DP won’t go on holiday. Can anyone relate/would you do this?

[Beellabrella]

He’s great when we are actually on holiday. But…I’m absolutely sick and tired of trying to get him to go. Last time we went away, it was for two nights and took quite literally months of me suggesting things, hun barely engaging etc.

So I ended up planning more stuff with friends which I enjoy.

I’m five months pregnant and really want a week away abroad. I can’t face trying to get DP to go, I would rather not have the hassle. Would you go alone? I feel a bit worried being pregnant but also sad about not going anywhere. Friends are unable to go. It’s not a financial issue before anyone asks, he’s a v high earner.

So fed up :(

Why? Why won't he go. ?

@Signoramarella he probably would if I pestered him enough but I just can’t be bothered. He’s great when we are away but it’s not worth the energy.

I don’t know why he’s not bothered, he works a lot and doesn’t like taking too much time off, I think.

go on your own

I would absolutely go alone if you're really feeling the need to get away pre baby. Load up your kindle and enjoy!

Find a holiday you like the look of. Show it to him and tell him you are booking it for a certain week. Book it.
If he won't go, go alone

As above. Find holiday you like. Show it to him. ‘Let’s go here. It looks nice. How about a week in early July? Can you book time off’. Then just book the holiday.

I'm a man in a relationship and I don't like going on holidays with my partner either. Her idea of a holiday is to visit major landmarks and tourist attractions and to eat out a lot. My idea of a holiday is to veer off the trodden path and do everything on a budget. My idea of eating out being go into the nearest Lidl (they're everywhere) and grab a snack and eat it outside. With my method I can get to go to much longer holidays for the same money, and to cover a much wider territory and see the suburbs of the city I'm visiting up close. Even if I go alone, staying in hostels is much cheaper than staying in hotels, I get more nights for my money, and I get to interact with other guests much better. With her method is just anyone's idea of foreign city holiday with lots of pictures taken and posts on Facebook.

Ask yourself if his idea of a holiday is different than yours. Where does he go and what does he do when he's holidaying alone or with friends. If that isn't a match to yours then that's the answer. Otherwise I don't know.

Presumably you can't afford to waste money booking flights and meals for someone not coming. So I would say I have found this and will be booking it for the month of X. Let me know by Y date if you have want to come and have a week in mind. If not I'll go alone.

What I meant to add is watch out this isn't the start of you being the only one planning and going on holidays (UK included) with the children. I know lots of women who are essentially single parents because their husbands are too busy to take time off and do almost nothing except earn money. No love, affection or interest in family life.

Go on your own.

Be ready to have to do that too once baby has arrived.

@prohodilka the OP says he is happy once he is there though. It doesn’t sound like it’s the choice if a holiday that is an issue but the idea of going away.

Fwiw I understand that your idea of a hols is different than your partner. But I would have expected you to find a middle ground together tbh.

This was one of the nails in the coffin of my first marriage!

@SantiMakesMeLaugh Yes, you're right.

But I but if my partner asked if I was happy after going out for a holiday on her terms I'd not be terribly honest with her, I'd say that it was all right. So if my partner gets the idea I've liked it based on what I'd say, she'd be wrong.

Reaching a middle ground is very difficult. My idea of holiday hasn't changed since I was a young backpacker in my 20's, even though I'm now 50 (I only carry a lighter ruck sack nowadays, as my strength's gone). Her idea of a holiday has only got more mainstream and more expensive. She thinks sleeping in a hostel (it could even be a dorm) at our age is demeaning, and not eating out is depriving ourselves of "doing something different" which arguably we don't do enough of in our home town. I can't say, "fine, let's split for an hour, you eat out on your own, I'll grab a sandwich" because that then leads to sadness and even a discussion. So I reluctantly go along and try and not order much for myself. And so on and so forth.

(I'd rather not spend my hard-earned money in tourist attractions, hotels and restaurants - there are better things to spend it on or save it, IMO)

But this is very different from the OP. I'd better stop or this thread will be about myself.

I would go away solo DS dad was like this. Get used to travelling alone with your child. Tbh I think it's selfish of your DP.

My dad really hates to travel. There are social anxiety issues that he's spent his entire life kind of muddling through, but not really resolving. Also some physical health issues which raise the risk of him being really unwell if he catches an infection. Lifetime workaholic too, although he's getting better about detaching from work during his vacations now that he's in his 60s.

Mom loves to explore. She's really sociable and made peace (mostly) with the idea that Dad won't join her on most of her excursions. Dad supports her going on her own. Mom finds other ways to enjoy quality time with Dad when she's home, like getting a nice meal together or seeing a concert.

As for me, I couldn't stay with the ex who was reluctant to travel with me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm not as gregarious as my mother, so travelling alone tends to set off a lot of my own social anxiety. I've done it a few times, but even though it was an adventure, I also felt really lonely.

DH does like to travel, thankfully. We both have slightly different ideas of what a holiday should be about, but tend to meet in the middle somehow.

Ahh so he prefers work. Well be warned, risks being your life forever then. My ex never came with us and, when he did, he'd force us to leave early , waste money on booked accommodation. So he could return to work.
Now he's gone, we love our holidays just me and the Ds.
If you're happy with this. Book you're own trips . Fuck him.

Your idea of a holiday sounds like your a single person. Also not one with a child.

People need to find a middle ground as posters have suggested already.

Yes, married to a poorly organised workaholic here too.

We booked one recently but it took me reaching the point of breakdown to do so. We last travelled in 2019 and he views anything beyond a 4 night break as our indulgence. It's exhausting.

I'd been asking to book since October, I'd gotten so desperate that when asked what I wanted to do for my birthday earlier this year I said book a holiday. Tragic really.

I love to travel and it feels miserable having to beg your OH to spend time in your company, especially as I know he'll enjoy it once we're there. He also shirks all planning responsibility too, so everything falls to me and really sucks the joy out of it.

@Paprikapommes your post is exactly how I feel. Do you have DC?

I literally have to organise absolutely everything. I said to him the other day that even if he bothered to call up and book a nice restaurant in advance, at the place I had booked, that would mean a lot to me. So bloody sad.

I remember my holiday with DP when I was about five months pregnant. It was beautiful. Just a holiday rental in Somerset but it was really lovely. If he had been reluctant I think I would have gone alone, been lonely and resented him. What does he say when you say "how about a holiday?" Is it just the reaching of a decision on where?

@SummerHouse he just doesn’t seem to be interested. I have managed to get him to book a week off soon but it honestly took months - and I mean months - of asking him whether he had done it. The only reason I was able to let this one drag on was because it was to a family holiday home so no cost involved. Obviously it’s impossible to book flights etc if he hasn’t confirmed time off.

I really really resent him for it. I’ve told him this. Even the holiday home he seems indifferent about. I asked if there was anything he wanted to do in the area (uk) and he hasn’t even looked.

Do you know if he had family holidays as a child op, and what they were like? Were his parents at each others throats in the confines of a rainy caravan where he could hear everything and was scared and miserable, for example ..

If this is one island of apparently mean and irrational behaviour in an otherwise ok - and not lazy or highly timid and risk averse - husband, maybe he is afraid of holidays being very stressful? or alternatively, not ever good enough to replicate childhood bliss. He seems to have some weird block about them?

If money is no object, I would book the holiday for both of you, tell him when it is and leave him to it, he misses out thats on him

DB living in Spain and I want to go visit, DB & SIL want me to visit them. DH doesn't want to go. I've put off long enough because he always sidelined any plans I wanted to make. I've decided I'm taking youngest DD and going next year (they're coming to us later this summer). If he doesn't want to go, he can stay home and dog sit. I won't feel guilty about leaving the dogs then.

YES! My DH travels a lot for work, so when he has time off he prefers to just stay at home and can't be bothered with airports, hotels, etc. I understand where he is coming from, but I feel like I need to get away to relax otherwise I end up getting sucked into housework and boring jobs. He will come with me and like your DH enjoys it when he is there, but is completely indifferent to the searching, booking, paying, organising process. Everything I ask his opinion on just gets a shrug or a slightly sulky "don't mind". It is painful. Our kids are still young so I still want him to come away with us so I have an extra pair of hands, but when they are a bit older I'd definitely be happy to just sort something for the three of us and leave him at home!