Proposal in long-term relationship ....

[Lilalilo]

My question is does it happen?
I am 35 and my partner is 44. We have been together nearly 10 years. I feel I have compromised a lot. We have done things on his timeframe but I'm starting to get worried that we'll never be engaged or married.
When we got together it was a very slow burn and I was willing to take it slowly. Although I wouldn't hear from him for a week at a time.
After about a year we talked about moving in. I moved out of my house share but left in limbo as it took another year to finally move in together. And now for the past 8years that's what we've done.
In that time many of my friends have met their partners, got married, had kids.
We rent the same house we initially moved In to.
What should I do? I have always accepted his timeframe and have never pushed it, which is probably my down fall.
Do couples get married after such a long time?
I suppose there is a part of me where I feel envious of friends who have married in that time and seem to have a much more grown up relationship.
I also don't feel great about myself, I always felt he could do better and never wanted to rock the boat. He never compliments me but because I've put up with it I can't start complaining now.
I always raise the question of marriage and say when is it going to happen and they'll always be a jokey response as though I'm being silly for asking.
Thanks for reading

[category12]

You really need to think seriously about whether you want children. If you want them, but he doesn't, you still have time to start again and have children with someone else, but the longer you leave it drifting, the shorter your timeframe gets.

[ravenmum]

I'm not prepared to leave or be on my own. I can't imagine starting again or how I'd even manage to meet someone.
If you sat down and thought about it, I'm pretty sure you could imagine it. I managed it in my 40s, why shouldn't you manage it before you have even reached the age by which many people settle down? You just don't want to face it because you are scared. But believe me, from experience - things are a lot less scary when you look at them properly under the bright light of day than when you vaguely half-imagine them in bed at night.

I'm in my 50s and seeing a guy who's not interested in marriage. Neither am I. Many people just aren't. If I do one day decide that I want something more permanent after all, I will tell my partner that with the full intention of us breaking up - even though I am a lot more keen on him than you sound on your rather disappointing friend. I'd only consider marrying him if he persuaded me that actually, he really was keen too.

Take your life in your own hands and you will feel more in control and more of a catch.

If that counselling wasn't helpful, try a different counsellor.

[Treebranch]

I had this conversation with my DH at the beginning. I mentioned marriage, he was vague, and I lost my mind! We had a huge argument. Because, why was he with me if he wasn't eager to get married? Like you, I'd upended my life to be with him. Anyway, we got married within a year. I mean, yeah, I didn't handle it the best or most romantically. But still. You mention marriage, he makes a joke (a joke!) and you just... what? You're just oh haha. Like, no! He makes a JOKE. About you, your life, loving you. How can that not enfuriate you?

[Lilalilo]

In terms of children I would like them but my partner isn't enthusiastic so it's put me off thinking about it.

I always say are we getting married then? Or do you want to marry me? Or when are we getting married? And he's always like....pause....well of course.
End of conversation.

[petalsandpearls]

I'm sorry to hear this. I honestly think you are wasting your time with him. He obviously does not want to be married or have children with you. He probably is simply settled living the life he has now with no real responsibilities and commitment to you. By the sound of things he doesn't believe you would ever consider leaving him. Give him the ultimatum. Marry you/children or get gone. Simple.
Please don't waste any more time on him, find someone who does want to make plans with you, marry, children etc.

[user195436581575]

This is really sad.

You're so scared to be alone you'd rather spend the next fifty years in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs and chips away at your self esteem?

You'll most likely outlive him. What life do you want to have to look back on at that point? What life do you want to have built for yourself?

[ravenmum]

Sounds like getting blood from a stone, Lilalilo.
I presume he's never said he loves you?

[category12]

In terms of children I would like them but my partner isn't enthusiastic so it's put me off thinking about it.

Come on now, OP, wake up! If you want children you can't continue to sleepwalk, letting your fertility window shrink.

[ravenmum]

Are you underplaying your wish to have children because you're trying to convince yourself it's OK for your partner not to want them?

[billy1966]

OP,

He's plodding until something that suits him better comes along.

He is quite prepared to take your youth in the process.

I agree with @Dery that he may have indeed gone for a younger as he was ambivalent about children at 35 and women his own age wouldn't have accepted his dithering.

OP, you will make your decision but I think you need to realise that you are most likely not going to have children with him and he is likely to not have any intention of marrying you or buying a house.

You could be giving up everything for someone who is only passing time with you.

I sincerely hope you don't bitterly regret your passivity.

I fear you will.

[Treebranch]

Or do you want to marry me? Or when are we getting married? And he's always like....pause....well of course

He said "of course". That means yes! You proposed, he accepted. That's great! Now go ahead and book a date!

[YouWontBelieveYourEyes]

As a pp said it sounds like you’ve been sleep walking through your own life. You’ve just bumbled along and will continue to do so. Before you know it another 10 years will have passed and you’ll be in exactly the same position.

And it seems like as you don’t want to be on your own you’re perfectly happy to just keep bumbling along without having any say in how your life pans out.

There is nothing wrong with being by yourself you know, being in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere is worse.

[avidteadrinker]

I feel for you OP. I mean this in the nicest possible way but please take control of your future, you should not be a passenger. If you want marriage and children this man will not give them to you.
I know it is scary starting again (especially as we are in lockdown) but you can do it and it can turn out for the better. If not, you will always wonder ‘what if’ you had made the jump to find a better life

[FortunesFave]

In terms of children I would like them but my partner isn't enthusiastic so it's put me off thinking about it.

You sound incredibly bumbly OP....in life, you have to go for the things you want. Just because he hasn't been enthusiastic doesn't mean you can't be.

Decide what you want...don't waste your life. You will be 40 in five years. He could up and bugger off at 55 or 50 and shack up with another woman and STILL have kids.

Meanwhile you'd find it difficult/impossible.

[Respectabitch]

Yeah, he's not going to marry you. He doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't want to have children with you. Staying with him means giving up those things, until of course he leaves you for someone else he DOES marry when it's too late for you to have children.

That's what staying with him means. Is he worth it?

You really need and deserve to get mad. He is pissing your future away. He's literally making a joke of your legitimate wants and needs. Serious question: why doesn't that make you angry?

Yes, sometimes couples get married after a long time together, usually when both were happy with an unmarried status but then something changes to make married status preferential - maybe they have a DC or realise how much easier estate planning is or one of them becomes very ill. But in situations like yours where one partner has been making it clear for years that they don't want marriage or children, no, he is not one day going to just propose. Or if he does... It'll be to someone else. Seen it a million times, on here and IRL.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You’re staying with him because you’re worried if you give him an ultimatum and leave him he’ll meet someone else and marry her instead? What does that say about your relationship?! And you can’t stop him doing that even if you do decide to settle for now. You’re right, plenty of men hang around not committing to their girlfriends for ages then meet someone else and get married quickly. A friend was with his ex for 17 years, never want to get married or have children with her and they eventually split up over it. Not sure why she hung on so long. 6 months later he met someone else, they moved in together a few months later, got engaged and have emigrated for her job. He’s despetate to make lots of babies with her asap.

[Dery]

“In terms of children I would like them but my partner isn't enthusiastic so it's put me off thinking about it.

Come on now, OP, wake up! If you want children you can't continue to sleepwalk, letting your fertility window shrink.”

This with bells on, OP.

Also this:

“OP, you will make your decision but I think you need to realise that you are most likely not going to have children with him and he is likely to not have any intention of marrying you or buying a house.

You could be giving up everything for someone who is only passing time with you.

I sincerely hope you don't bitterly regret your passivity.”

[Dery]

What’s made you so scared of living, OP?

[billy1966]

@AnneLovesGilbert

You’re staying with him because you’re worried if you give him an ultimatum and leave him he’ll meet someone else and marry her instead? What does that say about your relationship?! And you can’t stop him doing that even if you do decide to settle for now. You’re right, plenty of men hang around not committing to their girlfriends for ages then meet someone else and get married quickly. A friend was with his ex for 17 years, never want to get married or have children with her and they eventually split up over it. Not sure why she hung on so long. 6 months later he met someone else, they moved in together a few months later, got engaged and have emigrated for her job. He’s despetate to make lots of babies with her asap.

I have heard a version of this dozens of times in my lifetime.

Basically its not that they dont want marriage, house, children with anyone....they don't want it with you...

Then suddenly all bets are off and they meet a person and want all of those things within months.

Just awful on the women whose future has been used and discarded.

[Treebranch]

Make him say it. Book at the registry office, draft out a list of people you're going to notify. Print out the forms, or whatever. Push him up to the edge of the cliff, so to speak. Then, he'll either marry you or he'll say no. Then at least you'll know, OP.

[Dery]

Posted too soon:

What’s making you cling to a relationship that’s never really fired you up? What’s making you so scared of going it alone? What’s making you so willing to risk losing the chance to have children rather than face having a difficult conversation with your partner or striking out on your own? What’s turned you into a passenger in your own life?

OP - you’re not 25 any more - you’re in your mid-30s. It’s time to get to grips with these issues.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Just awful on the women whose future has been used and discarded.

It is. But no one is making them stay and sell themselves short for a man who won’t give them what they want. People have to own their choices.

[AnotherEmma]

You sound so passive. Take charge of your own life! This man doesn't want to marry you or have children with you. Walk away. You should have done it years ago but better late than never. Being alone would be better than being with him.

If having children is important to you, you can't waste another minute with him.

[Enquirer20]

“I've always consoled myself that it's about the amount of time together and not grand gestures.”

It’s about neither of these things, it’s about the quality of the relationship. Is yours really good enough to continue at the moment, married or not?