Interfering ex even though divorced 15 years ago!

[bigbumbiggerheart]

Do any of you have problems with an ex of many, many years ago still interfering and causing problems.

Youngest of their children almost 18 now and still dictates and expects him to jump for the slightest thing.

He makes way for her plans and sees his children (rightly so) lots but she is getting worse. Almost as if she realises that her 'power' and 'control' are slipping away as the children are almost adults now.
Accused him of not caring about her feelings at all... even though yet again she got her own way over something. She is a very controlling selfish woman and thankfully has less and less say and children now have a fantastic relationship with my DP despite her bitching/moaning and causing trouble.

SO is she unusual or does anyone else have a partner with a mad controlling selfish ex of a very long time ago still working the misery?

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@P999

Still no examples of her 'selfish, controlling' behaviour. So not convinced she's doing anything wrong. You're just asserting that she's awful. Why not give some concrete examples op, and you might get more than a chorus of bitching here?

I don't need to convince you that she's done anything wrong ... what a strange comment.

My original post was sharing my experience and asking if anyone had a similar experiences with partner's exs. Some posters have indicated similar behaviours in exs too and I have found some posts helpful.

I wasn't asking for a judgement call on her, merely wondering if have others experienced similar.

[bigbumbiggerheart]

Excuse the random inserted word....

I'm good thanks @P999 I think just non engagement as another poster does is the way forward.

[Joistlooking]

Our situation is not unremittingly awful just strange. My DHs ex left him for someone else, married the OM and they have been married for almost 30 years. My DH actually gets on really well with his ex's 'new'' husband but my DH was never allowed to go to his DCs parents evenings, concerts etc. Now his ex bans him from things the grandchildren do.
From the start I stayed out of it and the DSS respect me for that, I think, so together we find ways around the problems so my DH does not miss out.
That is why I say count your blessings and stay out of it.

[Jsku]

All you are doing here OP - is ranting against your (relatively recent) partner’s Ex, the mother of his children.
You are saying that others have similar experiences - BUT those others have actually have examples of behaviour that in fact is unreasonable. Whether or not your partner’s ex has a similar pattern isn’t known.
You also say that you are staying out of it - so it all makes little sense. You are either involved and need help with something, or you are not getting into it - hence why are you here?

I divorced my ExH this year. And according to him - I am sure I am being all kinds of unreasonable or controlling with the kids these days.
However - there is also my side of the story, and me doing what I think is best for the kids. And as I have always been the primary carer of the children - and spend more time with them now - I am really in the best place to know what it is at this time.

Maybe the ex in question is in fact unreasonable. Or, equally possible, the issue is your insecurity over the relationship. Without more information it’s impossible to tell.

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@Joistlooking

I agree with you and will continue to stay out of it. I think as you have found it's the best way really.

Thanks and best wishes

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

I guess some examples might be useful because from what I've read so far it's not so much that she's a controlling selfish ex - more that your DP is such a wet blanket that she takes advantage of him being so agreeable to her wants.

Alternatively it's possible she was/is abusively controlling towards him and he's not yet broken free of that dynamic.

[movingonup20]

Mine is very understanding, dp's ex w is also understanding. We are lucky! From when kids leave school deal directly with them with finances

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@Jsku

Your reply makes no sense? Why am I here. It's a forum for relationship chat and I merely asked if anyone had a similar experience to me:

'Do any of you have problems with an ex of many, many years ago still interfering and causing problems.' and 'SO is she unusual or does anyone else have a partner with a mad controlling selfish ex of a very long time ago still working the misery?'

Several have said they have or have had problems with a controlling ex. I just wondered if it was usual of someone who my DP parted with such a long time ago. Time being a healer and all that. It appears in a couple of cases it is, and I think the advice given to me to stay out of it and count my blessings and distance myself (which I have been doing) is right and I will continue that.

I haven't asked anyone for opinions on whether anyone thinks she is controlling/unreasonable or not. We already know she is and don't need help working that out, hence have not listed her behaviours for you or others to decide. That bit is the simple part. She was also controlling and interfering with my DP's previous partner and her behaviour led to the end of their relationship.

I am not really sure why some posters feel they should tell others what they should and shouldn't ask. It is an online open forum and I was merely trying to see if others have encountered an ex that still interferes for a really long time after divorce (in her case 15 years) and it appears they might. Indeed, one poster said still does so 30 years later. A couple of posters have kindly said what works for them and I will do that.

I repeat again I am not asking you to decide if she is unreasonable or not that isn't necessary but thank you for offering.

I think you also misunderstand since you said 'All you are doing here OP - is ranting against your (relatively recent) partner’s' ex - we have been together for just over 2 years now so I don't really call that relatively recent but hey ho we can differ on that. He was previously with another partner for a few years and the ex wife was the cause of that relationship angst and their eventual split. We have been together just over 2 years now and for the first 18 months or so not very interfering or controlling at all but her behaviours are escalating as her relationship has become rocky and we are happy and settled.

I think just writing thoughts out on here together with some helpful comments from other posters helped me and so I am ready to move on now and will keep doing the 'not getting involved/distancing from her' etc since that clearly has worked so far and worked well for a couple of others.

Thanks to those that have replied to my question. It's all good now and we will just

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@movingonup20

You are indeed very lucky. My ex husband is also lovely so don't have any problems there. Hopefully for most people that might be the case.

I was surprised that after so many years she still feels the need to try to control/interfere etc but I think it is just a personality trait.

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@MyCatHatesEverybody

I think I have said it several times now but I am not actually asking for people to decide if she is controlling and unreasonable or not. This is not a AIBU etc thread. We already know that she is.

I merely asked 'Do any of you have problems with an ex of many, many years ago still interfering and causing problems.' .......

I think it's time to leave the thread since some helpful responses and all good.

Have a lovely day

[emma8t4]

In reference to a pp who said if you don’t engage you have nothing to be upset about.I think even if you don’t engage directly with the exw and don’t offer your opinion on situations or solutions to problems you still end up being a sounding board for your dp to let off steam about a situation and it does become wearing seeing the emotional strain on your dp. Seeing plans constantly change, last minute changes to contact/plans, the constant asking for money and the emotional manipulation that it’s fir the children, not being informed of events the children have etc etc even if you don’t get involved in those situations you end up supporting your dp which can be hard.

[Bibidy]

You are probably right OP, she is probably flexing because the kids are getting older and she's losing her grip over your DP. Especially if her own relationship is on the rocks.

With their youngest child now nearly 18, there actually isn't much they need to be in regular contact about as most things can be arranged directly between each parent and child.

As for her accusation that he doesn't care about her feelings at all - quite honestly, I'm surprised she would think a comment like that is relevant after so many years apart. Beyond being civil, he doesn't need to worry about her feelings, it's not his problem anymore.

[Bibidy]

In reference to a pp who said if you don’t engage you have nothing to be upset about.I think even if you don’t engage directly with the exw and don’t offer your opinion on situations or solutions to problems you still end up being a sounding board for your dp to let off steam about a situation and it does become wearing seeing the emotional strain on your dp.

Exactly, and actually if something is stressing out your partner OF COURSE it affects you and your life. It's not like OP is wading into the arguments with her DP's ex, but she has every right to be concerned.

[Jsku]

I think my reply doesn’t make sense to you because you seem to lack an ability to self reflect and at least wonder if your feelings/reactions are justified.

If you really came to MN to ask if other people have problems with their partners ex’s - than it’s silly. As obviously the answer is - Yes.

Same answer to a questions - are there new partners that are threatened by the previous relationships/co-parenting partners - also a Yes.
And you do seem to be in that second group, given that you keep mentioning your OH choosing his relationship with his ex over his previous relationship.
You must be worried it can happen again, although you don’t seem to want to admit that it’s an issue with your OH.
Instead you just want people to take you for your word that she is ‘mad and controlling’. It’s easier to call someone names than look closer at your fears or at your partner.

So - no ‘WE’ don’t know she is controlling and unreasonable. Only that you think she is.

And - if you don’t think that ‘nearly two years’ is a fairly new relationship - than you are either quite young or naive.

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@emma8t4

Thanks for your reply - totally true, even on non involvement and not being dragged in it is still draining. I was looking for light at the end of the very long tunnel - it appears some go on with their behaviours for years though

I think the pp didn't really get it. That's why I was asking particularly if people have had the same problem etc.

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@Bibidy

Many thanks for your understanding and you are exactly right. Sometimes life gets a bit 'oh heck what is she trying to spoil now' and I don't want to spend too much time talking about her to partner so this forum made sense to air a bit.

The bit where she said he doesn't care about her feelings was a bit should he. She's having a hard time in her relationship and taking it out on others around her. Yes I agree control that she has had almost non existent now and perhaps why her last go at attempting to ruin things. I am really lucky in that he learnt his lesson when she caused so many problems in his previous relationship. He tended to try to keep things good with her since it affected their children and also for an easier life. We chat about the things she does and even laugh about it since sometimes its the best way. Fingers crossed her relationship repairs or she finds a new man and then she will have other things to occupy her time.

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@Jsku

Thank you for your input.

Have a lovely day

[Bibidy]

He tended to try to keep things good with her since it affected their children and also for an easier life. We chat about the things she does and even laugh about it since sometimes its the best way. Fingers crossed her relationship repairs or she finds a new man and then she will have other things to occupy her time.

I think if she's continuing to be difficult now the kids are adults then the best course of action is for him not to respond to her. At their ages now, there's no reason she needs to be in touch unless it's an emergency/major issue. She certainly doesn't need to be ringing him up nagging about random stuff or whatever she's doing at the moment.

[P999]

If you dont want to give examples, thats fine and your business. I just thought it would be more helpful go you to get more objective view on her behaviour and whether, indeed, it is controlling and unreasonable. You might get some useful insights to help you with examples. But if thats not whats of interest to you then thats up to you. It does just come across as a rant, I'm afraid. Good luck.

[P999]

Also, you sound quite patronising and sexist. You're assuming she's lonely, and if only she had a man in her life, she would fall into line. It doesnt come across well OP. Hence why i've questioned whether she is this monster you claim she is. But you seem pretty determined to stick with your views. So not much i can add. Will bow out of this thread

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@P999

I am sorry you feel the need to insult. I didn't feel the need to give examples of her controlling and abusive behaviour because I wasn't asking for a judgement call on whether she was controlling or abusive etc - we (as in me and DP) already know she is. I did say that numerous times and you kept insisting that I do and when I didn't became rude and insulting - really not necessary or helpful at all but there you go.

I think you have misread some of my posts since your posts contain quite a few errors. One example is that she has a man already (although her relationship has hit a really difficult patch) so your comment of 'if only she had a man in her life, she would fall into line' is completely inaccurate....I never said that at all - along with a number of other comments you make that are also inaccurate.

I am sorry that you felt the need to keep badgering for actual examples of controlling behaviours. I did explain SEVERAL times that I wasn't after judgements of whether she was controlling/abusive or not. I was just merely sounding off and reaching out to others in a similar (very difficult) situation and wondered if this was uncommon etc.... sadly it appears to go on for years in some cases. People can actually be really nasty/abusive to new partners you know for no particular reason (she did if before and is doing it now and escalating)

I never really understand why some posters become nasty and throw insults around. It is really uncalled for and I have been polite to all that replied throughout or ignored some of the comments that were just rude.

Thankfully, there have been some lovely helpful comments and a poster that sent me a private message that was helpful to. I will focus on those.

Have a nice evening

[Octoberbreeze]

I dated a bloke once with a twisted ex girlfriend. Oddball crazy didn't have kids though so bet its worse when an excuse to stay in touch. Some people won't let go gotta see if to get it so avoid her as much as u can . Men with baggage like that to much work

[SBTLove]

@bigbumbiggerheart
You will always get the first wife commenters on a thread like this, they can do no wrong and any other woman their ex meets has to accept she’s nothing and has to tolerate every bit of nasty behaviour.
My DPs ex is a control freak even now they’re divorced, incessant demands for him to do things, money etc, expects him to jump at every demand and if he doesn’t 5/6 hour text barrage of abuse. MN needs to accept plenty of women are nasty and abusive in and out of a marriage.
Your DP needs to be clear with her and say no and tell her to step back, I think they just can’t accept he’s outwith their control and has moved on, I’ve seen plenty first wives like that.

[NiceandCalm]

OP - ignore the posters trying to wind you up. Your question was quite clear - do others have experience of controlling ex's. Not, do you think this is controlling.
Yes, basically. I feel sorry for the men. I've seen the pain and frustration at yet another unreasonable demand/change of plans/request for more money. I've seen men break down in tears as they want to do the best for the kids but also have a life themselves.
Controlling ex's most definitely exist.

[bigbumbiggerheart]

@NiceandCalm

Thanks. I thought it was clear too! . It is strange how some poster ask the same questions over and over again and insist that should be what you want to ask rather than what you ask, very odd
I also was quite surprised that some perfectly adult individuals don't appear to be able to read a response and say what THEY think you have said back along the lines of you are in a relatively new relationship it's almost 2 years so you must be naïve to not realise it's relatively new. When you clearly said over 2 years and you live together! Odd, its almost as if some people come on here spoiling for an argument . He chose his ex wife over his previous partner (not he didn't she ended it because of the abusive, interfering, controlling ex wife), trying to keep that type of ex wife off your back when you have 2 children that can be used to control is exhausting as others that have experienced it might know. I wonder if the more difficult ones might be ex wife's themselves. Fairly easy to just ignore them though haven't been a reader of these threads for some time the attack dogs approach happens all over the threads.

However, there were a majority of lovely posters and so a good place to rant and share. I do find at least being anonymous you can vent, share, or ask for advice and there are some people that are really helpful.