Is it normal to be codependent in a relationship?

[and53]

I think we are both codependent in the relationship. From what I researched, it's unhealthy. DP says it's normal and I'm picking.

[romdowa]

As long as you are both happy , then I don't see the issue. Myself and my oh are very close. We provide emotional support to each other and spend a lot of time together. It's what we want to do , its not hurting anyone, so I dont need anyone else's approval.

[suggestionsplease1]

He almost sounds too nice! But yes I think you would both benefit from being more independent.

My dad does a huge amount for my mum, and this probably originated from when he had to take care of her and us all when she had severe mental illness. But I have to remind him that he might not always be there, he could die or have ill health himself, so it's in her own interests to be more self-sufficient.

Ill health and misfortune can happen to any of us at any time so it helps to be able to be independent and have a more extended support network (whilst also appreciating each other of course - if you're thinking of shaking things up reassure him that it's not because you're questioning the relationship - assuming you aren't?)

[and53]

I agree that he's knackered because of how early he gets up for me. That's why I don't put too much pressure on him to 'get a hobby' He puts his all into his work and me. We are his life.

[JustC]

OP are you happy though? I think that is the main thing. Are you both happy?

[and53]

@JustC

OP are you happy though? I think that is the main thing. Are you both happy?

No I'm not entirely happy with it. I feel a sense that I need to become more independent. I need to take myself places more, I think I've got too comfortable.
Had a chat with him and he said that I do rely on him for a lot. I never thought he felt like this. I'm just trying to think of ways I can become more independent and happier. Surely if this relationship was the right one, I wouldn't be doubting it.

[JustC]

Well it's good that you had a chat about it. And it seems like he agrees. So maybe you can both try to be more independent. I don't know if cause to doubt the relationship, unless there is more to this that you are not saying. It can be just something that you both slipped into without realising. Maybe as a first step, drop the car drop off ( if there is another mean of transport). Try to see other people separately more often. Try a hobby. Etc.

[suggestionsplease1]

OP don't make the mistake of blaming your relationship for your own unhappiness...as I've read on these boards before 'happiness is an inside job'.

It sounds like you have a partner that is very supportive, perhaps too much, but is also open to reconfiguring things so that are you are less dependent on him.

If he was trying to prevent your developing independence that would be concerning (although it would also not be entirely out of the question that he felt unsettled as it can be period of shifting dynamics in a relationship, which can make people worry that a break up is on the horizon).

If he is supportive of you trying to be less reliant on him, and at the same time trying to develop his own independence then you might both find a very good way forward through this.

Doubts in a relationship are pretty common and don't necessarily mean 'it's not the right one'. Try to be open and honest with each other to explore changes that can be made.

[Sourcat]

Start by learning to drive asap, seriously

[category12]

I agree that he's knackered because of how early he gets up for me. That's why I don't put too much pressure on him to 'get a hobby' He puts his all into his work and me. We are his life.

Instead of "not putting on pressure" for him to get a hobby, stop the lifts and let the poor guy bloody sleep so he has some energy for something else in his life. Stop being so selfish and sort out your own transport.

[category12]

I think you're probably doubting the relationship because it sounds like it's work, home, work, home and not a lot else.

Working the shifts you do must be quite hard on you yourself. How much opportunity do you get for socialising / leisure? Maybe you could look at changing your job or shift pattern? We can "get used" to a lot of things (like shifts or commutes) and it's only when we stop we realise the detrimental effect it has on our lives. It may noh be possible to change, of course, but I'd consider it if you can.

You might find an improvement to your lifestyle makes you happier in both relationship and life generally.

[Lozzerbmc]

You are both too dependent on each other and its easy for this to happen. You have to strike a happy balance between enjoying doing things together and having your own time and space. I’d start by learning to drive!

[Somefantasticplace]

It really is worth getting some friends and an independent part of your life OP. I can think of two people I know who had relationships like yours, one lost her DH in her 40s and one in her 70s. Both really struggled with everyday things as they had never had to do them before (like deal with insurance, appliances breaking down etc.) and neither drove. Both of them spent the first year afterwards staring at 4 walls and scared to do anything.

I'm not saying this to be dramatic OP, just to point out that not having your own friends and interests and being able to take care of yourself can cause problems later.

[Besom]

It sounds as if your issue is with yourself rather than him so much and need to work on yourself to increase your independence.

Learn to drive for a start OP