Proposal in long-term relationship ....

[Lilalilo]

My question is does it happen?
I am 35 and my partner is 44. We have been together nearly 10 years. I feel I have compromised a lot. We have done things on his timeframe but I'm starting to get worried that we'll never be engaged or married.
When we got together it was a very slow burn and I was willing to take it slowly. Although I wouldn't hear from him for a week at a time.
After about a year we talked about moving in. I moved out of my house share but left in limbo as it took another year to finally move in together. And now for the past 8years that's what we've done.
In that time many of my friends have met their partners, got married, had kids.
We rent the same house we initially moved In to.
What should I do? I have always accepted his timeframe and have never pushed it, which is probably my down fall.
Do couples get married after such a long time?
I suppose there is a part of me where I feel envious of friends who have married in that time and seem to have a much more grown up relationship.
I also don't feel great about myself, I always felt he could do better and never wanted to rock the boat. He never compliments me but because I've put up with it I can't start complaining now.
I always raise the question of marriage and say when is it going to happen and they'll always be a jokey response as though I'm being silly for asking.
Thanks for reading

[honeysuckle21]

It does seem he's interested in marriage or children, when you ask him he says yes to the idea of marriage but no action, after this long I would give up hope. I understand you don't want to pressure him into that and no one would want to be married to someone who resented doing it.
I think you need to leave and find someone else.

[honeysuckle21]

*doesn't

[honeysuckle21]

After reading you don't live with him after 10 years please don't waste any more time, it's seems along time to be with someone without commitment of a secure future, you don't owe him anything, you're both clinging on because it's been so long rather being brave enough to find what you really want.

[HermioneKipper]

Sorry to read this OP. Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about where things are going. Your life’s been on hold for 10 years, you need to take control before another 10 slip by. Good luck - you can do it

[YouWontBelieveYourEyes]

Google the sunk cost fallacy of relationships.

I agree with pp about not wanting these things with you, as hard as that is to hear. In five or ten years time whilst you’ve been patiently waiting, not saying anything he could well turn round and say ‘I’ve found someone I do want to marry and have children with, I’m off’. And as he’s a man and won’t have the same fertility clock ticking worries as you, he’ll go off and have his family and you’ll be left older and wondering what the fuck just happened and that you wasted your life waiting and realising you shouldn’t have.

[BibbityBobbety]

OP, I wonder if you realise you are throwing your hopes and dreams away because you are too scared to be alone? You're willing to give up love, romance, marriage and children because your partner doesn't want them and you don't want to be alone.

Is this really what you think you deserve? That you are somehow less than every other person on the planet, so need to live a life of regret and sadness? At 35?

You have got another 50 years to live. 50 years. Is this it for you? And you know you can't control whether another person goes or stays - so he could walk away when you're 40 and you'd end up alone anyway with nothing to show for it.

He isn't going to marry you or give you children. You know this deep down. At 35 and 44 and after 10 years together, there's no new information he will learn about you to change his mind. So be brave, get angry at him for wasting your time and walk away. You're young enough to still have hope, to still have the glimpse of a happy future. But only if you leave him, otherwise you'll get more sad, more resentful and the relationship will end anyway. Get comfortable being on your own, get comfortable for going after what you want, and get comfortable with not treating yourself so badly.

[endlesssnow]

I got married after ten years.
But I wanted dc and so did DH and I wasn't having them unmarried.
DH would not have got married if it was down to him but he always says he was glad he did it.
I think you have to be a lot clearer about your needs in this relationship whatever they are.

[FortunesFave]

@honeysuckle21

After reading you don't live with him after 10 years please don't waste any more time, it's seems along time to be with someone without commitment of a secure future, you don't owe him anything, you're both clinging on because it's been so long rather being brave enough to find what you really want.

She does live with him. I know she said something that made it look like she didn't but she clarified later.

[Cocogreen]

Ask him to marry you.
Then he’ll have to have the conversation with you and you’ll know where you stand.

[PurpleSneakers]

I am going to go against the grain here OP and be optimistic about your long-term relationship heading towards marriage. Do you love this man OP? If so, I think you really need to be assertive and say that this is it, I need to know where this is heading. If you are staying for the sake of ease and just not wanting to rock the boat and he says he is happy with how things are, you need to move on.

I have been with my DH for 18 years. My DH often needs a real push to get motivated. In our relationship, 7 years in and 2 children down the the track and still not married, I made it very clear where I stood on the matter: I wanted to be married. I am in Australia and as long-term relationships are classified as de facto relationships with associated legal ramifications (not sure if this is the case in the UK), it was more to do with us being a family unit with the one surname as I felt like that in many ways we were already married. Anyway, a couple of months down the track he proposed and we then ended up married! There is hope other person, but you may need to push for it. Good luck.

[user1471549213]

Do you love him OP? Does he love you? Does he show that he loves you rather than tell you? Make you dinner/breakfast, do the shopping, buy you thoughtful presents for occasions such as birthday? Do you feel loved in the relationship? If not I wouldn't even bother with a chat and just leave. Is this how you want to spend the next 40 years of your life together?

If it is then I think you need to man up and have that conversation....DP we are together 10 years now, I am 35 and I would like to get married and try for a family....if he says yeah thats what I want too then say right that settles it, I will contact the registry office tomorrow and book us in and see his reaction....no no I want to propose properly with a ring etc (BS if he wanted that he'd have already done it) or oh no I don't want a registry office wedding let's wait til covid is over and then we'll see about booking something.. ie if he tries to buy time then you know he doesnt want to get married and he is just pushing it down the road again....if you let him do this he will continue to do it every time. He has put you off for 10 years now. Dont waste another day on this guy if he doesnt want to be married, leave now. You'll regret your missed chances if you don't.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

What Anne said and others. I've seen this dozens of time. But you know something, no decision is a decision. By staying with him, giving him all your power, you are making the decision never to marry or have children, because you have the power to decide otherwise, you're just choosing to give it to him via sunken cost fallacy or fear or whatever, but it's still you doing this. You're an adult in control of your own life, if you choose to abdicate this power, then at least own that and accept it because I promise you, there will come a time when you'll be forced to, and then it might be too late for kids.

And like the others, I've seen this so many times I can't count. A woman who hung around with a man for over a decade and then he turned tack, dumped her and in months was married and Mr Family Man with someone else and it was too late for her to have kids.

Giving up your own agency in your life is a choice, too. Not leaving this man means you agree to no marriage and kids with him or possibly anyone, the longer you stay.

[gutful]

If he wanted to marry he wouldn’t let you end the relationship, he would make it happen.

You’re not basically already married - marriage is a legally binding document & comes with rights & responsibilities.

Deciding to not marry your partner after 10 years is intentional. You don’t just forget, because by that amount of time usually friends or family will have asked when the wedding is happening. You’ve had conversations, he is aware you want to get married.

It does sound like you are too scared to be alone - so can you make peace with not being married & stay as you are ?

If you think you will feel bitter in future the. You should address it, give an ultimatum & stick it it.

If you’re more adverse to thought of having to go through with the ultimatum than you are staying in the relationship but remain unmarried, then you have your answer.

[FortunesFave]

@rawalpindithelabrador

What Anne said and others. I've seen this dozens of time. But you know something, no decision is a decision. By staying with him, giving him all your power, you are making the decision never to marry or have children, because you have the power to decide otherwise, you're just choosing to give it to him via sunken cost fallacy or fear or whatever, but it's still you doing this. You're an adult in control of your own life, if you choose to abdicate this power, then at least own that and accept it because I promise you, there will come a time when you'll be forced to, and then it might be too late for kids.

And like the others, I've seen this so many times I can't count. A woman who hung around with a man for over a decade and then he turned tack, dumped her and in months was married and Mr Family Man with someone else and it was too late for her to have kids.

Giving up your own agency in your life is a choice, too. Not leaving this man means you agree to no marriage and kids with him or possibly anyone, the longer you stay.

All of this...this is all true.

[Hippopotas]

I got engaged after 12 years with my OH and we married 2 years after that. It does happen

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What rawalpindithelabrador wrote in its entirety. In OPs case she is with him now most likely because she does not want to be alone. But she is really alone in the relationship she now has.

[billy1966]

@AnneLovesGilbert

Just awful on the women whose future has been used and discarded.

It is. But no one is making them stay and sell themselves short for a man who won’t give them what they want. People have to own their choices.

Indeed, no one made them stay, but the fact remains their decision to wait and hope for years they would get what they want, despite all evidence to the contrary, cost them dearly, and must be utterly heartbreaking for them when the penny dropped.

The men wanted all those things, just not with them.

The overwhelming majority of men who really want a woman, put a ring on it promptly.

Those that don't are hoping someone better comes along, and are whiling YOUR time away, until they do.

It's up to women to know and say what they want and be prepared to walk away.

Anything else is pure gambling.

[ColdBrightClearMorning]

In all my years on MN I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone be THIS passive about their life.

You’ve already decided that you don’t want to be single so you’re going to stay with your boyfriend rather than bring things to a head or walk away, so that’s that. I hope you find a way to be happy with your relationship in a way that you aren’t currently.

Nobody can make changes but you. And you’ve made your decision.

[Deathgrip]

@Lilalilo

I don't know. I know that if my partner wanted them I'd say yes to having them but I don't feel I'd want to consider it before marriage.

It sounds like you’ve completely lost your own agency and sense of self. What about what you want, why do his needs come first?

[Greenevalley]

Ask yourself.
Is there any passion?
Even after 10 years there should be a spark occasionally.

Or are you just rubbing along aimlessly because its easier for you both.
Are you happy to be just comfy?

[mcmooberry]

This was me at 36, together 13 years and no children. It was terrifying to start again, we had recently moved into a dream house with land for my horse, it was terrifying to start again with no certainty of meeting anyone else. However there was the certainty of no children if I stayed.

Why not lay your cards on the table? I think you are suppressing the idea of children but if you absolutely dread hearing that yet another married friend is expecting (another) baby, while your life stays the same, then I think you either need to marry and have children with him in the next 1-2 years, or end things now.

I have never felt so low as when my relationship ended but I was proud of myself for at least taking action - and it did work out as I met my DH and had 3 children with him. Am actually friends with Dex - he has married (but no kids).

[mcmooberry]

Sorry didn't mean to repeat how terrifying it was - but it actually was.

[YouWontBelieveYourEyes]

Actually a proposal means nothing if it doesn’t lead to marriage or the children you want. You could get engaged but still be sitting there in 5 years time waiting to set a date.

[Respectabitch]

Was it terrifying by any chance, @mcmooberry? congratulations on taking your life into your own hands and getting what you needed.

[yvanka]

I've never asserted what I want and let him decide on our future.

Why are you giving him so much power? It is not unreasonable to make your expectations and boundaries clear.

Even if you want him to be the one to actually propose, you get as much say in the timing as he does. Stop phrasing it as a question and just tell him that it's time you were engaged so he needs to get a ring sorted immediately. If he's still not done it in a month, then it's time for the ultimatum - "it's been 10 years, you either want to marry me or you don't, produce a ring or pack your bags this week."