Backtracking on a breakup- strange behaviour?

[mochizzy]

I wanted to check whether anyone else has experienced anything like this- lockdown aside.

I was in a LDR that was falling apart. After lengthy discussions/arguments via messages it culminated with my now XP of 2 years sending me a long message about how heartbroken he was but that he didn't think it was going to last. That his feelings had changed in the past week that we had been arguing more about me moving over to be in his country. This, he explained, had made him realise that we were very different. He didn't want to give up his job and risk me being resentful out there because I had joined him.

Needless to say, I was heartbroken. The message read exactly like a break up message and that's what I took it to mean. I didn't reply because I wanted to compose myself.

Then in the following days came the 'sorry for being really hurtful' messages, he needs 'time' (that old chestnut) and that he was 'thinking of me constantly'. He starts leaving complimentary comments on social media which completely confuse me. Other than that, no conversation whatsoever.

So I ended up asking him why he was continuing to check in on me given that he had made it clear he didn't think it was going to work.

I got a response saying that 'he didn't mean to do that' and that it wasn't what he was trying to do (break up with me!) that he was confused and felt we needed to understand each other better :s

How on earth can someone send a message saying it's not going to last and then deny it outright? We made tentative arrangements to speak over the weekend but then I realised there was no coming back from this behaviour.

I was/am scared to interact with someone who was telling me one thing, then resolutely denying he had done that exact thing. I told him I wished him well and blocked him on every channel. That was 3 days ago.

Has anyone else experienced this type of strange behaviour when separating? I feel like I won't have the gracious final conversation that I would have liked with someone who I was literally planning to marry some weeks ago. But at the same time I'm trying to protect myself from what feels like HIS gaslighting and cowardice.

Ugh, it feels so sad and messy that he would behave like this towards the end.

[mochizzy]

Thanks for the kind comments.

There's always the little voice in my head wondering if he was confused/ got cold feet and whether it would have been resolved. But then there's the evidence that says him being 'confused' and not knowing how he felt after two flipping years (and 6 weeks after asking me to marry him) is enough reason for me to bail out. That plus him telling me that he didn't mean to break up with me.. What a crock.

I suspect, after reading some of these comments, that he was surprised by my lack of histrionics in response to the 'Dear John' text. He was expecting me to plead and do the 'pick me' dance.

[activetime]

Good work!

[FizzyGreenWater]

Oh OP well done. Great to read a happy story - and it really is one, because what you describe is a micro-managing, controlling me-first nightmare of a man and I am so glad you've listened to your gut and kept your boundaries... and that it's resulted in you being free!

Yes, you were supposed to completely panic at him showing you that he was totally prepared to walk away, and agree to whatever he wanted (yet a-fucking-gain...)

and you didn't!

Good luck with future relationships with nice, kind people who know how to compromise!

[mochizzy]

@activetime yes I did. Thanks 😘

[activetime]

Did you end the relationship and cut contact 12 days ago? (Looking at the date of your post). If so, well done.

[mochizzy]

@luckybe40 thank you. I’ve been wobbly all week about it and reading messages like yours have helped me feel resolute in my decision to go NC and end the relationship for good- on my own terms!

Honestly, I hope he had the shock of his life

[Luckybe40]

Thank you GOD!!!! A woman who finally knows her own worth and won’t play headfucking games with someone trying to head Fuck her. He broke up with you, you accepted it with grace, he didn’t expect it, was waiting for the wailing and knashing of teeth, not to mention begging and pleading and now...he didn’t mean it. No, he didn’t get the show he wanted. Move on, saved yourself a lifetime of misery with “the selfish one”. You go girl!

[SeaEagleFeather]

good to hear =)! onwards to a better one :)

[mochizzy]

Thanks for the support, all. Feeling so much brighter after 10 days of freedom from it :)

[brassbrass]

It doesn't matter what his agenda was. From your post you have good self awareness and boundaries and was strong enough to call him out on it. Don't let it mess your head up. Your head is absolutely fine compared to so many other threads here!! You did the right thing.

[SeaEagleFeather]

Dodged a bullet there, lass.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I wonder whether this 'checking IN on you' was really him checking UP on you. To make sure you weren't doing something he wouldn't approve of, that might tarnish his name?

He sounds like the sort of control freak that might do that. And that the 'I'm breaking up with you/no I'm not' is also designed to control your behaviour and bring you to heel. To make sure that, ultimately, you give over all power to him. Because if you don't, he'll break up with you...

[fourquenelles]

feeling like everything was on his terms; from the choice of furniture to the choice of apartment right through to the colour of the shower curtain. Everything had to be his choice!

Oh no. No, no, no. You should be a team when setting up a new home that's part of the fun; finding out each other's tastes and making compromises. Sounds like it was going to be his way or the highway and not just on home furnishings. Well done on on calling his bluff and getting out.

[NoMoreDickheads]

So many things wrong, and/or weird. He didn't want family at the wedding?!

Everything had to be his choice! I was worried he didn’t/wouldn’t address my concerns. He said they were trivial.

And this just isn't very nice.

[findyourspeaker]

OP, you have twisted what i said! Do you do that to him? If so it might explain the whatsapp message.

I’m not sure what I was meant to do when I received a whatsapp message breaking up with me I would have replied for sure, and I do think that you not replying and then posting normal stuff on social media might have stressed him out. Especially if there had been misunderstandings between you in the past.

These are "might"s and I am not blaming you for anything. From your update it hasn't worked for a while, and I am really sorry as you are clearly heart broken about it. I do think you need to think it through from the beginning to make sense of it. You will make connections and it might well all come very clear.

[mochizzy]

@NoMoreDickheads

Great username!

So I was really unsure about moving out there. I have a job I enjoy and my mental health took a real turn last year because we lived somewhere remote (his choosing) and I felt lonely. I was asking him for reassurance as to whether- once we were married- he would be prepared to put me first if I moved out there and it wasn’t really working out for us. He basically gave the impression that his new job came first. Prior to that I had really struggled with feeling like everything was on his terms; from the choice of furniture to the choice of apartment right through to the colour of the shower curtain. Everything had to be his choice! I was worried he didn’t/wouldn’t address my concerns. He said they were trivial.

Then there was the fact we had gotten engaged but he didn’t want any form of reception or party. He didn’t even want our family to attend! He agreed to fly over to the uk for it but said it was a huge compromise on his part. Basically didn’t make it feel special; something I’d chalked up to him having been married before.

Prior to that I had asked him to make more effort on calls. Since starting the role he was calling me in between meetings and spending a rushed five minutes rather than properly giving me him time. I raised this with him and he put it down to being manically busy and socially isolating. Said he would make more effort.

[NoMoreDickheads]

He sounds like a headfuck. Not worth having someone who won't commit/demonstrate commitment as much as you want.

I was in a LDR that was falling apart. After lengthy discussions/arguments ...

What were the arguments about?

[mochizzy]

@LemonTT yes, I did post about this before. Your parents’ story is inspiring

[mochizzy]

@findyourspeaker whilst I appreciate your constructive advice, I’m not sure what I was meant to do when I received a whatsapp message breaking up with me. Even if someone was ‘worried’ by my reaction then it’s hardly a courteous way to remove yourself from a two year partnership. If you were worried you wouldn’t pretend like nothing had happened in the days that followed, surely. I even responded by saying that perhaps we could talk in a week.

As for posting on social media, that’s something I do regularly and he chose to engage with it, despite ending things. Your implication is that I was stoking things. I disagree.

It’s clear the relationship had no future but your advice does seem to lay the blame solely at my door.

[findyourspeaker]

I am sorry I posted too soon. I meant to include some constructive advice.

I think that you probably realise that whatever way you look at it there is no future here, but for you and your benefit, what I think would be good would be for you to sit down and write out chronologically everything that has happened between you and your ex partner, read through it a few times, and make up your mind what to do, and be really autonomous about your decisions.

[findyourspeaker]

OP to be fair you reacted to him by ignoring him and then posting on your social media which you knew he would see. He might have been playing games or he might equally have been worried about how you were reacting and what you would do. And also the fact that he sent a final text like that by text and not discussing with you on the phone means he might have been worried about how you would react.

It is impossible to say and we don't have enough here to help you, but you do have all the information, and the fact that you are posting about it hoping for some sort of insight and the fact that you reacted to him finishing with you by ignoring him (however you dress it up) but still posting on social media might mean you lack maturity which is why the LDR isn't working.

Him initially finishing with you might mean he realised that it would be be unwise for either of you to be uprooting.

For you to interpret that as a power move again indicates that this really is not going anywhere in any event.

In a good relationship between two emotionally intelligent adults which had a future, he would have felt comfortable to talk to you on the phone about his worries.

[LemonTT]

I think you posted about this before. He’s in the US and you were having issues over getting married and where to live. Tbh you are both blowing hot and cold with each other. There isn’t enough there to make you both overcome reservations about the situation.

When my mother was dying, my father told me something about her that meant a lot to him. He was offered a job in America and it would have meant her giving up her career. She had always pursued a career even though in those days, the 50s and 60s, she faced legal discrimination. She told him she loved him and where he goes, she goes. He decided then not to go. They were married a long time.

[lurker2003]

Been there! “I’ve found a flat I’m moving into, my dads going to help me pay for it. We can’t be together anymore.”
But apparently that didn’t mean he was breaking up with me, and I’d jumped to conclusions

[mochizzy]

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation honestly, I don’t think we’ve sexted in the entire two years we were together

[billy1966]

Definitely a power move that you didn't bite.

Well done.

Proceed with care.

Men who try to mess with your head are tedious.👍