DM is walking into a relationship with a convicted DV abuser

[waterproofed]

Please may I have a handhold.

DM moved in last year to help with childcare. DH, the kids and I are all very happy to be living together.

BACKGROUND

DM divorced my abusive alcoholic father around 10 years ago after 30 years together. It was a massive relief to know she was safe from him. It was a long and awful marriage - she finally left him after reading Lundy Bancroft when he threatened to kill her one night.

CURRENT SHITSHOW

Fast forward to present day and I signed her up for online dating as I knew she’d love to meet someone; definitely still young enough to enjoy retirement with.

A month in, she is now in touch with a convicted abuser; he assaulted his wife 10 years ago. They are now divorced. He also has a separate professional tribunal suspension for unethical behaviour in the workplace, the details of which also show him abusing his power at work.

DM really likes him, is impressed by him, feels sorry for him and wants to see where this relationship will go. She does not want to judge him and wants to give him a second chance at happiness because ‘he who is without sin should cast the first stone’. She is already super defensive about his behaviour and minimises even his criminal conviction as a mere peccadillo. I suggested therapy for which DM showed zero enthusiasm.

The heavy feeling in my stomach I used to have when my parents lived together has now returned. DM is so awesome and I cannot bear to see her do this. Yet I know this is her life and she has to make her own decisions - I’d never dictate who she could see.

Vipers, I knew some of you could understand the terror I’m currently feeling. I could cry.

[waterproofed]

@dottiedodah and @Aknifewith16blades thank you. I realise this may well lead to the breakdown of our relationship, as I can't save DM from herself. It was definitely sobering to have to put DCs details into my Clare's law request.

@Aknifewith16blades I am sorry you have also been through this. Christianity is definitely playing into this, but DM cannot talk to a priest for at least a couple of reasons. Firstly, she grew up Catholic and I know enough about the Church to understand it is likely to side with the wife beater as it's deeply patriarchal. She also lost her trust in the institution because of the childhood sex abuse scandal, so would not necessarily trust the clergy.

[waterproofed]

Well, I have an update and it’s a happy one! On the Relationship board no less. Whatever next? A vaccine? Oh, wait...

Both siblings rang DM while I was at work to check why she appears to have lots all sense. DM was very touched that all her children were so concerned for her.

On top of that, the police have been amazing - they rang this afternoon to have a chat with DM and me after I submitted the Clare’s law request on DM’s behalf today. After going through the ordinary checks and explaining the rules around any disclosure, the policewoman asked DM why, after reading online about things he had done, would DM want to carry on talking to him. DM, true to form, talked about forgiveness and never condemning anyone. ‘You are a more understanding woman than me’, responded the policewoman but as she was talking to DM I could tell that the ridiculousness of DM’s own words was dawning on her.

DM hasn’t blocked him yet, but I think the seriousness with which everyone is treating this is really helping her see that this is no harmless chat. I explained to her that the vile creature is at this stage trying to reel her in as fast and as intensely as possible because there are very few people who would ever want to give him the time of day. She can’t deny that having to contact the police at the very beginning of a relationship to ascertain just how much of a threat someone might be isn’t exactly the whirlwind romance she was hoping for.

The police officer could not have been more lovely. She also advised DM to watch her emotional investment into the relationship with the vile creature until she hears back about the creature's convictions. I joked lockdown was working in my favour here and the police officer responded in kind, saying ‘Absolutely! Keep your mum locked down!’ Reader, how we laughed.

DM also wants to do the Freedom Programme.

This is not my first rodeo so I will keep watching for any worrying signs and DM obviously has a tonne of work to do, but tonight I’m feeling a lot more hopeful than I was yesterday.

[Respectabitch]

Hooray! FX things go well and he stays FAR FAR away from you all.

[waterproofed]

Thank you to everyone who posted and helped. You made a huge difference to how I navigated this and shared so many helpful ideas. I wouldn’t have thought about love bombing, the Freedom Programme, difficulties in making everyday choices after abuse or even Clare’s law if it wasn’t for your helpful suggestions. Thank you for taking your suffering and your painful experiences and using it to help another woman in need.

In a space of a day, you’ve made me wiser and more compassionate.

I now need a belt where I can mark notches for every abusive man I vanished from the lives of women I love.

[Dontbeme]

Glad that things seem to be working out OP, that is a great update. Get your DM on the Freedom Programme pronto!