Proposal in long-term relationship ....

[Lilalilo]

My question is does it happen?
I am 35 and my partner is 44. We have been together nearly 10 years. I feel I have compromised a lot. We have done things on his timeframe but I'm starting to get worried that we'll never be engaged or married.
When we got together it was a very slow burn and I was willing to take it slowly. Although I wouldn't hear from him for a week at a time.
After about a year we talked about moving in. I moved out of my house share but left in limbo as it took another year to finally move in together. And now for the past 8years that's what we've done.
In that time many of my friends have met their partners, got married, had kids.
We rent the same house we initially moved In to.
What should I do? I have always accepted his timeframe and have never pushed it, which is probably my down fall.
Do couples get married after such a long time?
I suppose there is a part of me where I feel envious of friends who have married in that time and seem to have a much more grown up relationship.
I also don't feel great about myself, I always felt he could do better and never wanted to rock the boat. He never compliments me but because I've put up with it I can't start complaining now.
I always raise the question of marriage and say when is it going to happen and they'll always be a jokey response as though I'm being silly for asking.
Thanks for reading

[PicsInRed]

This is the sort of man who leaves you at 50 and rapidly marries and starts a family with someone 10 or 20 years your junior.

[petalsandpearls]

There is no point in giving him an ultimatum. He doesn't want to commit to you otherwise he would of done so in the first 5 years of your relationship. Giving him an ultimatum is pressuring him into something he obviously doesn't want, this can lead to lots of problems later.
I think it is very exciting for you to be alone for a while and learn to enjoy your own company doing things you want to do. Feel liberated.

[oreo2020]

Not saying this is what you should do, but I left my boyfriend after 4 years relationship and him dragging his feet (we do not live together). Took him less than a month to come back with a ring and proposal. Men

[TheVamoosh]

Even if you do get married he's not suddenly going to turn into a better partner. I think you should leave him, you are not happy so what's the point?

[TheVamoosh]

In terms of children I would like them but my partner isn't enthusiastic so it's put me off thinking about it.

I always say are we getting married then? Or do you want to marry me? Or when are we getting married? And he's always like....pause....well of course.

End of conversation.

I felt so sad for you reading this. You are 35. Do you want to look back on your life and just see a missed opportunity? No children, because you spent your fertile years with someone who doesn't care what you want, knowing he can find a younger woman and have a kid when he's 55 if he wants to. Someone who doesn't want to marry you and just strings you along indefinitely too keep the peace?

You only get one life. Don't waste it.

[billy1966]

@PicsInRed

This is the sort of man who leaves you at 50 and rapidly marries and starts a family with someone 10 or 20 years your junior.

It sure does.

It happens more often than people think.

It has happened to a few people I know of.

They just wouldn't be told by family that he was wasting her time.

Met the new woman through work and had married her in 12 months and a baby on the way.

He had been adamant he didn't want children.......

My friend had warned her sister for years....no talking to her.
She's now late 40's trying to buy an apartment for herself.

My friend is trying to be sympathetic but she is irritated that her parents in their 80's are having to listen to all her sister upset and grief over it still a year on......she wanted children but gave up her chance🙄

[billy1966]

Oh and of course she lost her beautiful home because he bought her out as she couldn't afford it on her own.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

Yep, seen it happen dozens of times, too. The woman chose to give her agency to someone else and as a result winds up alone, too late to have kids, whilst he becomes Mr Family Man.

But no one held a gun to their heads and made them stay with a timewaster.

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

@rawalpindithelabrador

Yep, seen it happen dozens of times, too. The woman chose to give her agency to someone else and as a result winds up alone, too late to have kids, whilst he becomes Mr Family Man.

But no one held a gun to their heads and made them stay with a timewaster.

This is it. While I do find it a strange choice to decide to stay with someone who doesn’t want kids or who is future faking about kids or marriage when you want those things, plenty do for their own reasons. There’s a bit of infantilising going on in topics like this I find where it’s all awful evil man, wasting the woman’s fertility. No, she CHOSE to remain in a relationship very clearly not with a baby on the way or a marriage contract signed month and year after month and year. What she was getting from the relationship clearly outweighed the negatives, until it didn’t.

We all own our choices. I have plenty of respect for people who state (like this guy) that they definitively don’t want more kids. Their cards are on the table, they’re misleading nobody, and the other person has all of the relevant info then to make their decisions. It’s very different to the people who don’t want kids but keep saying ‘maybe someday’ to stay with someone imo.

[YerAWizardHarry]

Would you be happy if your life was exactly as is in 10 years?? If not then say your goodbyes.

[Enough4me]

This is still relationship of convenience. At some point one of you will see a better offer and go, likely to be him. He has years to still have a family so no rush for him.

I can't see why you are hoping he'll propose as he doesn't sound loving or fun!

[A1b2c3d4e5f6g7]

I don’t think this is even about the proposal per se. It’s about where you’re going as a couple.

It sounds like you’re not clear on that. Would it be possible to sit down together with a bottle of wine and talk about what you want your lives to look like in five years, ten years, 15 years etc? Then see if you’re on the same page. It seems like the proposal thing might be the wrong thing to focus on, because then he’s just saying ‘yeah of course, one day’. And discussion is over.

It’s scary, but if his vision of five years in doesn’t include children (and you do want them) you might have to consider leaving.

I’m the same age as you, been in a relationship about the same amount of time, and I don’t want to get married. But we have shared goals, have bought somewhere to live, shared plans for the future including travels and we are on the same page. We have catchups over wine every so often to ensure this is still the case. If this wasn’t, I’d be terrified to be alone again also, but I wouldn’t want to drift along and compromise on what’s important to me.

[billy1966]

I think most people think these women are very foolish.
They won't be told or hear what is clear to those around them.
They insist on staying and hoping.

But I do feel sorry for them because the price they pay is huge.

[category12]

I think it's partly the way women are socialised tho, to put having a relationship with a man as the highest priority and to value him over herself. Still. In this day and age.

Like in another thread, there are some people advising someone to see how it goes with a guy who has already said he doesn't want children. In real life, you get that more than on here, I think, because friends/family seem to want to see others coupled up even if it's not right. Maybe he'll change his mind and blah blah blah reassuring rubbish.

[Beforethetakingoftoastandtea]

We're pretty much married anyway. We don't even share a house together
Then you are far from pretty much married.

He doesnt want to marry you. He is wasting your fertile years. It wont be ling before your options have gone. Would you be ok with that?

What do you do for work? You could be the person who meets the live of their life and marries in 12 months. Stop wasting your time.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@category12

I think it's partly the way women are socialised tho, to put having a relationship with a man as the highest priority and to value him over herself. Still. In this day and age.

Like in another thread, there are some people advising someone to see how it goes with a guy who has already said he doesn't want children. In real life, you get that more than on here, I think, because friends/family seem to want to see others coupled up even if it's not right. Maybe he'll change his mind and blah blah blah reassuring rubbish.

Absolutely! Also malarkey like 'Love conquers all' and that men need to be trained or fixed and to give chances or see how it goes. It's all about valuing the man more than herself.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I don’t think the men are lying about what they want and don’t want. My friend who I mentioned upthread who recently emigrated was perfectly happy unmarried to his long term ex and really didn’t want children. He changed his mind when he met his now partner, after he and his ex split up, and even he doesn’t have a clue why.

I’ve got a friend who’s desperate for marriage and babies who’s with a man who told her early on that he didn’t. He’s in his 40s, wants an easy life, was honest with her. They broke up. She dated a bit, didn’t meet anyone great so they got back together. They’ve had 3 break ups since when she tries to convince him to change his mind, he refuses and gets annoyed she won’t let up, she promises it’s the last time and they get back together. She’s supported him while he’s been out of work for 18 months waiting for his dream job. They barely have sex. She’s highly educated, got an amazing career, she’s attractive, funny, she’s now nearly 40 and she’s still fucking with him. It’s mind boggling and I want to shake her.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

It's classic When Harry Met Sally, 'It's not that he didn't want to get married, it's that he didn't want to marry me!' Yep. But if you chose to hang round, that's entirely one's own lookout.

[PaterPower]

Sorry OP, but I agree with the majority of PPs on this thread. He’s wasting your time (or you’re wasting your own).

At 45+ I couldn’t imagine too many men wanting to become new dads (and if HE wanted kids he’d have got off the fence by now). Perhaps I’m projecting, but I’d imagine a lot of later life fathers become so more by accident than design

My DC are teenagers now and I’m late 40s. And much as I love them, the thought of resetting the clock and having another baby in the house now... and knowing I’ll be early 70s before they flew the nest? God no.

[Teapot13]

OP, a lot of people are saying to have a serious chat, give him an ultimatum. But he is probably not going to admit he doesn't want to get married. He'll try to say just enough to keep you from leaving. I think you should just leave. He has had 10 years to plan a future with you and he hasn't.