Partner wants to stay together but move out

[NoPinkPlease]

I feel so at sea. This could be long...

My partner of 4.5 years is struggling with family life - I have two kids from a previous relationship, 9 and 12. 12 year old has autism - Aspergers type - makes me hard to handle sometimes but it's not life changing. The kids go to their dad's for half the weekend and one night in the week so we get some time together just us.

My partner has a history of depression and he came to live with me 2.5 years ago when in the depths of a bad bout. Over those 2.5 years we've worked so hard together to get him a driving licence, business up and running, his finances back on an even keel and his mental health stable. We've had some really fun and lovely times in the midst of some tough times.

Fast forward to now, his business has really taken off and he's 2 months into his business doing well enough to contribute to the household. He's finding it hard working full time and coming back to a full on house - kids obviously need a lot of my time. At night I tend to flop on the sofa about 9 and he'll already be there. He expects me to be chatty and for us to connect. He will have been working then have stopped and done nothing house wise (2 nights a week wash up maybe).

We've not been getting on that well. He feels distant to me when I feel I've been the same and he's withdrawn.

He often says he "accidentally" moved in when he wasn't well and didn't intend it to be permanent! In the meantime he fell out with his mum who owned the house he was living in and she sold the house.

He says he wants to live independently and experience that for the first time - living alone on his own earnings and paying his way is something he's never had to do (lucky him huh?!).

He wants to stay together but not have family life responsibilities it seems to me. I feel I come as a package now - the kids consider him a stepdad (12 year old especially). I am angry for them as well that he's suggesting withdrawing from their lives.

Aside from all this, he occasionally says he wants kids, I don't. I'm nearly 42, he's 39. His depression and up and down nature has put me off having kids with him - it would be too much for me to cope with, alongside all the other stuff I have to do - full time senior job.

We had planned a life together - moving in a few years to a joint home, combining incomes to do fun things! We couldn't possibly afford to do that if we were maintaining two households.

I feel like as a relationship we would have made it through - the little issues we have could be worked through. But the moving out stuff has made me question all that future and planning.

I can't deny I also feel a total idiot - I've invested in him / our future. He suddenly has his own money and off he wants to go...

Any advice?

[namesnames]

Oh op, what an absolute shitbag.

He has taken advantage of you.

Get him out of your home, the sooner the better.

[aSofaNearYou]

To be honest I don't agree with most posters. He could be a cocklodger, or he could have just realised he doesn't enjoy life as "stepdad" and wants kids of his own. Both are equally likely in my book and I can't blame him if it's the second. You should ensure he doesn't owe you any money, of course, and if you don't want a relationship with a separate living situation you are obviously well within your rights to end things. But I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with him not wanting what you want. Being in a relationship with somebody with challenging kids, who doesn't have much time for him at the end of the day is a reasonable thing for him to not want for himself.

[Apossibility84]

@aSofaNearYou

I agree with you.

[Doyoumind]

How convenient he came to that conclusion just as things were looking up for him, Sofa.

[Nihiloxica]

Why on earth have you let this freeloading waste of space live off you all this time? Are you so rich that it doesn't matter? Do you love cleaning up after him? Do your kids have everything they need, financially? Have you never had to worry about money?

This

Forget about him. He's a user and he's on his way out.

But you should think about why you made your children live with a depressed man and spent so much of their family's money subsidising him.

You must have got something out of that, but I doubt they did.

[xmummy2princesx]

I think he has been using you OP

[Grobagsforever]

I'm
Furious on your behalf reading this OP.

He sponges off you for 2.5 YEARS taking money from your KIDS and now he wants to move out to shirk family life? WOW

Throw him out, change the locks and never look back. You've lost enough.

[bembridge11]

Sounds like you have been an absolute rock to him and stood by him and helped him when many others would have walked away. This on top of your own senior job and two kids - one with autism! You deserve a medal for being such a superstar!

From his side - now his business is doing well - rather that contribute to your joint lives - maybe a nice holiday after lockdown - or more help in the house. - he wants to me all away and keep and spend his own money!!!! That is pretty selfish me thinks!! He doesn't want the responsibility of family life.... but was ok to live with this mum in his mid thirties..... so doesn't mind someone else taking responsibility for him. Sounds quite selfish to me

[Happynow001]

I'm sorry OP. You may have been his partner but he has no intention of being yours.. there's no future here is there?

[ukgift2016]

Never give so much to a man. OP that was the mistake you made.

You helped make him better but then he wanted an 'upgrade'

[aSofaNearYou]

How convenient he came to that conclusion just as things were looking up for him, Sofa.

Convenient and unsurprising. He's got back on his feet emotionally as well as in his career and realised it's not the life for him. It's obviously a shame OP had invested in him but I don't think it's necessarily premeditated. It's quite a likely thought process to end up going down after a few years into a lifestyle that is not suited to many.

[KentuckyBlueberry]

I agree too @aSofaNearYou

I think it’s unlikely he’s cynically planned to use you or take advantage of you. You were already together 2 years. Clearly he was in a compromised position when he moved in. And obviously you’ve put in a lot of energy and investment in helping him get back on his feet. You now want that ‘investment’ to pay off at some point.

Perhaps he wants to re-establish the relationship on more equal terms? It sounds like he’s never really taken control of his life till now. He’s obviously aware that his decisions previously have been motivated by survival/need rather than taken pro-actively on his part.

I agree it’s disappointing for you, but it does also sound like you feel he ‘owes’ you. However justified that is, I wonder how that plays out in the relationship.

I’m curious about what he’s been doing for the last 2 years. Has he only just started working? How did he come to move in (did you encourage him to so you could support him or was it his idea?) Why was he still living with his mother at 36? There does seem to be something odd going on there. How has the arrangement served you (not to suggest that there were ulterior motives on your part but just to say that lots of people would never put up with someone contributing so little. Why have you?)

I agree it feels unfair on your DCs (to be seeking an arrangement that puts him at a distance from them when you’ve all been living as a family).

Obviously if him living separately doesn’t work for you, that’s fair enough.

[Andwoooshtheyweregone]

I read this with my mouth wide open. Op re read your opening post as if a friend is telling you this, what would your advice be? Now he can finically support himself he’s out of the relationship and it’s not what he wants after years of you supporting him finically and mentally. He is something else, He is taking liberties of the highest order!

[BumbleBeee69]

You've been absolutely USED...

[NoPinkPlease]

Thank you for all your comments - really helpful. Just working out what to do.

Sorry not to make clear originally, be he hasn't been useless throughout, he's taken his fair share of the housework and cooking (he does all the gardening), it's just been the recent times when the business has been full on that he's stopped doing anything like as much.

He's also been incredibly helpful with the kids - more so in the earlier days though perhaps now I reflect on it. He has a background in handling difficult teenagers with learning disabilities so he's helped me out loads with my son. I definitely have got lots from the relationship. But given an awful lot too.

[7yo7yo]

What a user.
Bin him.

[BiblioX]

If he has never had to pay for household costs why doesn’t he have money? He’s 39, that’s two decades of working!
Regardless, he is selfish and not a “partner”. What’s more, he is incredibly immature to choose to move in with a woman with children and then not take that responsibility seriously and leave once the kids have built a relationship - how unnecessarily hurtful.

[Wheresy0urheadat]

You have rescued him & he wants to fledge

I don't think that you both want a shared future together

It sounds like he was happy to share your income, but doesn't want to share his

I would end the relationship

[BumbleBeee69]

he's been freeloading.. the garden would be the least I'd be expecting him to do.. OP can you not see you've been financially abused...

[wantmorenow]

Maybe try it his way for a while. Go to his when you are child free and let him provide meals and hospitality. Have the nice bits without the drudge of doing his wife work.

Worth a go shirt term then re-evaluate.

[KentuckyBlueberry]

Agree @wantmorenow

It doesn’t mean you have to abandon the relationship (unless you want to of course).

[stealm]

He's a cocklodging user.
I had one a bit like this.
You say "we" worked hard to get him on an even keel, driving licence, get his mental health stable. I'd like to bet it was more "you" than "we" who worked on that.
He should move out and you should end the relationship. There's nothing in this for you. Having being used by someone in a similar way I can predict how this will go. He moves out, lives the life of riley as a single man while keeping you sweet in the background. After that it goes one of two ways:
a) things start to go downhill for him again as he's not really capable of being independent so he starts wheedling his way back in again until he moves in and the cycle of you supporting him begins again until he is strong enough to bugger off again
OR
b) he meets someone else who can support him in the same way as you have done should things go pear-shaped for him again and then he ditches you and you never hear from him again.

Pull the rug from under him by telling him it is over and sticking to it.
You've got enough to do caring for your children, especially as one of them has autism.
You say his up and down nature put you off having kids with him. Future kids aside, that is not great for you and the kids you do have anyway. Get rid and enjoy being single with your children and have the chance of meeting someone in the future who is going to contribute equally to family life and not leave you carrying the burden of everything.

[NoMoreDickheads]

I personally bet he will soon fail at working life, as he's a fuckwit. He'll then probably be trying to charm the OP to take him back again.

[aSofaNearYou]

he is incredibly immature to choose to move in with a woman with children and then not take that responsibility seriously and leave once the kids have built a relationship - how unnecessarily hurtful.

I think that's quite a harsh viewpoint. It isn't encouraged to introduce partners to the kids right away so naturally there is going to be a period of time in which they have to discover if they can cope with living with them, once the relationship is already established. Nothing can prepare you for the reality of life with kids, especially if they're not yours. We are all entitled to walk away. He is perhaps thinking if there is no possibility of them having kids of their own, then it isn't necessary for them to have a full "family" life, and he would be happier with a more relaxed dating but living apart scenario. OP is of course entitled to only be interested in a family, but I think if I was never going to have kids of my own with my partner I would prefer to enjoy the sides of life that come from not living with children, too. Many people do, their wants may simply not align.

[TooTiredTodayOk]

Before you hoof him out please do present him with a breakdown of what it's cost you to have him as a cocklodger...

^Dear STBX

In support of you taking your first steps towards living as a financially independent adult, please see below for details of what it has cost me to have you stay here over the past 2.5 years:

Increase in council tax for having another adult in the household x 2.5 years
Food x 2.5 years
Utilities x 2.5 years
Taxi service x 2.5 years
Driving lessons

I'm happy to accept a lump sum payment, alternatively a monthly standing order/direct debit will suffice and will not necessitate us having any contact. My bank details are as follows:

I wish you the very best on your journey to financial enlightenment^

You'll be quids in.