I don’t recognise myself in my memories of abuse.

[WhoamI83]

Has anyone else ever felt like this?

I’m out of an abusive marriage of 15 years 6 months ago. I don’t recognise the person in my memories, it’s very unsettling. I have done the online freedom programme and done a lot of research into abuse. I understand a lot of the explanations. My memories feel very disconnected. I know they were me but they feel very distant. The decisions I made and the person I was is not the person I am. I hope that makes any kind of sense. I feel like a have the memories of someone else, someone living in a trance someone doing stupid things.

[WhoamI83]

It is a lot to come to terms with but it makes so much sense. I never ever felt right with my husband, I never felt close and safe and now I know why. It’s a terrifying thought!

[hellsbellsmelons]

As a PP said - you could be suffering from PTSD!
Have a look into that.
Also mentioned previously - EMDR could be very useful.
This will be a lot to come to terms with.
You blocked so much for so long to protect yourself.
Now it's coming to the surface and you've no idea how you did it or how you coped.
But you did. And now you are out.
Well done on leaving OP.

[ThinkWittyThoughts]

Having you so unhappy contributed towards his happiness. He was abusing you.

This isn't someone to be friends with.

Please. Please. Seek professional help to sort through these issues - you need support to process what has happened to you, support to plan what happens next, and support to move forward to a better life.

[WhoamI83]

Why did he want me carrying all the guilt and the failures in the relationship? I left because I could no longer take it, I left because I thought that I was the cause of us not working. When I left though he didn’t want me to go which I just find so confusing.

[WhoamI83]

I don’t get involved with my husband now but he has said he prays for my happiness and hopes we can one day be friends....it messes with my head as I thought he hated me and I ruined his like and dreams!

[Mintypylonsfryingsurplus]

PSTD is very common after ongoing abuse.
I was diagnosed with dissasociative fugue after a long period of abuse. Its a common coping strategy as living in a permanent state of fright or flight is damaging.
You have been through a lot and really need a period of absolute calm where possible. Take everything back to bare basics, dont get involved in any drama from others and rest and heal.
You will get there but nay need some support and therapt to heal from the PSTD. I hope you have some real life support and have considered going to see you GP for some mental health referral.

[WhoamI83]

I have been to the gp who sent me to the local mental health nurse. She said to do this online anxiety course and to try and de-stress. She said that there is no easy way through it. I don’t at that time I told them about my memories not feeling like mine.

[ThinkWittyThoughts]

From your last message alone: he really was abusing you. You haven't imagined it. This isn't just a case of "not right for each other".

Please speak to your GP or if you can afford it, get some professional support from a therapist.

[WhoamI83]

Why did he always make me carry the blame for everything? For example he has a bad back, I know he had it before me because he told me. But everyday he would come home from work angry because his back hurt and told me he was breaking his back for me and I was a lazy ungrateful c**t.

[WhoamI83]

I think I am frightened by my memories and I don’t really realise because I’ve dismissed how scared I was at the time.

[Fanthorpe]

WhoamI83 you sound very frightened still. You’ve done an incredible thing by the sound of it to get yourself out of that situation. That must have taken a great deal of strength. You need to recover, it will take time. If you were with him for 15 years that’s a long time pretending to be fine for him and taking all the emotional weight. You won’t just bounce back, you need rest and recovery.

[WhoamI83]

I don’t know what he wanted from me apart from my constant adoration. The only problem was I was intimately terrified of him and I don’t really understand why. I really must have been scared of him.

[WhoamI83]

I’m away from him but have children so I do try and have a routine for all our sake. I think I started that book a while back but found it difficult.
I can get no answers from my memories at all and when I think about it I feel so disconnected that this feeling freaks me out more then the memories. I’m guessing I must have been very scared of him to have changed my identity so much. He never physically hurt me though, a shove a long time ago. His arguments with me were very verbally intense and always right in my face. I was to blame for everything I remember I really struggled to carry the blame for absolutely everything. I met him in the UK but he is not from here and his family live abroad. He constantly blamed me for taking him away from them, even though I met him here. In arguments he would say he left all his family for me, did everything for me and I don’t care, which I did. I did everything for him.

[Bridget64]

I've been told that you can only relocate memories that were correctly stored in the first place. I'm going to buy that book just now "the body keeps the score".

I honestly think sometimes you can just look at how you were at that time, and if you were struggling so much then you were in an environment that was very, very bad for you. Good relationships don't lead to you wondering what the hell happened. They don't leave you feeling confused.

I've been in a toxic relationship and the problem is you change to fit the environment , so you start wondering how much was you and how much was them... In every single other relationship or friendship I have ever had I haven't felt like I did in that relationship. If this is something that you only felt in this relationship, then there is a very good chance it was him causing it.

[Fanthorpe]

I go on about it endlessly but Then Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van den Kolk is a brilliant book for explaining what might be happening for you.

Are you away from him now, is he in your life? Regular exercise and getting in a routine can be really helpful, it will help your wellbeing if you can find regulation in your day to day living.

[WhoamI83]

So are you saying the memories have been stored incorrectly forever? It’s making it very difficult for me to truly believe what I went through. I’m struggling with understanding if I was abused intentionally or if I just was the wrong person for my husband but I tried to be the right person for whatever reason....oh I don’t know.

[Bridget64]

I have no memories under the age of 11 or so... None. I thought I had a couple but I realised they were me making up memories from stories I heard from family. I just imagined it so many times it became a memory. It's disconcerting , I'm never going to know what I was like as a child. I have one picture of me when I was three that I got when my gran died. The memory is a very confusing thing and does what it can to protect you. I have been to counselling and understand my mind is trying to protect me. But I wasn't getting abused every minute of every day... I think it's something to do with how memories are stored long term as well. If you don't give your body and mind the correct conditions to do this, then it fails. I'm going to look that up again actually.

[namechange12a]

OP everyone is different. I know someone who experienced severe and ongoing childhood abuse and is in her 40s and has barely any memory of her childhood.

My advice to you is to discuss this with a mental health professional in a safe and validating environment. Get in contact with your local domestic abuse organisation and ask them about counselling and therapy and speak to them about the abuse. It's very healing when someone simply listens and understands. You can also try BACP for a therapist.

[Mittens030869]

I meant 'It's helped us to process our memories and find a way of coping with them.'

[Mittens030869]

It really does make sense. It's disassociation. It led to my DSis and me repressing our memories of the childhood SA we suffered at the hands of my F. The memories only came back years after his death, when we had young DC, and I literally saw myself as a little girl in my flashbacks. (I'd had disturbing images for years, which I hadn't understood, which I now know was a symptom of PTSD.) My DB, who is very badly damaged, has said he doesn't remember anything about our childhoods.

I believe that it's a way of protecting ourselves from traumatic memories. My DSis and I had extensive therapy, along with EMDR, and it's helped us to process our memories and find a way of coping at them.

You've done so well to get away from your abusive relationship. The disassociation was a way of protecting yourself, but you really will benefit from therapy. It won't be a quick fix but you will get through this.

[WhoamI83]

My memories don’t seem that bad individually but I guess they accumulate.
Have the memories been changed permanently will I ever really feel and know what happened?

[namechange12a]

It's normal to not feel the effects of the abuse until the relationship has finished. You are surviving during the relationship so can't fall apart. Your mind protects you by erasing your memory and dissociating from what happened. Once the relationship is over, it's common to fall apart. You may experience panic, flashbacks, anxiety, insomnia, irritation, anger, depression and a whole host of physical symptoms as well.

It would help to discuss this with a professional. Perhaps validate the abuse with a domestic abuse professional and find a therapist to discuss it with. It may also help to see your GP as well.

Mind has lots of info on depersonalisation, trauma, post traumatic stress and dissociation.

[WhoamI83]

I just don’t understand our relationship at all. I’m constantly confused.com

[Fanthorpe]

Your abusive ex behaving ‘as normal’ means very little though, please don’t use him as your reference point.

[Fanthorpe]

I think you’d need a longer face-to-face conversation with someone who understands trauma. It may be that it’s coming to the fore for you now because you’re not in a state of high alert, so your mind is working through things that you’ve stored away.