Had to choose

[Randomlettersmake]

Posting here for extra answers


We are in a heartbreaking unfair situation.

I have a fiance of five years and we have lived together for 4. I have 3 children from previous relationship aged 14, 12 and 8. He has 2 children aged 11 and 7. We have one child together aged 6 months. We are all white.

His ex has 2 other children aged under 6 and 1 older child (about 15). These children are both of mixed heritage (black fathers). She currently has a black husband. She and my fiance split up when their younger child was a baby. Things were cordial but over time, they have deteriorated. More since we got together and had a baby and got engaged.

My ex has been going for 50/50 custody up from fortnightly weekends and a bit longer on holidays and his ex has been fighting it. They are not cordial any more and do not speak at all. The ex says that the environment and home we provide is not in keeping with her values and it would be "damaging" if they spend more time in our company.

She has collected various social media posts of myself and my family (even my kids dad) as evidence and we have had numerous interviews with legal professionals mediators, psychologists and social workers on both sides. The evidence she has presented basically says that me and my family are racist and homophobic. It was all things to do with Brexit and the election and support of the army (my brother is a soldier). We were assured by solicitor in January that nothing she provided was racist and is covered under free speech but it now seems we are at a point (advised by same solicitors and mediators) that it would be best if my fiance moved out if he wants to keep regular overnight access with his children. Otherwise his ex has agreed that he can see the children at his parents house and stay there with them (40 miles away from us) one weekend a month and visit them and take them out where they live one weekend day a week with their baby sibling (our baby) but not their step siblings (my three). He has occasional friendly contact with his children's older brother (sends him money for Xmas and birthdays) so will probably see him too when he is there.

Much of what the children has said has not been made open to us or their mum. Just summaries of their views (is this usual?). They said they like me and get on well with me but my family can be loud and scary and they drink a lot (clairifed: more than their mum or dad's family but nobody being sick or falling over) at family events.

So now they have said that he should move out for the time being and try and rebuild with his kids 50/50 custody or accept this other arrangement because he might get even less if he continues. They might say no overnight or holidays and only visits.

His parents adore their grandchildren and have said it is sad but might be for the best for now and told him that he could live near them and they will help him with the children when he has them (including ours).

I feel like they think we are trash and I am terrified my fiance will leave me. We were thinking about setting a date for wedding and last night I said to him "well we cant think about the wedding for now maybe forever" and he didn't even say anything just huffed.

We have not seen them since mid March due to pandemic and they seem more and more distant from their dad when they do speak a few times a week. The 15 year old eldest boy posted a picture of him with all his siblings on Instagram talking about being a mixed family and the riots going on and my fiance just showed it to me and stayed quiet the whole night.

I can't condemn my family so he can keep his kids stay here. What else can we do?

[PicsInRed]

What's this "free speech" your family have been posting? Have you been "speaking freely" also?

[funnylittlefloozie]

Im really uncomfortable with this continual implication that military=racist, and the ludicrous suggestion that a mixed-race child would be not welcome at a party where one person is in the Army. Therefore, i think there is something the OP isnt sharing, and theres more to it than just being "military".

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

Apparently believing immigration should be capped (because we're massively overpopulated and our NHS is struggling, and many schools are over subscribed) must mean I'm racist.
If you believe overpopulation is causing so many issues and not years of underfunding why did you have more than one child? Or any at all? Do you not take responsibility for the planets over pollution at all?

[Puds11]

Obviously between the ‘non racist’ fb posts from your family and the children’s accounts of their time with you and your family, it’s been decided that it’s not a suitable environment for them. Maybe it is worse than you’re admitting to yourself.

[Puds11]

Sorry but if it’s only one family party a year where your family are drunk, it wouldn’t be the first observation of an 11yo and a 7 yo!! My 11 yo couldn’t tell you when the last family party was and it was within the last 6 months!

Some anti immigration posts....come on.

[Merryoldgoat]

I have never seen an anti-immigration post or anti-Rotherham grooming post that wasn’t obviously racist I’m afraid.

Pro-Conservative - I’ve seen fine and I’ve seen awful. Likewise anti-Corbyn.

Coupled with your post about transgender people I would not want my mixed ethnicity children mixing with your family either.

[Purpleandteal]

Agree with Puds. I'm an immigrant and my children are mixed race. If my exH every remarries or ends up with someone who is anti immigration I would have an issue with that. I don't think it would be right environment for my child whe she knows she's the daughter of an immigrant.

[RosesinGranGransgarden]

@Purpleandteal it's hard enough when it's in your own family, let alone anyone else's! My gran posting anti immigrant memes when my dad is an immigrant is a bit like saying she rather I didn't exist.

[Hopoindown31]

Sounds like you are reaping what you sow by publishing your opinions in public. Facebook isn't a chat down the pub. I suspect that on multiple occasions you have shared material originally posted by racist groups.