Help me be rational and respond to my MIL

[Hopefulhen]

I am 5 months pregnant with our first baby who will also be the first grandchild on both sides. I generally get on well with my IL’s, they have some different world views to me but I like visiting them or meeting up for dinner.

After we announced the pregnancy FIL started asking us to come over for dinner almost every weekend. We have had work/other commitments on so haven’t always been able to go. I was feeling really overwhelmed with the constant invitations and I had this strange feeling like they were trying to ‘claim’ us and set a precedent that we will bring baby to them this regularly after she is born. They live 40 minutes away so I was relieved when he got the message that it was too often and stopped asking as frequently.

MIL has been very excited about the prospect of setting up a nursery in our spare room from the start. MIL mentioned to OH that she was looking at some wall decorations for the nursery and sent his some photos of stick on decals, which I definitely do not want in my home. I told OH it would be much better coming from him if he told her nicely that they weren’t really what I had in mind. He seemed exasperated and then went on to say that his mother had never had the opportunity to set up a proper nursery for any of her three boys as they were renting and moving a lot. Anyway, MIL popped in today on her way home from work and told us that she had some things to bring over but was waiting on the last delivery. I mentioned that I didn’t really want anything stuck to the walls but I already had some ideas that I needed her help with, thinking this would make her feel included. She was dismissive. The ugliest, most offensive pink floral decal is on its way and she clearly thinks I will be using it. God knows what else is on its way to our small, storage deficit home.

It’s not really about the wall decal, although they are fucking hideous and tacky. I feel fiercely protective of this baby. I am happy for her to be grandma but I am the mother and I want to call the shots. I don’t know if this is just hormones or whether they are actually trying to push their way in unreasonably. OH is quite critical of his father for being a shit husband/father when they were growing up but consequently he feels really sorry for his mum which makes him reluctant to intervene.

How can I respond to IL’s and involve them in a way that is acceptable to me whilst also setting up some boundaries? Right now I feel like telling MIL that she has horrendous taste and I only want my sister to help me, but obviously I know that would be hurtful. I know this is an overreaction, how can I manage my emotions? Does this feeling pass??

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Yup! As others have said, talk to your DH and tell him

In trying to help your mother experience the joy of nesting she feels she missed you are stealing mine. Do we steal that of our kids and their first child to make it up to me?

This is the time he has to make the change in allegiance. Everyone has to at some point.

You cleave to your mum and dad or you strike out and make your own family unit. He has to choose to grow up!

[MaybeDoctor]

I think the fundamental question is if she is a pleasant and supportive person or not? If yes, then try to find a way of involving what she wants in a way that you can accept. What about a blanket or something else that is less permanent that a wall decoration?
Pregnancy is a funny time as everyone's role is shifting in the family hierarchy - she is being reminded of her own life passing and you/Dh are now centre of attention.

I had a similar situation (MIL who had had her own sad history and was showing signs of wanting to be very involved) and made the decision to let her in. A decade on, it has been one of the best decisions I ever made. She has supported us with childcare and has a wonderful relationship with our child. Their closeness is amazing.

Letting her in to our family life has given me a few annoyances at times, but they are minor compared to the huge benefits that her involvement has brought.

[FreddoFrogAddict]

I've read a few threads like this recently; overbearing in-laws and ineffectual partners. What is it with these people?! You need to set very firm boundaries now so that everybody is clear where they stand. This is your baby and you will be decorating the nursery exactly how you want it.

My DD is pregnant with our first grandchild and yes I'm very excited, but I would never presume to make decisions for my DD and her DH on anything to do with the baby. Obviously I want to buy things so I've suggested they set up an Amazon wish list so I can get exactly what they want.

Do not feel sorry for your MIL, she is being ridiculously unreasonable.

[Shoxfordian]

Draw some really strong boundaries
When the hideous pink thing comes, say there is no way I'm putting that up and give it back to her. The time for being diplomatic is over, start being assertive and decisive.

[Onacleardayyoucansee]

She can't be that bad, she raised your husband who you want to make family with and she is part of that.

There's not much she can say if you talk honestly and kindly "I appriciate your genorosity and thoughts but I'm going to go for this style" and as PP suggested get her to plan an event.

I had this type of thing with my first, disconnected with in laws and created problems that could have been minor.

Maybe trust her with your feelings, how protective you feel and how you want things the way you want them... sorry if she finds it difficult but it's how you feel. She might come on to your side.

[morethanafortnight]

Do you get on reasonably well with her? If so, then I suggest you take her shopping, and show her all the things you like, so she begins to understand your taste in things. It might help.

[EmperorCovidula]

You don’t. It’s a well known rule that in marriage your parents are your problem. Tell your DH that it is his duty, as a husband, to deal with this however he sees fit and leave it to him. Otherwise this will turn into a battle over your DH between you and your MIL which you can’t be sure that you will win. Just don’t go there, it’s not your responsibility.

[strawberry2017]

I made the mistake of letting my MIL help, my DP gave us some money to use towards the travel system, we were lucky enough that we happened on a outlet that had a mega sale on so got the travel system and cot bed with the money coz there were so many bargains.
MIL had never mentioned buying us anything and We didn't expect anything, however she was put out by what we had been given by my DP.
I had a very specific idea for my nursery, something I'd always planned many years before I even met DH, so instead of asking my DM to help me, asked her instead.
Biggest mistake ever, it was such a terrible job.
The seams on the wall paper didn't match, there was big splashes of wall paper paste everywhere. And instead of saying to us I need another roll of paper decided to try and do a patch job.
Well it was just awful and I literally cried when she left. I never felt happy in the room and it still upsets me now.
All because I tried to make her feel involved,
In the end I realised that I could never stop her being jealous, I'm close to my mum and her and DH have a terrible relationship because of her behaviour when he was growing up.
Now I just do what's best for our family and don't think about trying to include her.
It's not my job to give her a second chance at been a mother.

[Roselilly36]

She is clearly very excited about the baby, but it’s your baby, you need to do things how you want for your baby and she needs to respect your wishes. It doesn’t need to be a drama, and falling out, tell her your plans for the nursery, so she feels included and if she makes suggestions that you don’t like, be direct. Set the boundaries now would be my advice. But keep friendly, you may need her help in future Good luck.

[frazzledasarock]

And OP is very excited, it's her first baby.

Excitement is not justification for taking over or riding roughshod over the mothers decisions and wishes.

[HathorX]

Definitely do NOT tell her to set up a nursery at her house! That will encourage her.

Maybe when the shops open in July you can take her shopping and educate her taste a bit.

Meanwhile, I would just tell her that you and OH already picked out a theme for the nursery.

I like the idea of giving her a different job to do. Maybe she could buy some beautiful pram or car blankets.

[qazxc]

Be blunt and tell her you want to do the nursery yourself. I mean if it was stuff like clothes, you can smile and only put them on the baby for a picture or for visits to granny, but a total decoration of the nursery is something else.
If you are feeling charitable you could pick out one of the less offensive items and that can be the special "from Granny" addition.

[LizzyAnna99]

Maybe put a Pinterest board together and show her what your style is and see how it goes from there. And I’m jealous that they are so nice to you. I’m 9 months pregnant now and my mother in law ripped up the scan picture and threatened to kill herself when we told her the good news! 😳

[Lickmylegs0]

Knit or crochet something? That will keep her very busy. Wonder how she’d feel if you started redecorating her house ‘as we’ll be spending more time there with baby’.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

When I was expecting my first grandchild, I set up a nursery in the spare room of my own house. I decorated it myself, and kept a few outfits and a package of diapers so whenever daughter and boyfriend wanted to go out they just dropped the baby off. No juggling diaper bags or car seats, cause I had a spare.
It worked out well for us, and as he grew up I just updated the room to a toddler bedroom, etc.

[Sunnydayshereatlast]

Lipz why will the op want mil to ever have her baby overnight? The only time ils had my dc were post divorce and I had no say.. Not everyone feels the need to have dc free nights..
Not should they be bullied into allowing them to happen.

[Lipz]

@Sunnydayshereatlast

Lipz why will the op want mil to ever have her baby overnight? The only time ils had my dc were post divorce and I had no say.. Not everyone feels the need to have dc free nights..
Not should they be bullied into allowing them to happen.

Sometimes people get invited to things like weddings etc or sometimes a parent goes into hospital, or sometimes parents have a night out and rather than heading home early they can relax and know the baby is sleeping overnight. It's not every week, just sometimes occasions come up and having an overnight minder is a huge help. Of course some people rather sit in and never go out and have their children with them all the time, but sometimes it's nice to know there's backup there is needed. Also it gives the mil something to concentrate on, like decorating a room in her own home rather than the ops

[Livpool]

Going against the grain here but a few suggestions/buying some bits for the nursery wouldn't really bother me, even if not to my taste.

Although I am extremely laidback so may have a weird view about things like this

[Nanny0gg]

I told OH it would be much better coming from him if he told her nicely that they weren’t really what I had in mind. He seemed exasperated and then went on to say that his mother had never had the opportunity to set up a proper nursery for any of her three boys as they were renting and moving a lot

So point out to your husband that he won't want your son (if you have one) having the same conversation with his wife because you weren't allowed to decorate your own child's nursery when you were pregnant.

[AnneTwackie]

No helpful suggestions just posting to ask for pictures of the vile deliveries you receive

[MulticolourMophead]

@Nanny0gg

I told OH it would be much better coming from him if he told her nicely that they weren’t really what I had in mind. He seemed exasperated and then went on to say that his mother had never had the opportunity to set up a proper nursery for any of her three boys as they were renting and moving a lot

So point out to your husband that he won't want your son (if you have one) having the same conversation with his wife because you weren't allowed to decorate your own child's nursery when you were pregnant.

Yes, agree. Two wrongs do not make a right.

It's a shame she get to decorate for her sons, but that does not mean you have to lose out on decorating for your DC.

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

YABU! You sound like you hate her! Poor woman. She's only trying to help. You don't have to use the sodding decals (they're not all tacky by the way, there's some gorgeous, very expensive ones! ) but at least be nice to her! She's your child's Grandmother! She created the man you love don't forget!! She isn't the enemy

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

@RavenCrowRavenCrowRaven The Furniture was clearly your DH's taste though! Or is it just about what you want??

[NoSquirrels]

MIL mentioned to OH that she was looking at some wall decorations for the nursery and sent his some photos of stick on decals, which I definitely do not want in my home. I told OH it would be much better coming from him if he told her nicely that they weren’t really what I had in mind. He seemed exasperated...

Well, unfortunately, as DH hasn't managed to express your preferences to his mother, now she almost certainly will be upset. However, you can say, when rejecting the hideous pink decal (and I would too!):

"Gosh, MIL, I am so sorry - I did ask DH to pass on the message that I had something else in mind for the nursery. Will you be able to return these? Only I have already got my eye on/have bought this..."

and then quickly get out your phone and show her pictures of what you do like.

It's nice she wants to be involved. It's nice to be nice - but not to have your decisions stomped on. So deflect, re-focus her energies on something else - or get her involved in the things you do like, if you can bear to.

On the "will this feeling pass" - yes, to a certain extent it will. I think there aren't many new mothers who, with their first, don't want to do it all their way, choose all their own things to their taste, but it does wear off after a bit, and if you try to think the best of people you can usually stop it becoming an unreasonable controlling thing. Grandparents get excited! Learn to channel their energies into something you do need/want...

Could she decorate a nursery/spare bedroom at her house, for when you all go to stay?

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

@LizzyAnna99

Maybe put a Pinterest board together and show her what your style is and see how it goes from there. And I’m jealous that they are so nice to you. I’m 9 months pregnant now and my mother in law ripped up the scan picture and threatened to kill herself when we told her the good news! 😳

Omg! Seriously? Why?!?!