I don’t recognise myself in my memories of abuse.

[WhoamI83]

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I’m out of an abusive marriage of 15 years 6 months ago. I don’t recognise the person in my memories, it’s very unsettling. I have done the online freedom programme and done a lot of research into abuse. I understand a lot of the explanations. My memories feel very disconnected. I know they were me but they feel very distant. The decisions I made and the person I was is not the person I am. I hope that makes any kind of sense. I feel like a have the memories of someone else, someone living in a trance someone doing stupid things.

[WhoamI83]

Why did he always make me carry the blame for everything? For example he has a bad back, I know he had it before me because he told me. But everyday he would come home from work angry because his back hurt and told me he was breaking his back for me and I was a lazy ungrateful c**t.

[ThinkWittyThoughts]

From your last message alone: he really was abusing you. You haven't imagined it. This isn't just a case of "not right for each other".

Please speak to your GP or if you can afford it, get some professional support from a therapist.

[WhoamI83]

I have been to the gp who sent me to the local mental health nurse. She said to do this online anxiety course and to try and de-stress. She said that there is no easy way through it. I don’t at that time I told them about my memories not feeling like mine.

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

PSTD is very common after ongoing abuse.
I was diagnosed with dissasociative fugue after a long period of abuse. Its a common coping strategy as living in a permanent state of fright or flight is damaging.
You have been through a lot and really need a period of absolute calm where possible. Take everything back to bare basics, dont get involved in any drama from others and rest and heal.
You will get there but nay need some support and therapt to heal from the PSTD. I hope you have some real life support and have considered going to see you GP for some mental health referral.

[WhoamI83]

I don’t get involved with my husband now but he has said he prays for my happiness and hopes we can one day be friends....it messes with my head as I thought he hated me and I ruined his like and dreams!

[WhoamI83]

Why did he want me carrying all the guilt and the failures in the relationship? I left because I could no longer take it, I left because I thought that I was the cause of us not working. When I left though he didn’t want me to go which I just find so confusing.

[ThinkWittyThoughts]

Having you so unhappy contributed towards his happiness. He was abusing you.

This isn't someone to be friends with.

Please. Please. Seek professional help to sort through these issues - you need support to process what has happened to you, support to plan what happens next, and support to move forward to a better life.

[hellsbellsmelons]

As a PP said - you could be suffering from PTSD!
Have a look into that.
Also mentioned previously - EMDR could be very useful.
This will be a lot to come to terms with.
You blocked so much for so long to protect yourself.
Now it's coming to the surface and you've no idea how you did it or how you coped.
But you did. And now you are out.
Well done on leaving OP.

[WhoamI83]

It is a lot to come to terms with but it makes so much sense. I never ever felt right with my husband, I never felt close and safe and now I know why. It’s a terrifying thought!