Is it normal to be codependent in a relationship?

[and53]

I think we are both codependent in the relationship. From what I researched, it's unhealthy. DP says it's normal and I'm picking.

[and53]

I can't drive unfortunately, I start work at 3am so I used to get taxi or bus. When we started getting serious, he kept offering to take me and 3 years on I've just expected it every time now I guess. We live together, whenever I need to go somewhere, I'll expect him to take me and he's always offering too.

I talk to my mum and a friend, work colleagues, I don't have a huge amount of people to talk to. He's in a good job but works with 'blokes' so he says I'm the only one he can talk to. He's not close to his family and doesn't have any friends. He moved far away from his home town and struggled to make friends. He keeps saying he wants to take up XYZ hobby but when he's finished work, he just wants to cook us dinner and cuddle on sofa. On his one day off, he wants to have a day out with me which I enjoy, but I worry he's too dependent on me too.

If he died, I think I'd have an identity crisis. He's taken out life insurance for himself and made me the beneficiary because he doesn't want me to struggle financially if something happened.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

@Duckfinger

It is completely normal for me and the people I know to be first and in most cases only line of emotional support for their partner.

I actually find the notion of sharing emotional things with a friend very uncomfortable I wouldn't want anyone knowing my business.

This is really fucking sad, duck.

[RUOKHon]

Why have you started this thread OP? I wonder whether something has set off a little alarm bell tinkling that has you questioning whether you’re happy with this set up.

[and53]

I have my own interests and hobby which I enjoy. He's always encouraging me to go out more with my friend but I suppose I've got comfortable with just being at home with him.

My problem is he seems to think that the relationship dynamic isn't that bad but I feel something just isn't right.

[NoMoreDickheads]

^t is completely normal for me and the people I know to be first and in most cases only line of emotional support for their partner.

I actually find the notion of sharing emotional things with a friend very uncomfortable I wouldn't want anyone knowing my business.^

That's ok I suppose if it suits you, but it sounds like you also have friends. Your other half isn't your 'only source of happiness'

[TheTeenageYears]

Whatever you might call it I would find that extremely suffocating. If there's no reason for you not to learn to drive then you should do it. He needs to get out and make some friends. When parenting you are supposed to teach children to be independent- he in particular sounds like he's completely regressed in that department unless he was never allowed any independence as a child/teen. You both need to be your own people outside of your relationship.

[GaraMedouar]

I think some people have relationships like that - a lady at my work (older, in her sixties), does with her husband. Do everything together , no separate hobbies.

I wouldn’t like that personally, I have a couple of hobbies which take up a couple of evenings a week and one weekend afternoon usually. I am currently single , but if I meet a man I wouldn’t give up my hobbies . I also have girlfriends where we meet up , have a glass of wine and discuss anything and everything.

I personally think it’s healthy to have a bit of me time , separate hobbies , etc but to each their own. OP - if you’ve written this thread it sounds like you’re not entirely happy with it yourself.

[RUOKHon]

When you say he encourages you to go out with friends, do you feel like he would genuinely be okay if you started going out one or two nights a week to do your own thing? Or do you feel like he would secretly be angry with you?

Or is it more that you have a life, but all he has is you and that seems to be enough for him, but it’s putting pressure on you to be all things to him, and that’s starting to become unattractive?

[NoMoreDickheads]

I have my own interests and hobby which I enjoy. He's always encouraging me to go out more with my friend but I suppose I've got comfortable with just being at home with him. My problem is he seems to think that the relationship dynamic isn't that bad but I feel something just isn't right.

It sounds like you have your own interests and friends outside the home but he doesn't. It can be quite disturbing to have someone that dependent on you.

[Pinkblueberry]

If he died, I think I'd have an identity crisis.

I think that’s where the problem lies - I don’t think that what most of what you’ve described is as problematic as some are making it out to be, but your identity and who you are shouldn’t be wholly or even mostly dependent on your relationship. You both just sound like you’re a bit too comfortable and set in your ways. Find some separate hobbies and book some driving lessons.

[JustC]

Unless I'm missing something, to me you sound like a couple who is genuinely eachother's best friend. Unless he pushed you away from friends and you chose him as your main sounding board I would say that's normal in a really compayible relationship. Is he supportive, objective when you need him to? As for the practical stuff, like ca rides and such, that's absolutely normal.
I guess me and hubs are a bit codependent as well, we rarely go out without each other, as we prer yo go out together. We re eachother's main sounding board, unless looking for specific advice from male/female friends. We support one another in an objective way. We still talk to friends about pur various troubles ( me more, he is a bit constipated when it comes to opening to his friends). It works gor us, we are generally happu, with ups and downs hee and there.
Are you happy?

[RUOKHon]

It sounds like you’re not really sure how to define yourself outside of the context of your relationship, but that you are starting to become curious about what being more autonomous would feel like.

[category12]

I start work at 3am so I used to get taxi or bus. When we started getting serious, he kept offering to take me and 3 years on I've just expected it every time

Does he also work shifts? I don't see how this can be healthy if he works 9 - 5.

Could you learn to drive, get a moped or something?

[NoMoreDickheads]

Does he also work shifts? I don't see how this can be healthy if he works 9 - 5.

I don't have a problem with a partner etc giving someone lifts in general, but 3am does seem above and beyond the call of duty.

[Diabetes123]

Co dependency as I understand it is a relationship where one person in the relationship is sort of in the child role and the other is the parent. I know because that's where I was :( I'm now having therapy to try and overcome the issues. My DH however is not a narcissist or an addict but rather I have looked to have to meet my emotional needs/wants and when he didnt fulfil them I started to feel resentment and eventually it became too much and I left.

Its a very difficult thing to understand and quite often (or as im told) can be due to childhood trauma, emotional/physical abuse which leaves the person who is co-dependent unable to make their own decisions, create boundaries, meet their own needs.

[Zeroenergy]

It’s not normal at all. Sorry. Relationships should always compliment or be a great addition to your own life, it should never be your whole life.

[and53]

@Diabetes123

Co dependency as I understand it is a relationship where one person in the relationship is sort of in the child role and the other is the parent. I know because that's where I was :( I'm now having therapy to try and overcome the issues. My DH however is not a narcissist or an addict but rather I have looked to have to meet my emotional needs/wants and when he didnt fulfil them I started to feel resentment and eventually it became too much and I left.

Its a very difficult thing to understand and quite often (or as im told) can be due to childhood trauma, emotional/physical abuse which leaves the person who is co-dependent unable to make their own decisions, create boundaries, meet their own needs.

I understand what you mean.
I grew up with a Dad and I have always looked for that father role in my partners.
My DP acts like a Dad to me, with all the looking after me etc.

[and53]

@category12

I start work at 3am so I used to get taxi or bus. When we started getting serious, he kept offering to take me and 3 years on I've just expected it every time

Does he also work shifts? I don't see how this can be healthy if he works 9 - 5.

Could you learn to drive, get a moped or something?

He seems to be happy to do it but it does mean him getting up in the middle of the night.

[RUOKHon]

He seems to be happy to do it but it does mean him getting up in the middle of the night

That’s just crazy. What does he do after he’s dropped you off? Does he work normal hours?

[and53]

@RUOKHon

He seems to be happy to do it but it does mean him getting up in the middle of the night

That’s just crazy. What does he do after he’s dropped you off? Does he work normal hours?

He will go back to sleep and then wake up a few hours later for his work. He starts about 7.

[Sprout888]

I am a Co-dependant, married to an addict and after years of being married am getting divorced. A Co- Dependants life is very toxic and I don't recommend it. I will now be having counselling sessions to work though all of this. Maybe you could get support with Coda, find a meeting near you, some are running Zoom meetings at the moment.

[category12]

I really think you should put an end to that - he's getting up in the middle of the night and then getting up a couple of hours later to be at work for 7?

[Pinkblueberry]

He's not close to his family and doesn't have any friends. He moved far away from his home town and struggled to make friends. He keeps saying he wants to take up XYZ hobby but when he's finished work, he just wants to cook us dinner and cuddle on sofa. On his one day off, he wants to have a day out with me which I enjoy, but I worry he's too dependent on me too.

To be fair this isn’t an easy situation for most people to be in. Sounds like he lacks the confidence to go out and meet new people - he says he wants to get out and take up something but then avoids it. He’s probably questioning his dependency just as much as you are, but prefers to dig his head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t matter because making changes is daunting. If you had lived in his hometown where he knows people perhaps your relationship would be very different.

[TheoriginalLEM]

"I rely on him for all my advice, emotional support, taking me to work, picking me up, always being there for me, he's the number one person I go to.
He relies on me for all of his happiness and emotional support.
He says that it's 'normal' in a long term relationship to be like this but I'm unsure."

You have basically described me and DP, we have been together 27 years. We are very exclusive and spend all of our spare time together. It works for us. We adore each other. It's not always been perfect but it's our close bond that have taken us through difficult times.

[category12]

He keeps saying he wants to take up XYZ hobby but when he's finished work, he just wants to cook us dinner and cuddle on sofa.

He's probably knackered from getting up to give you a lift at 3am and then getting up again for work at 7!