Partner wants to stay together but move out

[NoPinkPlease]

I feel so at sea. This could be long...

My partner of 4.5 years is struggling with family life - I have two kids from a previous relationship, 9 and 12. 12 year old has autism - Aspergers type - makes me hard to handle sometimes but it's not life changing. The kids go to their dad's for half the weekend and one night in the week so we get some time together just us.

My partner has a history of depression and he came to live with me 2.5 years ago when in the depths of a bad bout. Over those 2.5 years we've worked so hard together to get him a driving licence, business up and running, his finances back on an even keel and his mental health stable. We've had some really fun and lovely times in the midst of some tough times.

Fast forward to now, his business has really taken off and he's 2 months into his business doing well enough to contribute to the household. He's finding it hard working full time and coming back to a full on house - kids obviously need a lot of my time. At night I tend to flop on the sofa about 9 and he'll already be there. He expects me to be chatty and for us to connect. He will have been working then have stopped and done nothing house wise (2 nights a week wash up maybe).

We've not been getting on that well. He feels distant to me when I feel I've been the same and he's withdrawn.

He often says he "accidentally" moved in when he wasn't well and didn't intend it to be permanent! In the meantime he fell out with his mum who owned the house he was living in and she sold the house.

He says he wants to live independently and experience that for the first time - living alone on his own earnings and paying his way is something he's never had to do (lucky him huh?!).

He wants to stay together but not have family life responsibilities it seems to me. I feel I come as a package now - the kids consider him a stepdad (12 year old especially). I am angry for them as well that he's suggesting withdrawing from their lives.

Aside from all this, he occasionally says he wants kids, I don't. I'm nearly 42, he's 39. His depression and up and down nature has put me off having kids with him - it would be too much for me to cope with, alongside all the other stuff I have to do - full time senior job.

We had planned a life together - moving in a few years to a joint home, combining incomes to do fun things! We couldn't possibly afford to do that if we were maintaining two households.

I feel like as a relationship we would have made it through - the little issues we have could be worked through. But the moving out stuff has made me question all that future and planning.

I can't deny I also feel a total idiot - I've invested in him / our future. He suddenly has his own money and off he wants to go...

Any advice?

[managedmis]

What a fucking freeloading waste of space

These men! The gall

[managedmis]

He says he wants to live independently and experience that for the first time - living alone on his own earnings and paying his way is something he's never had to do

^

Poor diddums. Let me get my violin

[EKGEMS]

Now he's earning a profit and wants to move on with his life!

[LellyMcKelly]

Kick him out now. Freeloading twat.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Pack his bags for him !

[tara66]

Feeling very annoyed for you. But can he really do it on his own? What if the depression comes back? He's telling you that but does he really mean it? Is he just complaining?

[TowandaForever]

@Pugsrus

Bill him
Add it all up and bill him

This!

I assume now his finances are better he has offered you money to reflect how you’ve bankrolled him for the last couple of years.....

[wildone84]

Normally I'd say if one partner decides they don't want to live in your home, and want to move out, that is fine. I'm a pretty independent person and that sort of arrangement would suit me.

But I can't help but feel that it leaves a bad taste in your mouth that he depended on you financially for all that time, and now that he's making his own money, he wants to move out. You'd hope that he'd see this time as one where he's well enough and can now give back to you financially and in other ways.

So in that sense, it's disappointing, and I do wonder if this is effectively him ending it. Maybe he wants to find someone to have kids with now he's better, because he knows that you're not up for having kids with him.

Understandable. I wouldn't want to have kids with this man either.

Wish you the best OP with whatever you choose x

[Hormonecrazyhell]

Cocklodger! Unfortunately you have been used, take comfort in the fact he (sound like) is a useless man child, who will undoubtedly end up in a depressed state, skint and on the bones of his arse again in the not so distant future. Only you won’t be there to make it all better fro him.

[Miranda2001]

Appears that now he’s self sufficient he has gained confidence and now can afford to live alone and play the field a bit and not be tied down with a heavy home. Also he’s been reliant on mum looking after him and then that didn’t end well and you’ve looked after him. He’s probably never been independent in his life and now he feels trapped. Let him go as you and the children come with a package

[Juliet2014]

It’s a difficult one. I don’t think you’ve been used necessarily.

He’s earning now and wants children. His mind set has changed. I doubt he had a plan to do this but he doesn’t want what’s on the table. Your situation isn’t going to change - you won’t want children and your son will always have additional needs.
He is not happy and you don’t sound particularly happy either.

It’s over OP

[borntohula]

Bloody hell he sounds like a freeloading user, I'd bin him off and not help him in any way again. What a loser.

[HollowTalk]

Why on earth have you let this freeloading waste of space live off you all this time? Are you so rich that it doesn't matter? Do you love cleaning up after him? Do your kids have everything they need, financially? Have you never had to worry about money?

Get rid of him. He should come with a warning stamped on his forehead.

[tenlittlecygnets]

What a selfish git. You've helped him all though your relationship and he's not showing much care for you in return. Doesn't do housework?? Only just started contributing? I'd bin him off.

[Purpleartichoke]

I actually think if kids are involved, living separately can be the ideal. It makes it easier to keep clear demarcations of responsibilities and finances and doesn’t require children to accommodate someone into their lives in such an intimate way. However, this doesn’t sound like a healthy keeping of boundaries, it sounds like someone who lived with you when it was convenient for him.

[ErickBroch]

So sorry OP he really has used you! I don't mean it maliciously like none of it was real, but now you have financed him and enabled him to earn money despite his appalling behaviour, he wants to leave. You cannot let him move out and stay a couple, it's over.

I am glad it was just 2.5 years and not more!

[Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]

doing well enough to contribute to the household.

What convenient timing

Sorry OP, you were a convenience. You've served your purpose and he no longer needs you. He's a cunt. Let him fuck off and never darken your door again. I am sorry OP

[Techway]

It has taken him until 39 to grow up. He is where most people would be at 25. I suspect his new found independence will change him and you may not be part of that but at the moment he doesn't want to lose you

Long term your goals are probadly not aligned..it is sad especially if you feel that you have bank rolled him.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

@Pugsrus

Bill him
Add it all up and bill him

I third this!

Kick him out, now, today.

Cocklodging shit, I hope karma bites him on his selfish arse.

[user1481840227]

He says he wants to live independently and experience that for the first time - living alone on his own earnings and paying his way is something he's never had to do (lucky him huh?!).

At 20 that would sound like a great, mature, responsible thing to do.

At nearly 40 it's the exact opposite, embarrassingly immature, thinking he can pause life or reset life because he wants to do his own thing at that life, and he's actually doing it to avoid financial responsibility, he wants to use his money for himself only! and not have to pay his way in your household where you've covered his living costs now for the past couple of years!

I'd just tell him he was embarrassing and childish and end the relationship!

[Redleathertrousers]

Oh gosh what a twat he is. I agree that he's been using you. I don't understand why you have paid for everything OP? Why have you always been OK with this?

[DeeCeeCherry]

This really is a cautionary tale to never be a Carrier and Rescuer for a man. As you've sadly discovered OP, once back on their feet they tend to seamlessly move on, sometimes also to a woman they consider to be an upgrade of you, as of course they consider themselves to be an upgraded man. All that time and energy and money would have been far better invested in yourself and your children.

At least you know now and can focus on yourself and your children, especially your 12 year old, and rebuild life in the way that you want it.

Whilst I know very well that of course there are men who are depressed, it is the No.1 excuse of men who want to mess women around and/or dump them. They play on a woman's sympathy. I have 4 brothers, 2 of which have form for this (horrible) so I know. I have also seen friends go through it too - 1 that wasted 4 years dealing with a man's depression, sourcing information for him, putting up with his down days. He met a woman at work and went off to Leeds to live with her. No more depression. Amazing recovery..

[fabulous40s]

Start talking about a payment plan for him to start paying you back - he doesn't get to live for free for 2 years then not contribute when he finally has some money. What a cheek!

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Get the money he owes you. Was your council tax higher because of him - did you lose the single person discount?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

What a knob.

I fourth or fifth billing him.

Wanker.