Help me be rational and respond to my MIL

[Hopefulhen]

I am 5 months pregnant with our first baby who will also be the first grandchild on both sides. I generally get on well with my IL’s, they have some different world views to me but I like visiting them or meeting up for dinner.

After we announced the pregnancy FIL started asking us to come over for dinner almost every weekend. We have had work/other commitments on so haven’t always been able to go. I was feeling really overwhelmed with the constant invitations and I had this strange feeling like they were trying to ‘claim’ us and set a precedent that we will bring baby to them this regularly after she is born. They live 40 minutes away so I was relieved when he got the message that it was too often and stopped asking as frequently.

MIL has been very excited about the prospect of setting up a nursery in our spare room from the start. MIL mentioned to OH that she was looking at some wall decorations for the nursery and sent his some photos of stick on decals, which I definitely do not want in my home. I told OH it would be much better coming from him if he told her nicely that they weren’t really what I had in mind. He seemed exasperated and then went on to say that his mother had never had the opportunity to set up a proper nursery for any of her three boys as they were renting and moving a lot. Anyway, MIL popped in today on her way home from work and told us that she had some things to bring over but was waiting on the last delivery. I mentioned that I didn’t really want anything stuck to the walls but I already had some ideas that I needed her help with, thinking this would make her feel included. She was dismissive. The ugliest, most offensive pink floral decal is on its way and she clearly thinks I will be using it. God knows what else is on its way to our small, storage deficit home.

It’s not really about the wall decal, although they are fucking hideous and tacky. I feel fiercely protective of this baby. I am happy for her to be grandma but I am the mother and I want to call the shots. I don’t know if this is just hormones or whether they are actually trying to push their way in unreasonably. OH is quite critical of his father for being a shit husband/father when they were growing up but consequently he feels really sorry for his mum which makes him reluctant to intervene.

How can I respond to IL’s and involve them in a way that is acceptable to me whilst also setting up some boundaries? Right now I feel like telling MIL that she has horrendous taste and I only want my sister to help me, but obviously I know that would be hurtful. I know this is an overreaction, how can I manage my emotions? Does this feeling pass??

[Howyiz]

Your husband is cross because his father was a shit husband? The apple didn't fall far from the tree! As they say, black cat, black kitten!

[Cherrysoup]

OH is quite critical of his father for being a shit husband/father when they were growing up but consequently he feels really sorry for his mum which makes him reluctant to intervene

So now he’s being the same to you? Fuck that! Your baby’s nursery is for you to organise. It’s not your problem she had a shit dh. Why is he trying to get history to repeat itself? Stick up for yourself, you won’t get this time again.

[LizzyAnna99]

@Dougalthesyrianhamster because she’s actually a nutter 🤣 you’d honestly think someone had died it was that insane 😳

[Hopefulhen]

Wow, I didn’t expect such resounding support for how I’m feeling! I can’t believe I didn’t realise the ridiculousness in my MIL taking this experience away from me because she did not have it herself. My own mum never set up the sort of nursery I intend to have either and she isn’t trying to muscle in and take over. Although she has much better taste than wall decals.

This is of course an issue with my OH though and I’m going to have to put my foot down and really make it known that if he wants to take ‘her side’ I will be making things very difficult for him. He is desperate to have a close and loving family and I’m really going to have to spell it out to him that this sort of behaviour will result in me rejecting his mother, not bringing it closer together. Thank you so much to the poster who shared the story about her exPIL’s ‘well meaning’ intentions and the counsellor who pointed out that this didn’t mean not implementing boundaries and never feeling annoyed.

I couldn’t help myself so I’ve messaged my OH’s brothers girlfriend to find out what else she has actually ordered. For now I’m going to wait and see what happens. Ideally MIL won’t actually be pushy when the pink crap arrives and I will be able to ignore most of it or politely return it to her. We’ve known since 10 weeks that the baby is a girl because we had the NIPT and I think this has fuelled her excitement because she always wanted a daughter.

[Hopefulhen]

And no, I won’t be suggesting she set up a nursery in her house because there’s no need. I’m sure we will gratefully accept the offer of babysitting when she’s a bit older and we want the occasional night out but baby won’t be sleeping there regularly enough to warrant a whole nursery and I don’t want to give her that impression.
MIL has made some nice patchwork quilts in the past so I am going to tell her how much I would like one for the nursery because this is something I will genuinely appreciate and use forever. They’re also fantastically time consuming

[OhioOhioOhio]

Yep, you just have to say no to her about everything.

[Lollypop4]

You need to be blunt ,
"I appreciate your input however, I've/We've decided on what we want in the nursery".
End of .If she then still insists and buys crap, just say, " No, I dont want that"

[NoSquirrels]

Patchwork quilts are indeed fantastically time-consuming yet also heirloom individual status gifts

I’m sure we will gratefully accept the offer of babysitting when she’s a bit older and we want the occasional night out but baby won’t be sleeping there regularly enough to warrant a whole nursery and I don’t want to give her that impression.

Fair enough, if you think it's fuel to the fire. But honestly - the regularity of when baby sleeps there is not exactly the point - you can rebuff for enough time if you need to, and yet they still get the impression that they are trusted grandparents.

Family only 40 mins away who you can leave a baby with for a night out - occasional or more frequent - is really not to be sniffed at (speaking from the POV of someone who didn't have any family closer than 1hr15+ away on a good, no-traffic night... ) You won't realise it yet, but the possibility of settling baby at their grandparents at 7.30pm (after a breastfeed, if that's needed rather than a bottle) getting to a dinner date by 8.30pm, having a lie-in til 9 the next morning and arriving by 11am for lunch (or having them bring the baby back to you for that time) is absolutely not to be sniffed at.

[Nat6999]

I had exactly the same with sil when I was expecting ds, she turned up with all the things for the nursery, never asked what I had thought of for a scheme, railroaded what colours etc. It spoilt my being a mum for the first time, I never got what I wanted, mil bought cot, never asked what type I wanted, I came out of hospital to a cot in our bedroom I had never seen before, didn't match the furniture in the nursery & was so big I couldn't get in & out of bed.

[lifesnotaspectatorsport]

Yes yes to the patchwork quilt. My MIL does quilting. After we told her about the pregnancy we sent her some beautiful Liberty fabric and said how much we'd LOVE a quilt for her grandson. Result: we got a gorgeous quilt to our taste and she was so pleased to do it.

[Thesuzle]

Can you start a conversation about child savings accounts, are your parents alive? Can it be mentioned that they have set up an account, in laws would then hopefully want top do the same or better,