Cheating boyfriend

[HippyM]

Hi all, I'm new here and signed up just so I could get some advice.
So just a little background first (sorry it's going to be a long post)

I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year.

Things have been amazing although we've had a few bumps in the road. He has a heart of gold and him and my daughter absolutely adore each other, they have such a special bond already. He cooks for us, helps around the house, runs me baths and looks after us when we need it.
But he is very insecure. He has had a very awful upbringing and he has had a traumatic past with his ex. It has left him very closed off and with trust issues. This means he never talks about issues that we have together at all.

He went out on Saturday night to a work thing and he ended up meeting a woman. They had been flirting and talking and he had told her that we were having some issues. She messaged him when she left and she invited him back to hers and he had full intentions of going but he didn't have the money to get there then back home (I'd seen the messages and the intentions were clear). I was completely shocked and heartbroken that he even contemplated it.
I broke up with him and packed all of his stuff up. He begged me not to leave him, gave me a sincere apology and broke down. He told me he would do absolutely anything if it meant not losing me. He recognises that he hurt me, he knows he is an idiot for throwing away something so special for one night of (almost) fun.
I told him that I needed a few days to make sense of everything and to clear my head. I said that when I have had a few days then maybe we can talk but it has to be a completely open and honest conversation and we need to get to the bottom of why he felt the need to cheat and we need to figure out any issues and if we're going to get back together we need to be as honest and open in our communication as we can be, and that he can't bottle things up. I said we need to establish some clear healthy boundaries to make us both feel secure and help build the trust back up if we do get back together.
My mam has called me an idiot for wanting to talk to him in a few days and see if we can figure it out. My best friend said she supports me in anything I do but she hates him now.
Am I wrong for wanting to try and patch things up and give him a second chance? I know it is entirely my choice and I believe that me throwing him and his things out may have shocked him into realising that I am serious about leaving. So if he really wants to be with me he will end up working hard and putting in the effort to try and fix it (I'm hoping) because he realises what he has lost.
I just wanted to know what peoples opinions/own experiences were and if it ended up working out? I know that 9 times out of 10 cheating doesn't just happen, it is because something in the relationship is lacking and needs to be addressed, it's no excuse no but it is the reason in most cases.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and TIA for any advice!

[Didimum]

"I know that 9 times out of 10 cheating doesn't just happen, it is because something in the relationship is lacking and needs to be addressed, it's no excuse no but it is the reason in most cases."

Umm, no – cheaters cheat because they decide to cheat. They cheat because they are people of incredibly low character. If 'something in the relationship is lacking and needs to be addressed', you have a hundred other options than to cheat – talk to your partner, schedule couples counselling, leave the relationship ...

I wouldn't even consider continuing with this relationship. I'd rather have someone who didn't run me baths but who also didn't cheat on me.

[Pinkbonbon]

I'd say you're right that cheating doesn't just happen but not necessarily about it happening because something is missing in a relationship. At least, definitely not in this scenario.

You partner PLANNED to cheat on you. We aren't talking about a drunken snog in a nightclub here after an argument or something. He actually told someone intimate details about your relationship, lied to them and planned to cheat on you. And was it his morals that suddenly stopped him? No. It was lack of transport.

I'm sorry op I know this isn't what you want to hear but you would be mad to forgive this.

Boundaries are something we set for ourselves. not other people. Personally, id hope my boundaries would be that anyone who pulled that bs with me, would be our the door and not coming back.

You cannot talk basic moral fibre into someone that doesn't have any. If something is missing from a relationship, it doesn't give you the excuse excuse cheat. Let alone, thought out, preplanned cheating.

By tqking him back and discussing boundaries with him all you are doing is telling him that your personal boundaries are not where they need to be. There's nothing therefore, to stop him from cheating again. Because his morals are not what they should be and you cannot fix that.

I'd say, keep him gone.

[Justcallmebebes]

I don't agree that for cheating to happen there must be a problem in the relationships. Some people just see an opportunity and take it regardless of what primary relationship is like.

If you take him back he will interpret this as having got away with it. Sure you were pissed but with a bit of space and grovelling on his part, you got over it and he'll probably do it again. As a previous poster pointed out, this wasn't a drunken snog on the spur of the moment. He planned it and put that plan into action and was only thwarted because he had no money to get to her

[Watchkeys]

I am serious about leaving. So if he really wants to be with me he will end up working hard and putting in the effort to try and fix it (I'm hoping) because he realises what he has lost

If you were serious about leaving, you'd be leaving. What he'll learn is that he can over step your boundaries, and you'll let him. How is he supposed to work hard to fix what's already happened? How is he meant to do that? He can't undo it. Whatever happens, this will always be in your relationship now, he can't make that history go away.

And he can't realise he's lost anything unless he loses it, which he won't do unless you end the relationship.

You're tying yourself in knots here in non-sensical efforts to forgive someone for doing something you don't actually think is forgivable. He pre-meditated being unfaithful to you, and didn't do it because he didn't have the bus fare. Is this really the definition of the man you want to spend your future with?

[stepuporshutup]

My current boyfriend already you are thinking he is not a keeper
Ditch the cheat

[Watchkeys]

@Justcallmebebes

I don't agree that for cheating to happen there must be a problem in the relationships. Some people just see an opportunity and take it regardless of what primary relationship is like

If they respected their primary relationship, this wouldn't happen. So the problem in that relationship is that they don't respect it, rather than there being a problem within the relationship itself.

[HelloHeathcliffeItsMe]

I would cut your losses. You say there have already been bumps in the road...you've only been together 12 months! Things shouldn't be so bad this early. I don't know why you're considering having him back when he's an insecure (oh, the irony!), broke cheat.

[tableanadchairs]

nope
planned to cheat
shared personal information
keep him gone

[erikbloodaxe]

He's shown you exactly who he is. A cheat and a liar.

Why is your bar set so low that you would contemplate continuing a relationship with this man?

He's reading you like a bloody book.

Your Mother, who is obviously much wiser, is spot on.

Accept he has no respect for you and at least have some for yourself and your daughter and move on.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

It has left him very closed off secretive and shady you mean

and with trust issues not trust issues OP, it’s called projection.

Proper men don’t need to be forced to act right.

[caringcarer]

I can see why your Mum thinks you are mad. She knows a leopard does not change their spots. This man does not love you he put you right out of his head when he thought you would not find out. Imagine you take him back and you are pregnant then you find he cheats again, because he will, what then? You can never trust a cheat. Move on and set your bar higher.

[forumdonkey]

You've been together less than a year and you say that you have already had issues. Your BF has told a random woman about these 'issues' and although you say he can't speak to you about issues, he can manage it with this woman.

He must have given her his number if she messaged after she left and if he'd got the money, he'd have gone to her bed.

You say that you have seen the messages, so did you check his phone?

Why are you making excuses for him? He's treating you like shit. He didn't consider you or your relationship that special when he was all over another woman. Why was you not in the forefront of his mind.

Get shut. LTB. He has no respect for you and you need some respect for yourself. You will never trust him again.

Sorry it's not what you want to hear but it's what you need to hear.

[Fairislefandango]

Listen to your mother!

[Staynow]

He's only really sorry because he got found out. Imagine that he'd had the money to get to hers and back and you hadn't found out. Imagine that OP. Do you think he'd be sorry then? Or would he be shagging her behind your back any chance he got? How come he could suddenly confide your issues to her when he can't talk to you?

Insecure people don't make good partners, they're either jealous, possessive and controlling or always looking for attention from others to feed their ego - and often both. That's what's lacking in this relationship - his self esteem and I promise you that you can't fix him so please, please don't try. Your dd deserves a role model with positive self esteem, don't give her the impression that this guy is good enough.

You can do better than this OP, this isn't how someone with a heart of gold behaves. He's shown you what a pathetic, insecure, cheating little weasel he is so please believe him.

[Tiny2018]

OP, I've been in two relationships with men exactly like this, the first for going on 12 years and the other I ended a few weeks ago after almost a year.

Both were so attentive and helpful, I honestly couldn't believe my luck. They did more than their fair share of housework and would pass me a towel to get out the bath, help me dye my hair, literally drop anything for me (which I wasnt actually a fan of because I'm incredibly independent, but still).

The first was often out til early hours, wouldn't answer phone etc, had some interesting reasons for being hone hours late from work etc and I found womens phone numbers in his wallet on more than one occasion.

The second did a right number in me as I genuinely believed I'd struck gold after my nob head ex. He appeared to pretty much worship me and every single kind if my friends said how lovely he was and how happy I seemed.

I noticed fairly early on however that he was insecure and passive aggressive, often making little 'jokes' about how I was probably going out to see my boyfriend etc. I ignored my gut, and he proposed last year.

Within a month it transpired that he was still online dating, though I stupidly fell fif his excuse that he hadn't realised you need to deactivate your account. One night, really late, he got a phone call whilst lying in bed next to me, but didn't answer it. I knew in my gut something was off so confronted him. Long story short it was his 'psycho' ex who deeply traumatised him with her 'mental' behaviour, but to cover for that gave me the name of another random woman.

I found random woman on his facebook and messaged her. Turns out they'd been on a date just before he proposed to me, and that's only one I know of, there'll be more.

He begged and pleaded to stay, in fact still is, but all trust was gone and frankly I cant stand the weak, pathetic idiot that he is. From what I can gather, hes told friends and family I was thhe problem and wasnt prepared to work on the relationship, which I shan't lose sleep over but still.

Get rid of him OP, men like this will send you bonkers, then you'll be the 'psycho ex'.

[Dery]

Agree with PP. @forumdonkey in particular has nailed it.

He has trust issues because he knows he himself can’t be trusted. 12 months in - that should still be your honeymoon period. If he can do this to you now, he can do it any time. It’s also bloody sleazy of him - you hit a rough patch and he’s off bad-mouthing you and trying to talk another woman into bed. That’s not how a decent man behaves.

[Ilosthim]

Forgive him!

And waste a few more years of your life until he does it again and then leave.

[SuziSecondLaw]

No way in hell should you give him a second chance. Sorry but your relationship is very, very early days, and he's being tempted to cheat already!? That's so bad.. As someone above said, this is the honeymoon period..
Even serial cheats generally don't cheat in this bit 🤦🏻‍♀️

He is bad news. You deserve better.

My partner takes amazing care of me, our ds, my two dc from a previous relationship, our 4 cats (he didn't even like cats) AND doesn't cheat...

Raise your standards.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Insecure people don't make good partners, they're either jealous, possessive and controlling or always looking for attention from others to feed their ego - and often both. That's what's lacking in this relationship - his self esteem and I promise you that you can't fix him so please, please don't try. Your dd deserves a role model with positive self esteem, don't give her the impression that this guy is good enough

Spot on.

[Pinkbonbon]

I'd be curious as to how this 'insecurity' manafests itself too. Because 9/10 if someone is one here mentioning a man with insecurity issues, he is actually just controlling as fuck and pretending its because of some bs drama with his family or ex.

So, eg:
If he doesn't like you having guy mates, it's not insecurity its control.
If he doesn't like you spending time with friends or family or tells you that they don't like him (making you feel as if you have to choose between them and him) its not insecurity, it's control.
If he accuses you of cheating or acts like he suspects it of you- ts not insecurity, it's control (and for him, also projection).
If he checks your phone, email or private social media messages, say it with me- its not insecurity it's control.

No ones past gives them the right to treat you like shit. It's not an excuse. If he can't ever trust anyone then he needs to be single. And if he cheats on people, he needs to be single. Its a HIM issue. Not a relationship issue.

[User1406]

Please please please just leave him.

He had every intention to cheat, and he would have gone ahead with it if he had the money to get there and back.

I do believe that sometimes people make mistakes and can be shocked into knowing how awful they have behaved, to the extent that they will never do anything like that ever again...... HOWEVER, there is no way to know whether or not he falls into that category.

I mean, could you really ever trust him again?

I certainly couldn't be in a relationship with someone who considers cheating when there's a problem in the relationship. There will always be issues. You need a grown up who is willing to sit down and fix it, not jump into bed with someone else.

[Poppyblush]

Leave him! He will cheat on you.

[Sofacouchboredom]

I am reconciled after an affair so I'm not a LTB poster.

But in this case I wouldn't be staying.

People don't only cheat because of problems in the primary relationship, this is absolute bs. They also cheat because of their desperate need for validation, because of selfishness and entitlement, because of poor coping strategies to stress, the list goes on.

Bottom line is he chose to cheat only a year into being with you. This is honeymoon period territory. He shouldn't have even been looking at another women let alone giving her a sob story and trying it on.

Once a cheat has crossed a line, the work to become a safe partner is bloody hard. The work to build trust is bloody hard. And most cheat again because they don't have the courage to face their own issues. I would cut your losses and throw this one back. I certainly wouldn't want all that work and stress around my child.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I really wouldn't invest time in hoping he can be better.

[UserError012345]

You've dumped him, stick with the decision. If you get back together you'll always be wondering and on high alert. All his words now are just that, words.

And......next time don't introduce someone to your daughter so early on. Then IF he proves to be not who he says he is, your decision doesn't affect her.

[TheQueensMarmaladeSandwich]

You have a child, you have a house. You are not leaving him, you are throwing this cock lodger out.
How did you even find out? Did he tell you about his dalliance? Did you find out some other way?? If he told you, why did he do that?? I'll tell you - to see what he could get away with and how much you would put up with.

Don't be a doormat for Christ's sake!