Backtracking on a breakup- strange behaviour?

[mochizzy]

I wanted to check whether anyone else has experienced anything like this- lockdown aside.

I was in a LDR that was falling apart. After lengthy discussions/arguments via messages it culminated with my now XP of 2 years sending me a long message about how heartbroken he was but that he didn't think it was going to last. That his feelings had changed in the past week that we had been arguing more about me moving over to be in his country. This, he explained, had made him realise that we were very different. He didn't want to give up his job and risk me being resentful out there because I had joined him.

Needless to say, I was heartbroken. The message read exactly like a break up message and that's what I took it to mean. I didn't reply because I wanted to compose myself.

Then in the following days came the 'sorry for being really hurtful' messages, he needs 'time' (that old chestnut) and that he was 'thinking of me constantly'. He starts leaving complimentary comments on social media which completely confuse me. Other than that, no conversation whatsoever.

So I ended up asking him why he was continuing to check in on me given that he had made it clear he didn't think it was going to work.

I got a response saying that 'he didn't mean to do that' and that it wasn't what he was trying to do (break up with me!) that he was confused and felt we needed to understand each other better :s

How on earth can someone send a message saying it's not going to last and then deny it outright? We made tentative arrangements to speak over the weekend but then I realised there was no coming back from this behaviour.

I was/am scared to interact with someone who was telling me one thing, then resolutely denying he had done that exact thing. I told him I wished him well and blocked him on every channel. That was 3 days ago.

Has anyone else experienced this type of strange behaviour when separating? I feel like I won't have the gracious final conversation that I would have liked with someone who I was literally planning to marry some weeks ago. But at the same time I'm trying to protect myself from what feels like HIS gaslighting and cowardice.

Ugh, it feels so sad and messy that he would behave like this towards the end.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I wonder whether this 'checking IN on you' was really him checking UP on you. To make sure you weren't doing something he wouldn't approve of, that might tarnish his name?

He sounds like the sort of control freak that might do that. And that the 'I'm breaking up with you/no I'm not' is also designed to control your behaviour and bring you to heel. To make sure that, ultimately, you give over all power to him. Because if you don't, he'll break up with you...

[SeaEagleFeather]

Dodged a bullet there, lass.

[brassbrass]

It doesn't matter what his agenda was. From your post you have good self awareness and boundaries and was strong enough to call him out on it. Don't let it mess your head up. Your head is absolutely fine compared to so many other threads here!! You did the right thing.

[mochizzy]

Thanks for the support, all. Feeling so much brighter after 10 days of freedom from it :)

[SeaEagleFeather]

good to hear =)! onwards to a better one :)

[Luckybe40]

Thank you GOD!!!! A woman who finally knows her own worth and won’t play headfucking games with someone trying to head Fuck her. He broke up with you, you accepted it with grace, he didn’t expect it, was waiting for the wailing and knashing of teeth, not to mention begging and pleading and now...he didn’t mean it. No, he didn’t get the show he wanted. Move on, saved yourself a lifetime of misery with “the selfish one”. You go girl!

[mochizzy]

@luckybe40 thank you. I’ve been wobbly all week about it and reading messages like yours have helped me feel resolute in my decision to go NC and end the relationship for good- on my own terms!

Honestly, I hope he had the shock of his life

[activetime]

Did you end the relationship and cut contact 12 days ago? (Looking at the date of your post). If so, well done.

[mochizzy]

@activetime yes I did. Thanks 😘

[FizzyGreenWater]

Oh OP well done. Great to read a happy story - and it really is one, because what you describe is a micro-managing, controlling me-first nightmare of a man and I am so glad you've listened to your gut and kept your boundaries... and that it's resulted in you being free!

Yes, you were supposed to completely panic at him showing you that he was totally prepared to walk away, and agree to whatever he wanted (yet a-fucking-gain...)

and you didn't!

Good luck with future relationships with nice, kind people who know how to compromise!

[activetime]

Good work!

[mochizzy]

Thanks for the kind comments.

There's always the little voice in my head wondering if he was confused/ got cold feet and whether it would have been resolved. But then there's the evidence that says him being 'confused' and not knowing how he felt after two flipping years (and 6 weeks after asking me to marry him) is enough reason for me to bail out. That plus him telling me that he didn't mean to break up with me.. What a crock.

I suspect, after reading some of these comments, that he was surprised by my lack of histrionics in response to the 'Dear John' text. He was expecting me to plead and do the 'pick me' dance.