me doesn't mean he has any interest in getting together, more so he is just coming to terms with the fact that I'm moving on. I don't really know what to believe that comes out of his mouth anymore, it just confuses me further.

My colleague asked me if DXH had tried to come back to me yet, because that's what his DXW did when she found out he was moving on. So I called my colleague and told him that's what just happened, that it was confusing/overwhelming me, that I needed to get my head on straight and close this current chapter before opening a new one. I told him I didn't want to hurt him, overlap nor rebound. He was very understanding and said likewise, he's just started going to therapy for his 2-year relationship that ended 3 months ago and doesn't want to rebound. So we've just been texting every couple days.

I really don't feel like I have much time left to be dilly dallying with DXH and his indecisiveness. I also don't want to ruin my chances of this new guy. Although I've known him for so long and we have been very good friends and colleagues, we have traveled the world together for work trips and have shared a lot of very interesting memories through our work. I think we both know it could grow into a very deep love with mutual respect and admiration. I don't think he would close the door on me for needing more time.

I am curious if any other ladies (or men) have been in a similar situation where they had to make the difficult decision to leave a long-term relationship because their partner changed their mind. Or if the partner made it difficult for you to move on. Or if you had fear taking that step forward with someone new.

I know people are going to say things like 'no contact' and 'wait until you're officially divorced.' No contact is impossible at the moment, but waiting until divorce seems doable.

[RosieShacklebolt]

Hopefully someone with more useful advice or personal experience will come along soon but didn't want to read and run as know someone indirectly going through similar (we actually know the guy but I'm incandescent on her behalf). If you can't go no contact (why is this by the way? Reasons related to separating? I don't know too much but can you not go through lawyers? Because there are no children tying you... apologies if I missed something in your post) can you go low contact instead? Certainly cutting off tearful phonecalls and not hanging out in person?! Now is time to stick to boundaries, yes therapy may well help with that!

New chap sounds lovely, taking it slow sounds very sensible, though it will be interesting to hear other wiser women's take.

I am so sorry your ex had messed you around for what seems like years tbh and I hope you find happiness, stability and peace and are able to start the family you wanted.

[Kedece2410]

Continue with your divorce & cut back significantly on the contact with your ex
Stop hanging out with him etc. Keep contact to a minimum

Hes not having regrets he didn't want your relationship but he doesn't want you to be with someone else

Youd be mad to stop things with your new man. If you do you can buy your life your exh will lose all interest again

Don't let him play mind games

[WhatTheHellIsAQuasar]

He only wants you now because you’re moving on. If you want children you can’t afford to waste any more of your life with your exh. I’d pursue things with the new bloke but honestly I’d set a time limit and if nothing was happening there look into sperm donation. Men will come and go but at 38 you might have to go it alone

[sevenbyseven]

Cut contact to the minimum necessary to sort out your divorce. Your ex is treating you very unfairly and is way too involved in your life.

[Thepossibility]

Tale as old as time, them not wanting you until someone else finds you attractive.
Basically means they don't particularly want you, they just haven't found anything better/willing.
These are the guys that cheat as soon as something better comes along, marriage and kids be damned.
Seriously I have an ex like this that still messages me so many years later, saying I'm the one that got away... he wasn't saying that until I was happily with my husband.
Move on, he wasn't marriage material to begin with!

[dolor]

Don't wait around for that selfish tosser.

Absolute MINIMAL contact, make that clear to him now, and go and have the time of your life with your new bloke.

[CockSpadget]

Your ex has been stringing you along for years, he isn’t going to change. Would you want to have children with such a person, Who has the potential to just swan in and out of their lives when the mood takes him? You will never be at peace in your relationship with him again, for fear of the next time he blows cold.
You need to cut yourself off from any emotional contact with him, and just stick to the necessary.
Even though the new guy is being patient, it’s still unfair to keep him in limbo.

[rwalker]

Sounds like you and ex husband haven’t been on the same page for a long time

you both want different things

it’s not going to work

[tackling]

OP; I don't know what's wrong with him (and it doesn't really matter anyway). This is your one and only life. You won't ever get a do-over.

If you stay with your STBXH now you will either be writing this thread yet again in a few years; be writing about how sad you are never to have had children; or be writing about how hard life is as a mum with an unreliable husband who's self-obsessed, not sure he ever wanted children, and likes to psychoanalyse things into nonsense.

For your sake, you need to stop messing around. Cut him off, stop trying to be his friend or girlfriend or whatever, get the divorce, and work on your new relationship (and your own self-esteem).

[AgentJohnson]

There really is no need for the amount of contact you have with your Ex. The version of him that is ready for fatherhood and the emotional maturity that comes with that, is not waiting around the corner.

The price of not letting your Ex go is forgoing a chance to be a mother.

[DominoBlue]

Seems to me your ex loves the drama of his indecisiveness. He enjoys the focus being on his feelings and what he wants. I think he gets a kick out of keeping you in limbo, not knowing which way he is swinging today. He sounds a bit of a navel gazer, obsessed with himself and his feelings. There's a lot of power in keeping you hanging on and waiting for a decision and that's cruel. He needs to decide and stick with it. I find it weird him encouraging you to pursue a relationship with the other guy, almost like he's using it to torture himself or to see if he has any jealous feelings. Don't you find it hurtful and insulting when he keeps saying he's not sure of his feelings for you? You seem so used to it you talk very matter of fact about it, like you are so used to him saying nasty things it's numbed you and you think it's normal to speak this way. Tbh I'm surprised you married him and I wonder if he's had you doing the "pick me dance" for the entirety of your life together.
He's self obsessed, cruel and thinks he deserves more. You need some counselling for your self esteem and to help you get enough self respect to tell him to fuck off and stop messing with your mind, your feelings and your chances of having a family.
Whatever decision he makes or your make, your ex with always flop around the place lamenting he made the wrong decision. His life will be spent thinking of what he doesn't have rather than enjoying what he does have.
Go no contact, get therapy and try a life with the normal bloke who sounds like he wants to enjoy your company. I wish you strength and happiness.

[KangarooKenny]

He’s keeping you dangling in the end of a string. One mention of a baby and he knows he could get you back.
Go very, very minimal contact while the divorce is happening. Then NC after. Move on.

[starrynight21]

If you've still got financial things to sort out, sort them out online or through a lawyer. You don't have to "hang out" with an ex to complete the separation. So yourself a favour and move on - this guy will never be there for you. He just likes dangling you like a puppet on a string.

[snowlolo]

It is hard moving on from a long term relationship. Really hard. Especially when there's not something explicitly awful that one of you have done, but you both just want different things.

The truth is though, you both made the decision to move on. I think you need to stand by your former self in that. The guy is obviously on the fence about you - do you really want to be with someone (and possibly have kids with someone) who is so uncertain about committing to you?

For me, even if he did commit, I wouldn't be able to completely trust it after everything that has happened.

I have had a similar-ish situation where I was transitioning out of a long term relationship and met somebody new a little bit too soon, before we were completely over each other. It was hard but I knew I'd made the decision to move on. I would have liked more space between the old partner and the new one but life doesn't always work out that way. As long as your new partner is understanding of the situation, you will be OK, just stand by your decision to end the old relationship.

[XmasElf10]

Don’t hang out with him, don’t tell him about your new life without him, stop hoping he’ll change his mind. Where is your anger? I’d be bloody furious. How dare he mess you about like this!! As you have found there are plenty more, much improved, fish in the sea.

[gannett]

We ended up hanging out for several days in a row

There's always one lapse into the passive voice, isn't there. OP you're trying to vaguely handwave over that sentence but you need to own that hanging out with an ex was a decision you made, it wasn't something that happened to you and it wasn't something you couldn't help.

Your ex is being extremely annoying. Says one thing, does another, can't seem to make up his mind about what he wants. Whatever. That doesn't need to affect your actions. He's your ex now, you've split up. Keep it that way. He's not your responsibility any more. If he brings you flowers politely say no, that's not appropriate any more. Don't let him kiss you FFS. You might not be able to go NC for practical reasons but you can exercise some self-control.

Also you're in danger of messing your new man around and drawing him into a stupid love triangle he doesn't deserve. Stop offloading about your ex to your new man. You think you're being honest with him but it just sounds like you're dragging him into your own wishy-washy drama where you can't make up your mind, ie exactly what your ex is doing to you.

[Dery]

Completely agree with @XmasElf10 Stop letting your ex mess with you like this! You can’t afford to waste any more time with this guy. Not a day. You said he had doubts before the marriage. He’s still having doubts. He possibly doesn’t want children at all but in any case he doesn’t want them with you. If he did, you’d have them by now. That’s all you need to know. He has time. You don’t. You don’t need to hang out with him to wrap up the divorce. Cut him loose before he runs down your fertility clock completely.

[Pictograph]

He's had 6 years to get this right - if he's still behaving like this it's time to draw a line. Otherwise he'll keep faffing about until you're too old to have a baby.

The comment "if you can work on your communication you can have him 100%" is an awful thing to say. Laying the blame firmly at your door without taking any responsibility himself, giving you hope but at the same time making it really unclear what you need to do by setting woolly targets. Yuck.

[Dery]

And yes - I agree with @Pictograph, he’s making this about something YOU are doing wrong. And it’s around communication which is very nebulous and you can’t see what you’re doing wrong anyway. Bollocks to that. Stop trying to jump through his hoops. Enough. He’s had 6 years to work this out. You’re 38 - you don’t have time for this bullshit. Cut him loose. Move on.

[Crucible]

He's setting up for a narrative that he was left by you for another man. That's just the take of a stranger on the internet. Good luck whatever you decide.

[OrlandointheWilderness]

C'mon now OP. Is this shit treatment really all you are worth?!?? If this was your daughter what would you say to her!? This will not end well and your happy ending is not with this sorry excuse for a petulant toddler who doesn't want his toy but doesn't want anyone else to have it either.
I say this in the nicest of ways, but give your head a wobble. If he truly, truly loved you then he would be with you and you would have kids.

[Dery]

Sorry to keep coming back but I know women this has happened to and it makes me angry for them: if you let him, he will run down your fertility clock then skip off and have children with a younger woman. Don’t let him do that to you.

[DecayedStrumpet]

Your ex has had his chance with you - several chances actually. He failed.

He sounds like a right bell end.

Move on.

[Reindeersnooker]

Your ex sounds so selfish.

[Fleur405]

Breaking up when you still care about each other is really really hard. But your ex is totally giving you the run around. Everything is on his terms. I think you need to cut/limit contact with him and not discuss your dating lives at all. He’s strung you along for years and now he’s stopping you from moving on.