My wife continues to hit me - I'm at a complete loss, please help

[dustybrother]

Hi everyone,

So I've been wife my wife since 2004, married ten years this December and we have one daughter together (aged 7).

The punching and slapping started probably four or five years ago and has gradually got worse. When we have an argument, rather than just talk it through, it just results in her getting really aggressive and pushing me or hitting on my body. I don't know anymore what is normal in a marriage. I did see a therapist about a year ago after another episode and she told me it was assault and I should have gone to the police. I don't feel in danger as such but she just has no self-control and lashes out.

I know what I should probably do, that is to separate, but it's so hard when you have invested so much and we have a child together.

The other thing is that we haven't had sex for about 5 months and before that hardly at all for the last few years.

Any advice on what I should do??

[Hoppinggreen]

Leave, as soon as possible

[Mabelface]

Leave with your daughter. This is domestic abuse.

[BertiesLanding]

Yes, please leave and take steps to protect your child from her behaviour too. It really is the only constructive thing you can do.

[dustybrother]

Hi BertiesLanding, thanks. Over the last few years I haven't been perfect. We have also lost the ability to communicate like we used to and I'm a shadow of my former self; I think she feels the same way. Thing is, when we're in Germany (she is of German origin) with her family she isn't the same, it's just here in London. But this is where our main home is. Sorry, I've realised I'm rambling!

[Middersweekly]

This isn’t right at all OP! You need to leave this abusive relationship immediately! Do you have any support/ family near by you can go to?

[dustybrother]

Hi midders, not nearby but my brother/sil and their kids are an hour away or my parents 3 hours away. I'm worried though that she'll change the locks......

[TheDaydreamBelievers]

@dustybrother - this must be a really hard situation for you to be in. As others have said, you are a victim of domestic abuse and it is not acceptable for her to hit you, even if it has not yet caused great physical harm. It is harmful for your daughter to grow up in a household where one parent is violent to another, and where her mother cannot cope with emotions other than to lash out. If her mother has no self control she also may hit your child in future.

I can see that you want to understand why your wife does this, but understanding why also does not make it excusable.

Some steps to take:

• Look into what would happen with houses, finances etc if you were to split. Bear in mind that if you have never reported abuse from your wife she may gain majority custody of your child.
• Consider whether you feel you could address this with her, when she is calm. This may not be something you could do and you should ensure that any move to do this would be safe. However, bear in mind that in couples where domestic violence is a feature, it is rare that the abuser is able to stop.
• Access support from domestic violence charities in your area. They can provide both practical and emotional support.

I'm wishing you and your daughter all the best.

[dustybrother]

@TheDaydreamBelievers thanks so much. I reported it to my counsellor do you think that's enough?

No it hasn't caused physical harm, just the occasional bruise or red mark, it's more the mental toll to be honest.

[dustybrother]

@Middersweekly not nearby but my brother/sil and their kids are an hour away or my parents 3 hours away. I'm worried though that she'll change the locks......

[dustybrother]

@BertiesLanding thanks. Over the last few years I haven't been perfect. We have also lost the ability to communicate like we used to and I'm a shadow of my former self; I think she feels the same way. Thing is, when we're in Germany (she is of German origin) with her family she isn't the same, it's just here in London. But this is where our main home is. Sorry, I've realised I'm rambling!

[sitckmansladylove]

Well done for speaking out. This is absolutely not acceptable. I hope you get the support you need.

[username501]

If you're worried about her changing the locks, then get legal advice. If you jointly own a house in the UK, it's illegal to lock the other owner out. I have no idea about the law in Germany so I suggest you find out.

Here is a pdf on what protection you can be afforded by the police and criminal justice system as a survivor of domestic abuse.

I would also seek advice on full custody given your wife can't control her aggression. There are only two helplines for men in Germany in Bavaria and North-Rhine Westphalia and I have no idea where you are. My first port of call would be your local police who may be able to direct you to appropriate help and support.

[ShitStain]

She’s abusing you. Hitting a partner is disgusting and I hope you can make steps to get away from her.

Please don’t minimise what she’s doing.

Does she hit your daughter too?

[MiddlesexGirl]

OP says main home is in the UK.
You need to be very careful if you do decide to split, that your partner doesn't take your child to Germany. Maybe secure the passport?

[SteppedOnTheCrack]

OP, she has hit you hard enough to bruise you? I'm so sorry, this is truly shocking behaviour from her. Try to see this for what it is. Abuse. You need to start making steps to leave her.

I hope you were comparing her behaviour in Germany to her behaviour at home to show that she is in fact capable of managing herself well rather than as a way to justify her abuse,?

[username501]

If he's in London, he can contact the Men's Advice Line: 0808 8010327
Telephone & email support Monday–Friday 9am-8pm

He can find a solicitor at the Family Law Panel and have a chat about a Prohibited Steps Order in order to prevent her taking the child abroad. She can't lock him out of the house as it's illegal to do so and if she does then just get the locks changed back.

Start keeping a log of the abuse, report abuse to the police to build evidence. Gingerbread can provide advice on child contact, family court etc 0808 802 0925

[Lozzerbmc]

As others have said you need to end marriage asap and protect your daughter. Make a plan. Locate and keep her pasport so your wife cant take her to Germany. Could she hurt your daughter? She cant change the locks when its your house as well. Get some legal advice asap.
Wishing you strength in this horrible situation it must be terrible for you.

[WiserOlder]

Move out.
My x used to hit me. It only ever escalated.

[category12]

Once there's violence in a relationship it's FUBAR, and time to go.

Speak to Mankind or anther domestic abuse helpline for support and advice.

[differentnameforthis]

This is NOT normal, you need to leave, with your child if at all possible.

She DOES have self control. Does she hit strangers? Shop assistants? Her parents/siblings? - I bet that's a no. Therefore she DOES have control.

[oakleaffy]

[quote dustybrother]@TheDaydreamBelievers thanks so much. I reported it to my counsellor do you think that's enough?

No it hasn't caused physical harm, just the occasional bruise or red mark, it's more the mental toll to be honest.[/quote]
This is abuse!..Please don't minimise her abuse by saying it is 'Just' emotional, or 'Just' a red mark.
You really oughtn't-and needn't- put up with an unsupportive relationship like this.

If you are a male {one can't assume, so sorry if it appears rude} many men will absolutely not defend themselves against a woman..and the woman takes advantage of this..

Men also feel they cannot talk openly about this {slightly taboo?} subject.

It just isn't acceptable for anyone to hit, slap, or belittle anyone else.

Hope you can leave this abusive person.

[dustybrother]

@ShitStain oh no, she doesn't hit our daughter and never would

[PaddyF0dder]

Yeah, just leave.

This is not normal behaviour. It’s abuse. She has shown you who she is and she will not improve.

Get out of there.

[dustybrother]

@SteppedOnTheCrack well only a little bit of bruising but red marks mainly.

Yes I was, to show that it can be controlled.

[dustybrother]

@WiserOlder Hi, I'm so so sorry to hear that, how terrible. I have completely normalised it over the years and just accepted it as part of having an argument. It's like a fog descends over me and I turn into a zombie.....