Husband wants to move, I don't.

[rootedhere]

Looking for some advice as we are at a complete impasse at the moment and feels pretty rubbish as it feels either way one of us is going to be miserable and I quite genuinely can't work out what's best for the kids as if I knew that I'd do whatever that is... apologies for the length of this...

We are a family of 5 - we have lived where we are for the last 6 years & have 1 primary and 2 pre school age kids.
We currently live in a lovely village, not far from my family (40mins drive). It's safe, it's friendly, we don't have to lock our door etc, pretty idyllic really. Kids have developed friendships and so have I. Eldest goes to the village school that has its failings, but overall it's good, and little ones go to a lovely nursery not far away that I trust and are developing great friendships. People in the village and areas around are my friends, some of them are now really good friends.

My family are not helpful when it comes to childcare as they are too old tbh, but we see them every couple of weeks and it's nice for kids to see their grandparents & vice versa.

There are loads of activities that my eldest does that they are v lucky to get to do, and wouldn't necessarily be able to do elsewhere. We have a lovely house, big space & garden which would benefit from some work, but doesn't actually need any really. If we were staying though, I'd do the work for us to enjoy the house more.

I work part time (school hours) in a job that can be done anywhere, husband works for himself in a skilled profession BUT it's not been going so well the last few years as he works long hours for less that he's worth due to the nature of what he can do as one person and it's getting him down as he's v capable and should be earning a lot more than he is. I get this, I do.

He is saying that he needs to get a job, and I agree. BUT then he doesn't want to get a full time one as there is a family business that he's likely to inherit at some point in the next 5ish years, (maybe sooner as it will be whenever his elderly father admits it's too much for him and that's v much a moving thing).

We are lucky that we have savings that are a cushion if we need it, but basically something has to change work wise as can't go on like this forever, as he's finding his work demoralising and we need to do more than just break even each month (and with fuel prices increasing we won't breaking even come winter).

SO my answer to this is that one of us gets a better paid job. There are some available for what we both do in the cities we are commuting distance to. I have said I could do this, with DH taking charge of childcare and working part time instead of me, but DH pride was v dented by this idea, and if I'm honest it's not the way round I'd want it, but someone has to!

My DH answer is that he wants to move somewhere approx 400miles away (still the uk) from here, to where he grew up. His father and rest of his family are no longer there (they have moved approx 200miles away in different direction) - but it's where he feels is 'home' . He feels that there is likely more work there (which is possible but not a given) and that it's closer to where he needs to be for the family business - while technically it's closer to the places he'd need to visit as part of the business, he wouldn't be visiting these places every week by any means and can do the actual work anywhere. It would mean though when the time comes to take it over, it will require less (occasional) commuting time from him. I think though that the family business thing is a red herring in many ways, as I think he just doesn't want to live in this part of the uk anymore.

My problem is that we (the kids and me) have a life here. I'd be perfectly happy to live here forever, I just want to put down roots and settle and not feel like the rug is about to be pulled from under me. I feel like DH hasn't really tried to settle here, he's never really socialised with many people etc, but maybe that's a man thing. DH thinks that he can't be happy here, and thinks practically he should be where he grew up as 'he knows it', but he hasn't lived there for 20 years. The family business thing wouldn't require him to work full time on it even when he does inherit it.

Either way he needs another job and there are ones available in the cities nearest us, I know, I've checked, but he's not applying for them as he doesn't want to be tied here. But then he's not applying for other jobs near where he grew up either. He's not showing me houses, researching schools etc, all the things that need to be done before moving 100s of miles. But I don't want to move, so I'm not doing it for him...

What do I do? I'm so tired of our life being on hold cause he doesn't like the current situation, but he's unable to show me how things will be so much better if we move. He's never once sent me a house listing to show me what we could get or anything like that. But anytime we talk about senior school for our eldest he says things like 'well I don't really want them to go there'. It all just feels a bit depressing. He doesn't want to be here anymore, but I don't want to move. I don't know anyone where he grew up - and it's not like he has lots of people he knows still there, there are maybe 2 acquaintances and they have their own lives. I know if we move it will be down to me to find new friends etc, but I feel like I'm too old now to go through all that again.

I love him, I do, but it's got to a point where I'm wondering whether we are just incompatible as we want such different things, I've told him if he wants me on board with moving he needs to sell it to me, but all I hear is why he's sad here, not real concrete reasons why he will be much happier there, just kind of existential stuff.

How do we navigate this?
If you've read this far, thanks, sorry it's so long!

[KirstenBlest]

Stay where you are. Your DH is using the location as an excuse, possibly is depressed. If he goes back to where he came from it will have changed

[Arucanafeather]

I agree I would not move in the circumstances you outline. I agree he may need some external support. Would he consider seeing a counsellor?

[thenewduchessoflapland]

So basically he wants to uproot his family and disturb your very settled lives because he's a fussy git who thinks he's too good for the jobs locally that are good enough for everyone else?

[PriestessofPing]

Why hasn’t he tried to scale up what he’s doing if he needs more people for more income?

I think he’s out of order to expect you all to uproot yourselves from what sounds like a great location and community in order to go after a vague promise of something better for him that is by no means a given.

[Delinathe]

Don't do it! He sounds midlife-crisis-y. I sympathise, but very often "going back" is not what people think it will be. He needs to think of your kids.

BUT then he doesn't want to get a full time one as there is a family business that he's likely to inherit at some point in the next 5ish years, (maybe sooner as it will be whenever his elderly father admits it's too much for him and that's v much a moving thing)

Why is that not a reason to get a full-time job? He can leave if/when that occurs.

He sounds generally unhappy and restless but moving won't fix that.

[AgentJohnson]

He can’t sell it to you because it’s about his feelings and there’s no real business case for his whim. Whatever he feels is missing, it’s unlikely that moving is going to fix it.

Stay put.

[BackToTheTop]

He hasn't got a job and doesn't actually know if he can get a job there or what salary he'll have.

It would be a firm no from me. Kids are happy and settled, you are happy and settled, yet he wants to move to a place that he has no family or friends in, for a none existent job

[WallaceinAnderland]

Don't move, that would be madness. He needs to find a full time job.

[romany4]

@thenewduchessoflapland

So basically he wants to uproot his family and disturb your very settled lives because he's a fussy git who thinks he's too good for the jobs locally that are good enough for everyone else?

Every word of this...

You are happy, the kids are happy and settled..
He needs to get a full time job and stop being a dick

[rootedhere]

I actually thought I'd be told off by everyone for not thinking more of his feelings, so I'm quite surprised how you've all said so far that we should stay put.

Further detail that might make a difference, that we would be very much closer to his family than we currently are, and he does miss them and I do understand that, but he's not even advocating for moving where they are at the moment.

Also, we have been together for almost 20 years, met while working in a city much nearer where he is from (2/3hr drive) but when we decided to buy a place we moved nearer my family as it felt the natural thing to do as we knew we didn't want to have kids where we were. He wasn't mega keen as it was a big move, but we both got offered jobs and we went for it... but at the end of the day he moved for me, and he's not really ever felt settled it seems and now he's basically asking me to do the same for him.

When we had my eldest we moved again from the city to the village we are in. I wasn't all that sure about village living as I'd always lived in cities, but he's from countryside, so I thought it would make him happier. (And it turns out I love it). So it's not a midlife crisis really, it's something he's been unhappy about for a while.

I feel like he thinks the move will solve all his problems, when I don't think it will. But maybe it will. Maybe it's been the problem all along? I just don't know.

[Loopytiles]

In your shoes would say outright that wouldn’t move, even if that meant divorce! Far too many risks for you and the DC moving.

DH sounds ‘is greener’ while not addressing his work/money troubles.

his business isn’t viable within reasonable hours. His ego might think he ‘should’ be paid ‘what he’s worth’ but that’s not how it works.

His dad’s family business may or may not be financially viable.

if your personal earnings are low would seek a job and sort childcare. Perhaps consider a move closer to jobs and good schools.

I moved areas for my now DH before marriage and would have much preferred not to. would ideally still prefer to live where I used to and we could both get jobs there but DC are v happy where they are, and there are lots of good things about where we are now.

[Loopytiles]

He’s not asking you to do for him what he did for you: it’s v different now DC are involved.

[greatblueheron]

I wouldn't be moving based on what you've described. Absolutely not.

[rootedhere]

If I shut it down and say 'no chance' I don't know where we go - as a couple - from there? I don't know how we get through this.

I think he is depressed, yes, but he has in the last few weeks said that that it's because he feels 'trapped' here. He feels unable to do what he 'needs' to do. I wish he'd speak to someone about it, as he doesn't speak to me about it much as clearly my point of view on it all is biased, but he just doesn't see where I'm coming from - all he sees is me not being prepared to do what will make him happy, when in reality if I actually thought that it would be a guaranteed way to make him truly happy then at this stage I'd actually do it if the kids school & nursery etc were sorted as this feeling of limbo is just awful.

[AdamRyan]

Based on your updates you need to talk this through as it sounds like he feels resentful about being where you are in the first place.
Maybe couples counselling?
I think if he is feeling resentful and you don't find out why/compromise it might end your marriage anyway.

[PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS]

Can you book a few days/ a week’s holiday in an air bnb in the place he wants to move to? Go and see what the area feels like now. Do ordinary things like swim at the local pool, visit local cafés or restaurants, take walks around local routes, visit his family who live close-ish. It’s not an exciting holiday I know but it will give you an idea of what the amenities and local attractions and day trips are like. You also need a serious discussion and housing and schools etc in the place your H wants to go to. Tell him this step is crucial for decision making and he needs to organize it if he wants to move - agree on the dates together first obviously.

[PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS]

*A serious discussion ABOUT housing and schools

[AdamRyan]

Also - if you were going to move now is the time to do it because it gets harder as children get older and more interested in friends.

FWIW I stayed where I live for exH and family because on paper it all made sense but it made me very resentful and I'm still angry because even though we split up, I had to stay in the same town and carry on with the same huge commute because of my children.

[rootedhere]

@AdamRyan that's my fear. I think he does resent me for the fact we moved here. He wouldn't have moved here if it weren't for me - I didn't strong arm him into it, but it just wouldn't have been on the table as an option if I'd have been from the same area as him.
When we try to talk it through we get nowhere. I will try to suggest counselling again (I did suggest it a while ago) as I think we do need help to see our way through this. He's a brilliant dad and a lovely kind man, and I do love him, but if I'm honest I resent him too for this uncertainty.

[caringcarer]

Could you agree to go on a holiday to where he used to live? If he went back you could ask him to introduce you to his friends. If he can't do it because they no longer there it make wake him up. Ask him what is it he likes about that area? I know my sister lives quite rurally now in South West but her DH comes from Cumbria and would love to move back because he apparently misses the mountains. They often holiday there as a compromise. He knows there is little work there he could do. She has told him it is something she would consider when they retire. Is this something you could entertain once DC have grown up and flown the best?

[girlmom21]

He wants to move for a job he doesn't have and a house he hasn't found.

Tell him the move needs to be plausible - if you can have the security you have now elsewhere, you can discuss it as a family. Until then, you'll stay put.

[Beenthere123]

I settled in a city where my DH was from and I didn’t quite mean to. Occasionally I’ve regretted it. It’s very hard to find a proper compromise where both people are happy in their location.

but In your position, no, I wouldn’t move and uproot the family for no good reason. You might need to support your DH in finding good employment now that makes him feel better. Good luck!!

[Basilbrushgotfat]

I agree with pp and think that there's an underlying resentment issue here which is being clouded by other things.

Don't move.

Not looking for a permanent job because he might be inheriting a business in 5 years time is beyond daft! None of knows what we'll be doing in 5 years time - when he signs a contract he's not signing his life away!

He sounds like he's trying to live now a possible future that may not even happen. He needs to focus on there here and & now.

If as a family you have a great life where you are and the only thing that is needed is for one of you to get a new job then do that. You can reasses in 5 years if you need to.

Actually, I've changed my mind...I think his resentment is more a symptom of his current unhappiness. He's decided that the only way he'll be happy is to do an imagined job 400 miles away. It's a fantasy.

I suspect he'll start to feel quite differently about where you live now if he simply gets a new full time job. He's pinned all his hopes of feeling better on an imagined scenario. Even though he moved for you originally, he needs to to start living in the real world in the here and now.

Make the easy change first - him getting a full time job where you are. It doesn't have to be perfect on paper, but it'll stop draining him and when he feels valued by his colleagues he'll feel so much better in himself.

[KangarooKenny]

Do not move. You and the kids will be miserable.